I was conscious and awake from about 8am. I was listening to podcasts playing all night (again). I read Oedipus at Colonus by Sophocles yesterday, I listened to two podcasts about presoctratic philosophers this morning, and I started on Sam Harris' latest book on Science and Morality. While laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, I could always feel strong disagreement for it.
I hate the audacity of people who have novel although amateur approaches and speak as if they were the first ones to think of something. I dislike people who have a disregard for history, and the intricacies of theoretical developments.
Let's talk about the morning. I feel groggy, I also feel a strange sensation just around my waist. If I had lady parts I'd feel like my pussy organs were hurting. I don't know what organs are down there but they feel sore. I think it's my large intestine; or it could just be my groin related muscles that are straining me (why they would be strained is beyond me). I masturbated a bit much yesterday, but I did perform a task that was necessary. It was necessary to perform the folder-scan.
Coming up this week: a shitload of job applications, trying not to lose all my money and most notably: counselling tomorrow. I think I quite look forward to it. The thing that feels weird lately is that sometimes when I think about the upcoming appointment to see a 'professional'; I think to myself 'I don't have a problem'. I feel this sense of denialabout it. On the other hand I also feel that they have this power to make it all better. Just the hope forms the basis of that little belief. Little niggling things upset me. I try not to let it rise to the surface. I wish I didn't eat so much yesterday. In fact I only ate twice. I am not 226lbs. Going down to 220lbs seems impossible. I've been trying for months now. My genes and my dispositions are my enemy. I want to be thin. CAN'T YOU LET ME BE FUCKING THIN!!
I hate when things let me down; like my parents low intelligence. I hate when they make it seem like I'm being cruel because I take an effort to learn. What is the use of x? they would always ask. It's a self-limiting feature of their minds. Then again, I seem not to have made much out of my life. The story of my life is the failure of intellectual outlook; the failure of intellectualism (being well read).
It would be too ambitious to expect my basic disclosure certificate to come into the mail. It would be desirable however. I went halfway through October trying not to remember 'the memories', however, I feel that with the spectre of summer long behind us; it is slowly taking over.
I remember when I started writing this blog I felt like it was a way to express all those things in my head that I didn't have the confidence to tell anyone else. It still very much has this function for me. However I think that I want someone to talk back. I should say that this week is especially busy. I seem to have set myself a lot of research on graduate schemes. Last week I applied to 10 jobs in a space of 7 days. I'd say that, considering some days last week were filled with no applications at all (like yesterday's scanning and intern day); that's a pretty good sign. I think it is positive that I am applying to more jobs this last week than previous weeks. Yet I still feel a sense of dissatisfaction. I have much to do when I get back from the JCP, and I have a sinking feeling that it won't all be done. I also hope that I avoid the evil of food.
I've determined from my bank records (just now checked) that the dental payment and basic disclosure are not sorted out. Anyway, I better go. Laters.
I hate the audacity of people who have novel although amateur approaches and speak as if they were the first ones to think of something. I dislike people who have a disregard for history, and the intricacies of theoretical developments.
Let's talk about the morning. I feel groggy, I also feel a strange sensation just around my waist. If I had lady parts I'd feel like my pussy organs were hurting. I don't know what organs are down there but they feel sore. I think it's my large intestine; or it could just be my groin related muscles that are straining me (why they would be strained is beyond me). I masturbated a bit much yesterday, but I did perform a task that was necessary. It was necessary to perform the folder-scan.
Coming up this week: a shitload of job applications, trying not to lose all my money and most notably: counselling tomorrow. I think I quite look forward to it. The thing that feels weird lately is that sometimes when I think about the upcoming appointment to see a 'professional'; I think to myself 'I don't have a problem'. I feel this sense of denialabout it. On the other hand I also feel that they have this power to make it all better. Just the hope forms the basis of that little belief. Little niggling things upset me. I try not to let it rise to the surface. I wish I didn't eat so much yesterday. In fact I only ate twice. I am not 226lbs. Going down to 220lbs seems impossible. I've been trying for months now. My genes and my dispositions are my enemy. I want to be thin. CAN'T YOU LET ME BE FUCKING THIN!!
I hate when things let me down; like my parents low intelligence. I hate when they make it seem like I'm being cruel because I take an effort to learn. What is the use of x? they would always ask. It's a self-limiting feature of their minds. Then again, I seem not to have made much out of my life. The story of my life is the failure of intellectual outlook; the failure of intellectualism (being well read).
It would be too ambitious to expect my basic disclosure certificate to come into the mail. It would be desirable however. I went halfway through October trying not to remember 'the memories', however, I feel that with the spectre of summer long behind us; it is slowly taking over.
I remember when I started writing this blog I felt like it was a way to express all those things in my head that I didn't have the confidence to tell anyone else. It still very much has this function for me. However I think that I want someone to talk back. I should say that this week is especially busy. I seem to have set myself a lot of research on graduate schemes. Last week I applied to 10 jobs in a space of 7 days. I'd say that, considering some days last week were filled with no applications at all (like yesterday's scanning and intern day); that's a pretty good sign. I think it is positive that I am applying to more jobs this last week than previous weeks. Yet I still feel a sense of dissatisfaction. I have much to do when I get back from the JCP, and I have a sinking feeling that it won't all be done. I also hope that I avoid the evil of food.
I've determined from my bank records (just now checked) that the dental payment and basic disclosure are not sorted out. Anyway, I better go. Laters.
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