Sunday, October 12, 2014

Dear diary,

I've been fully into the things I've done lately, which means being tired a lot.

I woke up, did two classes at the gym. Intended to do just one. THe second one really killed. I can't get out of my chair without severe pain. I think I need to take time out of the gym...AGAIN.

In other news, I have a busy few days ahead. Even though I'm not working so much over this month (currently) I an continuing with it all. I find it suspicious how I haven't gotten feedback from my interview that I didn't get through on. My brain's thinking the worst.

I had an epiphany a couple of nights ago, it goes something like this:

A particular theme of the things that get me down are that they fall under two kinds of thoughts, dwelling on the past and dwelling on the unknown future.

When Dwelling on the Past the world that I think about is ultimately a closed one, because all the stuff its about already happened. Even though that world was shit, it is something I am familiar with and re-live with a modicum of comfort, because it's familiar

What's harder to think about is the present, and the world of now. I should choose to focus on the world of now and less on the past, acknowledge that I feel those things about the past, and then just get on with stuff. I feel like I'm without the things that make me, me. I've felt that way before and the way I managed was to just...get by and take on a new identity and new things, new habits. I suppose I could very well do the same thing again. Rise from the ashes.

The world of now is not introspective, it requires action and things that are very real. The world of my memories is closed and I can always go back there. I can't go back to things as they are now, for better and for worse. Got to focus on the present.

I might go to bed in a moment. I keep going to bed late lately.


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