Thursday, May 22, 2008

'Making it'

"You are going to make it" - The words no one ever told me
"You aren't going to make it" - The words I always heard in my mind

A thought I entertain; have I made it? What does that mean? to 'make it'? Making it means that I have escaped, happy ever after, perhaps, or perhaps, I have emerged from one phase of my life into another.

I've made it in some senses, but not others. But, what senses have I made it?

I've escaped the bad times of last year; the undergraduate degree. I felt so much shame during my degree, during my graduation, a constant feeling that I could have been more, that I could have done more.
Positive 1

Yesterday, I asked Antonia for some contacts based on her profession, to help Marie. I said to Marie that I would help her with anything, so I looked up some therapists for her, and gave her some info.

Marie said, "thank you so much", followed by "you are amazing".

Perhaps I may never get much closer to her than that, but how far have I come? To be in the good favour of beautiful Marie, and to know the compassion of Antonia? How far has that moved on from where I was exactly a year ago; with the anguish, the hatred, and the obesity.

Positive 2

Today I weighed myself; I am 154.6lbs. I have about 14-16lbs left for my '140' initial target. I'm getting closer to making it to the desired weight. I have a graph of how my weight has gone down; inverse that, and you will see the degree to which my reputation has increased in the university, and among those most beautiful of angels; Marie and Antonia. They make me feel special, just by their knowing me.

Positive 3

This one is harder to articulate. I feel like I am more and more commensurating with my memories of the past; of what happened.

Perhaps my depression will continue, and indeed, I do feel quite depressed now; but I feel a little bit good just for knowing that Marie exists, and even though she is going away, I feel like I did something good.

How am I going to cope with the summer? I wish I knew....

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