29 December ABC PLease

 ABC Please

0830

29/12/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences: Yesterday I cycled 11 mmiles

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I got back into running after boxing day. It's been a struggle but I am putting the time in regardless

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it now... not the best at it I don't think

P: Physical illness prevention: I have put on some pounds since Christmas

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm mentally unwell atm

E: Exercise regularly: Two days since boxing day, two workouts

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: no alcohol lately

S: Sleep healthy : 3-4 hours since 11pm is that sleep?

E: Eat healthy: I think I could do better but no alcohol and not too much chocolate considering its Christmas.

 14 June

Watched The Flash

15 June

Corporate pride party at a lush media office

25 June

STruggling with Heatwave

 Its' 26 December 2023. It's 2216. I'm trying to get through my logging and recording the past few months which is very overdue

28 May 2023

2023

Day 3 MCM. Garth Marenghi event. met Caroline. free pin badge. garth marenghi posting. gave presents to Caroline.   i was thinking all after midnight about the OMFD community of fans and how kind they were

2215

26/12/2023

 Dear Diary

It's 2:33 am and it's boxing day. It's not my best Christmas if I'm honest. It was nice to chat to Jemma. It felt normal. 

I have this feeling lately. I am awake in the middle of the night feeling utterly isolated. The thing that makes me feel isolated is. I'm not sure how to explain it. I have to step back a bit first. Over the past few weeks and months I've been doing physio rehab. While I am wearing these compression shorts, which hide the sensation of me having balls, i feel more masculine. I have decided not to question it within the binaries of a fixed notion of masculinity and femininity. It makes me feel masculine when I don't feel like I have balls and when I wear floral and sweet scented perfume while doing running cardio, it makes me feel really good. So good that I am capable of running and tolerating pain in a much unprecedented way. Proof is in the pudding and the fact is on Christmas day in spite of 2-3 days eating I have had the lowest bodyfat I've had since about March. It's really surprising and I don't understand it. I should declare in transparency that my weight has gone up the past few days and that's reasonable. It's the bodyfat that surprises me.

I feel a part of me fully expressed and fulfilled. This masculine, rage, intellectual, autistic, plalnning and somewhat emotive side of me. But in fulfilling that side of me I realise I don't have an outlet for other aspects of me. The part of me that loves, the part of me that yearns, the part of me that desires, lusts, feels joy. the part of me that laughs, the part of me that wants to wear a blouse, the part of me that maybe wants to wear a pencil skirt or express gender fluidity. The part of me that *maybe* has she/her pronouns. The part of me I feel must remain hidden for my sake of embarrassment. It's a square I can't circle. 

Anyway let's try to summarise this Christmas. The trade unionist told me I need to write an apology to my boss or I could lose my job. I am feeling unwell a lot at work. There's a lot of transphobia going on in society at large and it's eating away at me. I'm going through this gender expression journey that feels like a door opening but what's going on at work and society is like the doors are closing. 

Anyway I better do ABC PLease, not done it in a while:

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I wentn out socially a few days last week, I went out of london for once, I spent time with family. i've done really well on this

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: There's Running, there's pro-social relationships

C: Cope ahead: I think I could do more of this, I feel this is a weak point but I have anticipated some events and wrote some plans for upcoming days. I'm firming up plans for January and the rest of 2024

P: Physical illness prevention: I'm not sure. I can run well

L:  Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm mentally unwell

E: Exercise regularly: I didn't do any running on Christmas day or will I do so on Boxing Day but I'm hoping to use the Gym when it's open tomorrow beffore 2pm closing

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I had a box of ferrero rocher and a couple of desserts, I drank a bit. But really, A bit.

S: Sleep healthy: I'm up at 3am, not really doing well

E: Eat healthy: I will check the weighing scales later. I am hoping tomorrow I'll get back to it. I have a 2500kcal surplus I need to burn off. I'm possibly confident I can do it?

My hopes for the future (December 20 2023)

 Things I hope for

• Job security - that seems an issue with my boss right now
• Better and improving health
• Pro social relationships
• dates and sex, and fulfilling ones at that
• A positive sense of self

Dear Diary,

As if I ever frequently post on here anymore but it's fair to say I post infrequently and even when I do I am an unreliable narrator. Selectively telling you what's going on. I'm getting quite unwell at the moment. Mentally that is.

Physically I'm running/cycling 2-3 hours a day, except for this Saturday, I'm the cardio fittest I've ever been. I'm on the verge of physical change I believe. I found my trousers were falling down earlier on Saturday. I'm doing therapy at the moment. I have a therapy workflow document, we are talking about different issues. The last session we talked about the injury (April 2022). Maybe I talked about it on here, maybe not. The next session I want to talk about the relationship that happened in July-August that ended as quickly as it began. 

In relationships I see a version of myself that others might see. In relationships I see a version of myself that I could be. It seems at work I have had some problematic relationships. Relationships with peopel I work with have broken down. I've been kicked out of the union committee and it seems I'm no longer in receipt of communications from the union. I did a bad thing to the union chair. I guess you could say I got a pound of flesh from him. Now it seems lots of other people demanding a pound of flesh.  I may not be able to keep my job after what's happened. I need to be serious and sober about what this might mean. 

I started this blog maybe in 2006 or 2008 I can't fully remember. What I do remember is I was hurting a lot and my bulimia was one of the early themes. Well Weight Loss has been a revisiting topic lately with my new routine. Tan thinks I'm unwell with how much I run. I dont flag how her emotional eating is the mirror of what I'm going through. Probably won't land if I say it, or even if I think it.

Anyway. It's Christmas coming up. There are so many concrete things that have happened and I've not told you. I've not told my friends, family. I've not told the people I'm close to how difficult work is. I have a therapist. I guess I'm trying to trust her. I perhaps myself don't realise the greavity of things. I'm really missing Jem at the moment. Jem's not replying to my messages. I'm not sure how to talk to her anymore. I felt this intense attraction and bonding with her and I never talked about it with her. I'm too afraid to. I guess because she's older and has her own thing going on. I am increasingly feeling without ..a side, without a crew, without a team. On my own.

ABC Please: 3 december

 ABC Please 3 December

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I checked with with trans colleagues when a bad thing happened this week

B: Build mastery in activities which make you feel confident: My running has been on point lately

C: Cope ahead: although I'm at a struggle at this I do a lot of work on planning my days and weeks ahead

P: Physical illness prevention: I'm trying to recover after illness last week

L: Low vulnerability to diseaeses. I'm under some stress lately

E: Exercise regularly: I've done well on this

S: Sleep healthy: I'm up at 4am, so probably not good on this

E: eat healthy, I have been losing weight well lately, although I just ate a pizza takeaway after midnight

 Financial goals:

Achieved the following:

64k by October 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

64k by November 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

65k by November 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

65k by December 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

66k by December 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

 I'm in the middle of a nasty flu-cold and my only bit of lucidity is doing some admin. Anyway I thought I'd take a quick pause because one of my rumination exercises have come up.

2010: I discover Florence + the Machine. I'm surprised I like her music. I like that she's about my age. I like that it's otherworldly. I feel like it touches a part of me inside myself and it contnrasts so much with my other music interests which are mostly metal. Given the recent gender questioning I'm having lately I feel like maybe there's something in it. I'm currently watching the music video (originally unreleased) of Hurricane Drunk. 

Gosh the 2010s were shit. I was just struggling to get into job interviews, struggling to get work, struggling to make money and if I wasn't doing the aforementioned I would be depressed. I think the main thing that was a respite was going to body balance class and then later on i started body attack and body pump classes and explored the other classes. I felt post university and post breakup I was moving into a new sense of identity. One not based on educastion and a sense of status, which I had neither of those anymore. 

3 things I am positive about today

(For Saturday)

1.  In spite of a difficult start to the day, I made decisions to aim to get everything done even if I might not get the perfect execution. I did fairly well all things considered.

2. I got the physical tasks done today: I serviced my bike, I did my manscaping, I went out to get the paper, I cycled to the other supermarket for some cheap drinks and supplies. 

3. I wasn't originally planning to do it but I did 40 mins of cardio in the gym. My original goal was to do 100 heart points but I ended up doing 201 by the end of the day thus exceeding the amount. My fitness is perhaps at an all time high although my weight is not dropping or my bodyfat. 

ABC Please 05/11/2023

 ABC Please 05/11/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I went on a date

B: Build mastery in experiences - treadmill is at a good pace

C: cope ahead - I'm struggling at the moment but I think writing my schedule ahead helps

P: Physical illness prevention - I am not sure 

L : Low vulnerability to diseases : physical activity is at an all time high

E: Exercise regularly - see abouve

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - less chocolate, no booze, lots of burger king

S: Sleep healthy: I have beeen tired and depressed a lot, so yes?

E: Eat healthy: could be better honestly

 I wrote in my diary on sunday a few weeks ago to check in myself if i have any follow up on therapy. It is the case that I have a first appointment on 7pm Wednesday. 

So I haven't written about it on this blog but in the past few months and weeks I've wanted to explore my gender expression more and i've felt very upset at how long I've been ignoring this issue for so long. I have this cycling bib and it compresses my junk and it feels like a big relief to wear it. I think if I were to give a label, I am 'genderfluid'. Wearing the kimono at comicon felt like such a big relief. 

I'm getting into some problems at work and i think therapy helps

 Comicon bingo (a therapeutic writing exercise)

I've got lots to do and followup this week but here's a fun task to try and get to terms with and write down what happened over MCM weekend which just took place

Things I did

• Wore a new cosplay#
• Met a creator in artist alley
• Made new friends
• Stayed hydrated
• Visited the haunted house
• Got the mobile app
• Played the treasure hunt + got a free tote bag
• Got a celebrity photo op
• Discovered a new fandom
• Went to a main stage panel

Things I didn't do

• Played games in side quest
• Attend a comics panel
• Attended an anime panel
• Bought official merch
• Attended a gaming panel
• Attended a literary panel
• Bought a new game or figure
• Got a celebrity autograph
• |Got a comic signed
• Visited Asia stand
• Attended a cosplay pnnel
• Visited writers' block
• Partied at arfter hours
• Went to centre stage panel

abc please: 1420 30/10/2023

ABC Please: 

A: Accumulate positive experiences, last week I met a friend from last year. she's a friend, a new friend I met IRL only once and we interacted abit on socials, then comicon. comicon was just perfect

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I improved in my running/cardio

C: Cope ahead: I'm trying. I need to do my timings. I'm struggling with keeping organised. Having said that I planned this would happen because I oboked today off of work

P: Physical illness prevention: Umm. I'm not sure, I've been very physically active. That's good?

L: Low vulnerability to disearses : I had the flu jab, a few panic attacks, I vomited from nausea over the past few days

E: Exercise regularly: in a word, yes

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I don't think I had any alcoho. lately. I did have some takeaways

S: Sleep healthy. insomnia has been *manageable* but very present

E: Eat healthy: Could do better. My bodyfat's gone down but my weights' gone up

 ABC Please

A - Accumulate positive experiences: I cycled 30 miles in a day indoors. No lets try again. I saw my brother nad his son and daughter

B - Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: I cycled 30 miles a day indoors. On Sunday I did a big rush to get my chores done

C - Cope ahead. I think I try my best with this but I'm in a difficult one today

P - Physical illness prevention: Rehab is going well

L - Low vulnerability to diseases : I just about kept to my physical activity goals last week. Today (Monday) I'm likely to hit 10 miles in total

E - Exercise regularly: I had a couple of days off last week and I'll explain why. One day was because I had family day, another day was because I got tired after morning physio. not the physio itself but the chores I did after

A - Avoid mood altering drugs: I can't say I've been teetotal but whenever I had a drink I never felt problematic feelings and it was just a sip of the liquer I really like

S - sleep healthy: I think I've been sleeping okay. Wonder how it will be today

E - Eat healthy: not so good at this, a lot of fatty foods

ABC Please: 11/10/2023

 ABC Please:

A - accumulate positive experiences: I went to a gig with Chrissy boy. It was so much fun

B - Build mastry in activities that make you feel confident: I went back on treadmill incline and less on indoor bike

C - Cope ahead: I'm spending quite a bit of time on writing in when I expect to be tired and planning ahead of time

P - physical illness prevention: not sure how to answer this: I'm working on my new rehab plan and next session is a week from now

L - low vulnerability to diseases: I think it's been over a week since my last panic attack...so that's good?

E - Exercise regularly: I didn't go to the gym yesterday but I went to a gig and I hit 100 heart points from rocking out with my hair and screaming. I love going to gigs it is like a really physical thing for me

A - Avoid mood altering drugs: My drug of choice is morley's chicken

S - Sleep healthy: I think I did okay with this

E - Eat healthily : Definite area of growth and development right now

 Removing some financial savings goals as I've essentially already achieved it unless some major spending comes through and I make a loss:

• 63k by end of November (2023)
• 64k by end of December 2023?
• 64k by January 2023 (revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023)
• 65k by Feb 2024 (revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023)
• 66k by March 2024 (revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023)
• 67k by April 2024 (Lowball, set 10/07/2023)
• 
  

 Therapeutic writing exercise: Ways in which I keep self discipline (5 things)

• Focus on goals
• Resist temptation
• Think about long term
• Accept that when I work it might not be as good as I want it to be
• Accept things are problematic in the now and work on it. No head in the sand
• Accept discomfort

 ABC Please: 05/10/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went to the physio, I had an orthopedic phone appointment with a 'Mr'. Also I saw one of my all time favorite bands on Sunday. I'm not really in a good way lately but all things considered I'm pushing forward in other respects

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. I'm on track to hitting 50km on pokemon go today, I'm hopefully on track at hitting 2500kcal indoor cycling goal. I hit 30 miles on the indoor bike and 90 mins. I'm working on building mastery

C: Cope ahead: I've been quite good at planning lately, I've got comicon coming up and that helps me give a sense of focus and have something to look forward to

P: Physiical illness prevention: I'm trying to keep physically active. I'm not eating as well though

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: pass. I think my mental health has made me morevulnerable. I think I'm sleeping better and keeping to good sleep health which ...is a good basis

S: Sleep healthy (see above

E: Eat healthy (see above)

 Financial goals achieved:

62k by end of september (goal set 10/07/2023)

60k by end of September (revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023)

63k by end of september (ambitious 10/07/2023)

64k by end of September (revised 08/08/2023)

61k by end of October (revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023)

62k by end of October (2023, lowball)

63k by end of October (revised 10/07/2023)

62k by end of November ((revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023))

63k by end of December (revised goal after big spending in Aug //goal set 25/08/2023)

ABC PLEASE

A: Accumulate positive experiences: It's been a tough few weeks, I facilitated a meeting on Thursday which might have been important to other people

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I'm trying to work on indoor cycling goals

C: Cope ahead: prepare and rehearse situations: I think I've gotten better at this in the context of having panic attacks

P : Physical illness prevention : Pass. Panic attacks and weight/bodyfat gain

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: Panic attacks

E: Exercise regularly; I have done 4 days at the gym, 5 days cycling. I've hit my indoor cycling goalds in terms of distance and time (not calories) and I've hit my outdoor cycling goals

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I got drunk this week, fail

S: Sleep healthy. I think I'm coping. Sleep is disturbed but...I'm not too idle when insomniac

E: Eat healthy: Not sure really. The new API has overestimated my real terms calories

 3 things I'm positive about today

1. Mum and dad came home early
2. I had a nice lunch
3. I think I'm recovering from panic episode
4. I'm relatively on top of keeping organised today
5. I lost 0.2% bodyfat (in the context of suddenly gaining 2% last week)

 ABC PLEASE - 17/09/2023

A: accumulate positive experiences. I don't think I did too much of that this week. Perhaps the most positive thing is I kept going, I also went outside even when I didn't feel like it

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident. my bodyfat went up and my fitness has gone down, but I've not let that stop me from doing 45 mins on the bik yesterday and the day before at the new cardio equipment in the gym

C: Cope ahead. I'm dealing with that right now

L: Low vulnerability to diseases. I'm trying to deal with resilience

E: Exercise regularly: Regularly enough I suppose...

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: my drug of choice lately are lidl salty snacks

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing this

E: Eat healthy: Lidl 'low calorie' ice cream has been my go-to lately

 dear diary

some stuff has happened at work.

i may have lost my job. i'll find out soon. it's not the best situation but it is one of my own creation. I had a major panic episode on Wednesday and Thursday. Friday was recovery. Saturday was my attempt at a normal day. I got v tired after 5pm. 9pm yesterday was this russell brand documentary which was utterly harrowing and depressing. 

Lets focus on the positives. I'm trying very hard not to make a mess of the house and my life. I'm stocking up on groceries. I'm putting stuff away in the bin and not leaving too much of a mess. I serviced my bike yesterday and I waxed my barbour jacket in preparation for the coming autumn. It's still drying up outside. 

Today I hope to firm up a plan for Friday socialising this coming week. today I hope to clear all my non priority tasks. Today I hope to do all the life admin and then maybe think about some nice things to do over the coming weeeks and months. Maybe just maybe if I finish by 7pm I'll get to the gym. the gym has a new suite of cardio equipment and it's really cool. It's integrated to an app so I can log my data on it and it syncs to google fit and all that fancy shit. 

 ABC PLease 

- 05/09/2023 

writing at 1342 in the office

A: Accumuilate positive experiences - I'm not sure I'm capable of that right now. the best I'm doing I s trying to get through the day

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - I'm clearing my NPS and I cycled yesterday 10 miles, expected to cycle 10 miles later today 

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this okay not great

P: Physical illness prevention: despite not being at the gym in 2 weeks I haven't had any sores except that near cramp last week on the bike

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: my gum issue has gone down and I don't feel dizzy today

E: Exercise regularly: 10 miles yesterday and likely 10 miles today: that's enough?

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: no alcohol. I did smoke yesterday

S: Sleep healthy: I am actively working on improving sleep

E: Eat healthy - I am eating a sweet potato and pork belly in my lunchbox

 ABC Please: 03/09/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I've been keen to get back in my routine after the bike theft on 16th Aug

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I'm trying just to keep on track

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, last week and week before there's difficulty getting through uncertainty

P: Physical illness prevention: I've been unwell lately

L: Low vulenrability to diseases : ibid

E: Exercise regularly, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks but I have cycled 40+ miles this week 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: No booze this week, booze could have helped me

S: Sleep healthy: I've been doing my best

E: Eat healthy: I lost weight but...mainly stressed out

 My hopes for the future: 

I hope to be where I felt I was from August 16th before 9pm. With a bike, with all my bike stuff and feeling safe and in a routine. After my bike was gone and my 1804' machine gone I can't get back into a routine. 

ABC PLease 25/08/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I have been working to get back to normal

B: Build mastery in activities: In the absence of my routine around the bike, I have worked on creating a new routine

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, I'm eswpec ially trying to work on this including the fact I'll get a new bike soon 

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I haven't been to the gym in a week or 10 days

E: Eexercise regularly: I've had more steps lately as a result of what;'s happened but not cycling or gym exercise. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, you know I have only had uber eats on Sunday and not since then, surprisingly I thought I'd have it more

S: Sleep healthy: I think I've been sleeping better lately

E: Eat healthy : I'm trying to keep under 105.2. I hit 105.2 earlier this week but then I went as low as 103.9. I'm at 31.2% but earlier in the week I was as low as 30.6%. If I could get to 30.6% and hold it more consistently and if I could hold under 103kg for longer that would be golden, I'm just dancing too much on the precipice. 

 three things you are positive about today

1. A difficult week, right now I'm working on sitting up and trying to be resilient and keeping planning
2. My bodyfat has gone down to where my weight has gone up
3. I really kept my resilience up after my bike got stolen. I had a phone call with the police following the report of the theft and I've given insurance information about how i'm proof of owner for the stuff that was stolen

 ABC Please 18 August

A _ Accumulate positive experiences : I went to a leaving do

B: Build mastery in activities: I did some cycling...then my bike got stolen (the rest of this is about my bike being stolen)

C: Cope ahead: Actually I think I'm doing good at this, I've had some stressful stiautations this week and I'm planning for the comedown

PL Physical illness prevention: I havenn't overeaten...yet

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm under a lot of stress

E: Exercise regularly: without a bike I feel less motivated to go outside. I'm not sure how things will be for a while

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I didn't drink this week, did that help?

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with this but the stress/panic/anxiety is making me wake up super early

E: Eat healthy: I've lost weight this week, if I can just keep it lost and get to 103.5 by Sunday, maybe hold it for as long as possible. I'll be at November level weights. 

 Hopes for the future:

• Get laid more
• Get the mortgage and flat approved. Im mentalising that £289k flat near where I am now
• Lose weight
• be more organised
• feel better mentally
• have better relationships
• be more positive and less toxic

 Sunday 13 August: ABC PLease

A: Accumulate positive experiences - my mind feels like a blank this week on this. I started shadowboxing again. I think its getting exactly to the point last year where I started my rehab and I feel more motivation at the moment than I did in July when I had my panic episodes 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I hit 60 miles on the bike. My weekly goal is 30mi

C: Cope ahead: I'm getting better at this, I spent a lot of the past 3 days writing in chores and such up to week 1 of september

P: Physical illness prevention: so long as I dont hit the gym too hard

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I've been quite depressed lately I need to be honest

E: Exercise regularly : pass, this is all I'm talking about

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, my main takeaway has been burger king, every time I have BK its because I cycled there. 

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm good on this

E: Eat healthy: I think this has been better. It could be better. I've done a lot of comfort eating lately.

 abc please : 

A : Accumulate positive experiences: I socialised multiple times this week. 

B: Build mastery in activities: although I didn't do loads compared to past weeks I did do a few days where I hit 120mins of cardio

C: Cope ahead: I'm getting better at this

P: Physical illness prevention: I had a wonky ankle after doing 120 mins of cardio

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: my bodyfat isn't going down, but it isn't majorly going up either

E: Exercise regularly: I've hit the minimums

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: you know I don't think I've had any takeaway this week, no that's not true I had burger king

S; sleep healthy: i've been okay with this

E: Eat healthy: Yaweh permitting I wouldn't have eaten 3000kcal surplus like i did last sunday

sunday 6 august 2023

 Achilles goals achieved:

61k by July 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

61k by August 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

62k by August 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

62k by September 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

63k by September 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

(moderate goal: 60k by 2023 end?)

 I have difficulties with memories increasingly. I find certain periods of my life difficult but I have found a consistency in which I am able to classify the eras. I am trying to remember secondary school, sixth form, uni days and the days after uni up to present day. I find that listening to songs help me to classify the years and give me memories. I dont think I'm able to remember memories in the way other people do. I find I'll find something and all the memories come back, like a totem, well not like a totem, a totem itself. 

So every few days I have rolling reminders on google keep about memories and songs and odd songs come up to give me ideas to add more memories on the list of different years and eras, it will be my intention to use this blog to write about some songs. I may write about some songs and memories repeatedly. I feel like so much has happened this week and these past few months wherin I haven't been able to stop and talk about it.

I also feel like it's difficult to have someone I can be close to and confide in where my emotions get in the way in some way. This week I reconnected with a former colleague from a few years ago and we met in a pub, things got ...very close after that from when we were chatting. we have all very suddenly felt a sense of attraction to each other. They are in another country and I don't think it will lead to any kind of conventional relationship. They are queer/poly type and I guess I am too and we are just going to be very close and special friends. One other close and special friend from a year ago is meeting other special friends and I'm dealing with my sense of jealousy about that. It's not anyone's issue but mine when it comes to jealousy but I mustn't let it affect how I act in other ways. 

In addition to that the jealousy reminds me of how empty my life is. I'll just try to finish my non priority schema tonight and work on some planning maybe. I am a bit ahead this week I think. I'm planning to meet J tomorrow for an hour before they go on the Eurostar. 

 63.8k savings 

Goals achieved: 

60k by end of August (i'm 61k in July 10, so achieved)

61k by end of August (lowball, goal set 10/07/2023)

62k by end of August (ambitious, goal set 10/07/2023 )

61k by end of September (lowball)

62k by end of september (goal set 10/07/2023)

63k by end of september (ambitious 10/07/2023)

ambitious goal: 65k by June 2023? (not achieved)

 ABC Please 31/07/2023

A - Accumulate positive experiences: I strived to keep to my cycling goals even in that one week where it was difficult. I did a best man speech for my best friend's wedding and we performed barbershop and I did a kazoo solo and it was very family friendly and wholesome. I think I'm overperforming on positive experiences but I am really tired since the wedding. Oh yeah I went on a date with Tanner too

B - Build mastery in activities: Does cycling count?

C- Cope ahead. I'm working on this, I think I could do a lot better but its a constant work in progress

P - Physical illness prevention. Except for eating like 5000kcal over this weekend, yeah I'm keeping active

L: Low vulnerability to diseases. I dont' know how to answer that. My dad's going to radiotherapy next month. I don't really think about my health atm

E: Exercise regularly. I think I did 4 days last week. If I can cycle home from work (in the rain) and do an hour in the indoor bike that will be perfect. An hour on a normal bike is also acceptable

S: Sleep healthy: Except for a couple of nights I have been mostly well on this front

E: Eat healthy : see above

 29/07/2023 

3 things I'm positive about today:

• I did classes and indoor bike today. It's a sign I'm trying to get back to routine after a disturbing few weeks
• I am catching up (to varying degree of success) to my usual admin
• I am fighting to keep organised and making my best effort to keep organised

 Positive memories of 2006

York Cafe in clifton

Wilkins my friend the PhD student

Memories with Ant - who I did the wedding speech for last week

Living with Owen

The Arches Montpelier

MSN Messenger was a lifeline to friends

 ABC PLease 14/07/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I worked quite hard in the past week to reverse my weight gain

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I did more indoor bike

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm doing better at this but I do have a lot to do

P: Physical illness (prevention) - i've had a bad panic episode I think this isn't a good one for me this week

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: ibid

E: Exercise regularly: In spite of bad mental health I have really pushed well on the bike

A: Avoid mood altering drugs : wankohol and takeaway are my druges

S: Sleep healthy: I think sleep has been good exccept last night

E: Eat healthy: It's improved I think

 Financial goals achilleus schema:

58k by May 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

59k by May 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

59k by May 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

59k by June 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

60k by June 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

60k by July 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

61k by July 26 2023 (26/03/2023 goal revised)

at 13 July all of these goals achieved or (by 26 july likely achieved)

 things I have done today: Tuesday 11 july

I'm really not feeling so well with my energy levels and anxiety so I think it's important to list what i've done:

Today I wrote a draft of my best man's speech for A's wedding later this month

Today I changed the bedsheets. I've put that off a bit too much

Today I booked a bike service. Again something I've put off. Service is on Saturday which means I won't have time to do a morning gym session I think. I really need the bike service done anyway. The bike is in good nick but I've done a lot of miles on it. Important to see if I need to change my tyres or brakes or anything like that.

I think I might close up shop in the home office today and go out to do some other things. I'll aim for 2 hours cardio, do a body attack class and on the way home stop at aldi for some professor peppy

 July 10 2023

Financial goals achieved:

60k (set May 2023)

56k by end of April (Achieved and exceeded 59k 23/04/2023)

57k by end of May

58k by end of June

59k by end of July

60k by end of August (achieved)

60k by end of August (i'm 61k in July 10, so achieved)

I'm tallying assets. I'm catching up with lots of other stuff on my birthday. Basically just doing life admin today. I spent all of my weekend catching up on stuff. I'm working on encyclopedie and catch up. I hope to finish some logging as well

ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I did a speech at an ERG event that got a big applause

B: Build Mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: I cleaned my bike and lubed up the parts today

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this but it is a bit of a struggle for me. I'm having some difficult days so I'm planning ahead on being slower than usual for the next 20 days

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I am sleeping more to help

E: Exercise regularly: I cycled 30 miles but I didn't get much done in terms of gym, my bodyfat has done up 

S: Sleep healthy: I think I've dealth with this okay

E: Eat healthy: I had fish and chips tonight. Overeating but not as much sugary stuff

ABC Please 02/07/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I cycled 70 miles

B: Build masty in activities that make you feel confident - I have been working towards my recovery since Thursday

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on coping with the next two weeks

P: Physical illness prevention : In spite of the increasing levels I'm doing classes and cycling

E: Exercise regularly - check

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I had a bad mental episode this week, it can't be helped. I need to be slower for a while

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Aspartame in Diet cola is bad for you. I need to reduce my Aspartame

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing better at this

E: Eat healthy: I'm not 

ABC Please 27/06/2023 

Accumulate positive experiences: I cycled over my limit this week

B: Build mastery in activities: I did lots of housework

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it, It's not the easiest

P: Physical illness prevention: I gained weight

L: Low vulnerability to diseases. My ankle feels shot up. I've been off my ankle over than 2 days only cycling 6 miles a day

E: Exercise regularly: Cycling replaces going to the gym

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I've overeaten

S: Sleep healthy: I think I've slept good

E: Eat healthy - not so much

 Three things I'm positive about today: 

1. THe house is less of a mess and not more
2. I have enough diet cola
3. I am working on improvement today (I think)

 Three things I'm positive about today:

1. I caught up on sleep
2. I am catching up on non priority schema
3. I achieved most of my goals of the week

ABC Please (11/06/2023)

 A: Accumulate positive experiences - I chaired the pride network on Thursday and I organised two socials during the day

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I cycled 90 miles this week

C: Cope ahead: I have spent this morning prepping for events upcoming. Not without difficulty

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: My knees are better this week

E: Exercise regularly: I haven't been to the gym as much but I have cycled more

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: kebabs

E: Eat healthy: I really need to do more veg. my weight and bodyfat haven't shifted, although as a positive, my bodyfat has stabilised and my weight staying at 104. 

ABC Please

 05/06/2023

I've not done it in a while. It's just over a week since comicon. I'm still recovering from it.

A: Accumulate positive experiences. Comicon was good

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident. I'm doing a lot of activism at the moment, I can't pretend its a small part of my life anymore

C: Cope ahead. About 2 weeks ago I set up a post comicon week routine as I knew I'd be behind. Seems like I'm 2 weeks behind that I didn't prepare for. So coping ahead not my thing

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: is feeling low and exhausted a thing?

E: Exercise regularly, now this is the strong suit. I've been cycling a lot more lately. I hit 84 miles this week and that includes a day not cycling at all. I'm very proud of that. 

S: Seleep healthy: I'm doing okay with this

E: Eat healthy: I'm improving. Maybe I am speaking too soon. My bodyfat is 29.9 and my weight at 104 an that's the highest its been in a few days. I've consistently been at 103 and edging around 30%. I'm hoping to push lower than 29.9. but I have to pedal it on the bike more

 ABC Please: 22/05/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I had a nice chat with my new colleague and I am having positive interactions at work for pride month

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I have cycled a lot more this week

C: Cope ahead: This is something I'm working on right now to ensure I have a plan for comicon, recovery and prep

P: Physical illness prevention: I am wearing some knee protection and ankle protection during intensive days

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: Sleeping well helps

E: Exercise regularly: check

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: does takeaway and sugary food count? I'm bad at those

S: Sleep healthy: Except for tonight probably I've been good at this

E: Eat healthy: I need to improve on this I think. On sunday and saturday i just needed to eat more.

 3 things you are positive about today

1. I am keeping within 103kg despite concerns I had this week
2. I saw 2 heavy metal gigs in as many weeks and it cheered me up
3. I met more people and spoke to more people in the past couple of weeks
4. I am consistently achieving my cycling goals of 30mi a week and 50km a week

23 April ABC PLEASE

 ABC PLEASE

A; Accumulate positive experiences: Pride event was good at work, I went to a corporate event, I saw Sabaton, I saw Delain. I loved it

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I have been working on speaking with people a lot more 

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, I did some good work last week on this but I have a lot going on. Planning ahead made it work better 

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm not sure how to answer this. I haven't had any ailments 

E: Exercise regularly, technically I've fulfilled this

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I have put on weight

S: Sleep healtily: I have

E: Eat healthily: I could be doing better

 My Hopes for the future: 

I hope for a time when I'm not struggling all the time. I hope for a time when I have the opportunity to live the life I want and to live the way I want to love. I want more time with my friends. I want more time to be truly me.

I feel if I cant have those things I am dead. Not just figuratively.

ABC PLEASE 2 April

 A: Accumulate positive experiences  - I've started going into the office again

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I have been making an effort with cycling to the weekly targets and hitting the stationary bike at least an hour every session, in addition to managing office work 

C: Cope ahead: I've been writing day plans for upcoming days that are specific to my fitness goals and basic admin and hygiene and chore related tasks

P: Physical illness prevention: My ankle is a bit better except 90 mins ago when it seemed to feel off. I haven't gotten more immobile and I'm pretty good at cycling again 

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I have to admit I had a couple of days off sick due to distress

E: Exercise regularly: I think I did that one fairly well, cycled 5 out of 6 days this week. I didn't manage to hit 300 fitbit points like I did last week but I did well enough to stay within the 102kg range

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: gotta say I've been partaking the burger king a bit

S: Sleep healthy, except for right now (awake at 3am) I've been doing OK

E: Eat healthy: Not sure really. weight loss does not eqate healthy.

 Tuesday 15 November

preoccupied by earbud issue 

heard from dad about my cousin's divorce

heard from Jess his dad died

fixated on ear bud issue all night

12 November

today i discovered 'sizzling saturday' - 20% off meat with a waitrose card. day 1 of having a barbour jacket

26/03/2023 goals achieved

Get to 105kg / 29% BF (21/02/2023)

55k by Feb 25 2023

56k by March 26 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

57k by April 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

58k by May 25 2023 (26/02/2023 goals - lowball estimates)

(ideal) 60k by March 2023 end of financial year - not quite achieved

Ideal salary by April 2023: minimum 45k - sort of achieved

 ABC Please: 

Accumulate positive experiences: I'm not sure I did

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident, before i hurt my foot i achieved my cycling boal

C: COpe ahead: I'm working on this. I had a few down days but I anticipated this and I pre-wrote my daily plans

P: Physical illness prevention: I hurt myfoot

L: Low vulnerability ot diseases, when i feel low i feel exhausted

E: Exerceise regularly, I did 4 days. I attempted to cycle on saturday but It was too dangerous to cycle

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: my weight went up

S: Sleep healthy: sleep is okay

E :Eat healthy: I'm eating more clean stuff but I'm still eating junk

 19/03/2023

3 things I'm positive about today:

• I had lovely food today
• I was warm today
• I got through some work
• I got my cycling and movement targets achieved even after my injury on friday

Hopes for the future

• Compelte Encyclopedie
• Complete rehab recovery
• ankle heals so i can get back on the bike
• 
  

 13/03/2023: ABC PLease:

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I feel really good on the indoor bike

B: Build masty in activities: my cardio heart rate is getting better

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this but I think pre-writing my plans days in advance helps me a lot

P: Physical illness prevention: I'm feeling fitter

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I had a couple of days where I felt ill and directly relatedto when I felt depressed, but pushing up my physical activity helps

E: Exercise regularly: I did 6/7 days trainingi this week

A: Avoid mood altering Drugs: my comfort food is a double whopper

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay at this

E: Eat healthy: I'm converging around 29% and 103kg -- that's a good sign right? Although I'm having terrible chest pains

 ABC PLEASE  05/03/2023

ABC PLEASE

A: Accumulate positive experiences - on saturday i went to step class and it was fun doing a fitness class with people, people like when i do my special jumps

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I've taken up indoor cycling

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it but I've formalised more specific things as daily goals - like cyling close to 5 miles a day, going for rehab and treadmill/cardoi daily

P: Physical illness prevention: instead of running an hour a day I turn it down to 15-20 mins and that's easier on my ankles 

L: Low vulnerability to diseasese: I'm not sure how I'm dealing with this

E: Exercise regularly : 5 days this week is good right?

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, my narco of choice is smash burger from local shop.

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing this

E: Eat healthy: I'm 103kg atm. Lets say if I'm at 102 next week this will confirm I am in fact eating well

get to 104kg (02/12/2022)

 March 3. Some serious stuff happening at work at The Sentinel. It will be reported by outside media. 

I'm going through my tabs on Google Keep and some are about wellbeing or therapeutic exercises. So here's one.

Journal your thoughts. Here's one.

Last week on Sunday morning my boiler broke. I had about 5 days without hot water in the house or central heating. It was painfully cold. It eventually was resolved. One way I dealt with the issue was when I would go to the gym I would have a shower after. The joy of showering in the gym. I used to work out with friends but they all got married or moved out of the area. Back in the day we'd work out and shower after together. I miss them but showering on my own in a big open space at 9:30pm when nobody is around is quite therapeutic. There's a moment when I'm on my own and sitting on a bench. I'm alone with my thoughts and I'm literally sans clothes, I've no armour and nothing to shield me from the reality of my own thoughts and feelings. I get dressed, towel off and pack my bag up to leave but in those moments I'm truly alone, not looking at my phone or contacting anyone. Not accessible by email or listening to spotify. I'm just dressing up and aiming to get back to life. For a moment I feel completely free.

 ABC Please:

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I did a big bike ride yesterday. 12 miles in total

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. I did my best to do an hour of cardio a day. 

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this. this takes quite a bit of work and planning and writing into my diary. I want to be better at this but it's difficult

P: Physical illness prevention. Maybe I need to deal with mental difficulties to help with this

L: Low vulnerabiblity to diseases: My knee and ankle are off. Do I have a day off from gym?

E: Exercise regularly: I did 6 days gym even on Friday when I had to go to a family funeral. I've ticked this box

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I have eaten too much

S: Sleep healthy: I think I've been good at this

E: Eat healthy: I gained quite a bit of weight and bodyfat this week after an inexplicable dip. What I find confusing however is that ...my body appears different to how I see it. I think somethings' wrong. I have been the most active I've ever been and yet I haven't bowelled as much and I've actually gained weight and bodyfat. something seems wrong, very wrong. I have eaten a few kebabs too often though. I really like Berlin Strasse

 dear diary,

my bodyfat has reached a new low. 29.1% on sunday morning and 29.5% later on the evening. This is the lowest my BF has been on record. I feel like this marks a change in my body but I also feel inside like a different person. It feels good. A bit scary. I feel like as I change there's something I need to let go inside myself, of an old self. 

tuesday 21 Feb 2023 : ABC Please

 ABC PLease (I didn't get last week's done)

A: Accumulate positive experience. I supported my friends at a vigil

B: Build mastery in activities: I'm doing loads better with cycling and runing

C: Cope ahead: I could do better at this, I didn't get all my non prioity schema tasks done over the weekend

P: Physical illness prevention: My bodyfat has gone down

L: Low vulneratility to diseases : I managed my ankle issue by running at an incline

E: Exercise regularly: I did 6 days last week

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: My leisure substance of choice is fast food

S: Sleep healthy: I think so

E : Eat healthy: I have gained weight but lost bodyfat. I don't know what that means. I think its related to my increased running and metabolism.

 Sunday 19 Feb: Things I am happy about today (for Saturday 18)

• I met Naomi at the vigil yesterday (saturday). I have been worried about her for a long time and it was nice to meet her.
• I've been rethinking about how I organise my priorities and how I orient being physical around being in my head all the time. To put this another way I have set up specific targets over the week which I have achieved if I plan it gradually. I cycled 30 miles in the week and 50km but I've exceeded it. 
• This week as part of a way to deal with my ankle pain and gait issues, on the treadmill I increased the incline and increased the speed. I seriously sweat like a mofo and I hit some good heart rates. I'm thinking less about steps targets but keeping an hour and keeping a higher heart rate. I'm thinking about the heart points in fitbit and I'm hitting some new levels and hitting some new fitness. Much of this I hope will translate to a changes to my body.

Naomi said I looked good...I did feel good about that...

abc please: 09/02/2023

 written 0457

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went to the cinema, I am being determined to cycle 5 miles a day as much as possible

B: Build mastery in activities that make oyu feel confident: I can do an hour almost every day on the treadmill, I'm committed ot keeping a higher heart rate

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, I am hoping to plan ahead on events and things

P: Physical illness prevention: keeping fit in concrete goals. I need to do better with eating tho

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - um, I had a blood sugar test

E: Exercise regularly: 5 a week is my goal. I did 3 sofar

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: i had some crisps

S: Sleep healthy - I think its okay

E : Eat healthy: I bought 2 boxes of reeces chocolate, maybe not the best at this

 Recently I have been fixated on mini targets. Small and achievable things. Some things that aren't so small but achievable and things I want to make routine behaviours. Things that I believe will create self discipline. 

This sounds vague, lets go into what those targets are. I'm trying to cycle 5 miles a day. I'm hoping to reach a net target of 30 miles a week on strava and 50km logged on pokemon go. I'm trying to run an hour a day. I used to do more but My ankle is quite weak at the moment, not so weak that I can't do a good run on 6mph for a full hour. I've gone from having 10500steps my goal to keeping a consistently high heart rate over the treadmill time. This does mean I'm reducing my goals for success but it also means I'm more laser focussed on what my achievable goals are.

 Today is Sunday 5 February, it's 6am. I've been up since midnight. 

I've just started watching The Last of Us (HBO Max). Everyone is talking about episode 3. It seems so dark I just don't feel up for watching apocalyptic fiction. The present day is hard enough. 

I bought some cigars just earlier. I smoked on Saturday; I haven't smoked since Christmas. I was servicing my bike. 

The Last of Us just feels too dark for words and totally like the darkness of the present day.

 abc please 01/02/2023

A - Accumulate positive experiences. I feel like work is diminishing my ability to get out, as is my time management

B - build mastery in activities that make you feel confident. I am getting ahead on some very important work, but at the cost of not getting my other targets done. Why is it always hard to keep a balance?

C - cope ahead. I think I'm working on this a bit today, I know that when I work hard on something in a single day I have to recover, usually 3 days to rest and then I'm more resilient, it is affected by having too many things to do at once. I was invited to a reception on Thursday but I think I won't go

P - physical illness prevention. I skipped gym but I also decided deliberately to rest my ankle, I need more time to rest my ankle as I've been running too hard on it.

L - low vulnerability to diseases: eating junk didn't help, but planning and being resilient making decisions that are not based on a template, maybe that helps.

E: Exercise regularly. Perhaps tomorrow I can still hit the 5 days a week target. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. Failed that one, biscuits, crisps and takeaway - twice today too

S: Sleep healthy - that's quite good at the moment and I am all on track to get things done to actually sleep early

E: Eat healthy (see above)

 My hopes for the future

• Finnish my logging
• Get to 100kcal
• get to below 28% bf
• Keep working to achieve these
• Ideal to acheive 45k salary by end of the year

 ABC PLEASE: 27/01/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences. I did a nice committee meeting this week

B: Build mastery in activities. I improved my treadmill pace and my stamina

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this - my diary helps. 

P: Physical illness prevention: I hope to keep active 5-6 days this week. I've already done 4 days.

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: maybe if I eat more veg 

E: Exercise regularly: see above

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, you know I've run out of my stockpile of dr pepper

S: Sleep healthy. I should sleep soon but recently having good sleep quality

E: Eat healthy. I had a few takeaways last week but this week I'm really pushing hard on my caloric deficit. Last week I ate so much I think my kcals went up 2-3kg but I've lost 2.8 of it since sunday. There's something to be said about how its okay to have a cheat meal, or a cheat day.#

 abc please sunday 22 january 2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences, setting tasks for myself in the week like cycling 30 miles a week and hitting 50km on pokemon go helps me a lot

B: Build mastery in activities: I'm improving in my running and keeping consistent at an hour a day minimum

C: Cope ahead: I could improve on this. My paper diary is ...a work in progress

P: Physical illness prevention : I'm not sure how to answer this, I'm feeling really insecure about my hairline

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: Bro things I eat too much meat

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I had a few kebabs this week

S: Sleep healthy: I have been good on this

E: Eat healthy: could do more broccoli. I gained a kg over the week, but i think it could be displaced as I haven't done a number 2 in a while

 writing task: 3 things I am positive about today (Saturday 22 January)

• I did my steps
• I got up early at 7am and I shot out of bed feeling motivated to go to the gym and see the people at class. I feel like its hard to find motivation so it was important to cling on to something
• I hit my weekly target for cycling

 dear diary,

I just wanted to write: I have had my workplace wellbeing contract supplier set me up with 4 sessions of counselling. I don't really think it's useful. All they ask is 'how does that make you feel'. That's not useful to me. Any person can do that. An AI can do that. I get there's that whole thing of holding space, but it doesn't affect anything. I know all of the issues. there isn't an issue about me not talking. The issue is not listening. It's not a therapist who will help. It's the lack of a 5.5% rate increase at work, its the nepotism that is being unchallenged even though the people implementing it say they are all for improving diversity.

 ABC Please: therapeutici writing task

16 january just after 6pm

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I don't feel I've done much of that this week

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I'm doing better with my cycling and running

C: Cope ahead - I've done 'okay' with that today

P: Physical illness prevention. I'm feeling pretty ill today, but I've set up 5 days recovery time

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: see above

E: Exercise regularly: I believe I did 7 days straight physical activity last week, 2 of the days were low energy walking and technically should count as a recovery day. I didn't go hard every day, but I kept active every day

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: does a chicken kebab count? I'm so stressed out today I might have a kebab tonight after I do my 'big task'

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm sleeping well

E: Eat healthy: I had a lot of broccoli today, but not much veg in the past 2 weeks. 

 writing task: my hopes for the future

get all my 2022 logging done

I'm not to ambitious but I think this is just a baseline and I just want this done first

Maybe get through the end of today with my major anxiety task as well.

 My achievements on Monday

I woke up late but I had a full day of work. I finished late.

After work I went to the gym. I did my rehab. I did 100minutes on the treadmill. I hit my steps target, I also had a kcal deficit after i overate on sunday. In short, I felt that running really saved my day and helped me feel a sense of achievement.

It's 3am and I am writing this on a tuesday. Now I am trying to get the nps tasks done after feeling really exhasted after getting him. 

abc please

 a: Accumulate positive experiences: I did some long 3 hours sessions at the gym

b: build mastery in activities: I'm working on getting my average speed up

c: cope ahead: I'm working on this, i'm trying to prepare for situations by writing down an itinerarry of time and how long and how much it will take from me

p: physical illness prevention: I think trying to keep active is part of this

l: Low vulnerability to diseases: having a mcdonalds right now isn't the best thing

e: exercise regularly: I did 4/5 days of my target, but at least 3 of those days were serious quality. one of those days I struggled but that was perhaps even more valuable in terms of building my strength than anything

a: avoid mood altering drugs: i went ot the corner shop for snacks twice this week

E: Eat healthy: see mcdonadls

I am still on a caloric deficit despite the 2 burgers. 

Tuesday 2 January 2023 (ABC Please)

 First post of the year. 

ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I think I need to work on that over the coming year. I met family and friends over Christmas. I've been going outside on the bike but I don't know if that's conflicting with other things

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. Tomorrow I hope to get to the gym and I'll do a class and maybe do some treadmill

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this at the moment, or trying to

P: Physical illness prevention: My goal to do 5 days in the gym

L: Low vulnerability ot diseases: I need to improve my eating

E: Exercise regularly. I went to the gym yesterday but I didn't go today.

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I am so hungry for the desserts downstairs

S: Sleep Healthy: I think I did that

E: Eat healthy: I'm not doing so well on that. 

Wednesday 31 August ; Friday 2 Sptember; Saturday 3 September ; Sunday 4 September

 Friday 2 Sptember

ang. work is triggering me.  

Saturday 3 September 

feel good watching amazon lord of the rings, really impressed. (Obs) mum and dad went to hastings

Sunday 4 September 

phoned empoyee assistance (2). she recommended that i have more balance in life - non work and non pride stuff