Sunday, December 23, 2012

a 'something's gotta give' day

Dear Diary.


I'm feeling tired as fuck. Lots of family related shit yesterday. Lots of gym this week. I had 1 class, a badminton session and 3 training days with my friend. I also sent off stuff on ebay, did christmas shopping, applied to a few jobs, got an interview invitation, started on my book review and trying to get it all under my belt without sweating too much.


Today is one of those 'something's gotta give' moments. I'm so fucking tired, I feel so damned drained. My most immediate feeling and desire is to crawl into bed, close my eyes and just be with my thoughts, be with my fatigue. A few things have been on my mind lately.

  • Thinking about Autism. I've heard a lot of people say to me that they think I have autism, now I usually reply that I haven't and that I've been checked by an educational psychologist. But it worries me that despite being assessed people still think I have autism because of the way I behave
  • Thinking about identity. Lately I've been thinking about my dad and the ethnic-cultural community that we belong to. My dad has said many things to the effect that the culture that he once knew growing up is all but gone, and its making me think about my cultural identity. I can identify with the present and there are lots of things that can form a cultural identity, and my cultural identity. But I do feel like there are things which ...are being erased about me, as if I'm the last of my kind or of a declining number. The generation of my grandparents (even though both are death) from my father's side were migrants to Africa, as they migrated their children (my dad's generation) lost a big part of their indian identity and what remains is fragmentary and incomplete. When my dad migrated to England he abandoned a lot of his African identity and the indian part even less of a flicker of presence. It makes me a bit sad thinking about the african indians who have less to identify with culturally. It makes me feel sad as i am a descendant of one of them.
  • Another thing: every day that passes I feel a little bit of me dies. Like a hair from my youth falls and eventually I will be a bald husk.

This week has been busy. I've been resilient and I've pushed myself in unusual and difficult ways. I feel that observing a day of rest might actually be helpful for me. Especially in the run up to Christmas.

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