Dear Diary,

Sometimes, I see my life as a set of problems that need resolving.

I guess everyone has things that need some form of resolution, those things that bar our contentness or sense of achievement or even our sense of self.

I got upset today. I had a trigger walking home.

One of the qeustions in the interview was: why do you want to work in admin?

I paused.

The real answer is:

I WANT TO DO A FUCKING PHD BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING AND IT IS MOSTLY MY FAULT FOR PURGING ALL THE TIME DURING MY FUCKING MASTERS. I HATE WHAT I AM AND EVERYTHING THAT I AM NOW IS THE SCOURGE OF WHAT I USED TO BE. I LIVE AN INAUTHENTIC LIFE OF FAILURE AND I AM IRREVERSIBLY TAINTED BY EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD

Instead I answered with a pause, A good answer might have been:

I'd like to do this job and I'd be happy being in this job for the next few years.

Perhaps I could have said with gritted teeth:

I would like to work as an admin manager in a few years

My actual answer was something like. I want to do a PhD part time and this job will fund it. 

I got upset because.

There's that whole process, starting with that all caps lock screaming in my head.

I have cried a couple of times in hte past few days. It's a gentle cry. The kind of cry that when I'm on my own reflecting on things, saying home truths to myself.

I'm having food issues lately. I ate too much today and yesterday. Yesterday I was over calories by 300kcal. Today I'm over by 1000 or so. I am unable to account for the full activities of my day (working consisted of standing and walking around) calorically I can't get everything 100% but I'm working with rough estimates. Rough estimates: I'm over 1000 kcal.

I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody better. I want to live a better life. I need to be someone different when I look in front of that mirror.

I'm so tempted with purging these days. I absolutely cannot do it.

Instead I've got this caloric control thing going on. I weighed myself this week to compare with last week. Not only have I gained 3lbs but I am my highest weight on record. I miss the days when I was 178 or 166lbs. Even if I felt unhappy, I could just purge and feel a temporary sense of relief and escape from the world. I remember the times when I would purge and stay in my room for as long as I could. I remember when I would purge multiple times in a row and there was a bit of blood in the vomit.

I'm going to be so upset when I get a response about the job this week. When I am told that I didn't get a place on the interview.

I might set up my schedule for thursday. Perhaps that will help me focus on the present, focus on better things.

The thing is. I don't think I can escape those 'unanswered questions' that mia has. Certain unanswered questions (following Charles Ives's 'whither music?') haunt me. And I'd like to think its a universal concern.