Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Congratulations (A futureme email)

I woke up at 11:30, listening to the Flintstones in the room next door. I felt a bit depressed hearing that, because it reminded me of Antonia's daughter and the morning we spent together watching children's TV including the Flintstones.

The current time is 14:15, Graduation doors opened 15 minutes ago, and shall start in 15 minutes.I am at a house where I can physically see the building where graduation would take place, although some buildings are in the way, I can distinctly see the roof of the mighty building, also a bit of Senate house, and the satellite from the physics building. How it is a world so distant from me, yet visible only slightly, is very much my situation now.

I'm currently listening to the emo band (Paramore), not cos I want to be emo, but it was on my listening list and when I'm feeling low I don't pay much attention to my listening list. I am today, as a positive gesture, I just shaved (shaving used to be really difficult as a day-to-day task), I also brushed my teeth (that still is not a regular task). I'm weaing a dress shirt over a white shirt, and now I'm doing some job applications, I have a few that I could complete, I feel, however, that it is all futile. I shall just go through the motions and once I have done enough, I will console myself with cheap cider, maybe a big jog, and Command and Conquer Generals.

Today is an important, symbolic day, although for me it just seems to be tuesday, doing things after being so tired from Monday's morning.

I'm not proud, but on the other hand, I'm not embarrassed. I thought I would have a great day of pride on my graduation, I was looking forward to this day since I was 17-18. I'm not quite there yet. I must keep going with my life, My life feels very long and I wish it would get better. I'm trying my best not to make it worse.

To life, to our dreams: to FutureMe...

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