Aunty Eileen

Dear Diary,

 

I'm pretty fucking badly behind.

Need to do more job apps. MUST DO MORE JOB APPS. Went to cinema today. I basically had to because my mate from eastern europe is back in town today. Sent an enquiry about jobs on Linkedin. Very useful. Also examined some postgrad courses and practiced piano. I caught up on creative writing. I wrote a poem, wrote two blog posts (non-Conatus) and I did a touch of job searching. I applied to write for another online publication, but this time about depression, and another thing happening today is that I found out my Aunty Eileen has terminal stage cancer. I may have mentioned this in previous posts. Aunty has been in the hospital and my mum said 'it's bad'. But hearing those words that basically she's going to die, it really hit me.

There's been too much death in my life. It will never stop. I have a big family and quite a few family friends. Grief is different to depression. The morbidly sad fact is, grief is a rational thing to have, and because its rational I can eventually get on with my life. Depression strikes me in bed, namely, whether I can get up or not.

Earlier today I looked at my schedule in 2011 to see if anything was different. I am sort of regretting that I saw it. Around this time last year was when I was banking and hoping for things to change and then it sort of imploded. I've got to make this shit work. In some ways my motivation has been good and in others it needs a lot of work. My fitness life has been good, my job search life hasn't.

 

I've been thinking about whether this grief news has been slowing me down. I presently don't believe that is the case. I presently don't think thats affecting me in a productivity sense. It is sad and I do feel sad. But sadness in this case differs from depression. As I've said, depression is the kindof thing that strikes you at the motivation. Sadness endures. I'm not sure which is worse.

 

Onwards