Creases are bad

There is a certain irony; if there are creases in my shirts that I wear, as I'm wearing it, it makes me look fat; yet creases are a sign that the shirt is too big.

That's why I like wearing smaller clothes. No creases. But on the other hand...it does highlight my body more; especially if I'm fat.

Today I have no desire to eat. Which is good! No food means no weight. Less weight means more attractive. Purging means improved mood, and a capacity to cope.

Why is it, then that purging seems so bad? How about the dirtiness of throwing up in the toilets in secret? How about the long term physical damage? Oh yeah...that...

Well, is it any worse than smoking? People willingly smoke, knowingly harming themselves; I am knowingly harming myself, but to the end of making me more attractive.

My friend Holly says that its attractive for guys to look healthy; overly skinny, or fat guys are not healthy looking; if I lose too much weight, she maintained, I wouldn't be attractive. Indeed, I don't want to be bony and stuff. But I want to appear robust in a tight shirt. I want to be bulging, but not fat. No belly, but I do want the 'bursting' quality of fatness. Sounds like a contradiction, right? Well, its' possible; where? you might ask....underwear models!

Yet again underwear models make me feel inadequate. Need to purge so much today because I have a dinner. I have been purging today and I have not actually eaten anything; a bottle of wine and a few litres of peppermint tea doesn't count as calorific, does it?

I have got a dinner today, and Marie might be there. My concerns are:

1. Will it be fattening?
2. Will Marie be there?
3. Will I cope?
4. Will I purge the food in the toilets afterwards?
5. What will I wear?