Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Chilly mornings

Good morning.

It's cold, I can't go about wearing a thin t-shirt anymore (note to self: put something on). I am inclined to buy a gilet. I think it's been in fashion long enough for a fuddy-duddy like me to wear. I often associated it with those guys wearing jack-wills quasi-chav gear in my university seminars; but perhaps it is functional. I thought it weird that jack wills clothing was so pretty and yet, so street. It's what rice white people interpret of sports gear, overpriced, sporty yet not doing any sports, and trying to fit in.

I think yesterday was technically a productive day. I sent off two applications for jobs, then I went for a job, did a bit of job searching and went counselling. I should probably say now, I felt awkward counselling. I think I'll list the reasons:

  • I'm not fully sure if I can sustainably afford the sessions, let's just say for now that I can. Hopefully when I start the new job I can do once a week. But if I start a FT job I won't be able to go at the agreed time. Fuck.
  • This makes me sound really prejudiced but I have to come out with it; the counsellor puts me off a bit because a) she's female (and that makes it a little difficult to express my body issues and fear of women) and b) she's really young, like probably my age!! That puts me off because of the peer factor that people like De Botton talk about. I don't want to talk to a 'peer' about it, I want to talk to an outside agent, like an old man, or an old woman. Someone at least 10 years older than my older sister. Someone who looks like they have a PhD and have known suffering. I shouldn't be so prejudiced. She's also a little cute.
  • Despite the aforementioned point. I mentioned something that I really find difficult to talk about. You know how some problems are so big that they can't be solved? Like losing a limb; one needs to just learn to accept the different change of one's own subjective experience and the bounds of what they may reasonably expect. I talked about the past two years, not just in my life; but in UK higher education. The Lehman brothers' crash led to the recession, which led to a big unemployment hike, a big job freeze, graduate schemes being overly subscribed, jobs being scare, internships being exploitative and most poignantly, university courses, and fundings increasingly and overwhelmingly difficult to get into.
  • I told her, and I told myselfthat there's nothing more I want to do than academic research. Without this, I'm purposeless. This upsets me.
  • I also told her in passing, that when I disowned my friends, I think it was mia controlling me. I also perhaps regret what I did in distancing myself from them.
  • I felt weird last week talking about myself. Perhaps that's how counselling is supposed to feel. You open up and express your vulnerabilities, and then you walk out of the session feeling more vulnerable (and a few £s lighter, not the 'pounds' that I'd particularly want to shed (lbs) - that's a pun). It feels off-putting, disorienting and it throws off my emotional equilibrium opening up like that. Perhaps I need to, if I ever am to get better in my life. Sometimes I don't know where I stand.
I walked home in the rain, and passed a sainsburys. I bought food to gorge upon, then I also ate supper. That's a sum of three meals that day. I still think it was too much. However, I do feel in myself that there are small changes, even if my weight isn't going down enough. I shouldn't take too many laxatives either, they cause more pain than actually work. Getting home brought the realisation that I was cold, and I hid under the duvet, and masturbated a few times. I also started chatting to a cute girl online. She's from norway, and she seems like a female dobby. She's funny and jovial, also she's in IT. I perhaps shouldn't tell her that dobby is the girl of my dream. Oh Dobby, I wish you were real.

I recall chatting to a friend the other day and she told me that Dobby (because I am oblivious) is purposely 'ugly' or a misfit; in that she wears ugly cardigans and she has a shit hairstyle. I thought my friend was mean. I love Dobby's eccentricities and she is my perfect vision of a woman: understanding, funny, cute, sexy, flirtatious (who can forget the storage cupboard), and perhaps the most important thing is that she doesn't have any pretense, no play, no acting, no games, what you see is what you get; and her feelings for mark are sometimes genuine; except mark fucks it up. Also she is a geek.

Anyway I have real things to do unfortunately, than fantasise over a tv character. Wish me luck. Since starting the post and finishing it, I've put on my combat jacket. It's warm!

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