Good afternoon.
I allowed myself a late morning. In all fairness, I complain if I'm up late at 9am. To be fair that's nothing. I got up today at 11, which is perhaps a little too late for my own good. Technically I was awake for most of that time but I didn't feel willing to get out of bed. Perhaps it is because the weather is getting increasingly cold.
I got up, had a little poo (but not a big poo that I was expecting), watched some tv as I noticed I had the house to myself. Looking at an attractive woman on Sky+ did make me think, 'hmm shall I google her and masturbate?' then I realised how utterly depraved and fucked up that is. I'm sure it's sexist too, objectifying women as the first thought. Actually my first thought was that I'd never expect harry enfield to make a reference to Schoenberg.
Maybe I should talk about yesterday. It was supposedly my 'research' day. I dont' actually have research days in practice. I feel almost like I can't be bothered. I feel like the dream slips away more and more, more things depress and make me feel hopeless. For some reason I am quite disposed to procrastination. Perhaps I should talk about yesterday.
Yesterday, on paper, it seems that I've gotten a lot done. For instance, I got a call from the employer's medical officer. I am cleared for working at the organisation, their questions were mainly about my eye problems and my skin issues. They are embarrassing, but nothing to go against my working ability. I also confirmed a booking with the counselling place. I have an appointment next week. I also did some job searching (to moderate avail) and then I completed two job applications. I did a little bit of reading, and I also completed reading Aristotle's Politics. I thought it was particularly interesting that Aristotle would talk about the value of an educated population and the value of an equal society (okay, equal but tiered, but that's not really equal).
Yesterday the Browne report was released. I don't know if you know, but the Browne report was a policy investigation initiated last year to account for the very important issue of higher education. Basically the situation is something like this: more people want to go into university, and there is a government deficit considering the current tuition fee cap. In addition, any discussion of raising tuition fees would mean that some people may not be able to afford university; all people who graduate would be paying more off their student loan and with interest, and access to the greatest universities in the country would possibly be hindered by this price - tiered system. Having a price tier for different universities means that only the rich could apply for the good universities (like Oxbridge, LSE etc) and then everyone else (everyone who isn't put off by the higher fees, and people whose families don't have a history of going to university, that is).
I hate what I've become. I'm a university graduate who is not doing what I do best. I don't even know what that is anymore. My great hope for the next few weeks is starting a new job where I'll barely be earning as much as my peers. I might earn enough to get a gym pass, maybe a bike, or a new laptop. I'll but lifestyle goods. But despite lifestyle and aspirational purchases, I'm way off paying for a mortgage; I'm way off buying a place for myself; I'm way off a 'graduate' job.
I'm exasperated. The browne report just reflects how depressing the reality of my academic aspirations are. The Browne report reflects how bleak the prospects of life are in the UK for everyone, from my Brother-in-law and sister, who are graduates in mid-level of their careers, with a child who they probably would have to save £80,000-£100,000 for his university, to someone like me whose sort of just starting out as a graduate.
I purged yesterday. With the way that the world is. I take it out on myself. It's the only sane way to react. It's like in reality I am suffocating, but when I purge (ironically when I actually suffocate - food particles get stuck in my airways sometimes) , I feel like I can truly breathe again. I could cry right now, but it would do no good. I better check up on my schedule.
I allowed myself a late morning. In all fairness, I complain if I'm up late at 9am. To be fair that's nothing. I got up today at 11, which is perhaps a little too late for my own good. Technically I was awake for most of that time but I didn't feel willing to get out of bed. Perhaps it is because the weather is getting increasingly cold.
I got up, had a little poo (but not a big poo that I was expecting), watched some tv as I noticed I had the house to myself. Looking at an attractive woman on Sky+ did make me think, 'hmm shall I google her and masturbate?' then I realised how utterly depraved and fucked up that is. I'm sure it's sexist too, objectifying women as the first thought. Actually my first thought was that I'd never expect harry enfield to make a reference to Schoenberg.
Maybe I should talk about yesterday. It was supposedly my 'research' day. I dont' actually have research days in practice. I feel almost like I can't be bothered. I feel like the dream slips away more and more, more things depress and make me feel hopeless. For some reason I am quite disposed to procrastination. Perhaps I should talk about yesterday.
Yesterday, on paper, it seems that I've gotten a lot done. For instance, I got a call from the employer's medical officer. I am cleared for working at the organisation, their questions were mainly about my eye problems and my skin issues. They are embarrassing, but nothing to go against my working ability. I also confirmed a booking with the counselling place. I have an appointment next week. I also did some job searching (to moderate avail) and then I completed two job applications. I did a little bit of reading, and I also completed reading Aristotle's Politics. I thought it was particularly interesting that Aristotle would talk about the value of an educated population and the value of an equal society (okay, equal but tiered, but that's not really equal).
Yesterday the Browne report was released. I don't know if you know, but the Browne report was a policy investigation initiated last year to account for the very important issue of higher education. Basically the situation is something like this: more people want to go into university, and there is a government deficit considering the current tuition fee cap. In addition, any discussion of raising tuition fees would mean that some people may not be able to afford university; all people who graduate would be paying more off their student loan and with interest, and access to the greatest universities in the country would possibly be hindered by this price - tiered system. Having a price tier for different universities means that only the rich could apply for the good universities (like Oxbridge, LSE etc) and then everyone else (everyone who isn't put off by the higher fees, and people whose families don't have a history of going to university, that is).
I hate what I've become. I'm a university graduate who is not doing what I do best. I don't even know what that is anymore. My great hope for the next few weeks is starting a new job where I'll barely be earning as much as my peers. I might earn enough to get a gym pass, maybe a bike, or a new laptop. I'll but lifestyle goods. But despite lifestyle and aspirational purchases, I'm way off paying for a mortgage; I'm way off buying a place for myself; I'm way off a 'graduate' job.
I'm exasperated. The browne report just reflects how depressing the reality of my academic aspirations are. The Browne report reflects how bleak the prospects of life are in the UK for everyone, from my Brother-in-law and sister, who are graduates in mid-level of their careers, with a child who they probably would have to save £80,000-£100,000 for his university, to someone like me whose sort of just starting out as a graduate.
I purged yesterday. With the way that the world is. I take it out on myself. It's the only sane way to react. It's like in reality I am suffocating, but when I purge (ironically when I actually suffocate - food particles get stuck in my airways sometimes) , I feel like I can truly breathe again. I could cry right now, but it would do no good. I better check up on my schedule.
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