Monday, February 20, 2012

sunday reflections (and some positives)

Dear Diary,


I had a good night last night. It was a good night in an almost unprecedented way. I went out on my own, and I didn't feel as much anxiety as I expected. I think there is something about getting involved at a gig where there's a lot of music that I actually like and being around like minded people. I had a little period of time where I could get away from myself, and it felt euphoric for a brief period. I also suspect it was good exercise too.

As the day passed, I then came to the same conclusion, it was nice to escape for a while, but now I'm back to reality. I didn't do enough today (same shit different day) and I do think the time for moping is over. I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure now. There's a lot of pressure on succeeding. There's a lot of things that could eat away at me, and I feel like I'm losing my youth. My years are lost in interviews that I won't get and the life that I should have by now.

I was visited by a family friend a few days previously, by my friend Merv, who I've mentioned in the past. Spending the day with him has really put into context how profoundly disabled he is. We had to take him to the toilet, feed him and getting him in and out of the house was a real challenge with his wheelchair. I have confused feelings about Merv. I see how his life isn't how he would like, and I do see how he is around so much despair. There are the aspects of his life which are hindered by disability, and there is the way he is treated by other people on the basis of being disabled. I myself don't know sometimes how to deal with it. I'm not sure what to talk about with him at times either, this is more my fault than anything else, because I'm a terrible conversationalist. Merv is into hip hop and football, and I know nothing about either. Knowing Merv makes me reflect. Merv is 24 years old and his life is perhaps as good as it will ever get, and its really shit. Merv has parents in their late 50s and one day they will be too weak to care for him, they need to carry him quite often. Merv will one day find problems with housing and money after his parents are ...out of the picture and will need care for all of his life. There is no doubt that Merv is a shining jewel in the lives of those whom he touches, if a guy like him with his determination were in a body more mobilised I would dare think what limitations he would have.


For people like him I need to keep going. I am losing hope, but there's still more to lose before I reach zero. There may be more to gain as well. I'm glad that I didn't drink last night, I still had a good time without alcohol. I should make a habit of that. Maybe I should state some positives, like how I used to earlier in this blog's life:

  1. I might go out with a woman at some point. I know she's interested. I've made a new internet friend lately and she's really nice to me. She thinks nice things of me.
  2. I did 4 training sessions this week. That's the equivalent of every other day at the gym.
  3. I met up with my brother for a great dinner and night out with his friends
  4. One of my friends is thinking of doing tough mudda, I agreed to help him. I'm a bit excited
  5. Went to a great gig this weekend
  6. The GP thinks I'm not balding, the real problem is my anxiety and thinking that I might get bald
  7. My body is in the best shape it has ever been in terms of health. I'm not the sexiest i've ever been (that still belongs to the eating disorder days) but I'm close. Maybe I can be someone's sexy little crumpet
  8. I'm keeping to my reading schedule, and I've read some graphic novels and finished a book this week. I'm close to finishing about 3 more as well.
  9. Given the amount of time I have spent procrasturbating this week, I think its fair to say that my libido is still pretty high. Libido is an early warning signal for depression.

I have to keep pushing. There's a lot of heavy shit going on in my life, and a lot of heavy shit for people I love. Unemployment, poverty, disability, health issues, lack of prospects and other kinds of uncertainties characterise the day. Maybe that's why a David Haye press conference fight seems like such a catharsis to watch...

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