Sunday, October 24, 2010

Positive (with a scratchy face)

Good evening.

I know this perhaps sounds a bit weird, and possibly regressive; but I realised hthat I haven't left the house in 5 days until today. I went out this morning to do a jog/train. I realised the different environment of the cold outdoors; cars were distinctly wet, some were frosty and there was a bit of sleet on the pavements. This contrasted much to tuesday. How much changes in a week...

Speaking of changes, lets speak of positives. I've lost anough lb. Mum's made a roast today, so I may regain it tomorrow. I have also jogged, and I worked on my arms. I was quite cold so My motivation was a little low on the track. I did, however, make 3 miles in my jog, and I did do a bit more than usual on my arms. Motivation is something I fight with constantly. I hope to can keep up this pace. I've also realised that over the past 7 days; I've sent off 12 applications. Compared to my last count of 10 last week, I see that as progress. I feel like it's progress. I've got a whole week full of applications, and the more I apply to jobs; the more I end up chilling out in the evening watching videos. My overall productivity has improved.

Let's talk about hope and prospects. I've recieved my basic disclosure form. This means that I can soon start work. Come tomorrow I'll contact HR and begin to roll the ball. I'm already contemplating all the fun things I'll purchase. I hope one day I'll earn enough money to rent out a flat or a room somewhere, and I can start living independently. Here's to hoping anyway. I want to leave the nest. Have a life of my own, you know; things that people my age are supposed to do. I knew of a girl who left school after GCSE's and now she lives with two kids on her own on benefits (from different dads, might I add) and she just dotes about meeting random boys and pretending to be intellectual and authentic. Oh have I mentioned? She's morbidly obese. Fuck. Sometimes life can be good (living on your own, independence), but then it can be totally shit, from your own doing (obese, two kids, no qualifications, living off the government completely).

I want to start giving back; pay taxes, even though they are higher than normal. I want to put something back into the world; even if they haven't given much to me. I suppose compared to that fat fuck of a harlot; my life isn't too bad. In other ways, it ain't so great either. She gets laid more than me, even though I'm objectively more attractive than her. Maybe white girls are a desired commodity. Asian guys with masters degrees in arts subjects are not. I'm a niche market.

Over the past few days; I've also grown a semi-beard. I have a one beard a year quota that I'm trying to fulfill, another 'fear' I have is that having a beard will go against looking presentable in my new job. Well I probably won't start at least for another week. I want to just grow it out so my sideburns are even, then I'll do a goatee. The great thing about being a man is that you can change your look and grow a beard. Maybe its' symbolic or something. It scratches my face a little bit. I had to put E45 cream on my face to ease the pain.

I've recently got a new phrase: the more I do, the more I have to do. I'm glad that I've kept upright and active these few weeks. It also sucks that my balance is decimated by counselling, paying for dental fees from 6 months ago (the fucking vipers want me to book another appt too!), buying a basic disclosure certificate and another week of counselling. I feel weird about talking about myself to this lady counsellor. I hope I'll get over it. My first counsellor was female, I think of her fondly; she looked like a mental patient (in an endearing way); she had pigtails for a mid 40-something; I could smell her vagina (which means she didn't wear perfume - don't ask how i know that - I have a hound's nose); and she wore these big schoolgirl thigh high socks. If she weren't really old, she'd be like some schoolgirl fantasy. I remember when she left the counselling service; she wrote me a card. I kept it to this day. It's in my memory box, somewhere.

It's halloween next week, I've got a thing with a friend that we try to do every hallow's eve. In addition, I'm probably meeting my ex; interning; counselling (aforementioned) and perhaps I might even go socially out as well. I'm currently negotiating with a mature student who may be interested in tutoring. For me, it will be a charge of a two hour session every week of £16x2=£32. Hmmm, I think I'm going to take her up.

My motivational tendencies have shifted a bit lately as well. If I take a couple of breaks and slow pauses during the morning/afternoon, I can be active even after 5pm/6pm on my schedule and fill out further tasks. I think this is a good sign. My mood is good, my will is strong. Lets hope this leads to something good.

Things I need to do:

  • Applications
  • Weight loss
  • Start job
  • Earn money
  • Save Money
  • Counselling
  • Keep positive
So, now I'm going to end this post, because I keept fazing out in writing this blog; so that means I should do something else.

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