I'm forcing myslef to write something at the moment.

Busy at work. Every day brings new challenges.

Ugh. I kind of wish I even had time for my time sheets to be signed.

Anyway. I am making the most of it. I need to do more with my time after work but I feel too tired. I can barely remember what I ate for lunch (it was a nice bit of breaded halloumi on a bed of vegetables, as it happens). Really getting behind on PhD stuff.

At least I'm not thinking about the past, not too much anyway.

Also in today's news, I put on a lot of nickelback on my mp3 player. God what is wrong with me?

I might have some time to rest tomorrow. I am not going to the gym after work. I am going on thursday. I might go home on friday and not to a house party that i thought was last friday.

I might catch up on wanking tonight.

Good night.

It's hard for me to 'stop' blogging, stop being at my desk and just go to bed. I just want to write one more sentence (pause). I feel like I wish the next sentence I write will give me closure and I don't write it.

dear diary,

I've been trying to make the most of every minute I have lately.

Went to the gym on saturday, did 2 classes. WOrked in the evening to 2am

Sunday: woke up sorta late, had a big old wank and then I helped out my brother (reluctantly) at a job he was doing (he's self employed) in the local area to some yummy mummies in a hipster gentrification pub that pushes up all the property values so that I have to still live with dad - which is shitty since my brother profits from these fuckers pushing us to be their subserviant economic underclass, just like my immigrant parents were to those upstarts a generation. #cameronsbritain

I've got a lot to focus on lately, and today I have had no energy to make a plan for the week. I'm doing it right now and it's almost like burning candles on both ends.

work was busy today. but I think I'm slowly getting on top of it all.

I had a good lunch today - a nice hotdog. I wqas thinking today about bridges --- I feel like my connections with the Sunday Sentinel have gotten a bit sour --maybe I'm being paranoid. I applied for a job there and they didn't shortlist me. I suspect I didn't make a particularly good impression. In addition I do feel like I'm a burden working there. Especially on account of Jess telling me that I was surplus to requirement regarding the saturday cover.

In addition, another bridge I've burned was with Rash at the legal dept. Rash at legal likes how I work and I've performed well covering for her. However I had to say no to her request (she personally asked for me) because I am doing another cover right now.

I guess that's life...Ugh. The time I spent all of this year was basically solidifying connections and then they potentially break again. It feels really shitty.

But another thought came to my head. I think that some relationships in work and life naturally have an end or sell by date, lots of people in school I hardly ever hear from. But then there are the folks who you have enduring relationships with and stay in contact with. There is also the possibility of making new connections, new potentials. I'm reminded of that passage in the bible where Jesus talks about the mustard seed man sowing seeds ...some seeds go on the paht and don't do anything, some go on bad soil, and some go on good soil. It's just a matter of perseverance, and being open to new opportunities.

That's all good and well, except for the fact that I'm fully booked work wise for the next few weeks.

Now I've got to focus on the bases - shower regularly, stay groomed, stay fed, keep going to the gym, and sleep well.

Speaking of the last one. Better go off to bed.

I'm going to listen to some nice Gerry Mulligan on spotify, then wake up at 7 to put radio 4 on to listen to the today programme, and then get off to work.

Good night.
Although times are tough, I'm fighting. I'm thinking a lot about the past because of what Hannah triggered for me.

Things that are bothering me right now

1. Hannah is starting some very dangerous bulimia behaviours, as someone who loves her its hard to cope with and be supportive and loving to her when she's self harming in the identical way that I did things
2. I got contacted for a 2 week cover at the newspaper earlier today. I had to say no. That's £720 I won't have in my bank balance -it saddens me. The weird irony is that I can't take the assignment because I'm committed to the paternity leave at pictures
3. First day at pictures, and it all went to pot. My boss didn't write a handover document - she's too busy because the paternity leave guy left about a week earlier than planned which meant she hasn't had any time, which in turn has meant that I have had a hellish day at work. However I think that I am used to living in personal and career hells so it wasn't so bad compared to the worst of it
4. Someone at the garden meeting said a racist word ...it upset me and everyone else in the group. 

Dear Diary,

I got lots of stuff done last night. Admin stuff. Which was nice.

I start work (paternity cover) next week. The onslaught begins.

Last night I couldn't sleep so well.

So I dsecided to go to a place inside my mind that was dark.

I thought about a few things that I put in a box, knew it was there but didn't think too much about it over october/november:

• Being at the hospital in 2006
• The aftermath and the lead up to the hospital event 
• The anger issues I had for some years after, and that I still experience today.
• Bullying at school
• Being disabled at primary school
• My godmother/neighbour/close friend dying 2 years ago; seeing her in the local hospice and gasping for air and struggling to speak - that's something I bury in the deepest part of my mind

I was watching Rocky Balboa earlier tonight. I was thinking about the speech. It's not about whether you win or lose but when you get knocked down and how many times you get up again.

I did a fair amount today. I did some tidying up of my room. Stuff that was long overdue, stuff that also reflected that I had a bit more money coming in. With more money comes more admin. It was about 5-6 months overdue. I also set up some Xmas gifts and wrote some christmas cards. 

Dear Diary,

Just updated my pay matrix estimates for work over December-Jan.

Jan work gets me paid on late Feb, late feb pays me through to March and possibly April.

I think it's fair to say for at least those next few months I have a bit of money coming in to be off the breadline.

So long as I don't do something ridiculous like buy a computer. I already bought one :p

just spent the past hour doing online surveys. last year I got £50 from YouGov. I am close to getting that again :)

really should be doing real stuff now instead of online surveys. I'm going to lay in bed and play my tablet games - really obsessed with Star wars and Family Guy at the moment.

Dear Diary,

I had a dream that I was checking my inbox and that I got notified there was a grad scheme for the Guardian.

What a weird fucking dream. I won't tell The Sentinel that I'm dreaming about their competition. I once had a dream I was in a star wars TIE fighter and the fuel was leaking. Then I realised the TIE fighter is solar powered. I pissed myself in real life. Very weird dream - and weird way I discovered that.

I got a call from Mim at the Sentinel (who I met earlier this week), she told me that the dude I'm covering for paternity/she is covering for and I need to cover for her, had a baby early (yay!) and that consequently means that I will be starting earlier. I could have started today or tomorrow, but I will be starting on Monday. I'm working at Shambly on Friday (tomorrow) and it's too short notice to cancel. Also I cancelled already for a shift. I don't want to have a bad reputation there. Things are a bit tense at Shambly lately.

I am currently listening to Lykke Li. I made loads of playlists.

My mood has gone up a bit. I am also struggling to keep up with all this stuff happening lately. I don't feel I have the energy lately. Life's gone up a gear and i just have to hang on.

Anyway I better get back to my schedule. I have a fuckload to do

I went to work today doing a handover, it lasted only a few hours. But I will get paid for the whole day :D

Extra money galore.

I woke up today not able to find my 'good trousers' (the black uniqlo skinnies that show off my calves). I ended up having to resort to some brown cords I bought of M&S that I was too embarrassed to return because it didn't fit my waist. Turns out that it does fit my waist now, just about.

I think that's a signifier that my recent breathing problems that affect my eating are having an effect.

I got some newspapers to read tonight. Might get on with that :)

Things I did on Monday

• (Failed) to attempt to book Gp appt
• Archiving
• Booked Gym classes
• Direct Debit gym paid?
• Job search
• Monthly review
• Organised schedule for the next few days (accounting for working hours)
• PIcked up conditioner batch from Boots
• Received confirmation (sort of) that I'm doing a handover this week
• Stupour (woke up late)
• TV Watching
• Circuits class

12 things done.

Not bad.

Dear Diary,

Money situation is going to be a bit better ---but I do think I could aim higher.

So I did my calculations and I'm working a few extra days this week. I'll have a 4 day week in fact.

Actually -- I didn't get the clearest confirmation from HR about my handover.

So I'll be working at one of the desks at the Sentinel and because it's a maternity something or other, I'll need todo some further calculations.

I had some breathing problems at the gym today. It's becoming commonplace.

I better go to bed soon. I have a bit of a day ahead of me.

I do kind of want to stay up, and say something deep. But maybe, the intelligent thing would be to fight another day.

hi diary,

this week had high hopes but Im not sure if they were met.

I was contacted about doing some extra work in december. Still no reply about that firm enough to design an income matrix

For the past 3-4 hours I've been scheduling my week and what I'll do in the time.

Maybe I'll do a list of 5 things that I've done in the past week I can say are unique/i'm proud of, and a list of 5 things to look forward to (without doing the obvious Christmas one).


Things I've done in the week

• Did circuits class
• Assessment centre
• 11 fitness sessions
• Contacted about a 6 week cover
• Did some shopping for christmas (albiet just a little bit)

Things to look forward to:

• Getting confirmation that I'm doing the cover (at the moment it's not firm yet)
• Confirmation that I'm working this saturday
• Discussion group this wednesday
• Having the house to ymself on Saturday
• Having a bit more money and thinking about nice things to buy

I better go to bed now. Even if I don't sleep, I'll just muse. I am having a chat with a nice woman on google chat right now, about a not so nice topic (the nonconsentual stuff that happened to me). She's so supportive.

Today I've logged as 'stupour' day.

Things hat happened in a 'stupour day'

• Went to body attack at the gym
• Black friday (ugh) - purchased cords for myself
• Black Friday - got presents for my sister
• Black friday - got additional presents for brother in law
• Updated christmas list
• Watching Series
• Follow up email RE: covering at Sentinel at the pictures desk (no response)
• Contacted RE: covering at the Sunday Sentinel - asked to do 1 day cover next week (not yet confirmed)

so---8 things done.

I really want to get a stylish manly old style bag for gym. It looks out of place when I carry that big old nike bag when I wear stylish fashionable menswear. I like to wear 'stylish high street', not 'just high street'.

Utterly vain thought. I've set boundaries for when I buy fancy goods ...the boundaries are, 'my bank balance must be a minimum of £xxxxx'.

things i'm thinking about right now:

• I wonder if I should start shaving with an old fashioned safety blade. I know that sounds really hipster but ...I read its' a lot cheaper.
• I bought some conditioner online from boots, because their shops don't actually stock it currently. It's so hard to find my clairol conditioner
• I am umming and ahh-ing about doing gym tonight. Need to deal with that now.

.

Dear Diary,

After the assessment centre on tuesday (I shouldn't have said where it was - prob didn't get in anyway), I became quite ill on tuesday evening. I had an overdrive production of mucus (this is more disgusting than when I talk about my wanking habits) and I felt like I was simultaneously drowning and suffocating.

Basically most of wednesday was written off, for the sole fact that I was unwell. This time it wasn't about the coughing, my tonsils hurt like fuck and my mucus was a different colour. The kind of colour where my body's trying to kill a bug in my system.

I got a little bit of stuff done yesterday, all things considered, an impressive amount for being ill. I was doing some leisurely reading, listening to music/podcasts (passive things) and I caught up on the latest tv shows that I watch.

In other news...no news on the interview front. However I have received possibly 6 weeks of cover at the Sentinel. Apparently when HR woman didn't reply it was because she was yet to confirm the particulars about the cover.

Things I've done today:

• Prepped for Bank of England assessment centre
• Anxiety
• COntacted (no response/didn't get it) about some temp cover at the Sentinel
• Examined some PhDs to apply to
• Contacted university that gave me offer in July - they said I can re-apply
• Podcast catchup
• Problem at gym with class booking
• stupour (got up late this morning)
• (about to head off to...) Circuits class for the first time

Things that are worrying me:

• Money
• Christmas
• Asssessment day tomorrow
• Gym problems with my card (again!)
• PhD applications (general)
• PhD applications (specifically the one I contacted about)
• Interview anxiety (generally)

I'm having a bit of a food fixation right now...I am really obsessing about snacking right now. I think I have a lot on my mind. Also I have been reading about some people at the Sentinel who have been making some very contraversial statements and I'm feeling uneasy about working at such an organisation. 

Dear Diary, - no wait i will do that


Dear Diary,

Since about 10pm on Friday my brain has been on 'downtime' mode. Which is sort of okay. Considering that I just spent the past few days and arguably weeks preparing for the interview from hell, I just want to move on to the next step of life and survival.

I feel that the medium of writing the blog is slowly arcane and maybe obsolete. I have a twitter friend (I say 'friend' and mean 'person who I discovered on OkCupid, chatted to in a sorta datey way then ended up finding her in another online world where my real life non dating profile self quite admires this person and she is no longer a person that I should consider in a datey context because she's now an activist type hero to me and she's on a pedestal'), who expresses herself through twitter.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned and I prefer my stream of consciousness rants to not have a 140 character limit. That I prefer my self expression to have a pop up window from the start menu and I can just press 'publish'. My RSI means I'm not good at phone typing anyway.

I had that big interview with the civil service. I think I might talk about other aspects of my life. I often am quite insular and individualistic with this blog. Perhaps the medium of blogging is conducive to it.

At the interview I discovered something about myself. I discovered that if the right job allowed it, I can really find a sense of purpose, self worth, and political awareness. As a disabled person, having a sense of agency is a very important to me. I also felt for a brief moment that I could have a possible job that I really cared about and expressed how I could care about the world.

I used to be a more caring person, I guess things hurt me in a way that made me recitent to being caring. Sometimes I might see someone who is radically open and I'll be radically open in return. One time in New Years (last year I think), I met a girl who my mate knew as a sister of a person we mutually knew from school and she talked about her bulimia. I was so taken by that that I talked about my bulimia too.

I sorta had a trigger earlier. I saw a film (through my media contacts I'm not allowed to say what it was as its embargoed) and it made me feel a trigger as the topic of a teenaged girl's anorexia was mentioned.

I'm chatting to someone, a new online friend, who has herslef experienced mental health demons ('demons' being my new favoured term). When I chat to her on facebook it helps me get a sense of perspective on my own demons. I really appreciate her because I can just mention the things without explaining it in too much detail and she understands.

I've said this repeatedly in my self-narrative lately: november being the time of shitness is hard for me normally, or at least in the past. This month I was too busy to notice the memories, things like being in the hospital, the funerals and deaths and the darkness within. I can manage the darkness outside lately, as I am always looking at what's coming after.

This weekend I went to the gym in the morning, as is my ritual these days. I am experiencing some moderate breathing problems lately. It culminated in a lot of very embarrassing coughing at a restaurant and I have these 'mucus' issues involving suffication/coughing fits as a result of the new medication I take. In a very medical way I am a little bit more unwell than I used to be. I'm trying not to let it affect my everyday life. Avoid dairy might be a good bit of advice.

I had a few long sleeping sessions this weekend, I also played on my computer a bit, actual games, I made time for it. I also watched a bit of TV - I really like comedies and anything relating to Marvel Comics. I also read a lot of comics too this weekend (Marvel of course). I set a long list of things to do this weekend. I'm slowly doing them. I've done my weekly review. I even made a big fat sunday meal for myself today. It had lots of veggies in it.

For some reason I don't want to publish this post yet. I feel like I have more to say. I feel like there's something inside me that I need to say. Something about this zeitgeist that I can preserve for the ages.

Maybe it is to say: despite all the shit stuff in my life...I have some reason to go on and things to get done. Perhaps that's what I wanted to say.

I better get on with it, before it is sleepy time. I have an interview with a certain major British institution next Tuesday. I have to get up early to attend the interview on Tuesday. I don't think it will involve as much prep as the interview for Civil Service.

Anyway.

Thanks for reading, whether it's some internet random, or me in a few years time.

Dear Diary,


Instead of being wanky and literary and always trying to put in a preamble to everything I do, like i'm writing a blog posts. I might just say directly the things on my mind in a way a journal that only I was meant to read might write. I won't do this allt he time. but the motivation of this is because I have a lot going on and I want to just condense what I'm thinking in as few words as possible.

I'll start now:

• My payroll issue at shambly has been resolved - will get paid those two shifts next week that I wasn't paid.
• Worried about december work - which leads to january and febuary pay.
• Invited to interview at Bank of England next week. 
• Today is my endgame in terms of prep for the civil service interview
• i should eat at some point * 
• I'm scheduling the next few days ---
• I'm asking myself why I'm doing this right now. I think that one reason is so that I keep organised and feel motivated to do them in a timely fashion
• Another reason is because I have too much to think aboutt with the interviews so it might be better to just automate my process to google keep so that I don't think about it.

* add this to my to do list

Every 3 weeks I set a moment for myself to write something creative. Like a poem or prose stream of consciousness thing that I keep in my private drive. I thought instead tonight I might write a blog post. THe aim of which is to say something distinctly personal, intimate and emotional.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a future that wasn't as bright as I imagined it would be.

I'm worried about money. I'm worried about my health and I'm worried about the limited prospects that I have in life.

I've been quite tired lately but I also have been leading an active life. Perhaps more active than it has been in previous years. Despite this I know there's an upper echelon to reach.

By Thursday night I will have needed to read 400 pages of a social science textbook for my interview.

This week that has just passed was the anniversary for' that day'. I think that I started the blog some time after 'that day'. As such, it is the one thing that frames a lot of my life.

I might write a list right now. A list of 3 positives I can say about my week, and 3 'things for improvement':

Positives

• Went for an interview this week. I need to do more of those
• I did 9 hours of physical/fitness related activities
• I managed a lot of anxiety at work and challenging circumstances with management

Things for improvement

• Maybe I shouldn't have spent 2 days playing Civilisation: Beyond Earth where I could have done some reading
• I could have read more of the textbook
• I could have maybe eaten more greens this week. 

I might write an emotional email to my pen pal babefiend now. I love telling her things. 

Dear Diary,

I'm preparing to go to work, earlier than usual.

I'm not feeling so good today. Mum said something that upset me and it's the shit that sticks that really hurts. They don't value what I do or believe in. A lot of people don't value the things I do. I thought that I reconciled with that.

On a similar note I was watching a documentary last night called 'one man metal' which interviewed these one man bands and they dealt with really dark themes and a couple of them did in fact have really dark and sad lives. I could relate to those guys a lot, perhaps in ways I would prefer not to relate to them about. In particular one of the guys, scott conner, seemed to have a lot of demons and things that he was very...unwilling to talk about.

I think we all have something like that. I certainly do.

I better get ready for work.

In other news: I am going to do more reading of that textbook. In addition I sent off a job application that caused me a lot of anxiety. Kind of a relief to do so. However now, I've got to look at the next few steps ahead. I need to sort out that book reading.

Anyway. I'm off.

Things I did on Monday:

• Job Interview
• Received extra shift
• Cancelled shift
• Magazine/newspaper reading
• newspaper/comic reading (2)
• interview prep
• Anxiety
• Fatigue
• Email catchup
• Revised book review
• TV Catchup
• Scheduling for the next few days
• Reading book on social research methods for interview

13 things.

Now I am a bit dizzy. Off to bed for me.

went ot job interview today. 2nd in as many weeks. I am not feeling so good with anxiety lately. I think that I need to lay down for a moment. I am reluctantly saying 'no' to the gym tonight. I also bought some comfort food just earlier in the form of 2 'chicken strip' burgers. Also noticed a lot of hoody kid types around after 4pm. I'm not on the streets at that time normally.

As you might know, today is 'that day'. I think I might lay in bed for a moment, get some energy and mental strength before doing anything else today. If I can do anything else today. Not feeling so great right now.

(written midnight earlier today and i didn't post it)

dear diary,

Do you remember that I mentioned that I bought a bottle of JD on the day I found out that my piano teacher died? well, some time this week (or last week, I can't remember), I opened it and I took a swig once in a while over the past few days.

Something feels kinda healing about swigging the bourbon from the bottle. Something gruff, brusque, American.

dear diary.

I've felt a lot of pressure on my shoulders over the past few days.

It's also upset my body a lot. my stomach in particular and my lungs.

I wasn't in the best mood earlier this week with the interview. I hope that this coming monday I might be.

Earlier on friday (yesterday) I went to a civil service thingy and they were very helpful about my disability needs.

After that session I got tired, I treated myself to some junk food and went to a gym class.

After the gym I snacked a bit and now I'm planning my weekend. I need to think seriously and strategically for the next few days.

A past version of me used to talk about how I wanted to be a certain person who could face all these adversities and win.

Instead, I am that person and I need to be. I need to be a person that survives all the shit that I'm having thrown at me right now. I'm better at coping on some days than others.

My schedule says: I need to sleep. Long day ahead. I've got it mostly planned. Gym in the morning, get home, do some stuff during the afternoon. Go to a friend's party briefly and then get home (no alcohol I think)


'November is a tough month for me' is the story I keep telling myself. I sort of perpetuate it if I see all those memories as painful and things to cause fear. Right now I have the present to deal with and the present for me is harder to manage than the past. The present is also more real, more immanent and ...do-able.

I better go to bed now. Maybe get some food from downstairs first.


I have to say to myself, because I don't do myself the credit: I'm surviving and fighting pretty hard at the moment these days. I'm also giving myself a good amount of rest and break because I need it...maybe i could use more. It's all about working smart now, and not just working hard.

Dear Diary,

Something's eating at me lately.

Invited to an interview next week, interview yesterday, and an 'orientation session' for an interview tomorrow (not the actual interview).

I've been up to so much with not much energy that I feel I'm not ready for it all.

The idea of disability is making me think a bit about disadvantage. I realise how many disadvantages I have in my life, but also lots of advantages too. I had pretty good teachers for a state school and I was lucky to go to a decent uni. But...my worry is.

What if the bad stuff in my life outweighs all the good stuff.

All this stuff makes me want to purge.

I feel like I'm being mentally pulled apart and nobody can see it. I fucking hate how I need to keep pushing every ebb of my being to do better and do more, and I just am not giving as much as I could have.

I might take a few minutes right now to do some of my 'rituals' (update my [non pornographic] tumblr blog) and that might help me wind down from this anxiety/upset I'm feeling now.

Honestly, my feelings are this: I'm scared of failing in the upcoming civil service interview. I'm scared because I've not done enough reading.

Dear Diary,

yesterday I had the interview. I saw someone who was a friend of a friend from my uni days working at the *embassy*.

So at the interview, the woman from the panel sits with me at the waiting room and talks to me. It seemed that she was asking me personal questions about my CV before the official interview. Also, one of the panel were not available to attend so I was confused when the interview actually started without him.

Then came the question, which goes something like: oh, so you know these computer languages and you have a better university degree than me...so why are you applying for this job?

My response was: I think I can do the job and I'm attracted to a varied role.

I hate those questions. Afterwards was the computer simulation, but then, there was a computer lock because I was taking my time to read through the document and I was on my own for 20 minutes and I had to actually leave the room and ask people in the office for help. Then they directed me to an IT guy, who, after waiting for him to come back from lunch, helped me out, by getting the member of the panel to unlock the computer. That psyched me out a bit.

I felt quite miserable afterwards, so I had some comfort food of McDonalds, and then I had a minor breathing attack in central london. I went home and practiced both my piano and clarinet. That was a little bit healing. But now, I just want to move on.

I say that. I don't really feel like moving on. I feel just like doing nothing. I feel so scared of failing or doing something wrong or making something awkward that it feels like the instinctual thing to do is hide in my safety space oif my bedroom.

anyway. i'm going to get on with stuff now. got to stop feelign miserable about myself.

Things that happened tuesday

• Anxiety happened through the day
• Knee injury during badminton (I'll live)
• Call from agency RE: interview invitation
• Call from Agency RE: interview tips
• Cancelled 14th november shift at shambly
• Fatigue
• Interview prep
• Invited to interview (HR Role) tomorrow)
• Invited to interview (Comms asst) for next monday
• Job search
• Readability catchup
• TV Watching
• Badminton

i feel angry at my life.

i am not in a good mood for an interview right now.

I am not psyched up or anything for this interview. I'm tired. I'm tired because I went to a funeral about 9 days ago and I haven't had more than a single day off work since the funeral and I am exhausted. I haven't had time to catch up on myself and now I suddenly have to rush to prepare for 2 interviews, a discussion group, an orientation session.

I want to be good at all of the things ahead of me, but I've been too stretched out.

I don't have any good chances anyway, being a minority group of several differnt kinds. I know that the agency has given them advice about how I am disabled and how that makes me different to interview as a candidate.

I want to purge. I want to put my fingers inside as far as I can into my mouth and see what happens.

I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I am trying so fucking hard and I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

I WON'T GET EITHER OF THE FUCKING JOBS AND I'LL WON'T BE ANYWHERE AHEAD. I need time to prepare and I don't have it. I feel like I don't have it.

I have to make the most of right now to feel prepared. I suppose that means putting off non priority stuff right now.

I'm finding life in a higher gear difficult.

when I was working last week at the multimedia office and the TV/Radio supplement at The Sentinel, I had these moments where everything caved in on me at work, that there was so much to do and I just simply had to power through it all.

Right now. I'm thinking about the following:

• Did my manager at SHambly read my email correctly when I said I'm dropping out of the PM shift and not the AM shift next friday? (I'll assume competence)
• I'm worried about the interview tomorrow, that I have very little time to prep for
• Need to prep for the interview TONIGHT
• Got to do other things, like, prep for the interview next monday. 
• Got to prep for the interview where I have an orientation session on Friday, but the actual interview is in under 3 weeks.

So this morning I was invited to 2 interviews. One of which is tomorrow (and I'm having help with) and the other is next monday (I said that already). 

I have a lot swirling in my head right now. And I'm not prepared to deal with it all. I'm not prepared to face all of this.

BUt I have to. and I have to somehow shine despite all the things against me.

I don't really want the job. That probably says I won't get it. 

I really, really want to purge right now.

In other news, my reaction to food (after taking the inhaler meds) has gotten so bad that I vomited into an empty plate and I felt so sick from having to clean it up that I vomited again after looking at the plate. Perhaps a lot of my recent vomiting from the food reactions have been triggering a lot of feelings about purging, as non-bulimic vomiting does invariably remind me of purging. 

Anyway. I need to do other shift now so I can't blog.

After work yesterday I crashed to bed, I ate a bit, watched tv, wanked, went to bed again. Head in a daze.

Woke up today, had a wank. Didn't think about much. Then some emails were coming in that I had to respond to:

• Shambly arena: shift times changed: can you still do it?
• Interview invitation: the Conservative charity foundation (not their real name) 
• Phone call: I've been invited to an interview, when? Tomorrow? what!! Also, the agency (who are very helpful) invited me to an interview coaching session

I've had a bite to eat. I need to make some decisions now:

• N eed to cancel a shift next week (because day is too long)
• need to plan for interview
• need to decide about interview tomorrow
• need to decide (when I'm emailed) about going to interview coahcing right now. 

Dear Diary,

I've had a busy week. I've been working in 3 different departmnets at the Sentinel. I really wish I could tellyou some of the stuff that has happened and that I've seen, but...I won't.  My life comprises of interesting experiences sometimes and I quite admire that.

I've been so tired today. I fell asleep for 3 hours in the afternoon and I need to sleep now. I'm working an event this coming monday and then I'm off for the rest of the week.

October has gone and November is here. Christmas is a very near reality. I am glad that I have a bit more money to not worry so much about xmas. I also need to save for the wedding I'm going to next year.

Last night I was in bed on my tablet watching videos on youtube of public displays of racism or fighting in london busses. It makes me feel anxious, but I feel weirdly drawn to public disorder. It kind of feels like...catharsis. It's like this inner turmoil and frustration that so many londoners have bottling up and it pops out from time to time in public.

After watching the bus fights I thought I wanted to see something else cathartic and disorderly. So I searched for 'job centre fights'. I was looking for people having public breakdowns, fighting and other forms of disorder in a job centre. I was watching these videos and eventually I re-lived my own personal hell.

My big revelation was this: 2005-2008/9 were the depression/eating disorder/uni years. After 10 years of having started uni I feel like I am starting to think about the overall bad times in a nostalgic way. There were good little glimmers in an otherwise bad time. I liked how there was that really cute girl from alexander technique class who was nice to me and worked at the 'Boston Tea Party cafe'. I wish I got her name, or at least her number. I wish I was more savvy and could say: hey, I would love to know you better, want to get a bite after your shift?

But I was in a difficult, dark place. However, despite the shitness of it and the shitness of my life since uni, I do smile when I think of that girl. I bet she's 28/29 now and I wonder what she's doing. I bet she still wears manic pixie clothes and smells like flowers. I just wish that I remembered her damned name!

The big revelation from watching those job centre fights was: after I came back from bristol I was in and out of job centres for a while. It was just before and up to the time that the Cameron coalition formed and lots of stuff began to change. Those times were so dark that I am too scared and vulnerable to even mention them. I want to sound tough or noble or goo, but there's nothing good about being in that situation. I believe that job centres function to be purposely dreary and depressing so that they make people scared into wanting to get into work....that is, those who can. For those who can't I have nothing but sympathy.

Around 2009 I started signing in to the job centre and jumping their hoops. After a while they sent me on this work programme and I absolutely hated it. It was where I met (inadvertently and things developed later) a friend that I chat to now. I get little flashes of memory from those days. Whenever I pass Elephant and Castle on the Thameslink I am reminded of the Reed in Partnership thing that I went to.

My big revelation was this: despite how shit the uni days were. It was the post-uni days that really and truly haunt me. They haunt me so much that I try to repress those memories. THere's so much shame in being unemployed. The work that I do is so close to unemployment but it is like living on a life support. However since working at the Sentinel and having 2 part time zero-hours jobs I have a little bit more to bounce on financially, but still a long ways to go.

I have no time or energy to focus on the past right now. I have so much to do and there's so much at stake. I'm worried about crashing and not coming out of it. I'm pushing my body and my mind so much that I needed to adjust myslef lately. I'm sort of managing day by day. I realise that some days I need to stop and take a rest when I know that I can.

My diet has changed lately. I have a bad reaction to dairy and I am not so keen on food now. I am starting to like different foods (i.e. foods that upset me less). I don't know what's going on with my body. That plus all of the grey hairs popping up. And my brother reminding me constatnyl that I'm going to go as bald as him one day.

dear diary,

I'm feeling quite unwell today.

In other news: I got an extra shift at the end of november for an event. Extra money...helps at christmas.

Things that make me feel hope

• got extra work this week
• as long as I'm breathing I still can change things

Things that make me feel vulnerable

.

• I'm frightened by an analyst job vacancy that i need to apply to
• I'm frightened by preparing for civil service test
• I'm frightened about relapsing

Things htat have happened lately:

• I've submitted a review for the Sentinel's Games page
• I've been to a funeral on sunday
• I went to a house party on saturday
• I got a free game
• I got some extra hours and days to work this week
• I'm working on sunday this coming week

• I'm actually really sleepy right now. Perhaps I'll go on and ...face the next day. 

I feel so in touch with my inner vulnerable right now. It's scary, makes me feel small. Makes me also pensie for my actions in the future

Time for bed now

Things I did o nTHursday:

• Booked gym classes for the next 7 days
• CXworks
• Feedly catchup
• Garden email
• Recieved november event shifts
• Received 1 day cover at the Sentinel (next monday)
• Recieved 2 extra events in november (sum total of 5 events)
• Scheduling of work days and updating pay matrix
• Job application: Intelligence Analyst
• Body combat
• Body Attack

Things I've done since I got home (counts under Friday)

• Invited to dinner for a friend I used to do garden stuff with 
• Sent job application: HR admin (British Council)
• ORdered Gramofon device, Spotify offered me one for free. How could I say no?

I'm kind of tired and there's not much more I really can say.

I'm off to bed.

I think I did good today. I think I can be proud of myself.

I'm not feeling so good lately

Work tomorrow.

On wards,

dear dairy,

got 2 extra event shifts, and an extra day at the sentinel.

suddenly I feel more energy.

one of my many 'on this day's lands today. Last year I did a thing that I call 'the big shop'. I've done a few 'big shops' since then. It's a sign of having gotten a bit more work since working at the sentinel to be able to spend money on myself instead of just eking out a living and barely having enough to travel and eat.

Of course, I'm not the only person in the country and the world thinking about money. Nor is my situation 'that' dire. But it isn't great either.

Dear Diary,

I've lived long enough not to care for platitudes. (insert platitude here).

Really feels quite tough to motivate myself at the moment. I can't get myself to do the bank of england job application because...I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll fail, like i always do. I'm scared the other analyst job will just be a disappointment. So scared that I won't bother to try.

I have to shake out of it.

Dear Diary,

There's that american saying: call it as you see it. Meaning being honest.

Things are a bit grey right now. Not bad, grey.

Grey means. I have an interview next month and a few extra days of work to be alright about Christmas.

Grey means I spent the past 3-4 days not being as productive as I could have been.

Grey means my fatigue and mood have been down for whatever reason.

Grey means that despite this Ihave been actually productive, but whether it was for the 'right things' is another issue.

Grey means I've been wanking a bit too much and that's bad.

Grey means I'm starting to plan for Christmas and I have a few gifts to give out already and that's good.

Grey means I can't be a heroic figure who does all the stuff but instead I am dreadfully mediocre

Grey means I've

I will try and get on with my schedule now. Over the past few days it felt like reading newspapers was a massive expenditure of energy, that I'm still recovering from.

Google calendar is my friend. Reminds me of stuff I need to do.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling too tired to write but I'm a little bit obliged.

On Saturday I went to a family party, cousin's daughters Christening, and it was a nice time. I was anxious about going to work the next day, on a sunday.

Sunday, went to work, relatively on time. I was scared about asking the editor to sign the timesheet but he was happy to oblige. £100 in the bag.

Sunday evening, Bag is really heavy from carrying newspapers (they would have gone in the recycle bin anyway!). So, as I got home I did a bit of reading and put an audiobook on (Goldacre). A lot of my evening consisted of reading newspapers and magazines. Still haven't finished!

My parents came home to tell me that someone at the party last night died on sunday morning. Apparently the guy who lives with his brother was unwell for a long while. It's really a head fuck that I saw someone who ...died so quickly after I saw him. I just found out like less than an hour ago so I haven't emotionally processed this. It's really sad. Apparently he went to my dad and mum's wedding. Back when my parents were immigrants from far away countries and ENgland was an unknown place to them. Not much family or friends in London they kept to the people they did know and still keep close to this day. That guy who died was one of them.

RIP Raj

dear diary,

right now I'm:

• going to continue my bank of england application tomorrow, after seeing it needs an essay length covering statement
• Going to finish my metadata assistant application today
• read some Kant and go to reading group

Dear Diary,

I just finished Moodgym.

Took over a year to do.

I don't know how to feel about it.

Dear Diary,

I'm experiencing a bit of anxiety right now. i thought I might put on my 'comfort music' for now.

Dear Diary,

Hattie from The Sentinel's HR emailed me this morning, offering 3 days of work covering over two desks. I replied with: let me check...YES I'LL DO IT

I have to cancel some things.

At the point before I checked my emails I was feeling a bit pensive. I was googling the meaning of 'existential crisis' and I think it applies to me. I was still in bed. Now I am out of bed I have got a lot to do all of a sudden. I've set a lot to do for myself today. I have to push hard. I am even putting in a cheeky gym session after I get to the GP today.

Google calendar and Google Keep are my friends right now.

I've scheduled myself to have lunch now.

Toodles.

Things I like about October:

• Memories make things familiar 
• cold feels familiar when everything else is new and scary
• memories make me a different person
• winter clothes
• universities are bustling with activities and press releases
• cosy rooms but not too cold, and not too cosy to be hard to get out of bed
• summer was still not long ago

Things I did on tuesday:

• Garden minutes - sending out
• Job search
• Feedly catchup
• Netflix: arrested development
• Non priority schema
• Piano practice
• Replied to Party invitation
• Purchased 6 months fetlife
• Badminton
• Badminton (2)

Today counts as 10 things.

There are moments when I feel that I am either living a delusion of grandeur or having absolute introspective clarity.

I've read about 100 blog posts/journal articles/tumblr kitty posts in the space of...2.5 hours or so and (not finished) I feel like I am staring into my soul and I see some unrealised self.

Does everyone want to be more than they are?

I sometimes want to do a PhD, I sometimes want to be a Philosophy lecturer. I think it would be boring and limiting. I'd be limited by the shitty funding and the oppressive state of higher education today. I kind of dream of having a position like Nietzsche where they let me do what I want for a brief moment of genius before I lose my shit. Or be an illusive Rector like Kant and do the boring admin stuff but actually really have the freedom to be a big-shot academic writing treatises that only pillow fuckers in the 2010s understand (now THAT is a delusion of grandeur).

When I used to purge, Mia would say to me...you are so close darling (slightly trying to explain something completely internal in a way a normal person might understand, so a metaphor of a woman talking to me fits best), you just need to keep purging...keep trying to achieve that weight and you'll be there.

That feeling of yearning, striving, I miss. I remember when I was doing my 'A' levels and I'd stay at home at my computer up late until about 2-3am doing work and I'd stop only because I felt exhausted. I pushed myself so hard and I miss that person I used to be.

I also believe (my standard narrative) that it was that kind of behaviour that caused me to have a breakdown which led to severe depression.

I miss working hard. I miss how when I was 16-17 I worked really hard at night studying with the belief that I'd get a UCAS offer to Kings College or Marjon or York or Bristol University. I remember having that feeling...belief...of aspiration. I'd aspire to be more, get adegree, get a job like my sister, fall in love and do the whole marriage/babies/get a house thing.

10-12 years on and I'm still 16 years old. I'm applying to jobs that 21-24 year olds are applying to, and that I'm not fucking getting. Sometimes I get invited to do an adult job but I still don't get it because someone older than me is massively overqualified.

Life is simple when all I can express of these difficult thoughts and feelings, is simplified into putting two fingers down my throat.

I'm so tempted right now. SO many feelings, my hopelessness, my hope, my sense of striving to self realisation, and the vivid way that I remember things from a past no longer relevant to my present.

I'm going to stop writing this post and get on with my blog reading.

Dear Diary,

My coffee stirrers and 'new situations' have been low lately. Perhaps because I haven't been out of the house except for the gym lately.

However I must admit that I feel this week went well. One interview invitation for next month, a job application done plus I survived a lot of low-ness lately.

Today I got up and thought: fuck the garden so I stayed in and watched Andrew Marr. I then did some filing to deal with a fuckload of documents next to my desk. I am not even close to complete on it, but I only just need to do it gradually and I'll be done.

After that I decided to go to the gym which is not in accordance to my routine. I've had back issues so I did some exercises which were gentle to my back but very oriented to recovery. Namely, squats and glute bridges. Having said that I really could have just done those exercises at home making the trip to the gym unnecessarily wet. It was really pissing down today, in a way that says: we are really in the middle of Autumn now.

I have weird emotions about this time of year. I feel like...I'm reverting to a personality that I used to be. I don't know how to feel about it. In a way I feel at home, in another way...I don't want to be that person anymore.

I also overate today.

Dear diary,

I've been fully into the things I've done lately, which means being tired a lot.

I woke up, did two classes at the gym. Intended to do just one. THe second one really killed. I can't get out of my chair without severe pain. I think I need to take time out of the gym...AGAIN.

In other news, I have a busy few days ahead. Even though I'm not working so much over this month (currently) I an continuing with it all. I find it suspicious how I haven't gotten feedback from my interview that I didn't get through on. My brain's thinking the worst.

I had an epiphany a couple of nights ago, it goes something like this:

A particular theme of the things that get me down are that they fall under two kinds of thoughts, dwelling on the past and dwelling on the unknown future.

When Dwelling on the Past the world that I think about is ultimately a closed one, because all the stuff its about already happened. Even though that world was shit, it is something I am familiar with and re-live with a modicum of comfort, because it's familiar

What's harder to think about is the present, and the world of now. I should choose to focus on the world of now and less on the past, acknowledge that I feel those things about the past, and then just get on with stuff. I feel like I'm without the things that make me, me. I've felt that way before and the way I managed was to just...get by and take on a new identity and new things, new habits. I suppose I could very well do the same thing again. Rise from the ashes.

The world of now is not introspective, it requires action and things that are very real. The world of my memories is closed and I can always go back there. I can't go back to things as they are now, for better and for worse. Got to focus on the present.

I might go to bed in a moment. I keep going to bed late lately.

 

 

 

 

 

dear diary,

I'm feeling a bit tired tonight (at 11pm). That makes a difference from going to bed at the likes of 4-5am.

Before I sleep I want to list the stuff I've done today:

• Went to work
• (during work) Read all my latest RSS items
• Catch up on magazines and readability
• Job Searching
• Received email confirming my place on a civil service assessment day
• Watched The Desolation of Smaug on netflix after I got home...bloody good film I must say.

I'm going to try to go to bed now.

My brain feels like i've done enough today.

Good night.

dear diary,

i missed the GP appointment because sleep.

I had horrible insomnia last night.

Was in  a dark place last night.

Getting ready to get out of the house now.

Dear Diary,

I felt quite low today. I haven't been in a good way. But I managed to get a few things done. After a bit of a struggle.

I must try to sleep earlier. I've got a Gp appointment later in the morning.

I don't feel as tired as I should be.

dear diary,

I am kind of depressed again.

I am struggling to get on with my to do list

In terms of job applications, I did well this week. Later today (saturday) is my only work day this week. I'll be working on a saturday, after work I'm going to a family party.

I wish I could sleep right now. I am having a couple of worrying thoughts in my mind. I wish I could relax

3 years ago to the day my uncle died.

I'm not sure how to feel about that.

These days I watch episodes of things on netflix and tivo like Cracker and Highlander. Nostalgia tv as it were. I like how (not for cracker) there are episodes which are basically open and shut. Open: problem. Resolved: closed. Very simple.

I had a really really bad depression/ED temptation episode today. I pushed myself, I pushed and pushed and pushed to get things done. The hours went by like sand in one of those glass timers and I didn't notice it go by. I was too busy.

I really wish I could push myself more like that. I also don't want it to have to take a serious upset moment to lead me to do that.

I'm proud of myself today. I survived some pretty bad triggers. I'm still hurting and its not 'resolved' y a damned sight, but... I did good. I gave something to fight those demons that I have. Something to show for myself.

Now it's tomorrow to think about.

Things I did on Tuesday (revised)

• Playing saints row 4 on my new computer, before almost vomiting
• Email catchup
• Feeling low
• Messaging RE: date I have tomorrow
• Piano
• Readability catchup
• Received exstra shift at work
• Reply from interview/asked for feedback
• Sent application: public affairs assistant (didn't get)
• Spirometer readings
• Update garden planning document
• Badminton

I think that is a good productive day.

But what I felt earlier in the morning...was scary.

Things I've done today: tuesday

• Played saints row 4 (after midnight) before i went to sleep
• Email catchup
• feeling low
• Messaged OkC person about proposed date tomorrow
• Piano practice
• Readability catchup
• Recevied extra shift at shambly
• Reply from interview (didn't get it)/asked HR for feedback
• Sent job application after seeing a vacancy in guardian jobs and emailing about it
• Spirometer readings
• Updated garden planning document

Things yet to do:

• badminton

dear diary,

i requested for a new fucking nectar card. that was like 3 months overdue. I think that's progress

dear diary (doest that say dairy? - no - okay 5th spelling is a charm)

I'm feeling quite low today. It's a streuggle just to be upright.

I'm doing as best I can today.

I didn't get that job at the Sentinel last week. Maybe I should try applying to the Guardian instead, I can't keep applying to the Sentinel and get turned down. I asked for feedback.

I'm doing a really extensive job application right now. It's asking for my passport number (remember that I recently got a new one) and other details. It asked for my grade point average for various years in which I was at university. Looked at my grades in first year (average is 60) and I triggered.

I have to get on.

Life's easier in a way with voices in your head. Easier but not better.

I woke up today feeling horrid. I was remembering stuff from the uni days. Who I used to be, the potential I felt I squandered and remembering how everything didn't go my way and failed miserably as I had depression and anxiety issues.

I will never forgive myself for what happened. I know people say that I am not my anxiety or depression, and later on, I was not my eating disorder.

I can't accept that. It impared me in a way that really affected my life chances and who I am now. THe heaviness of the past really upsets me. It weighs down who i am now.

I woke up thinking about some people from the philsoc at uni. It upset me as I woke up. I thought about Hannah who has nothing to do with those days. Hannah doesn't know who I used to be, and to some extent, the person she knows me now as isn't too related to those days and has nothing to do with her. Sometimes people get to know me and know me from a different era of my life...which colours how they know me.

I feel immense guilt for the fact that many people I do know, knew me from that dark period and I feel immense shame about that period of my life.

I really don't want to get out of bed today. But I did. I really feel like I don't have much to get up for. That interview last week didn't go he way I wanted, I'm scheduled to apply for a job I know that I won't get, and ...I just wish I could make something decent of my life.

I know I'm able. I know I can do this. I just need a chance.I need to fight on today.

I hate feeling this way. On reflection, perhaps this is the challenge I asked for. Stupid me, I wanted to face those demons to see if I could defeat it. I didn't realise it would be this hard.

At some point today I will brush my teeth and maybe shave.

I should eat properly too.

For now, will do job application.

Dear Diary,

I have a sore back. I have an attration to sunday mornings. Something that seems institutional and traditional about it. In addition I like the sunday paper. I do actually buy a lot of the Sunday Sentinel lately. I know its a bit self-indulgent especialyl since I worked there. I really like the breadth of topics.

i'm spending a bit of the weekend doing some laptoping with my new laptop - namely, installing and setting up a new ecosystem

Things I did on Friday

• Attempted to download some programs to set up my new beloved computer. That computer is like a lover to me. An objectified lover who I see as a thing for my pleasure. A sexy i7 thing
• I was contacted about covering for 2 weeks at the Sentinel for a senior figure. Turns out...I wasn't needed. I could have gotten £660 for that. That's a life changing amount of money which merely depended on the response from an email. I'm kinda down about that
• I emailed one of my correspondences. I may not have said this on the blog: I have a few email correspondences whom I enjoy having conversations with through email, like we are 1970s researchers who are pioneering the internet 
• Feedly catchup
• Feedly starred items catchup
• More installing of programmes - but actually games
• Watching a lot of netflix
• Receipt processing -- about 5 months worth
• Received a free DVD of an italian film called 'I CLown'
• Retrieved missing dropbox files: I almost lost 5 years worth of personal (and irreplaceable) files. Fucking cloud computing is scary
• I actually was t work today
• Rest day from the gym (after 3 classes yesterday)
• COntinuing with my spirometer readings - will sort out a GP appt over the next few days.
• (I was managing with being upset today)

I consider these activities to be a 'lot' 13 items in fact.

I am kinda proud of myself that I spent so much of my day being active. Reading 100 blog articles was a bit difficult.

I've got a few demons haunting me lately, but...I think I'm fighting. I think I'm fighting the fight. 

When I was in sixth form there was a version of me who thought that if I worked really really hard at something I could succeed with flying colours. Then, a lot of failure happened.

I'm trying to make a life out of the shitness that I have around me. I'm really glad that my childhood and teens weren't so fucked up. I mean, I did have a paedo teacher, lived around a substance abuser and there are *those family issues not to talk about on the blog*. 

I have a lot of anger inside me. A lot of old issues, old hurts. In the mess of memories that forms my mind, I wonder if there's something positive, something optimistic, something that can give me hope. I really wish I could be all I could be. That kind of thought upsets me right now. Because I know I'm not all I can be. The thought that I could be more...has been destructive to me. 

But so tempting.

All of my frustrations...my failuresin life. It only makes sense when I'm pushing my body in the gym.

Got some fucking classes in the morning. Maybe I can save my soul through 2 hours of punishment.

Things I did on Thursday

• Job Searching
• audiobook catchup
• attemmpt to continue installing into new laptop
• CXWorks gym class (1/3)
• Body Combat (2/3)
• Body Attack (3/3)
• Examined course options
• Received October shifts and updated pay matrix
• Feeling low
• A friend joined in body attack class
• Sent job application (public affairs researcher)

So, all in all, that's 11 things I got up to.

I felt a bit low today. I had some triggers about the interview that I had earlier this week. In addition I'm tempering that with a sense of hope and optimism about having a new outlet to relieve myself and my woes of the world through gaming. On Wednesday I was playing minecraft for the first time in a couple of years and I loved it. I was spending the night in a wilderness hoping those green guys didn't poke me.

Around 4pm I felt that I did everything that I could today and couldn't be bothered to do any more tasks. So what I ended up doing was deciding to go straight to the gym and do 3 classes end to end.

There's a girl that I kinda fancy and she was wearing a different top today. I normally am in the front of the room in the class but I wasn't in a 'front' mood (Goffmanesque reference there). Her body looked different to me. I am having body demons lately and perhaps its affecting how I see other people as well? I was thinking to myself: gosh I consider that woman to be fitter than me but look at her. I bet she doesn't train as much as I do. Maybe if she does she has a diet that reflects that body...

I shouldn't perve so much at the gym, although its more specific people than a general perversion.

I think I might write an email and then go to bed. I've got work tomorrow. I don't have many work days this month. I'm scraping by with 1 day a week. At Shambly arena they changed the policy about cancelling your availability for shifts, apparently if you do it too much you might not get asked to do any more shifts (i.e. fired). I really can't afford to lose this job, especially since The Sentinel hasn't really been offering any work to me lately. 

I kinda miss those times when I was asked to work a day and I'd just jump and say YES. Or even the times when I'd say I can't do a cover shift because I'm already working somewhere else. 

Fuck me. FUck me fuck me. 

You know, it's not all that bad. I've been super productive today and I have been within my calories (just about) and I had a really really intsense workout. 

I've lived through hell during my uni days. And I lived through such hellish times I push myself really hard to try and replicate what I went through because, I suppose that...I suppose that I don't forgive myself for being so ill. I feel like I have to make up for it.

I have to make up for lost years, lost lives. My neighbour across the road (the one who died, so former neighbour) stayed in his room all the time and had an alcohol problem, yes he did a mastters and graduated from uni, but he died at the age of 33 with very little to show for it. I worry that I'll be him. Especailly because, as a child I looked up to him. I thought he was cool being an older male and the limited presence of role models.

When I write these blog posts lately I am a lot more emotionally articulate. I think it is the onset of the 'dark months'. I'm probably doing alright, but, I need to keep fighting. DO you remember those times when you couldn't even think about next week? I mascochistically, desperately want to be in that dark place again.

I wish I could be the noble warrior who would fight evil and injustice with the moral character of perfection and be a representation of moral goodness. The Plato saying of 'The Good man cannot be harmed' comes to mind. I don't have any narratives in my life at the moment, so my eating disorder is kind of a lack of alternatives. My food demons are very, very present. In the lack of control of everything else in my life. I can control what I put in my mouth. And get tempted by the finger

Anyway, better do one of my correspondence emails. 

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, I see my life as a set of problems that need resolving.

I guess everyone has things that need some form of resolution, those things that bar our contentness or sense of achievement or even our sense of self.

I got upset today. I had a trigger walking home.

One of the qeustions in the interview was: why do you want to work in admin?

I paused.

The real answer is:

I WANT TO DO A FUCKING PHD BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING AND IT IS MOSTLY MY FAULT FOR PURGING ALL THE TIME DURING MY FUCKING MASTERS. I HATE WHAT I AM AND EVERYTHING THAT I AM NOW IS THE SCOURGE OF WHAT I USED TO BE. I LIVE AN INAUTHENTIC LIFE OF FAILURE AND I AM IRREVERSIBLY TAINTED BY EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD

Instead I answered with a pause, A good answer might have been:

I'd like to do this job and I'd be happy being in this job for the next few years.

Perhaps I could have said with gritted teeth:

I would like to work as an admin manager in a few years

My actual answer was something like. I want to do a PhD part time and this job will fund it. 

I got upset because.

There's that whole process, starting with that all caps lock screaming in my head.

I have cried a couple of times in hte past few days. It's a gentle cry. The kind of cry that when I'm on my own reflecting on things, saying home truths to myself.

I'm having food issues lately. I ate too much today and yesterday. Yesterday I was over calories by 300kcal. Today I'm over by 1000 or so. I am unable to account for the full activities of my day (working consisted of standing and walking around) calorically I can't get everything 100% but I'm working with rough estimates. Rough estimates: I'm over 1000 kcal.

I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody better. I want to live a better life. I need to be someone different when I look in front of that mirror.

I'm so tempted with purging these days. I absolutely cannot do it.

Instead I've got this caloric control thing going on. I weighed myself this week to compare with last week. Not only have I gained 3lbs but I am my highest weight on record. I miss the days when I was 178 or 166lbs. Even if I felt unhappy, I could just purge and feel a temporary sense of relief and escape from the world. I remember the times when I would purge and stay in my room for as long as I could. I remember when I would purge multiple times in a row and there was a bit of blood in the vomit.

I'm going to be so upset when I get a response about the job this week. When I am told that I didn't get a place on the interview.

I might set up my schedule for thursday. Perhaps that will help me focus on the present, focus on better things.

The thing is. I don't think I can escape those 'unanswered questions' that mia has. Certain unanswered questions (following Charles Ives's 'whither music?') haunt me. And I'd like to think its a universal concern.

Back in 2006 I had a day when I felt so depressed and I wouldn't get out of bed unless out of forcing myself.

There was a day when my DSA computer and assistive technologies came in. I was over the moon. In fact, some of the stuff still is part of my inventory today.

Today was a similar kind of joy. At 8am on tuesday a woman from the post office rang the bell. I had my computer come in. My new MSI computer (or computrons as I call it with Hannah).

Some other things that happened today:

• Job interview
• Attempted to change topology of my desk
• Installing programs into new computer
• Purchased birthday gift for neighbour
• BIrthday dinner for neighbour
• Badminton
• Purchased new antivirus
• (received laptop)
• Spirometer readings
• Anxiety

A lot happening today. I feel like I sailed through it. I feel like things are actually happening. I am working off the momentum that I set for myself when Iwas working back in august/early september.

I just really now need to push on and ...keep things going. Keep things moving. Keep my life moving. 

I'm kinda chuffed that I got my new computer, new tablet.

Not so chuffed that I spent a fuckton of money.

I'm not exactly going to get a lot of money over october.

I'm doing my weekly review:

Observations/grey schema targets

1. 3 Anxiety Days
2. 3 Fatigue days
3. 0 Stupour Days
4. 2 Low Days
5. 1 paid work days
6. 43 Number of coffee stirrers

anxiety is high this weke
low days are increasing lately...
Not so great with paid word days.


but...
43 coffee stirrers. THat's unprecedented. I think I should be proud of that. I've almost finished the coffee stirrers

Also note: no stupour days, that means no 'wasted' days

Dear Diary,

I bought a tablet computer identical to the old one to replace it with the various flaws that the old one had (wear and tear/abusing it). It came in on saturday. I feel a big sense of relief. I've bought a new laptop, coming in later this coming week.

I have an interview coming up too. It's hanging over my head for various reasons. I'm worried about money, the future, career etc. It would be so damned good if I had this  I can't jinx this interview. I really want this job.

A while back I talked about the coffee stirrers. Well, I've nearly ran out of them.

Am I a different person from when I started that weird ritual? Yes, yes I am. It's no big epiphany. Instead I am always trying to improve my efficiency.

My sunday was like a desk day. I have also developed a recent ability to not let things linger and try to solve problems when I can. It doesn't mean its' immediately, but it does mean that I do try and get things done without leaving things to linger...except for piano practice.

I'm going to have a new laptop with my new tablet. It will be like a big overhall. On jots.me I have set up a list of 'aspirational' things to buy.

After the laptop, there really aren't too many big achievable purchases. Any bigger than the laptop includes the saxophone, and moving out.

I just hope I'm really good this week. I do my work, push myself, and swallow some eggs.

I think life for me lately is all about swallowing eggs, doing the hard stuff I don't want to do. But I have to.

Anyway, I have my week review to do and after that I'm gonna sleep.

I only slept 2-3 hours after I came home on saturday night/sunday morning.

Onwards.

(p.s. I must say despite being in a rush and feeling nonplussed about everything, things are actually quite good. I have a non-monogamous relationship and hope.

Welcome Autumn)

Things I would have changed in my life:

Definitely

• I would have focussed more on my masters from the beginning and not on running the online depression support group and Marie's constant texts telling me she's self harming
• Don't tell the people in the crissis intervention team that I was going to kill myself. The following things would have happened:
• I would have went to the assistance workshop on making postgraduate applications in Sociology
• I would have went to my sister's 30th birthday party in london on that weekend 
• I would have met up with that cute french girl in the sociology seminar and we would do our book review together on Super-Cannes, which I happened to only finally read this year
• I would have attempted to apply to Cambridge and Oxford because I definitely had the grades, the talent and the ability to go. Just, nobody said it was for me or that I could or should go

Maybe

• I would have stayed in Wales with Antonia and moved in with her (and her daughter)as her live-in lover, even though I was currently unemployed at the time. Maybe we could have had a try at being a happy family and me being a stepdad
• Maybe this year choosing to go to the interview at RAND corporation instead of the whitehall department (that I didn't get the job for )
• I wish I joined the Catholic society at university...I wonder how I'd have ended up if that happened. I could have been part of their community, went to mass, maybe I'd be happy as a Catholic Christian and had a nice catholic girlfriend or became a priest and did a Philosophy PhD through vatican money

Just curious

• What if I knew I wasn't going to do a PhD after my masters and left the bristol flat and moved back home in 2008?
• What if I never decided to meet Antonia and stayed a virgin at 21?  Maybe I'd still be a virgin now. But maybe that would be at the cost of having a good stable government job and even though i'd hate myself I would still be earning over 25k with a good pension
• What if I did actually kill myself? My life wouldn't be shit now, because I woulnd't have a life. I'd exist as the perfect memory of who I once was. And probably destroy my family as a result. It might have affected my sister having her baby, getting married and my niece and nephew being born in the way they are now. Still, call me selfish. I do kind of really wish if I was dead back then, none of this this shit and disappointment and despair would exist in my life. Better to die as someone 'with so much potential', than live as someone constantly trying with mixed results.

I just want to be a better me.

I used to think that heroes were the people who would fight evil defend the good.

That, I learned is called Manacheanism

My demons are:

• Self doubt - That means I don't have faith that the things I want and the way I want the world to be can really be realised
• Regret - that means, certain events in my life I wish ended up differently and I blame my current situation on those events.
• The belief that I could have made more of my life
• Comparing myself to other people
• My body issues and lack of acceptance of it
• Worrying about money
• Worrying about the future and my lack of a future
• The sadness I have of feeling I've lost something in my life that I could or should have had

I wish I could fight these demons.

I feel like the only way I can is to simplify the problem: make it about food and eating.

Dear diary,

New internet line put into the house. we changed contract.

In other news, things I did on Friday:

• Had dinner at fish bar
• Lot of walking
• Went to work
• Fatigue
• Purchased new Tablet computer (while at work)
• Continued Spirometer readings
• Body Attack (where the trainer was flirting with me and I was all still like a solider and awkward and blusshing and not sure what to do)

Things I've done since midnight:

• Garden admin (or 'garden cunting shit')
• Set up modification to GCal scheduling system
• Thinking about segregating tasks by their essence
• Fitness to be a single thing
• Reminders and regular tasks another
• Audiobooks and reading to be another
• 
  

came back from work today (nice to have paid work)

I had an anger trigger. I was looking over the event today and we normally do 30 min stints and people relieve whoever is supervising. I wasn't relieved for 45 minutes and I was getting angry because I wanted to go to the canteen and get fish and chips. I felt like it was a treat for me and I love fish and chips, plus it helps me feel centered and in control to co-ordinate when I can eat nice dinnners instead of losing control and eating snack food.

However because they took 45 mins I was getting angry and I was upset with myself because of how  Iwas so dependent on those fish and chips in the canteen to make me feel good and they denied me that and I didn't awant anything else, not even fish and chips for m another place. I felt so tempted to purge because of that.

Things I did on Thursday

1. Anxiety episode
2. Booked hair cut
3. feedly catch up
4. garden meeting prep
5. garden meeting
6. received payslip (technically pay is tomorrow)
7. Did houework
8. job searching
9. Piano/clarinet
10. Received payment from dad
11. spirometer readings
12. Training: Upper body weights
13. Finalised Laptop purchase

All in all...that's a lot?

There's so much more to do.

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I think about my childhood and how much it affect who I am as an adult.

I also think about how my Niece and Nephew are so fortunate to have all their grandparents (touch wood) and how their grandparents are such a big part of their lives. I love how I can be a part of their lives and how my parents give my little niece and nephew little adventures every week or every other week.

It means so much to me to realise how I am contributing to helping them have an idyllic childhood. I know that everyone around them has money issues and stuff but I'm happy they might have the future where they will look back on these days favourably.

dear diary,

this evening I had a salad for dinner. It was really nice. It had a luxurious olive oil and balsamic vinegar copiously surrounding it.

I want to tell myself that  Ican have dinners like these, meals which are salads and light foods, not high caloric monstrosities.

When I do tell myself that I want to think that I will get mens health abs and I will be successful and beautiful and even if I hate myself I will be beautiful on the outside.

I was within my calories today, even though I had a pack of skittles (for badminton energy)

Today a young guy came by the door talking about the RNIB or something. It was one of those charity sales pitchers and he had so much charisma and doing high fives and mentioning family guy and other youthful cultural references. His sales pitch for charitable donations were so aggressive that I felt a bit of panic.

I felt uncomfortable and like I was facing some facet of reality that I have been shielded from or that I cannot bear to face.

It reminds me of a flashback:

I'm starting second year. I am meeting my sociology tutor for the first time. I am going to have the talk. The one that starts: I have severe depression. As I'm in the queue for his attention this guy is also a law lecturer and there's an older guy in his mid-late 20s saying how he's doing a conversion degree and talking about his sister's 40th birthday. I was thinking how this guy's life has advanced in so many experiences that I couldn't bear to face the day in which I am in that position myself with a sister who is 40 and having kids. The whole situation is insufferable and I ...I struggle just to wait.

My life at the time was horrible. It was a panic attack to just get out of bed. You  couldn't imagine the agony. I felt that this was adulthood and it would never end or change.

In a way I was wrong about that. In another way. I wasn't wrong. THat agony is still there, the unbearableness of the mundane reality of life.

I just got more used to it. Beer helps, coffee helps, wanking helps. Junk food helps. I'm trying to cut back on all of those (except wanking ...although I should probably reduce that too).

I want to just lay in bed and escape my life.But I also realise that won't help anything or anyone.

Dear Diary,

I've gotten an invitation to an interview. Which is nice.

I kind of expected I'd get an interview for this role. Well, not expected, reasonably hoped. I know what the job requires so I thought I'd go for it.

I was then told the actual pay for it. £20k min. Not too bad. I'll finally earn enough to get 'taxed out of my arse', if I get it

Probabilities range from 1/5 - 1/8. Or in my terms:

P= 1/5 - 1/8 * 1/5 modifier

Anyway.

I have to contact HR about adjustments.

Monday

This monday:

(background)

• Supposed to be working at multimedia department - cancelled
• supposed to work an evening event - cancelled

(things I did)

• Blogging
• Anxiety 
• Went to body combat class
• fatigue in afternoon
• Feedly catchup
• Playlisting for audiobooks
• Playlisting for Music
• Responded to the games editor who is looking for games reviewers

Things I've done since midnight:

• ordered new oyster card
• ebay messaged guy who I'm supposed to buy a laptop from

Dear Diary,

It's my office day today.

I'm off from work for a couple days. Working on a saturday. The upside is money. The downsides for working this saturday are:

• Hannah invited me to hers this weekend at her mum's country house. We could have an almost normal weekend as a couple and do couply things like rambling and have a roast dinner at the nearby country pub like I'm not some urbanised street hoodlam from the ghettos of south london. Instead, work.
• One of the boys invited me to thorpe park

In a way its just as well. I'm not exaclty rolling in cash right now.

On tuesday I was asked to do 2 days cover. Guess what. I was working those 2 days so I couldn't do it...fuck! I hate when I can't do work because I'm already working. It's not as if I have lots of work this month either.

I missed out on a full week this week because I'm doing 2 days. I guess that's the downside of working where I do.

(this post was meant to be up yesterday)

Today at work somebody had a massive mental breakdown. I feel kinda upset seeing it. The guy had some IT problems on his computer and ended up going on a tirade and crying. He's like a world famous interviewer.

Something else today: there's a lot of really headed emotional discussion about Scotland. Most of the people in the sunday sentinel are scottish, and as such, there were very high emotions

Dear Diary,

Is it inconsistent to sy the following:

I have too much to do
I'm not doing enough.

I think it is not for me right now.

I have a massive backlog of things.
I haven't been managing my time lately
I have too much to do if I set everything I wanted to

I need to cut down abit and focus on priorities.

Today a few of my friends did some amazing charity things. Two guys went to brighton and back on a bike. One woman ran all the way up the gherkin.

Today I didn't do so much. I woke up about 6, then 9, then 1pm. Then I watched a DVD for a film review. I decided the film was too monotonous to review so I gave up on the project. Then I have did a lot of bidding on Ebay with money that I don't currently have. I've been bidding to buy a new tablet computer and then I saw some laptops and I thought: I'll bid on some laptops too!


Airsoft was yesterday, it was okay. There were moments when it was great. Then there were some really shit moments like when my friend started giving trouble to the management and we nearly got a group ban. Then there was some other awkwardness after the game. I could talk a lot about it but to be honest I can't be bothered.

THe first thing I did as I got up was look at my tasks. I decided that the most pressing task was to finish a job application to a very special government department. I decided at that point that I had to do that application if it was the last thing I did.

Partly due to my fatigue overall after airsoft, it virtually was the last thing I did. Well, the DVD. Then I watched some Highlander. Then I read a book and finished it. Then more ebaying. Then feeling tired.

I have a few days of work this coming week. I am not even thinking about it and that's really bad. My brain just feels...dulled out.

I'm also thinking a lot about food and calories and that kind of thing.

Anyway. I'm going to post this, have a shower and then maybe go to bed and put some audiobooks on.

Things I did on thursday:

• Anxiety
• Felt low
• FOldering
• Messaged friend about airsoft gear
• Looking for balaclava (and found it)
• Watching Highlander on Netflix
• Put together loadout in bag
• Configured loadout 
• Tidy up wardrobe
• Body Attack

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up, went to work, played badminton and went home.

In the background of my thoughts I'm worried about my now old tablet (bought last year). it's on its last legs and I think it would be best if I bought a new one.

Overall today I did the following:

1. Work
2. Badminton
3. Talked my friend into coming to airsoft
4. Readability catchup (at work)
5. Watched highlander on netflix (after work)

I feel restless. It's nearly midnight and I actually want to go to bed. 

Something feels very wrong with this situation.

Perhaps I will do an email to one of my friends and then end the day, maybe put some radio on and tomorrow will be another day.

things I did on Monday:

• Archiving
• Gym direct debit paid
• Job search
• monthly review
• Netflix
• Purchased airsoft scarf
• Received 2 extra event shifts
• sent job application (not the one mentioned in previous post, that counts as a tuesday job application)
• Body Combat

That counts as a 9-activity day.

Not bad, compared to much of my days.

but I have more to do.

More to apply for.

dear diary,

there's a few jobs that open up this time of year...that I am scared of applying for.

APplied to one job just now, at The Sentinel, its' an admin/PA job. WOuld be nice if I got it, if I got it...

one of my payday matrices went up from £171 to £246.

that helps a bit. especially when i have multiple paydays. Every little helps as they say, and emphasis on little.

dear diary,

got 2 extra shifts..i think

Dear Diary,

I went on a date yesterday with Hannah. Hannah and I went to visit city of london, st pauls and then we went to the science museum in kensington. It was a great day, we had a lot of laughs, plus I got to see Newton and Leibniz.

One of the running jokes was: why is Newton in every exhibit in the science museum. If it were up to me the science museum would only have Newton and Turing and dancing bears on poles. But that's just my imagination.

So I'm really behind on my applications, really behind. I need to get my shit together. If I'm brutally honest I have control issues, namely a lack of control...I'm wanking way too much and chatting to some new women on fetlife, and I am also snacking way too much and it kind of makes my head swirl in a dizzy kind of way where it's comparable to me being drunk.

In fact I think gorging on junk food affects my brain worse than alcohol...something weird happens to my brain and I need to 'quit' it.

So I've got stuff to do today. I got some emails from Shambly asking for extra shifts. Extra shifts mean more money. I'm a bit down lately because I was approached to do a 1 week assignment at The Sentinel, but I had to say 'no' because I'm working 2 days that week and I can't cancel. I'm a PA for the sunday Sentinel next week and it wouldn't be good to say 'no thanks' to that.

I'm going to try and be focussed. You know what...I shouldn't channel what I'm going to do by saying 'I'm going to...' because I've been doing it too fucking much without any outcome.

In other news, today is september 1st...the day I started purging in 2007, before I started my masters.

September 1st is kind of like my september 11th, the day everything in my life changed, and fucked up. But like september 11th, it's probable that there are further antecedents that caused the chin of events that followed.

Anyway, onwards.