Dear diary,
I was chatting to a girl on OkC lately, she invited me to her place last night. I was thinking about it and I even discussed it with another OkC friend, her view was: go for it! So I did. I put everything on hold and I went to see her. I went to an unfamiliar area of london, and I went to her place, we talked, we talked a lot, then we ended up under blankets. There was a point where I was thinking that I wouldn't be intimate with her, but that was fine I was just enjoying the conversation.
The build up to the moment when I kissed her was what really summed it up for me as a life moment. I asked her 'can I kiss you?' and she said, 'you don't need to ask'. We then had about 7 hours of intimacy. I could remember so much of it, and yet it was all such a blur. It was a wonderful night, full of yearning, sharing sad tales and cuddles. Lots of kissing, lots of learning, lots of spanking and a little bit of scratching. My back is still full of scratches and some of my chest too.I went to the pharmacy the next day to get some painkillers for her, She was short on change so I thought to pay for her, I know for a fact she doesn't like guys paying for her, but well it was medical. I thought it was also the least I could do after all that sex.
The reason I had so much sex last night was because normally I cum, and then I sleep. I couldn't cum, I was too nervous or something. I just couldn't let go emotionally with her. Inside my mind I still have this barrier that makes it so hard to be close to anyone. I told her about Marie, and the way she hurt me and fucked with my head. I told her how because of that experience its hard for me to trust anyone, and how I created mia in my head. She also told me about how she has been hurt by men in the past, and how she has become incredibly resilient. It hurts me how men have been so cruel to her in the past. It also reaffirms some sense of feminism in my mind.
I remembered how we talked about sex a little bit, and she mentioned how she hated kissing but preferred fucking because in an odd way, the former is too intimate. We did a lot of kissing, and not much penetrative sex, as it happens I didn't have more than two condoms, and both of them failed in some way. My body feels sore all over, butin the best possible way. Did some weights yesterday at the gym, then had a sauna, who would have thought that 8 hours on I would be making love to a beautiful woman. Sometimes its odd how my life which in many ways blighted, can be brought suchjoyous moments. It was joyous, blissful, beautiful to make love to her, to kiss her.
I feel kind of emotional just thinking about it. I feel like I've bonded with her. When I got home I was sorta sweaty, i smelled of latex and my hair was post-coital messy. I barely slept even though we were in bed for ages. When I wanted to leave, she unzipped my trousers and was playing with me, I said I couldn't say no to that, but then after a while I said it had to stop, she was touching me and I said no, I said no again, then I said "no means no" and then the further extreme: "If you continue this is sexual assault", at that point she stopped, she looked sad as I was about to leave. There was no eye contact between her and me, It was like she was trying to phase out of what was happening, she seemed so sad when I left. I was asking if I hurt her in any way, and she said no, ut she was still sad. I learned from Marie that I can't fix people, they have to go through changes by their own decisions and actions. I kissed her and I left.
Getting home I was exhausted. I put my jacket over my chair and went to bed. I think I had a glass of milk and that's about it.To be with a woman again is a great joy. I miss it very much. When I woke up (around 10pm), she texted me asking 'shall we meet on friday?'. I've not replied yet, but I will try my best to do so.
Now I've got a massive backlog of shit to wade through. Oh well, at least I took time off for the right reasons!
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