The less said about last night the better. I got upset. That's all I can say without deliving into a lack of articulation.
I got up early this morning. I think that I'm developing a good habit. At present I am slowly getting up and ready for my interview later in the noon. I've managed to get out of bed (always good), brush my beeth and shave, I put on an after-shave balm. I then indulged in a wank. It came out like unpierced sausage fat in the pan. I don't think its particularly glamorous to talk of my spunk as pork fat. Anyhoo, often after my orgasm, I have this 'back to normal' mindset. Normally after I orgasm I think to myself: what the hell am I doing with my life. I always used to think that, but before that was due to sexual guilt. Now it's due to inadequacy.
So I'll have to wait a week to hear what the people decide with my counselling/psychotherapy. Apparently they are both different. Counselling is 'talking', whereas psychotherapy is like building a new you from first principles (How cartesian!). My ex said something that I interpreted as very upsetting. Antonia said to me last night that I was a very good lover. Knowing that I can be more is perhaps the greatest upset of my life.
As I put my clothes on, I realise how overweight I am. I hate that I am gaining weight, or rather, not losing it. I know this is something I complain about a lot, and I'm not vigilant enough about it. I ate 2-3 times yesterday, but what I ate matters more than that I ate. I must be more vigilant. Going to a funeral today won't help too much (funeral food - fattening), of course at a funeral, that's the last thing to consider. Perhaps the most poignant things I need to consider today are the things that I've not considered much at all. My emotional equilibrium was thrown off a bit because of the chat with my ex last night, and because of counselling. Mia got to me, even if I didn't purge. It's hard to fight that mindset when you feel all alone.
So, I'm going to try and refocus my thoughts. I've been out of whack for a while, and part of that is because of the impending anxiety about my upcoming interview. It's a second stage interview, that's I hope the last stage, and I hope it is the oppurtunity to get a job. If I get a job, then it gives me something to say at parties. If I have a job then I can have money. Money means the ability to spend. Money is social capital, and enables greater cultural capital. Money means a new laptop. Money means expressing individuality in a world where a PhD is difficult to achieve. Money may even mean a PhD to study: If I went part-time. Money means I could buy motorcycle lessons. Money means I can go shopping without feeling inferior or self conscious. Money means I can go on dates, buy another round, buy a gym pass, get thin, do a job escorting once I get thin, earn even more money and then I could be a male Belle de Jour; funding my PhD by being a giggolo. It all depends on this interview. I'm psyching myself up now. I'm listening to the bloodsport soundtrack: particularly the 'Kumite' Song. That song meant a lot to me when I was doing my 'A' Levels, the lyrics seemed to resound to me. I must believe I can get this job. I am visualising that I have this job!
Proviso. Failure means I'll have to take a deep breath, and then apply again to more jobs...I know the taste of failure. I just hope if it happens this time I'll be ready. Besides that I'll give it my all.
I got up early this morning. I think that I'm developing a good habit. At present I am slowly getting up and ready for my interview later in the noon. I've managed to get out of bed (always good), brush my beeth and shave, I put on an after-shave balm. I then indulged in a wank. It came out like unpierced sausage fat in the pan. I don't think its particularly glamorous to talk of my spunk as pork fat. Anyhoo, often after my orgasm, I have this 'back to normal' mindset. Normally after I orgasm I think to myself: what the hell am I doing with my life. I always used to think that, but before that was due to sexual guilt. Now it's due to inadequacy.
So I'll have to wait a week to hear what the people decide with my counselling/psychotherapy. Apparently they are both different. Counselling is 'talking', whereas psychotherapy is like building a new you from first principles (How cartesian!). My ex said something that I interpreted as very upsetting. Antonia said to me last night that I was a very good lover. Knowing that I can be more is perhaps the greatest upset of my life.
As I put my clothes on, I realise how overweight I am. I hate that I am gaining weight, or rather, not losing it. I know this is something I complain about a lot, and I'm not vigilant enough about it. I ate 2-3 times yesterday, but what I ate matters more than that I ate. I must be more vigilant. Going to a funeral today won't help too much (funeral food - fattening), of course at a funeral, that's the last thing to consider. Perhaps the most poignant things I need to consider today are the things that I've not considered much at all. My emotional equilibrium was thrown off a bit because of the chat with my ex last night, and because of counselling. Mia got to me, even if I didn't purge. It's hard to fight that mindset when you feel all alone.
So, I'm going to try and refocus my thoughts. I've been out of whack for a while, and part of that is because of the impending anxiety about my upcoming interview. It's a second stage interview, that's I hope the last stage, and I hope it is the oppurtunity to get a job. If I get a job, then it gives me something to say at parties. If I have a job then I can have money. Money means the ability to spend. Money is social capital, and enables greater cultural capital. Money means a new laptop. Money means expressing individuality in a world where a PhD is difficult to achieve. Money may even mean a PhD to study: If I went part-time. Money means I could buy motorcycle lessons. Money means I can go shopping without feeling inferior or self conscious. Money means I can go on dates, buy another round, buy a gym pass, get thin, do a job escorting once I get thin, earn even more money and then I could be a male Belle de Jour; funding my PhD by being a giggolo. It all depends on this interview. I'm psyching myself up now. I'm listening to the bloodsport soundtrack: particularly the 'Kumite' Song. That song meant a lot to me when I was doing my 'A' Levels, the lyrics seemed to resound to me. I must believe I can get this job. I am visualising that I have this job!
Proviso. Failure means I'll have to take a deep breath, and then apply again to more jobs...I know the taste of failure. I just hope if it happens this time I'll be ready. Besides that I'll give it my all.
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