Sunday, October 31, 2010

Aenedae Magnanimity

[intended to post 4 hours ago]

Good Afternoon.

I have come back this afternoon from meeting up with Antonia and her daughter. Antonia's daughter has grown up quite a bit and she looks adorable. Antonia was trying to get inside my head but I did not let her. I think I can have the minor satisfaction that her control techniques failed. But it does remind me that I am alone, and for all her teasing and taunting, there is the hope and promise I find of being close to her and letting her in my head again.

In a parallel story, I feel control when I control what I (don't) eat. These past few days I have resisted food, or rather; eaten with a limited diet. I am 224lbs today (even before I had a poop, and my 2nd wee). This is a good sign; although I do feel it is too good to be true. I have already achieved my weight target for the next week's goal; and I reset next week's goal to 224, now that I've reached it; does that mean I'll have to set next week's goal at 223? Don't get me wrong, I do like that I've lost weight, but I know from experience that losing too much weight means I'll gain it just as quickly. On the other hand, after seeing Antonia today, the feelings I felt; the uncomfortable reality that she was once the love of my life and that I lost her; gives me pain. I feel like giving into mia (or whatever I might call this 'not eating' habit) gives me power.

Giving into this destruction, gives me the validation I seek. Giving into the destrcution gives me the strength to face what I am scared of facing. Antonia asked about my PhD applications, she knew that it was a sensitive topic (especially since I got rejected from Ghent). I hate how she's trying to get into my head. I hate that I gave so much of myself to her. I don't want to give away anything emotionally. Giving too much away means they understand you, and that gives them power over me. Real autonomy comes from deception. Lying with your face,machiavellian control over yourself in order to control overs. Master one's own body, one's heart.

Right now my heart feels like its pumping on overdrive. When I look at her face I feel a loss of interest in all females and anyone for romantic intimacy. Perhaps this feeling is some kind of disappointment, some kind of burrowing inside myself. Perhaps a loss of interest is a sign of depression. Does it depress me to see her again? I feel a little down. I'm not sure how I feel. It pains me to realise that she was one of my great regrets in life; that I didn't stay with her and live with her.

I want to purge right now. More than anything. Mia's validation seems to be the only accessible form of success. When I was 18 I thought about great characters of literature, in particular, Aeneas. I thought of Aeneas as the great hero. What would Aeneas do to cope with such emotional turmoil? Well, Aeneas would cry a lot and curse the Gods. Hmm, perhaps that's not a good archetype. Maybe Aeneas after he sees his father in the underworld, and knowing his destiny. When Aeneas came to know his greatness, he had closure over the loss of Pergamum; over leaving Dido (parallels particularly apt here) and gave up his past to accept and embrace a new, but difficult future. Perhaps I can be a little more like that Aeneas. I need to let go of the past. My ex kept trying to make me compliment her but I was having none of that; she then said something to the effect of: 'If you aren't interested in what I'm wearing then it suggests that you are not interested in me as a person anymore'. That really captured how she tries to get to me. I loved her.

Now I need to get on with what pitiful life I have in the rubble of my own undoing. I'm still trying to rebuild things. Trying to get out of unemployment; trying to earn a living. Perhaps the realisation I'm avoiding is the futility of life itself. I am crying a little bit at the moment. Meeting her has upset me, as it has also reminded me of my failures not relating to her. I'm trying to build my life and in doing so I've had to get over feeling depressed (what I'm feeling now), and get over my issues of motivation; which is a constant battle. I've been really good for the past 2-3 weeks with my schedule. It's only been these past 4 days that I've had to put things off, and that's because of 1. Tutoring on Thursday, 2. Feelign tired on Friday. and 3. Unexpected online tutoring on Friday. I allowed myself a day off yesterday, but I cannot justify it with good works as I can for Thursday and Friday.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of today. I feel like crying and hiding away. I don't think that's the best idea. My head feels tired, as does my chest. I am also a bit teary. Perhaps I'll carry on with my pointless futile (life) schedule. My schedule consists of looking for jobs and applying to them, and if I do that constantly, I'll get an interview once a month. What kind of fucked up life is that. It's my life and I can't trade in. I must make do with what I have. Perhaps if I exploited a bit of heroism within myself, I might survive this difficult patch that is today. Be a Hero, man; and you'll pull through.

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