Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Embarrassing moments (when getting depression help)

I recall these occaisions at the moment probably because I'm thinking about the impending counselling session that I have later on today.

I felt in a bit of a stupour just earlier, so I decided to go out for a jog. I did, and I finished early due to the rain. I'll tell you something that's funny, as soon as I reach home the bloody rain stops! Alas, I managed to get my heart rate up, and break a bit of a sweat. I feel slightly better having went for a jog (and 10mins calisthenics). I didn't go since saturday and I felt a little guilty about that. Right now, I'm going to log my data and then have a shower (which is overdue).

I'll talk about two embarrassing memories. One time I went to the psychiatrist's office and in the waiting room was a guy I knew at uni. That was most horrific for me, I was immediately outed in a way that I could not hide. Years later he messaged me on facebook asking 'why was I there?'. He was bipolar, that's also why he left uni. Perhaps I was not so worse off insofar that I learned to get over my depression, or perhaps better put, I learned to 'hide' it well.

I remember when I met Marie, I wouldn't have thought that she also hid her depressive tendencies.. It was because she was bipolar that she had a facade. I fell for her because I felt her desparation and she felt mine; and that she cared about me. At that time, that meant so much to me.

Another embarassing time, once after a lecture, a guy from my course followed me to the counselling office. He thought I was going to the fairtrade cafe. I was *outed*. Luckily he was nice and discreet. He was a pretty cute guy. He seemed like an understanding guy too. Somehow I suppose I had a reputation that I liked the fairtrade cafe.

I'll certainly say this. I really miss that fairtrade cafe at uni. It was so delicious, and I got to meet some really nice people when I felt otherwise isolated. I think I got to make a few friends there. I did have a few friends at university, friends that were nice people. I was just hoping, perhaps unrealistically; that I'd have friends like how my other mates from college made buddies at university where they drank like mad and had one night stands and went to clubs. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm glad that wasn't me.

I feel a little tired, and my clothes are starting to stink. I better get on.
Thanks for listening.

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