got to be hard on her.

Dear Diary

The window is open, its quite cold but I find the fresh, crisp winter air a form of satisfaction. Christmas is coming and perhaps this is one of the years (except for maybe 2 years ago) where I am least bothered about it, or at least, right now I'm not so bothered. Christmas is a time for whatever Cliff Richard said it was time for, which I suppose means its a time to be exceptional as a human being.

Exceptional is everything I'm not. I feel like a de-powered mutant after Marvel's M-Day. I used to have powers and now they are gone. I am thinking a fair bit lately about the past, and its a sign things aren't so good in my head. A few days ago I started to think really strange things, which is a sign in my head that things aren't so good right now. Adora is talking about suicide all the time and constantly telling me how she thinks she is pregnant, but she also had sex with a lot of other men. Adora is also suicidal and telling me about it a lot. I can't save her and I shouldn't if I tried. If its suicide its her choice. I'm not going to let Marie's mistake fool me again. I have a lot at stake right now.

Adora has been so difficult lately. I said that she should get professional help, find a GP, get a pregnancy test. Then she seems to retreat and say things like 'well I'm going to die anyway so there's no point' or 'there is x, y, z, barrier'. Then I tell her, 'there was x,y,z barrier and you were aware of this last month, I told you that you need to do a,b,c, for it', and she still hasn't. I really can't get to her. I'm trying. I'm not going to try anymore. I can't cope with her anymore. I can't cope with how difficult she is. Maybe I should break up with her. I feel like such a bastard. I have my own problems now. I have to get out of my fucking parents' place and move into my own home and make a life for myself. I need to do a PhD and find a form of self-worth. I need to be more than I am right now. I need to stop being a fucking loser.I know how it happens with girls like Adora. They want so much attention and want so much but give nothing back. They want someone to hear their woes and be woeful with them but it doesn't help her, it doesn't make her better, she just enjoys being in the depression and until she realises that she needs to change her thinking, any time I give her that supplies that fantasy for her will not help her. I'm being hard, but this cost me my masters 5 years ago. Never again. NEVER AGAIN. I'm screaming inside with a solitary face.

So, what can I say of my life? I started performing again this year, and not much on the work front. I think I managed about 12 interviews this year. Which is kinda nice. I have little to say that is a joy or crowning achievement in my life. I'm working tonight, hopefully getting a taxi home and I'd really like to be in a better off position next year than I was last year.

Here's to hoping, but now, off to do soemthing about it. I told maddy that I won't message her until tomorrow. I told her politely, that I have lots to do today.