Grey days are filled with darkness and light.

There was once a time when I thought getting laid would make me happy, would make everything less black. No I realise the one thing that will make everything better involves boring grafting. I need to do the hard work, the hard thinking. I need to make things work.

 

I'm perhaps going to see Adora on friday. I look forward to the conversations, the cuddling, the possible sex and I suppose the closeness with another human being.

 

A part of my world is falling apart at home. Aunty Eileen has always been around in the background in my life. Aunty Eileen was so supportive when my parents went on holiday, she would make me dinners and come across the road to deliver a plate to me. Aunty Eileen got me a power ranger action figure back when they were scarce objects. Aunty Eileen went to my piano recital, her and my friend Ken. One less in my life, one less in my family, one less in my world. Aunty Eileen is like a mother to me, I know she's going to die, but only in an intellectual sense. When it actually happens, I don't really know how I'll cope. My other aunt is here visiting today, last year her husband, my dad's brother died. I think about this time last year when it was pretty dark. I remember playing skyrim a lot, I remember lots of shifts at work. I remember tutoring.

 

Some of my friends, family friends and even online friends feel that I'm living an underwhelming life. They pity me. They think I deserve to do more in my life and enjoy more. I am inclined to agree. I'm almost in disbelief at the weekend and its events. Meeting Adora, sleeping with her, the beautiful things she said of me when I was naked on her bed such as 'Stop being so sexy'. Adora makes me feel like I'm someone else. That other person I suppose is how other people see me, compared to how I see myself. What I think of myself is very important, and what I believe I must be is also key.

 

Never stop being hungry should be my Game of Thrones style adege. I've gone forward with my metatask, but I need to do more. Always need to do more. I feel very sad, but its a rational kind of sad. I'm sad that Aunty Eileen will die. I'm sad that death is a necessary part of this existence. I'm sad that people have to die. I should focus as well on the joys of life, having kinky sex with Adora is a good start.

 

So the plan for today? Carry on searching for jobs. maybe even apply to some! I also need to go to the gym. Do some Pilates, Spinning, hopefully I'll have energy for both, plus energy for some deadlifts.