I was on the verge of tears about 2-3 times today.
I went to the counselling assessment. I opened up. It was difficult. It felt difficult, uncomfortable to tell someone about my life history, about my suicide attempt, my anxiety problems, my issues with 'mia'. I even told them about this blog.
I want to put myself forward as a mature, well read, maybe even sensitive person. Right now, however, I'm just feeling hurt, and I feel Mia's influence grows on me. Mia is hard to explain to a person. It's like a way of thinking, a way of simplifying the world. Something came up in the hour session today that I did not expect. I had to talk about when I was put in hospital. Apparently the guy went up the wrong angle asking about my family, my brother and sister and being the youngest. Too easy an explanation. When I mentioned the suicide attempt (in a blasee manner) he seemed to feel shocked, as if I were 'hiding' that. I just didn't think it was relevant. Perhaps I'll let them decide what's relevant.
Something else also came up. I spoke slowly when I felt down/anxious/depressed/suffering, but then I became angry and articulate. As if I'm two people. Am I two people? That's a question that's plagued me since I was very young. I've always had two personalities, two minds.
The anger I felt with the doctors is like the anger I feel when I purge. Mia is some mix of my two personalities; one that appeals to my needs and wants and longing, the other that resorts to hatred and anger for inspiration. Both are very strong parts of me.
Antonia started messaging me. I got upset. I am currently upset.
Mia feels like the only one there for me. Mia looks like the expanse that can fill the void in me.
I went to the counselling assessment. I opened up. It was difficult. It felt difficult, uncomfortable to tell someone about my life history, about my suicide attempt, my anxiety problems, my issues with 'mia'. I even told them about this blog.
I want to put myself forward as a mature, well read, maybe even sensitive person. Right now, however, I'm just feeling hurt, and I feel Mia's influence grows on me. Mia is hard to explain to a person. It's like a way of thinking, a way of simplifying the world. Something came up in the hour session today that I did not expect. I had to talk about when I was put in hospital. Apparently the guy went up the wrong angle asking about my family, my brother and sister and being the youngest. Too easy an explanation. When I mentioned the suicide attempt (in a blasee manner) he seemed to feel shocked, as if I were 'hiding' that. I just didn't think it was relevant. Perhaps I'll let them decide what's relevant.
Something else also came up. I spoke slowly when I felt down/anxious/depressed/suffering, but then I became angry and articulate. As if I'm two people. Am I two people? That's a question that's plagued me since I was very young. I've always had two personalities, two minds.
The anger I felt with the doctors is like the anger I feel when I purge. Mia is some mix of my two personalities; one that appeals to my needs and wants and longing, the other that resorts to hatred and anger for inspiration. Both are very strong parts of me.
Antonia started messaging me. I got upset. I am currently upset.
Mia feels like the only one there for me. Mia looks like the expanse that can fill the void in me.
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