Monday, November 3, 2014

Dear Diary,

I've had a busy week. I've been working in 3 different departmnets at the Sentinel. I really wish I could tellyou some of the stuff that has happened and that I've seen, but...I won't.  My life comprises of interesting experiences sometimes and I quite admire that.

I've been so tired today. I fell asleep for 3 hours in the afternoon and I need to sleep now. I'm working an event this coming monday and then I'm off for the rest of the week.

October has gone and November is here. Christmas is a very near reality. I am glad that I have a bit more money to not worry so much about xmas. I also need to save for the wedding I'm going to next year.

Last night I was in bed on my tablet watching videos on youtube of public displays of racism or fighting in london busses. It makes me feel anxious, but I feel weirdly drawn to public disorder. It kind of feels like...catharsis. It's like this inner turmoil and frustration that so many londoners have bottling up and it pops out from time to time in public.

After watching the bus fights I thought I wanted to see something else cathartic and disorderly. So I searched for 'job centre fights'. I was looking for people having public breakdowns, fighting and other forms of disorder in a job centre. I was watching these videos and eventually I re-lived my own personal hell.

My big revelation was this: 2005-2008/9 were the depression/eating disorder/uni years. After 10 years of having started uni I feel like I am starting to think about the overall bad times in a nostalgic way. There were good little glimmers in an otherwise bad time. I liked how there was that really cute girl from alexander technique class who was nice to me and worked at the 'Boston Tea Party cafe'. I wish I got her name, or at least her number. I wish I was more savvy and could say: hey, I would love to know you better, want to get a bite after your shift?

But I was in a difficult, dark place. However, despite the shitness of it and the shitness of my life since uni, I do smile when I think of that girl. I bet she's 28/29 now and I wonder what she's doing. I bet she still wears manic pixie clothes and smells like flowers. I just wish that I remembered her damned name!

The big revelation from watching those job centre fights was: after I came back from bristol I was in and out of job centres for a while. It was just before and up to the time that the Cameron coalition formed and lots of stuff began to change. Those times were so dark that I am too scared and vulnerable to even mention them. I want to sound tough or noble or goo, but there's nothing good about being in that situation. I believe that job centres function to be purposely dreary and depressing so that they make people scared into wanting to get into work....that is, those who can. For those who can't I have nothing but sympathy.

Around 2009 I started signing in to the job centre and jumping their hoops. After a while they sent me on this work programme and I absolutely hated it. It was where I met (inadvertently and things developed later) a friend that I chat to now. I get little flashes of memory from those days. Whenever I pass Elephant and Castle on the Thameslink I am reminded of the Reed in Partnership thing that I went to.

My big revelation was this: despite how shit the uni days were. It was the post-uni days that really and truly haunt me. They haunt me so much that I try to repress those memories. THere's so much shame in being unemployed. The work that I do is so close to unemployment but it is like living on a life support. However since working at the Sentinel and having 2 part time zero-hours jobs I have a little bit more to bounce on financially, but still a long ways to go.

I have no time or energy to focus on the past right now. I have so much to do and there's so much at stake. I'm worried about crashing and not coming out of it. I'm pushing my body and my mind so much that I needed to adjust myslef lately. I'm sort of managing day by day. I realise that some days I need to stop and take a rest when I know that I can.

My diet has changed lately. I have a bad reaction to dairy and I am not so keen on food now. I am starting to like different foods (i.e. foods that upset me less). I don't know what's going on with my body. That plus all of the grey hairs popping up. And my brother reminding me constatnyl that I'm going to go as bald as him one day.

No comments: