I remember not long ago when it was a 6pm and the sun shone brightly. The seasons remind me of how fickle life is, and how quickly things pass by.
On my schedule, it told me that a date was coming up, the 24th October. I don't really remember what happened back then fully, but also I don't want to remember. For the past year, perhaps even longer; I have associated what the present date is with previous dates of that month and day of previous years.
I told myself this morning that 'I am starting to be different' now. I told myself that I was better inside myself. I told myself that I'm future oriented now and I am focussing on trying to make my life and future better. My mood changed between now and then.
Something triggered and upset me last night. It was just a seed but a seed of a thought that really pained me. I was on facebook the other night (always a source of pain) and I saw that one of my friends posted on the wall of another saying that they wanted to invite them for a celebration. They were celebrating that they were qualifying as a doctor. I am more or less the same age as these two conversing people and it made me think: what a wonderful achievement you've made in your life. It then reminded me of how shit my life is.
My cousin who is about my age (who apparently, a mate from school went out with) recently got married, I mentioned the wedding in previous posts. She's married with a child and living the life. What am I doing? I'm scanning paper documents so that I can get rid of the physical paper but still keep the records digitally. That's what I'm fucking doing with my life. I am scanning about 120 pages or so of junk memories in my life instead of making new ones and living them. The fucked up thing is, that scanning my folder actually counts as an active day.
This morning I woke up optimistic, and I even thought to myself that I'd go to scan my folder, and that would count as a productive day. Now I feel upset. I feel upset that this is how shit my life has become. All I do is work on a diary of empty tasks, a diary of job applications where I am overqualified but I STILL DON'T GET THE FUCKING JOBS.
I'm pissed off that I'm putting off my journal submission because I am afraid of failing, so I don't even get to it. I've become afraid of failure because of so many heart breaking failures. I'll tell you about heartbreaking memories. I have a paper folder of the past two years of memories reminding me that I have wasted the past two years of my life. I have a paper folder telling me that I applied to various postgraduate courses, MPhil's, PhD's, PCGE's and I didn't get into any of them. I had 5 letters from the British Museum letting me know the same thing: I didn't get the job. I am always getting those emails, those letters, and occaisionally, the call. I have to be a bitch and say to them: thank you for letting me know. I wish I could say FUCK YOU.
But I can't
Because I'm powerless. I'm socially powerless and my only financial prospect comes from a job that pays £7 an hour that I hope to start.
I pause after quickly typing the rant above. I pause and think to myself: I'm glad I'm able to get these thoughts out.
You see right now I want to purge. I want to purge and the reasons above are why. I wanted to write this post, pause from going straight to purging so that I can articulate my feelings. I feel there's no point in avoiding mia. Mia is the only power that I have.
I went on a pro mia website the other day, and it was written as if 'mia' was an external person. Mia can appear like an external person to me, but I also noticed that mia is a presence in other people too. It is very much similar to my mia, too. When I read the stuff on the pro mia sites, I felt their anger and desperation. I've eaten once today, perhaps I can fight off mia if I just eat salad. Scanning my folder today was an important task. It also took off a lot of my pre-scheduled activities to form a much busier week come monday. I've got lots of assignments: applications, exploring graduate schemes and also a 'research day'.
Perhaps I'll just say something a little positive today. Scanning those folders and putting the documents in the shredder felt a little symbolic. The past two years were filled with bad memories (not all bad, if I may nuance it up a little). Shredding those rejection letters felt symbolic of shedding the past away. Shedding the power that those memories have over me. I'm a very sentimental person sometimes, and it's oftten hard for me to get rid of things that draw me back to old memories.
I remember once I said on this blog, long ago: I said that there were totems that brought memories full back into the past. I used to wake up with no memories of the past when Mia took over. It would be welcome to move forward in my life. I've got a new job that I'll hopefully start soon; I've got counselling on tuesday, and a job centre appointment tomorrow to prepare for. Right now I feel like laying down and simply closing my eyes. On the other side of that coin, I also feel a deep sense of inadequacy. Perhaps I'll simply enjoy the next few minutes I have of being alone in the house.
Oh, perhaps I'll inject some humour today: while scanning I was watching 2 seasons of footballers' wives. I scanned through an episode every 5 minutes and now I'm halfway through season 3. Processing information goes quickly when you are with your cock out. That was a bizarre experiment. It adds to the old adege I have: think with your dick.
On my schedule, it told me that a date was coming up, the 24th October. I don't really remember what happened back then fully, but also I don't want to remember. For the past year, perhaps even longer; I have associated what the present date is with previous dates of that month and day of previous years.
I told myself this morning that 'I am starting to be different' now. I told myself that I was better inside myself. I told myself that I'm future oriented now and I am focussing on trying to make my life and future better. My mood changed between now and then.
Something triggered and upset me last night. It was just a seed but a seed of a thought that really pained me. I was on facebook the other night (always a source of pain) and I saw that one of my friends posted on the wall of another saying that they wanted to invite them for a celebration. They were celebrating that they were qualifying as a doctor. I am more or less the same age as these two conversing people and it made me think: what a wonderful achievement you've made in your life. It then reminded me of how shit my life is.
My cousin who is about my age (who apparently, a mate from school went out with) recently got married, I mentioned the wedding in previous posts. She's married with a child and living the life. What am I doing? I'm scanning paper documents so that I can get rid of the physical paper but still keep the records digitally. That's what I'm fucking doing with my life. I am scanning about 120 pages or so of junk memories in my life instead of making new ones and living them. The fucked up thing is, that scanning my folder actually counts as an active day.
This morning I woke up optimistic, and I even thought to myself that I'd go to scan my folder, and that would count as a productive day. Now I feel upset. I feel upset that this is how shit my life has become. All I do is work on a diary of empty tasks, a diary of job applications where I am overqualified but I STILL DON'T GET THE FUCKING JOBS.
I'm pissed off that I'm putting off my journal submission because I am afraid of failing, so I don't even get to it. I've become afraid of failure because of so many heart breaking failures. I'll tell you about heartbreaking memories. I have a paper folder of the past two years of memories reminding me that I have wasted the past two years of my life. I have a paper folder telling me that I applied to various postgraduate courses, MPhil's, PhD's, PCGE's and I didn't get into any of them. I had 5 letters from the British Museum letting me know the same thing: I didn't get the job. I am always getting those emails, those letters, and occaisionally, the call. I have to be a bitch and say to them: thank you for letting me know. I wish I could say FUCK YOU.
But I can't
Because I'm powerless. I'm socially powerless and my only financial prospect comes from a job that pays £7 an hour that I hope to start.
I pause after quickly typing the rant above. I pause and think to myself: I'm glad I'm able to get these thoughts out.
You see right now I want to purge. I want to purge and the reasons above are why. I wanted to write this post, pause from going straight to purging so that I can articulate my feelings. I feel there's no point in avoiding mia. Mia is the only power that I have.
I went on a pro mia website the other day, and it was written as if 'mia' was an external person. Mia can appear like an external person to me, but I also noticed that mia is a presence in other people too. It is very much similar to my mia, too. When I read the stuff on the pro mia sites, I felt their anger and desperation. I've eaten once today, perhaps I can fight off mia if I just eat salad. Scanning my folder today was an important task. It also took off a lot of my pre-scheduled activities to form a much busier week come monday. I've got lots of assignments: applications, exploring graduate schemes and also a 'research day'.
Perhaps I'll just say something a little positive today. Scanning those folders and putting the documents in the shredder felt a little symbolic. The past two years were filled with bad memories (not all bad, if I may nuance it up a little). Shredding those rejection letters felt symbolic of shedding the past away. Shedding the power that those memories have over me. I'm a very sentimental person sometimes, and it's oftten hard for me to get rid of things that draw me back to old memories.
I remember once I said on this blog, long ago: I said that there were totems that brought memories full back into the past. I used to wake up with no memories of the past when Mia took over. It would be welcome to move forward in my life. I've got a new job that I'll hopefully start soon; I've got counselling on tuesday, and a job centre appointment tomorrow to prepare for. Right now I feel like laying down and simply closing my eyes. On the other side of that coin, I also feel a deep sense of inadequacy. Perhaps I'll simply enjoy the next few minutes I have of being alone in the house.
Oh, perhaps I'll inject some humour today: while scanning I was watching 2 seasons of footballers' wives. I scanned through an episode every 5 minutes and now I'm halfway through season 3. Processing information goes quickly when you are with your cock out. That was a bizarre experiment. It adds to the old adege I have: think with your dick.
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