Monday, September 29, 2014

Life's easier in a way with voices in your head. Easier but not better.

I woke up today feeling horrid. I was remembering stuff from the uni days. Who I used to be, the potential I felt I squandered and remembering how everything didn't go my way and failed miserably as I had depression and anxiety issues.

I will never forgive myself for what happened. I know people say that I am not my anxiety or depression, and later on, I was not my eating disorder.

I can't accept that. It impared me in a way that really affected my life chances and who I am now. THe heaviness of the past really upsets me. It weighs down who i am now.

I woke up thinking about some people from the philsoc at uni. It upset me as I woke up. I thought about Hannah who has nothing to do with those days. Hannah doesn't know who I used to be, and to some extent, the person she knows me now as isn't too related to those days and has nothing to do with her. Sometimes people get to know me and know me from a different era of my life...which colours how they know me.

I feel immense guilt for the fact that many people I do know, knew me from that dark period and I feel immense shame about that period of my life.

I really don't want to get out of bed today. But I did. I really feel like I don't have much to get up for. That interview last week didn't go he way I wanted, I'm scheduled to apply for a job I know that I won't get, and ...I just wish I could make something decent of my life.

I know I'm able. I know I can do this. I just need a chance.I need to fight on today.

I hate feeling this way. On reflection, perhaps this is the challenge I asked for. Stupid me, I wanted to face those demons to see if I could defeat it. I didn't realise it would be this hard.

At some point today I will brush my teeth and maybe shave.

I should eat properly too.

For now, will do job application.

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