Monday, October 25, 2010

Between two worlds

Good morning.

Something is going wrong in my mind. I know yesterday was a positive day, and I'm glad of that. I also hope this coming week will also show me good prospects, if I put in; I'll hopefully get out.

Morning are difficult for me. I live in this weird head space during the mornings. I feel like I don't want to get out of bed. This probably sounds menial, but for me that was normally the most difficult thing about living with depression. I should say that over the past few months I haven't been as 'depressed'; sure I've had hiccups and low moments, and I do sometimes purge; but it's not like it used to be.

When I first get up, I feel like I want to cuddle. Being on my own I get my teddy bear and cuddle him, and my head goes to places. My head goes to fond memories of Antonia, or fantasies of cuddling someone (a generic someone). How tempting it is to just hide in my head and fantasise. To go into my mind and just burrow in there; escape from reality and indulge in that which is not.

The truth is, reality sucks. Life sucks the moment after I get out of a womb-like comfort; be it after sex; after birth; or out of bed (on a cold day). My negative dispositions are coming back. I must be more vigilant in combating them.  Lets talk about other things, the world of dreams can wait until tonight.

As I got up, I listened to a song to perk me up back to reality. Music is the one joyous thing that is not really present in my head-world. I called the HR people who want to employ me for my 'job'; but the relevant officer isn't available. I expect to get a callback any minute now; or I'll call them when I get back from the job centre. When I finish this blog post; I'm going to get ready to head off to the JCP, I'll sign on, get home and hopefully if I havent' received a 'call', I'll call them as I get home.

It seems that between today and the 29th October; I've got a hell of a lot of deadlines to finish up. This means there will be a fair few applications that I'll need to complete this week; as well as tutoring (hopefully), interning, and counselling; my week looks fairly occupied. Not least to mention where and how I'll fit in jogging/training, halloween celebrations, and meeting my darling ex this weekend. I suppose, you could say this week looks busy. There's something weird about me. I don't work too well under pressure, but if I work independently and on my own initiative it looks like I work well.

Anyway, now that I'm back in the real world, I need to get on.

No comments: