Sunday, November 23, 2014

Dear Diary, - no wait i will do that

Dear Diary,

Since about 10pm on Friday my brain has been on 'downtime' mode. Which is sort of okay. Considering that I just spent the past few days and arguably weeks preparing for the interview from hell, I just want to move on to the next step of life and survival.

I feel that the medium of writing the blog is slowly arcane and maybe obsolete. I have a twitter friend (I say 'friend' and mean 'person who I discovered on OkCupid, chatted to in a sorta datey way then ended up finding her in another online world where my real life non dating profile self quite admires this person and she is no longer a person that I should consider in a datey context because she's now an activist type hero to me and she's on a pedestal'), who expresses herself through twitter.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned and I prefer my stream of consciousness rants to not have a 140 character limit. That I prefer my self expression to have a pop up window from the start menu and I can just press 'publish'. My RSI means I'm not good at phone typing anyway.

I had that big interview with the civil service. I think I might talk about other aspects of my life. I often am quite insular and individualistic with this blog. Perhaps the medium of blogging is conducive to it.

At the interview I discovered something about myself. I discovered that if the right job allowed it, I can really find a sense of purpose, self worth, and political awareness. As a disabled person, having a sense of agency is a very important to me. I also felt for a brief moment that I could have a possible job that I really cared about and expressed how I could care about the world.

I used to be a more caring person, I guess things hurt me in a way that made me recitent to being caring. Sometimes I might see someone who is radically open and I'll be radically open in return. One time in New Years (last year I think), I met a girl who my mate knew as a sister of a person we mutually knew from school and she talked about her bulimia. I was so taken by that that I talked about my bulimia too.

I sorta had a trigger earlier. I saw a film (through my media contacts I'm not allowed to say what it was as its embargoed) and it made me feel a trigger as the topic of a teenaged girl's anorexia was mentioned.

I'm chatting to someone, a new online friend, who has herslef experienced mental health demons ('demons' being my new favoured term). When I chat to her on facebook it helps me get a sense of perspective on my own demons. I really appreciate her because I can just mention the things without explaining it in too much detail and she understands.

I've said this repeatedly in my self-narrative lately: november being the time of shitness is hard for me normally, or at least in the past. This month I was too busy to notice the memories, things like being in the hospital, the funerals and deaths and the darkness within. I can manage the darkness outside lately, as I am always looking at what's coming after.

This weekend I went to the gym in the morning, as is my ritual these days. I am experiencing some moderate breathing problems lately. It culminated in a lot of very embarrassing coughing at a restaurant and I have these 'mucus' issues involving suffication/coughing fits as a result of the new medication I take. In a very medical way I am a little bit more unwell than I used to be. I'm trying not to let it affect my everyday life. Avoid dairy might be a good bit of advice.

I had a few long sleeping sessions this weekend, I also played on my computer a bit, actual games, I made time for it. I also watched a bit of TV - I really like comedies and anything relating to Marvel Comics. I also read a lot of comics too this weekend (Marvel of course). I set a long list of things to do this weekend. I'm slowly doing them. I've done my weekly review. I even made a big fat sunday meal for myself today. It had lots of veggies in it.

For some reason I don't want to publish this post yet. I feel like I have more to say. I feel like there's something inside me that I need to say. Something about this zeitgeist that I can preserve for the ages.

Maybe it is to say: despite all the shit stuff in my life...I have some reason to go on and things to get done. Perhaps that's what I wanted to say.

I better get on with it, before it is sleepy time. I have an interview with a certain major British institution next Tuesday. I have to get up early to attend the interview on Tuesday. I don't think it will involve as much prep as the interview for Civil Service.


Thanks for reading, whether it's some internet random, or me in a few years time.

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