Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I have this constant feeling that I've missed the boat. I've missed out on life, or rather; three years of what my life could have been. This upsets me deeply.

I got an email today advertising about a masters' programme. It was a masters I attempted three years ago that ruined me. In some ways I am unwilling to unlearn what I have learned. Sometimes its important to unlearn. To let go of habits and things that you think you do for your own benefit, or things that you sdo simply because that's the only way you know. Something's gotta give, that much is sure.

I shaved today. I'm not sure why. I suppose I had a bit of doubt of bearing facial snuff, feeling insecure about the tuition on thursday, or the impression it would make if I started the new job later this week. My anxiety has gone right up at the moment because I was looking at the masters degree. There's one masters degree that I saw that looks like it could launch a person into all sorts of thinktanks, and their alumni have all sorts of glamorous careers and high successes.

I feel like such a loser right now. I live upstairs in my parents' house without a job and doing a shitty internship. I don't have a girlfriend and I'm fat. I'm also really smart, but I'm the underachieving kind of smart. I was really good at lectures and talked well (well, for half of them); but something happened and I lost that sense of drive.

There are so many reasons to be depressed. So many reasons to cry. I think that's one of the reasons I made the schedule. The schedule was put into place so that I don't wallow all day and night, but do things. Yesterday was really productive. I can list what I did:

  • Sign in at job centre
  • Apply to two grad schemes (that's two things)
  • ----
  • Job search
  • Contact HR
  • Sent off basic disclosure
  • Later on in the day I also sent off (seperately) the bank details form and terms of agreement
  • I got another tuition request (who didn't reply back yet) and the details confirmed of another tutee who contacted me on sunday. I'll need to confirm that I'm tutoring her on thursday.

I *should* be proud of having done so much yesterday, and how doing things now makes the ball roll for later days. Yesterday for instance, I changed all my coins so that I could have a note to pay the counsellor (now I sound like a right loser). I should be proud that I hopefully won't have to keep visiting the job centre. I should be proud that I'm starting work, and I'll earn money. I should be proud that I managed so much, and how yesterday symbolises an improvement and a step in a forward direction. Today however, leads me to a feeling of regress. Thinking about my academic failures invalidates everything I am as a person. Perhaps it is that which I must unlearn.

When I started this post I had a feeling that I did not have the articulative powers to express myself succintly. But I managed to do it well in this post. I used to write this blog thinking that if i wrote about it, I don't need to think about what I've thought about and listed, it's already in the archive of my memories and expresses something about me; for many things I've posted, I've let free ccertain thoughts, feelings and justified certain rituals to myself; but I cannot yet get over what happened between 2007-2008.

Wish me luck for my day.

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