Things I did on Friday

• Attempted to download some programs to set up my new beloved computer. That computer is like a lover to me. An objectified lover who I see as a thing for my pleasure. A sexy i7 thing
• I was contacted about covering for 2 weeks at the Sentinel for a senior figure. Turns out...I wasn't needed. I could have gotten £660 for that. That's a life changing amount of money which merely depended on the response from an email. I'm kinda down about that
• I emailed one of my correspondences. I may not have said this on the blog: I have a few email correspondences whom I enjoy having conversations with through email, like we are 1970s researchers who are pioneering the internet 
• Feedly catchup
• Feedly starred items catchup
• More installing of programmes - but actually games
• Watching a lot of netflix
• Receipt processing -- about 5 months worth
• Received a free DVD of an italian film called 'I CLown'
• Retrieved missing dropbox files: I almost lost 5 years worth of personal (and irreplaceable) files. Fucking cloud computing is scary
• I actually was t work today
• Rest day from the gym (after 3 classes yesterday)
• COntinuing with my spirometer readings - will sort out a GP appt over the next few days.
• (I was managing with being upset today)

I consider these activities to be a 'lot' 13 items in fact.

I am kinda proud of myself that I spent so much of my day being active. Reading 100 blog articles was a bit difficult.

I've got a few demons haunting me lately, but...I think I'm fighting. I think I'm fighting the fight. 

When I was in sixth form there was a version of me who thought that if I worked really really hard at something I could succeed with flying colours. Then, a lot of failure happened.

I'm trying to make a life out of the shitness that I have around me. I'm really glad that my childhood and teens weren't so fucked up. I mean, I did have a paedo teacher, lived around a substance abuser and there are *those family issues not to talk about on the blog*. 

I have a lot of anger inside me. A lot of old issues, old hurts. In the mess of memories that forms my mind, I wonder if there's something positive, something optimistic, something that can give me hope. I really wish I could be all I could be. That kind of thought upsets me right now. Because I know I'm not all I can be. The thought that I could be more...has been destructive to me. 

But so tempting.

All of my frustrations...my failuresin life. It only makes sense when I'm pushing my body in the gym.

Got some fucking classes in the morning. Maybe I can save my soul through 2 hours of punishment.