I have felt rexceptionally drained after calling the city council about my council tax benefit application. So I had a 2-3 hour nap, sleeping in bed. I've not had a nap like that in a long time. So I got up, had a wank, and then I recieved (it was in my junk email box, oddly enough) another rejection from Birkbeck College. Part of me knew it to be so. Part of me knows, a growing part of me knows that my PhD dreams won't happen with these 4 applications. I'm shocked. My motivation has been low and it was a bit hard waking up today.
On the plus side, I've lost 4lbs since I last checked, and at least I had a shave today.
I feel so defeated, I don't really see the hope right now, although there is a little part of me that shines brightly. I'm so desperate for things to work, I feel like they are going to tell me that I wasted a year of my life. If I accept that then I will accept a big sense of defeat onto my life. The moment that marked this period in my life was when I discovered that I failed an essay just before I finished my Dissertation.
There was a powerful sense of distress, panic, hopelessness: I have two more applications, but, I'm not going to invest my hopes on them anymore; it hurts a lot. My UCL application I expect it not to be accepted, and I suppose I have another week until KCL rejects me. I was the first to be filtered out if they didn't let me know.
What do I do now? I am going to look at the next most immediate tasks of the day. Tidy my bed, put up my laptop on the laptop stand instead of my lap, tidy my room. Maybe I'll go to sleep early if this distress is too much. I have at least another 3-4 hours until slumber. I still have tasks on my to-do list. I have to power through this period of my life and find answers, find solutions. All I have is that right now. I'm going to make myself anew today, right now. I close my eyes because I do not want to look at the world, look at myself. I might go for a jog in a moment.
On the plus side, I've lost 4lbs since I last checked, and at least I had a shave today.
I feel so defeated, I don't really see the hope right now, although there is a little part of me that shines brightly. I'm so desperate for things to work, I feel like they are going to tell me that I wasted a year of my life. If I accept that then I will accept a big sense of defeat onto my life. The moment that marked this period in my life was when I discovered that I failed an essay just before I finished my Dissertation.
There was a powerful sense of distress, panic, hopelessness: I have two more applications, but, I'm not going to invest my hopes on them anymore; it hurts a lot. My UCL application I expect it not to be accepted, and I suppose I have another week until KCL rejects me. I was the first to be filtered out if they didn't let me know.
What do I do now? I am going to look at the next most immediate tasks of the day. Tidy my bed, put up my laptop on the laptop stand instead of my lap, tidy my room. Maybe I'll go to sleep early if this distress is too much. I have at least another 3-4 hours until slumber. I still have tasks on my to-do list. I have to power through this period of my life and find answers, find solutions. All I have is that right now. I'm going to make myself anew today, right now. I close my eyes because I do not want to look at the world, look at myself. I might go for a jog in a moment.
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