Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Today a young guy came by the door talking about the RNIB or something. It was one of those charity sales pitchers and he had so much charisma and doing high fives and mentioning family guy and other youthful cultural references. His sales pitch for charitable donations were so aggressive that I felt a bit of panic.

I felt uncomfortable and like I was facing some facet of reality that I have been shielded from or that I cannot bear to face.

It reminds me of a flashback:

I'm starting second year. I am meeting my sociology tutor for the first time. I am going to have the talk. The one that starts: I have severe depression. As I'm in the queue for his attention this guy is also a law lecturer and there's an older guy in his mid-late 20s saying how he's doing a conversion degree and talking about his sister's 40th birthday. I was thinking how this guy's life has advanced in so many experiences that I couldn't bear to face the day in which I am in that position myself with a sister who is 40 and having kids. The whole situation is insufferable and I ...I struggle just to wait.

My life at the time was horrible. It was a panic attack to just get out of bed. You  couldn't imagine the agony. I felt that this was adulthood and it would never end or change.

In a way I was wrong about that. In another way. I wasn't wrong. THat agony is still there, the unbearableness of the mundane reality of life.

I just got more used to it. Beer helps, coffee helps, wanking helps. Junk food helps. I'm trying to cut back on all of those (except wanking ...although I should probably reduce that too).

I want to just lay in bed and escape my life.But I also realise that won't help anything or anyone.

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