Saturday, November 8, 2014

dear diary.

I've felt a lot of pressure on my shoulders over the past few days.

It's also upset my body a lot. my stomach in particular and my lungs.

I wasn't in the best mood earlier this week with the interview. I hope that this coming monday I might be.

Earlier on friday (yesterday) I went to a civil service thingy and they were very helpful about my disability needs.

After that session I got tired, I treated myself to some junk food and went to a gym class.

After the gym I snacked a bit and now I'm planning my weekend. I need to think seriously and strategically for the next few days.

A past version of me used to talk about how I wanted to be a certain person who could face all these adversities and win.

Instead, I am that person and I need to be. I need to be a person that survives all the shit that I'm having thrown at me right now. I'm better at coping on some days than others.

My schedule says: I need to sleep. Long day ahead. I've got it mostly planned. Gym in the morning, get home, do some stuff during the afternoon. Go to a friend's party briefly and then get home (no alcohol I think)

'November is a tough month for me' is the story I keep telling myself. I sort of perpetuate it if I see all those memories as painful and things to cause fear. Right now I have the present to deal with and the present for me is harder to manage than the past. The present is also more real, more immanent and

I better go to bed now. Maybe get some food from downstairs first.

I have to say to myself, because I don't do myself the credit: I'm surviving and fighting pretty hard at the moment these days. I'm also giving myself a good amount of rest and break because I need it...maybe i could use more. It's all about working smart now, and not just working hard.

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