Friday, September 26, 2014

Things I did on Thursday

  • Job Searching
  • audiobook catchup
  • attemmpt to continue installing into new laptop
  • CXWorks gym class (1/3)
  • Body Combat (2/3)
  • Body Attack (3/3)
  • Examined course options
  • Received October shifts and updated pay matrix
  • Feeling low
  • A friend joined in body attack class
  • Sent job application (public affairs researcher)

So, all in all, that's 11 things I got up to.

I felt a bit low today. I had some triggers about the interview that I had earlier this week. In addition I'm tempering that with a sense of hope and optimism about having a new outlet to relieve myself and my woes of the world through gaming. On Wednesday I was playing minecraft for the first time in a couple of years and I loved it. I was spending the night in a wilderness hoping those green guys didn't poke me.

Around 4pm I felt that I did everything that I could today and couldn't be bothered to do any more tasks. So what I ended up doing was deciding to go straight to the gym and do 3 classes end to end.

There's a girl that I kinda fancy and she was wearing a different top today. I normally am in the front of the room in the class but I wasn't in a 'front' mood (Goffmanesque reference there). Her body looked different to me. I am having body demons lately and perhaps its affecting how I see other people as well? I was thinking to myself: gosh I consider that woman to be fitter than me but look at her. I bet she doesn't train as much as I do. Maybe if she does she has a diet that reflects that body...

I shouldn't perve so much at the gym, although its more specific people than a general perversion.

I think I might write an email and then go to bed. I've got work tomorrow. I don't have many work days this month. I'm scraping by with 1 day a week. At Shambly arena they changed the policy about cancelling your availability for shifts, apparently if you do it too much you might not get asked to do any more shifts (i.e. fired). I really can't afford to lose this job, especially since The Sentinel hasn't really been offering any work to me lately. 

I kinda miss those times when I was asked to work a day and I'd just jump and say YES. Or even the times when I'd say I can't do a cover shift because I'm already working somewhere else. 

Fuck me. FUck me fuck me. 

You know, it's not all that bad. I've been super productive today and I have been within my calories (just about) and I had a really really intsense workout. 

I've lived through hell during my uni days. And I lived through such hellish times I push myself really hard to try and replicate what I went through because, I suppose that...I suppose that I don't forgive myself for being so ill. I feel like I have to make up for it.

I have to make up for lost years, lost lives. My neighbour across the road (the one who died, so former neighbour) stayed in his room all the time and had an alcohol problem, yes he did a mastters and graduated from uni, but he died at the age of 33 with very little to show for it. I worry that I'll be him. Especailly because, as a child I looked up to him. I thought he was cool being an older male and the limited presence of role models.

When I write these blog posts lately I am a lot more emotionally articulate. I think it is the onset of the 'dark months'. I'm probably doing alright, but, I need to keep fighting. DO you remember those times when you couldn't even think about next week? I mascochistically, desperately want to be in that dark place again.

I wish I could be the noble warrior who would fight evil and injustice with the moral character of perfection and be a representation of moral goodness. The Plato saying of 'The Good man cannot be harmed' comes to mind. I don't have any narratives in my life at the moment, so my eating disorder is kind of a lack of alternatives. My food demons are very, very present. In the lack of control of everything else in my life. I can control what I put in my mouth. And get tempted by the finger

Anyway, better do one of my correspondence emails. 

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