Thursday, October 21, 2010

Why do I feel permanently slow witted?

Dear me,

This morning I woke up late, but I have deservedly kept quite occupied this week. I may consider going for a jog this afternoon, or perhaps I'll stay in my room. Unique about today is that I am not interning today. I *should* do some work, but then again I'm not being paid by them. My boss is nice, and cute; she reminds me of an awkward girl I knew from uni. She may well be that same person (she isn't, different name); she probably did the same course as her, probably did all the charity stuff that she did and she was probably editor of the news show on the university radio station and a member of the Christian Union just like her. Good on her. At least her life isn't shit.

I feel sometimes like I'm the old guy at the club, the guy who didn't do so well in life and he's in the same course, or cohort as people younger than him. I feel like I missed the boat, missed the train, missed the tube of metaphorical oppurtunity. I'm too lazy, that's my problem. Perhaps I should stop listening to Paradise Lost.

Lets talk about my day. Yesterday I went training, applied to two jobs, kept up with my schedule, and same old same old. I Lost a bit of weight between yesterday and today but not much; I hope I can go down to 226 soon. Perhaps that's a reason I should give to job. I masturbated, fell asleep and listened to some audiobooks. My life is dull, were it not for all my learning. I've lately adopted this state of mind where I feel entirely blasee and slow witted. I'm not a dumb person but I seem to play the absent-minded one pretty easily. Antonia and her daughter are visiting the city next week, I was texting her to arrange a meetup. It happens to be on the same day as halloween, which is going to make things difficult since I have plans. I'll have to do my halloween celebration with my mate on sunday afternoon, rush off to see the ex, then go home. I think I'll be sweaty. At least we are still talking...I still care about her.

So, lets talk about something else. I've got a potential tutee asking for my services. It's on a subject  I actually did at university, and its' a bit far away (in Surrey). Am I going to go to surrey for a journey that takes 1.25 hours from the office in north london for £15? Well, I spent 1.5hrs going to and from the office for even less than that (nothing). Having a tutorial wage could supplement my upcoming 'casual' job (presuming the forms and stuff are sorted) and, any money is money. I suppose I need to not be picky about work these days. Even though I'll earn a pittance.

So, I *guess* that's positive. Tutoring  'A' level subjects to a person who is going into a university system that will bugger them royally into debt with prospects of unemployment and depression. Maybe that's just me. Ugh. I hate my life. Maybe that's why I feel so slow witted. I'm not positive enough. If I had a date, or a girl interested in me, or a job, a proper job; I might feel better. For Now I must soldier on.

I know this might sound weird, but I think in some ways I have more drive and ambition with my present situation than someone who is comfortable. This memory, these memories of two years of limbo will haunt me, or push me. That's the choice I must ma.e How do I let the world affect me? As a power for motivation? or an anvil pushing my further down? I'm glad I ate spinach for breakfast. Shame about the pork. I hope mum's aubergine curry is still on the menu tonight.

Okay, lets get on.

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