I am angry a lot, but it hides my sadness

Its easy to be angry, cos it looks cool and tough. But really, I'm vulnerable and that's not so cool and tough to acknowledge. Inside I am scared, and insecure. The life I have is full of uncertainties, specifically with the job market and how i can achieve independence as a disabled person.

I have rage inside me, and I try to make it a positive thing inside my head by making it a driving force, and making it achieve things at the gym. However, I think maybe i've been fooling myself, and its perhaps really based on not some tough guy mentality, but a deep sense of hurt.

I'm really depressed. I'm trying not to let it eat me inside, and not let the stuff around me consume me like how i'm underemployed and how my abilities should have gotten me further in life. I've disappointed myself, more than how anyone else has disappointed me in my life.

I guess this does sound kind of moany. I have tried so hard to get into a doctoral programme and into full time work, but its just not happening.