Saturday, September 20, 2014

Things I would have changed in my life:


  • I would have focussed more on my masters from the beginning and not on running the online depression support group and Marie's constant texts telling me she's self harming
  • Don't tell the people in the crissis intervention team that I was going to kill myself. The following things would have happened:
    • I would have went to the assistance workshop on making postgraduate applications in Sociology
    • I would have went to my sister's 30th birthday party in london on that weekend 
    • I would have met up with that cute french girl in the sociology seminar and we would do our book review together on Super-Cannes, which I happened to only finally read this year
  • I would have attempted to apply to Cambridge and Oxford because I definitely had the grades, the talent and the ability to go. Just, nobody said it was for me or that I could or should go

  • I would have stayed in Wales with Antonia and moved in with her (and her daughter)as her live-in lover, even though I was currently unemployed at the time. Maybe we could have had a try at being a happy family and me being a stepdad
  • Maybe this year choosing to go to the interview at RAND corporation instead of the whitehall department (that I didn't get the job for )
  • I wish I joined the Catholic society at university...I wonder how I'd have ended up if that happened. I could have been part of their community, went to mass, maybe I'd be happy as a Catholic Christian and had a nice catholic girlfriend or became a priest and did a Philosophy PhD through vatican money
Just curious
  • What if I knew I wasn't going to do a PhD after my masters and left the bristol flat and moved back home in 2008?
  • What if I never decided to meet Antonia and stayed a virgin at 21?  Maybe I'd still be a virgin now. But maybe that would be at the cost of having a good stable government job and even though i'd hate myself I would still be earning over 25k with a good pension
  • What if I did actually kill myself? My life wouldn't be shit now, because I woulnd't have a life. I'd exist as the perfect memory of who I once was. And probably destroy my family as a result. It might have affected my sister having her baby, getting married and my niece and nephew being born in the way they are now. Still, call me selfish. I do kind of really wish if I was dead back then, none of this this shit and disappointment and despair would exist in my life. Better to die as someone 'with so much potential', than live as someone constantly trying with mixed results.
I just want to be a better me.

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