Friday, October 22, 2010

active mind

Good evening.

It's a late 9pm when I am posting. I've applied to two grad schemes today, and did a lot of job searching and other minor GCal tasks. Perhaps it might be said that my mind kept slightly more active today; or perhaps better put, I kept busy with minor procrastination tasks, and then I did a little bit of searching, and then a lot of job searching. I've committed not only today's tasks but some excess of those tasks over the next few days. However It should be worth noting that I also scheduled a lot of applications for this month and november. I'm going to start applying to graduate schemes again. Lets' see my luck this time...

I watched a bit of TV, I also ate a reasonable amount. My time today passed by quickly but I did spend a lot of time. If I were to be the counsellor of my conscience; I'd admit that what I did was 'a lot'. But it's not enough. When will  it be enough? It will be enough when I get results. It will be enough when I start making gains. I perhaps did more today on account of the fact that I didn't train today. Perhaps I'll allow myself some training time tomorrow.

When I look at my dad, I see a failed person. My dad is so lazy, i mean, he does his job and he does a good job. But there is the emotional labour of being a dad, a husband and a grandfather that he is utterly shit at. My dad reflects all of the flaws I most deeply fear not only that I might have, but he reflects the flaws that I do have. I must be better, for myself I must improve.

There are moments of despair when I jog. Moments when I am out of breath or I feel like I've simply run out of steam. Moments such as those are terrible, destructive. I feel constantly like I am underachieving in life. I wish real life had an equivalent of reading more to improve yourself. I wish reading and the skills I've attained through my attempt at bettering myself had a real impact on my successes as a person. I feel like a failure for the fact that I am trying to impove myself and my situation, and it seems to lead to nothing.

I hate the bitterness and embarrassing shame hidden over pretend foolishness that my dad has. In all of my memory, my dad has never talked to my sister. There's some underlying issue that happened in the family when I was a toddler that I don't know about. Every time I bring it up my mum, or someone else treats me like I've committed some transgression. I hate what this family tension has done to us. It has torn the family in half in trying to pretend it doesn't happen. My dad is so complacent about it he shows no virtue in this issue.

Sometimes you can talk about the external world so much that you forget about your own development. Sometimes you focus on your own development too that you become too self-involved. The world seems so complicated right now. I'm constantly trying to learn about the world and learn and improve myself by means of checking out blogs and listening to podcasts and listening to music. I also enjoy leisurely pursuits too.

I feel like an inadequate outcast. I feel isolated from my peers and from society at large. Some days I wake up and I don't feel like myself. Really, I don't know who 'I' am anymore; who is the subjective agent of experience? What are his traits? Sometimes I feel what I have described in previous posts as the stupour. Perhaps the stupour is weather related. It often tends to be in cold weather when I feel disoriented and almost detached from my physical body.

I also notice that while I try to express myself, I also find there is only a certain amount I can say until I love my lucidity. Thus I end this post.

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