Wednesday, October 15, 2014

There are moments when I feel that I am either living a delusion of grandeur or having absolute introspective clarity.

I've read about 100 blog posts/journal articles/tumblr kitty posts in the space of...2.5 hours or so and (not finished) I feel like I am staring into my soul and I see some unrealised self.

Does everyone want to be more than they are?

I sometimes want to do a PhD, I sometimes want to be a Philosophy lecturer. I think it would be boring and limiting. I'd be limited by the shitty funding and the oppressive state of higher education today. I kind of dream of having a position like Nietzsche where they let me do what I want for a brief moment of genius before I lose my shit. Or be an illusive Rector like Kant and do the boring admin stuff but actually really have the freedom to be a big-shot academic writing treatises that only pillow fuckers in the 2010s understand (now THAT is a delusion of grandeur).

When I used to purge, Mia would say to are so close darling (slightly trying to explain something completely internal in a way a normal person might understand, so a metaphor of a woman talking to me fits best), you just need to keep purging...keep trying to achieve that weight and you'll be there.

That feeling of yearning, striving, I miss. I remember when I was doing my 'A' levels and I'd stay at home at my computer up late until about 2-3am doing work and I'd stop only because I felt exhausted. I pushed myself so hard and I miss that person I used to be.

I also believe (my standard narrative) that it was that kind of behaviour that caused me to have a breakdown which led to severe depression.

I miss working hard. I miss how when I was 16-17 I worked really hard at night studying with the belief that I'd get a UCAS offer to Kings College or Marjon or York or Bristol University. I remember having that feeling...belief...of aspiration. I'd aspire to be more, get adegree, get a job like my sister, fall in love and do the whole marriage/babies/get a house thing.

10-12 years on and I'm still 16 years old. I'm applying to jobs that 21-24 year olds are applying to, and that I'm not fucking getting. Sometimes I get invited to do an adult job but I still don't get it because someone older than me is massively overqualified.

Life is simple when all I can express of these difficult thoughts and feelings, is simplified into putting two fingers down my throat.

I'm so tempted right now. SO many feelings, my hopelessness, my hope, my sense of striving to self realisation, and the vivid way that I remember things from a past no longer relevant to my present.

I'm going to stop writing this post and get on with my blog reading.

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