Wednesday 28 December; Friday 23 December; Thursday 22 December; Monday 12 December; Friday 9 December; Thursday 8 December

 Wednesday 28 December

train home. pub with eric. german doner with eric. 20000steps . treadmill (4). watching a film about dogs a dogts journey i think. night terrors about context collapse , homophobia and a swat team. of( 2). 

. Friday 23 December

day 2 adapting to new glasses. up all niht. it seems that the google keep problem of reloading the page has been resolved. low attendance at body attack class. extremely dizzy

Thursday 22 December

J invited me to a social opportunity in january when she's in london. On this day: reconnected with P. I knew P as D. P's first message to me was: I'm nonbinary and I'm bald now. This is interesting.day 1 adapting to new glasses. two people inviting me to socials. 

Monday 12 December

(at 2am) lots of snow outside. sleet and snow on the pavement making it difficult to walk . exh after work (did not do nps, it accumulated to tuesday). Avoidance behaviour

Friday 9 December

verry cold. exh after too much socilaising yesterday. spent (340£) on glasses (way too much money. 

Thursday 8 December

7:42 train is very packed: avoid. 

Wednesday 7 December

1424: Written speech before event

Google stadia refund issued for the founders edition payment (tuesday)

abc please (30/12/2022)

 A: Accumulate positive experiences. I met with family and friends lately

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. : Gym and rehab after christmas

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it

P: Physical illenss prevention: cycling to waitrose often

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I need to improve on this

E: Exercise regularly, yes

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, have I done any takeaway lately? Can't remember

S: Sleep healthy: I think I did okay with this

E: Eat healthy - not quite.

Thursday 29December; Tuesday 27 December; Monday 26 December ; Sunday 25 December; Saturday 24 December

 Thursday 29 december

go to gym AM. wake up early. waitrose + buy dr pepper.  cheese and butter is really expensive. pele died today. went to sleep early evening, wake up late evening. therapeutic writing: 3 . tuesday: buy ticket for club night on jan 4. buy neutradol on tuesday

wake up early. deep thinking about my life. night terrors. yesterday 20k steps. crisis continues at work

Tuesday 27 December

social eating. snacking (Morrisons). 10500steps

Monday 26 December 

Polish shoes. Polish trainers . first time waxing jacket. overeating

Sunday 25 December

manscaping : 6. card from vincent £20. vacuumed bike bag. cleaning gloves. cleaning jumper

Saturday 24 December

Friday - Saturday (planning rib roast)

Sunday 23 October; Saturday 22 October; Friday 21 October; Tuesday 18 October

Sunday 23 October

  watching doctor who finale , feeling very emotional and low. up all night

T said we shouldn't be friends anymore- that was upsetting

Saturday 22 October

john oliver programme upset and exhausted me (1:20am). upset by DWP report that I recieved in the mail.  manscaping (6). hockerty - measurement task. booked counselling appointment. handwashing clothes

Friday 21 October

working through thie night. I watched Black Adam. i have hit 108kg weight. trying out barbour jackets. i was trying out barbour jackets in Elys, xl fits well, but L also fits - i'm tempted to buy L

Thursday 20 October

cost of living payment help announced

Wednesday 19 October

 meeting fatigue

Tuesday 18 October

sick all day after 2pm. speak to dirk. takeaway. 500kcal. could not continue with gym as i felt sick. angry

Sunday 18 September; Saturday 17 September; Friday 16 September; Sunday 11 September; Saturday 10 September; Thursday 8 September; Wednesday 7 September; Tuesday 6 September

Sunday 18 September

 hit 112 kg target. day before funeral. yesterday: no rehab. 112kg  weekly target met 

https://pearlcook.myportfolio.com/aa-williams-live-at-queen-elizabeth-hall-170922

Saturday 17 September

weight today: 112.0kg / 33.7%. . Tuesday: I disposed of my old trainers - mum's charity bag. yesterday: i felt my rehab exercises were getting easier, i noticed a difference

Friday 16 September

busy day at work,. set up 3 screen at work. 

Sunday 11 September

yesterday: Broke washer i discovered after all that time trying to diagnose the problem on my bike. buy wd40 lube and degreaser. (!) MCM press pass application submitted. yesterday i got shampoo bar. I am adapting my behaviour to use a shampoo bar 

Saturday 10 September

2:24-1835 working on the bike. diagnosing problem with bike. working all ay on bike. buy hex nut

Thursday 8 September

Wednesday 7 September

licking problem in my bike as i pedel  on the right side

Tuesday 6 September

on this day: jason momoa shaved his head

on this day: Liz Truss first day

 pain in arms

Thursday 15 December; Wednesday 14 December, Tuesday 13 December

Thursday 15 December

 weds: I did not attend features party -the first time I've nnot done so in about 5-6 years. smoke cigar. problems with train getting home

Wednesday 14 December

104.3kg. wake up with 4/10 difficulty. rumination. struggling. feeling a sense of loss. ankle pain after tuesday workout. feeling like social battery has gone down. received carabiner

Tuesday 13 December

 I got refunded £150 for restaurant deposit booking. I am running behind on work .  1710 I am overwhelmed . struggling to make decisions. i am dissatisied by the beef rib roast made this previous sunday. (£) buy beers. (£) buy gin

Dec 21 2022 (Wednesday); 20 Dec (Tuesday); 19 Dec (Monday)

Dec 21 2022 (Wednesday)

 went to specsavers to pick up glasses
delivery was late so they said come back in 30 mins

i used this as an opportunity to cycle to waitorse to get dr pepper.

103.7kg / weightloss

Dec 20 2022 (Tuesday)

sore throat.

104.4/29.7. buy xmas roast (£). treadmill (3)

Dec 19 2022 (Monday)

shower (1am). buy crystalised ginger for mum. 104.7kg / 29.8%. feeling abandoned. feeling lonely. planning xmas tv (monday after mignihgt). saturday: mum told us thatmy cousins wife H died. takeaway doner cave. sore throat (day 2 or day 1)

ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met family, tuesday gym was really fun

B: Build mastery in activities: Treadmill

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on it, not quite there but I'm working on it, a paper diary helps

P: Physical illness prevention: Unsure how to answer this

L : Low vulnerability to diseases. I should sleep soon if I could just clear the NPS

E: Exercise regularly: Even being ill this week I managed

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, except for the work party I did manage to not drink any alcohol lately and I'm working on a caloric defifite

S: Sleeep healthy - all days but today

E: Eat healthy: My BF went up but my weight went down.

 my hopes for the future

• Finish logging nps
• complete relevant encyclopedie tasks on my agenda
• sleep
• have a productive friday
• keep fit
• keep caloric deficit (friday)
• rehab (friday)
• gym class (friday)
• steps (friday)
• cycle to waitrose (friday)
• get on top of my logging (friday)
• get on top of reading comics 
• get on top of reading pdfs
• 
  

 Since Sunday I've been feverish, very unwell after my family Christmas. 

I've been still going to the gym, still going to classes, I feel very fainty and I've been off sick for a few days. I've been pushing myslef at the gym and I've really been pushing my mind to its limits. TO the degree that rigth now I feel like I need to crash to bed frequently. But I'm still setting targets for myself, I'm still giving myself shit about not getting stuff done. It feels toxic a bit.

But something just came to me, on my google keep actually. It's self discipline. It's an acknowledgment that life doesn't have a quick fix but needs constant effort. There's a lot of stuff I need to do. There's a lot of stuff I'm despearately falling behind on and I utterly am not doing well right now, even without this fever. But going to the gym, doing my rehab and keeping to my caloric deficit in the tiems of my weakness shows that in the times of my strenght and wellness, that I in my weak state am showing the strong spirit, perhaps even the stronger spirit as I persist in physical and mental agony. 

It's easy to be the hero when everything goes your way. It's hard to just be normal and do normal when things irregularly go against you. This is the catholicism in me that pushes on. 

Sunday 11 December

 cycling in the snow

disposed of 20 books

changed bedclothes. ate beef rib today. It wasn't very good if I'm honest. (£) buy a carabiner. it snowed outside today. watching The Last Manhunt (December bucket list task)

Saturday 17 December -meeting all family after 3 years

 I've deliberately avoided my family for 3 years. I hear that's called estrangement. My sister seemed nice to me. I dread how judgmental she is. The less said about why the better.

Nephew N is tall, he's taller than his mum and grandmother. One day he'll be taller than me. His voice is dropped. Goodness me, I remember when he was in my arms after he was born. Gosh that was a long time ago now. It was the first time I met my niece Ne, she was so tiny when I held her in my arms. I met the dog B , he was kinda scary and way bigger than I expected. The family dynamic was interesting with a dog. Our family really is some kind of model of British multiculturalism. 

Met my brother's family as well, as well as his two offspring his wife was there. I thought his son was a bit rude, no manners in asking for things, he said 'when are you going to give me sweets?'. I don't judge him, I judge his parents. He clearly learned it from somewhere. Its the first time everyone is together.

mum cooked Xmas dinner. I think years from now I'll cherish this day. 

Things I did today: 

Got free papers, went to waitrose, cycling through common . go to gym in morning 

Sunday 18 December

Sunday 18 December

 Things I did.

Went to waitrose. Got dr pepper. met weekly cycling target. Gy. m, hit steps, got a free paper. wake up early. feeling isolated. did not chat to J or Car today. feeling left behind in life . friday: received metal hammer

Friday: opened up package from friend cartoonist and found my name was mentioned on the book . That felt good. therapeutic writing. tired after nps/encyclopedie/morning work 

'

Planning episode watching o f bad batch

Sunday 19 December

3 things I am positive about today for Sunday:

1. (From Saturday) I had CHristmas dinner with the family and I successfully didn't overeat
2. I managed despite all the things that went on this week I managed to get out on my bike
3. I committed to and succeeded doing some minimum tasks today: I went to waitorse, got my dr pepper, I did my treadmill for an hour and I did my physio rehab. I even for good measure cycled down to a takaway that I like. I'm quite into smash burgers lately. Gosh they taste good

Things I am positive about in the future:

• After new year I'll get some stuff done in the pride group
• After new year some activism will pick up
• I'm hoping my progress at the gym will keep going
• I'm hoping by the end of the year I'll be 103kg or have held 104kg

18/12/22 ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I saw my family this week, I went to a Christmas do, those are positive pro social activities. I also didn't lose my shit. In the grand scheme of things that really is a low bar. I think the fact that it is 8:55 as I type this and I spent some time getting up slowly today and being carefully considered, is a sign that I'm working on improving things and myself and trying to have a mindset of positivity.#

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident, I have not only been losing weight compared to early in the year but I am working to stabilise the changes in my body. It does involve work but I've been putting it in. It's tough I won't like. It's my intention to continue putting the work in

C: Cope ahead: This my be my greatest weakness at the moment. I am working on my scheduling and my card/ticket system (aka lampe) but there's still a lot I really need to do better at in terms of planning. My mind is a literal blank when it comes to thinking about work for instance. My mind is a literal blank when thinking about the future

P: Physical illness prevention. I had a takeaway the other day and my bodyfat went right up even though my weight didn't go up. I could tell of a massive difference. I'm keeping fairly regular at the gym I think? One day I didn't go gym because of two workplace parties after work (I only managed to get to one) and the timing of getting home during a strike and the icy roads outside plus a change to the train's route meant I had to get off a couple miles away and walk some terribly difficult roads and it was 10:15 by the time I got back. I made up for it on the Friday I think .I even did so much activity on Saturday that it offset the amount I ate for family Christmas.#

L: Low vulnerability to diseases. I'm feeling v low at the moment I can't like. I need to sort that out.

E: Exercise regularly. Yeah I think this is covered

S: Sleep healthy: I'm up in the day and asleep mostly in the night. I think not working on the encyclopedia helps. I think not trying too hard to work on my google keep (there is a backlog right now) helps sleep. 

E: Eat healthy. I could have had more veggies yesterday. I need to check my weight in a moment but I think it's been fine. 

Tuesday 30 August

 tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. Cheese and Onion sandwich. Hosting fcross media group in the office today. i'm experienceing distress at work and a lot of pain in my wrists. pub - central station

Thursday 25 August

 preoccupied with encyclopedia. (on this day) Phone call from RNIB. struggling with motivation. Talking to Tiberius at work (barely recognised him). Sara at work told me there's a new bank of 4k  monitors that I could sit on. (Writing this in December). I have since made that my main desk at work. (1300-1400) Unite meeting. Disucssed harassment at Unite meeting

Wednesday 24 August

 struggling. distress (10). very hot today. Message from ...mAY about Ukranian journalist. feeling isolated. panic . preoccupied with safecall

Monday 22 August 2022

113.5/ weight gain. angry (not letting it spill over).  call RNIB (on this day)RNIB will get a caseworker between Wednesday and Friday in the afternoon to speak to me. 

Saturday 20 August

 I have 49k in assets today. ENcyclopedie catch up. watched dragon ball super super hero. Listening to Gibbon. attended careers event on infosec

Thursday 18 August

 exh sleeping all afternoon and evening. RMT strike today

half day sick. feeling very sick today.

Tuesday 16 August 2022

(work) emailing Lisbet about workplace adjustments

Eating: KFC chicken leg,  KFC breast.

talking to Phil about cigars

on this day (2022) better call saul finale

virgin mobile call

> 20th april onwards, my phone is £10 a month'

(Financial0 new phone arrangement 'not a contract'

phone includes 30gb data and unlimited phone and texts

14 August 2022

 upset about J. she told me she had to spend an overnight visit in the hospital.

extreme heatwave effect means i'm asleep all day

Weight loss: 113kg

ABC Please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went to a work party on Thursday

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident. Inspide of the many things this week I have kept at the treadmill when I can, Friday I was too tired though

C: Cope ahead: This might be a weakness of mine, I'm not as good as planning. things happen faster than my ability to plan:

P: Physical illness prevention: I'm keeping warm, I'm slepeing well. I need more time for myself though

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: not sure how to answer this one

E: Exercise regularly: I feel I haven't been gymming much but maybe because Wednesday and Thursday were uniquely busy, so much so that Friday was my exhaustion day

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: dr pepper is my hard buzz

S: Sleep healthy: I'm sleeping a fair amount

E: Eat healthy: I ate a crap ton just now so maybe thats' my weakness, however I've hit 103kg and the first time I've hit 103 in a very long time.

 my hopes for the future:

• I get all my weekend tasks done
• I lose more weight
• I get outside
• I get more bottles of dr pepper

Um.. that's it. i'm jsut hinking the weekend

03/12/2022 abc please

 

A: Accumulate positive expxeriences. I was with friends and family recently

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless, although not much this week as I've had other things, I intend to go out on the bike and go shopping then out to the treadmill 

C: Cope ahead: I could do better with this honestly but I have got as earmarked tasks that I have to plan to accomodate the limited gym opening times during christmas and there are some parties and times in which I need to be in the office

P: Physical illness prevention. Less junk food and overeating? I am close to overeating today unless I go out very soon for some activity. 

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I should probably get out of bed earlier and faster, i get up too slowly

E: Exercise regularly: My goal was 5 gym days this week. I believe I only managed 3. If I did today that's 4, tomorrow that's 5. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, my drug of choice this week is dr pepper

S: Sleep healthy: I've slept a fair amount so I think I'm quite good at that

E: Eeat healthy _ could do with more veggies. I'm on the very border of losing the gains I have made consistently over the past few days. Everything depends on going out right now 

 It's 3:15am. 

Today is Friday 2 December 2022. I have to go to xx father's funeral today. Yesterday (Thursday) I visited the body laying in the funeral place. I saw his mother and we talked a bit. x wasn't there he had to take his daughter home as she was crying. I cycled up to the funeral place. 2.5 miles there and I went to waitrose on the way home. I got some beef shin for a slow roast. 

On Thursday dad went for a colonoscopy. They found 6 polyps. This worries the hell out of me. Dad keeps getting up to go toilet in the middle of the night. Dad's in his 70s. I just don't like thinking about Dad getting older and what that might mean. 

It's really heavy at the moment. The email data breach incident at work after xxleft was problematic. Challenging for me. Lots of people speaking to me and some fear around repercussions. 

All while this is happening I have loads of other unresolved issues. I think my mia  eating problems are coming back. I'm losing quite a bit of weight at the moment. I aim for 2000kcal deficit every day and I try for 1-2 hours on tthe treadmill as much as I can in the evening. I set goals for myself like steps, kcal, cycling or I integrate it into my normal working of the day. It feels like a lifestyle change. I also feel like as I lose the weight my personality and myvery personhood has changed. I feel things I haven't felt in a very long time. 

This might sound odd but I also feel beautiful. J makes me feel so beautiful and so does L and my friends are so positive about my bodyfat loss. I feel like I'm on a turning point. Or maybe that's the mia delusion. 

Oh and on wednesday I was at an awards do at xx street. really weird how my life has ended up. 

02/12/2022 abc please

 I've had a problem with google keep that is integral to how i organise myself, in addition to that i have been dealing with a lot, there's some problems at work . Lets to ABC Please

ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences. I've been out a few days and I've been outdoors during the sun hours 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: i'm working on improving my semi-running so that I *don't* get an injury and that I can keep a good everyday pace 

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this, I'm not the best if I'm honest

P: Physical illness prevention: does changing my gait help?

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: does losing weight help?

E: Exercise regularly: I did Thursday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday and a touch on Saturday. I did friday before then as well. I missed Wednesday as I was at an event. I may miss Friday (today) becausee I have to go to a funeral

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Haven't had mcdonalds in ages

S: sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with this

E: Eat healthy: eating more veg. I'm working on a caloric deficit. 

 Positive affirmations of today

3 things I am thankful for

1. My friends that I grew up with
2. Mum's back from surgery and recovering
3. Waitrose had some decent food in the butcher's deli. I'm marinading some beef ribs for tomorrow; I' cooked pork ribs today, they were amazing

 my hopes for the future

My hopes are: spend more time with romantic stuff, finish my logging, increase my savings, be independent, be healthy, be happy with myself, have a life of my own.

 In the past year I've set up google keep memory cards to remind me of songs from specific years and each one gives a meaning to me or reminds me of a memory. 

I'm listening to 'enjoy the silence'. I remember this song, it was 2007. I was out of hospital for a few montsh and tried to give the doctors and counselling a go. I was doing my finals (early 2007) and I ended up with a 2:i. I spent a long few nights working on my uni work. Between being hospitalised and doing my finals I surely changed.

Later in 2007 after the summer I changed again some more. This isn't really crystallised in a song when I listen to it as a memory. When I listen to a song I think of a fixed immortal moment in time. That's not how time works though. Time is ever fleeting, just as the song fades out, one phase of life transitions into another. Just as it did then it will now.

 My hopes for the future

I want to cuddle again and be close to someone. I want to feel vulnerable and protected by someone, instead of constantly guarded and alone

I want to beat 30% bodyfat and get to 29% and hold it consistently, maybe even get to 28%

I want to hit it hard on Monday, Tuesday and Friday for the gym classes, but if and when I do, I want to integrate waitrose visit as well and I want to ensure when I get home I have enough energy to do my chores and not just faint straight to bed.

I have to get my work done and not get fired

Perhaps for the nextt week I might try for more of the following habits:

1. Plan meals in advance
2. Get fresh air every day
3. Keep a journal of your thoughts
4. Start a savings goal
5. Practice gratitude (this will be hard)

ABC please (13/11/2022)

 A: Accumulate positive experiences - I have deliberately been outside and cycling when I didn't need to or when I thought to myself I don't need to get extra supplies. I realise that its important for my emotional wellbeing to be outside more when it gets dark so early

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - It's been some time since I've properly written in this diary. I have been doing a lot of treadmill lately. I've even gone as far as doing treadmill before AND after I do a gym class. This takes a lot of effort mentally (why i'm not at my desk to do therapeutic writing as much) but it has really improved my cardio fitness. I'm quite fitter, objectively speaking.

C: Cope ahead - I'm working on writing up timestamps for my activity for days ahead, especially gym days and when I finish work. This helps me and it also makes me realise when I wont be at the computer much doing my important admin work

P: Physical illness prevention - I'm eating more veg, see comment above about treadmill

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - except for my overeating today, 6/7 of my days this week involved a caloric deficit so large that today's eating is relatively neglegible - I am thinking about specific and concrete weight targets based on BMI and healthy weight

E: Exercise regularly, except for feeling powerless for not going gym today (I did cycle 5 miles though, and rationally I need to recover), I think its fair to say I'm exercising regularly and I am making it so that my intention to continue this trend into next week

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with this, even though I have trouble sleeping at night I don't distract myself on the computer. This might change tonight

E: Eat Healthy: ummm...I'm eating more veg. I'm still eating takeaway. Is it healthy? I don't know. I tell you what, Idon't feel I can eat more veggies than I am right now. Or else I'll lose my sanity. 

Saturday 13 August

 Anna from work invited me to her birthday - i guess we are friends

Yesterday I smoked 2 4 cigars

buy bin freshener

buy fridge freshener

Chores: bike (6)

cigar hangover

It seems while I was working on my bike I had a lot of ideas and I wrote them as to dos for later on: 

(3) used stickers on new cigar box to hide from the health warning

yesteray: on this day - bought 300£ of cigars , brazilian puros

as part of my desk clear out i went through my essential oils on the bedstand

'(£) renewed Metal Hammer subscription for another 13 issues (a year )

yesterday: distress (I lost my tetradrachm)

Finished doctor strange documentary

1 September 2022

 dad went to dentist doay and got a tooth removed

phone task: update natwest with bonus/loyalty cards

phone tsak: update google wallet with bank card

completed gibbon reading task (learn: 1)

Tuesday 23 August

 feeling unsafe

despair

feeling isolated

feeling vulnerable

(£) Booked ticket to BBC prom

watched brahms, webern

uber home

Friday 19 August

 Bought AA Williams tickets

(HR) upsetting but supportive email

screaming in bike mezzanine

desk from 1130

angry

disappointment

diffiuclites with vision

Fri 12 Aug

 cigar hangover

exh after getting home

pirates (£)

social eating

yesterday off sick

upset after meeting with HR

triggered after meeting with HR

rumination after meeting with HR

new HR manager tells me that an incident in december 2019 was reported and asked for details

Tuesday 13 September

 first use  of new pixel buds

received bike lubes from amazon

talking to dad about braverman

missed classes

Monday 15 August

 (after midnight) i have regained lucidtiy after feeling ill during  all of sunday in heatwave

i broke reflective light pad on my bike as i got home

half day sick

recovering from panic

'this looks like discrimination' email to Beth

Access to work says that I should expect to hear from case manager within 3-4 weeks of this date

mum and dad found my jacket in the box room and moved it, it made me feel an intense pang of fear

 Wed 10 August

resolved window problem upstairs

Received Cigars

thinking about 2006 rumination

comfort eating

 Mon 24 October

further weight loss today (107kg)

W43 2022 (in summary)

 Week ending 30th October 2022 was eventful. Let's go backwards

Sunday: I'm recovering from Comicon. I decided to not go to day 3 of MCM. I did decide to do some gruelling gym and I started doing some dumbell exercises that I've not properly done since the injury or even before. My arm is still very weak and it was excruciating to train. I did 48 mins of treadmill but I stopped when I felt my knee and ankle rolling. I thought I had to stop as I'd get injured if I continued

Saturday: day 2 of MCM. wasn't as fun as day 1. I'm exhausted from Friday and still reeling from the intense conversations. Speaking of intense conversations, J was telling me about the power of an ancient text which seems to reference trans people in the ancient world and how special it is for her to feel like what she goes through has existed for thoursands of years. I ordered the book and I am moved by her account

Friday: Day 1 of MCM, I did some work (I was there for work) and then I went to a fundraiser. I spoke all night to a person about my activism and i got a bit more real than I usually am. we talked about nonmonogamy, coming out, she was so lovely and I learned so much from her. Also I witnessed some amazing drag artists. I don't understand drag but I am beginning to like it more

Thursday: I went to the office. I felt uncomfortable. I went to a lovely networking meeting. I met someone from another media organisation and we had a great and profound chat. I went home in a rush because I was very keen to do my gym stuff

Wednesday: Difficult day with HR meeting. I don't want to talk about it here

Tuesday: Went to the office, went to a media industry meet up, had a cigar, i went home soon after the post meet social because I wanted to do my training at the gym, I got more steps than usual today. I walked home, quickly biked back the route in which I came from the tube to the gym, did my business and got home. 

On reflection of describing this week backwards, I was really active. I'm glad that I lost so much bodyfat this week but I worry that my weight loss gains are reducing. I feel guilty when I eat. I...feel like the old me is coming back in a way I don't like. I also like my old (thinner) body is coming back without purging. I'm not purging but this whole borderline obsession with having to do the gym ritualistically is ...worrying. I guess it helps not being fixated on politics or whatever.

 My hopes for the future 31/10/2022

• Get through Christmas without too much awkwardness
• Get my logging done
• Get to 106kg this coming week
• Keep or reduce my bodyfat of 28% 
• Keep active/manage my agoraphobia
• Maybe have some more socials 
• get my savings up
• Eat healthy
• hope mum and dad keep healthy
• Want the best for my friends
• Want the best for the trans community

 30 October 

ABC Please 

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met lots of people this week, went to networking event on Thurs, met some other industry people on Tues, comicon on Friday and Saturday. Met a nice new person on Friday

B: Build mastery in activities to make you feel confident - I've done lots of steps and I've kept self discipline with calories

C: Cope ahead: I think I could do better. I have anticipated fatigue and I have planned some things ahead of time. But I am not...as ahead or coping as I'd like

P: Physical illness prevention: I thought last week about what my healthy weight needs to be: between around 80kg would be good. so that's me losing 35kg. Let's see how I can cope

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - I don't know how to answer this. I should seek out help 

E: Exercise regularly: check

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I had a couple of takeaways 

S: Sleep healthy: I think I've done okay with this?

E: Eat healthy: I've lost weight even though I had takeaway. My activity level has gone up

Saturday 8 October

 despair

i cried today

cleared NPS 2 day backlog

dnesday 19 October

 I was very sick during the interview 

feeling very low

after midnight i was working on the style guide flat out

Thursday 20 October

 feeling very negative

liz truss resigned today, announcing leadership process

I hit 109 yesterday weight loss (109kg)

Monday 8 August

 low motivation

29 degress today (hot)

cleaning hair from bathroom (3)

coping with anger (not expressing it)

Thursday 11 August

 Heatwave 1/4

heatwave has exhasted me

Tuesday 9 August

 Finished S2 of the boys today

opened my birthday cards (a month late)

My sister put the dogs name in the card

My brother did two sparate cards one written from his son.

(£) buy prom ticket

 Monday 26 September

wearing bowtie

Wearing suit

wearing bowtie and long jacket - first time this season of autumn

 Friday 26 August

a real struggle today 

Therapeutic exercise (thinking about uni days/trauma and positive things)

attempt to create oracle cloud account failed twice

disappointment

feel abandoned

worry at night

 27 August

rinsed and hanged out my boxing gloves and hand wrapes

feeling quite lonely - not many ppl contacting me today

watched samaritan film

 abc please

A: Accumulate positive experiences - Honestly I don't think I've done any of that lately

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless, I'm continuing rehab and continuing work on treadmill about an hour a day. Today I cycled a bit

C: Cope ahead: Not really doing so well with that. I booked in some social time in the upcoming few days 

P: Physical illness prevention: I am recovering from illness. I'm experiencing a lot of distress

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: pass 

E: Exercise regularly: yes I even worked through my illness a couple of days

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, the hardest thing I had was a footlong at subway. I ignored most of the junk food at home 

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with sleep, sleeping a lot though

E : eat healthy - I think I'm doing well for food. I've lost quite a bit of weight in the past few ddays. I should feel happy about that but I don't. I also notice that my body silhouette has changed a lot

 weight goals achieved faster than expected . I was originally estimating 110 or maybe the upper end of 109. I'm on the bottom end of 108kg - so 108 and 108.4 the past couple of days. I'm losing weight quite drastically. My barbour jacket (shirt jacket, not proper waxed) is now looking baggy on me. I went to the department store to wear some barbour jackets and Large fitted me. I'm thinking to myself that when I go and watch Black Panther on 11th November I'll go back to the department store and see what my weight is and I'll try wearing that jacket again. It seems my weight is going down. This new routine of going on the treadmill and avoiding emotional eating is having results. I don't feel healthy and I don't feel happier though. I feel sick. I feel deeply mentally sick and I feel like ...this is almost not what I want. 

 Thursday - Friday 21 October

Things I am grateful for:

1. My health is improving
2. My self-confidence and self discipline is improving as I look and feel fitter
3. I'm starting to believe when I see the person in the mirror, I'm making someone that other people will see differently 

 on sunday I started working on my admin tasks and then I suddenly fell ill. I had an intense fever. Then I got very tired and now I seem to have diahorrea. I've lost a lot of weight, not eaten much, I've still been working out a bit. I cant diahorrea much fi I don't eat much. I had some lovely sausage role snacks last night. I've been working all night it is 4:26 am

I'm only now since sunday able to keep up on my google keep. My tile today for therapeutic writing is: 'self discipline'. 

I've lost a good amount of weight. so much so lately that my silhouette is changing a bit. I also feel like inside I'm changing. I'm still a fat guy but I'm turning into a not-fat guy if I keep up this hour a day of treadmill and good eating no junk food and no comfort eating. 

Self discipline is mental, all that physical stuff is mental. My dad said to me the other day how strenght isn't about in your arms and i told him bullshit he doesn't understand strength, people who develop their strength have mental strength, if everyone had that level of mental strenght, more people would have that physical strength. It's something you work on, its the essence of discipline. The discipline is keeping at it even when you don't feel like it.

I was suddenly reminded of the piano days. 

Lately I hav these flashbacks. I have a lot of very upsetting flackbacks. I believe they are some kind of challenge, I believe these flackbacks come to me like some ghost of Christmas past that I need to re-fight to find my worthiness as a warrior in the present. I'm dealing with some really heavy stuff at the moment and taking a toll on me. 

Thursday 28 July

 arm pain from cycling so much

 wed 27

tuesday i cycled 20 miles, I did the same today an wed 27th. On tuesday I also put my gloves and headbangs in the wash as they were really sweaty and dirty

 July 26

i am inundated with intrusive thoughts

I cycled 21.8 miles

cycled to work (AM)

porkburrito at work

 24-25 July

(3) dad helped me replace the battery in the fire alarm in my room

Saturday, I bought an owl totem after some consideration 

Tantans very upset and I worry about her

Friday 22 July

 I did not apply to the select committee job

I got an email about the dialogue programme at  work

I lost my Totem badge

I'm witnessing people being very nice to Leachy, I feel a bit jealous but not so jealous knowing my burden will be great.

feeling very ...groggy in the morning

struggling at work

I'm writing this on 16th October - I haven't properly logged this day until now. I've been avoiding it.

 ABC Pleease

A - Accumulate positive experiences: I did gym after work today

B: Build mastery in activities: I'm trying very hard to keep to a routine and keeping consistent, in essence I'm working on self discipline

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this - today I wrote things in my diary for upcoming dates

P: Physical illness prevention: I got my caloric deficit down

L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I have had a lot of distress lately

E :Exercise regularly : check

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. My drug of choice lately is Guiness and a footlong sub

S: Sleep healthily - Except for Monday morning I have been overwise good

E: Eat healthy; I think I'm losing weight.

 Gratitude exercise:

I appreciate my family who keep their distance and yet remain supportive and ask no questions

I appreciate the yellow sticker food in Waitrose

I appreciate Mike the technician at the Brompton workshop in south london who made my bike go from clanky disappointment to functioning folding bike

 my hopes for the future: 

• Get my weight down by another kg soon
• Get my bodyfat down by another 1% soon
• Finish my logging backlog
• Plan ahead
• Maybe if I've got all of these done and planned I can ...plan a holiday?
• 
  

 A: Accumulate positive experiences - I push myself on the treadmill and I'm focussing on specific goals with my rehab and fitness and eating. So...I guess that's positive?

B: Build mastery in activities - the rehab is making me get back to pre-injury. It's a really emotional journey but I am working on it almost daily. I have some days off though

C: Cope ahead - there's a lot going on. I'm the weakest at this

P : Physical illness prevention - I got quite unwell lately. Hazard of what I do

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - I deal with lots of distressing and people's personal situations, it means I got quite unwell and I will continue to

E: Exercise regularly - tick

A: avoid mood altering drugs. I am eating a bit more crap than I should, but I'm working on it.

S: Sleep healthy - the one thing I've actually done really well lately, excusing the fact I'm up at 3am right now

E: Eat healthy - I eat my veggies at the work canteen, but I could do better

As well as ABC PLease I have an alphabet of good things to do.

Here's one: Practice gratitude. My mum and dad support me a lot and I have a brother that loves me. I'd be lost without them.

How's that for authentic gratitude, writing that made me cry a little.

 ABC PLEASE 

A : Accumulate positive experiences : I did a lot of gym lately AND worked on a caloric deficit

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: doing my rehab exercise

C: Cope ahead  I haven't been so good at this

P: Physical illness prevention: Gym, cycling, getting to the gym after work and grinding at the gym late

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: not sure how to answer that

E: Exercise regularly : see above

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I'm working on fighting my junk food addiction -- to some success, but I don't feel like I did as well eating those cheese thins earlier in the morning

S: Sleep Healthy: I think I've been doing good with this even though the cold weather makes it harder to get out of bed

E : Eat healthy - Working through it slowly but maybe improved 

 My hopes for the future:

• Lower than 30% bf
• no need to update the encyclopedie
• no more culture wars
• i have time for relationships and personal life
• no more distress and pain
• full recovery from illness
• 80k in savings

 Aeneas Schema: 

I'm about to tally my assets 

Aeneas Schema: I'm reading a chapter of Gibbon now.

So those are two of those targets I'll work on today.

 ABC PLEASE: 

A: Accumulate positive experiences : I've been v active at the gym lately and really pushing personal boundaries inside myself

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I am showing leadership

C: Cope ahead: I'm very weak at this, a lot has been happening over the past few days which has meant more of my effort catching up what's happening and less planning

P: Physical illness prevention: I have not kept to a routine where I go to gym after work, even if I'm tired on the train home

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I'm trying to lower my weight. I haven't 'gained' any weight but lowered? well if I hit 111.9 I'd say I've lost weight but I'm 112.2

E: Exercise regulaarly : check , don't need to say more on this

A: Avoid mood altering drugs, yeah I guess I've done this well. I've had a few sanpellegrinos though

S: Sleep healthy: I've done this well

E: Eat healthy: I've done this better htan recent weeks so there's that, not perfect but ...yeah I've improved this week.

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experience : I went to agig on saturday, AA Williams

B: Buil masteries in activities: More gym

C: Cope ahead: I need to work on this more but I'm trying

P : Physical illness, trying to be outdoors more

L : Low vulnerability to diseases, caoloric deficit

E: Exercise regularly: Check! 

A: avoid mood altering drugs: My drug of today are zero sugar drinks, and kitkats as of 20 mins ago

S: Sleep healthy, I should sleep soon but I've been good at this lately

E: Eat healthy - could work better

 for sunday: 

3 things I'm positive about

• I got up and focussed on the goals I'd have avoided for later, in so doing I ended up getting them done almost exactly in the time I really needed to do it, were I not to do this I'd have protrastinated and thought about the best strategy and not have done it. Let's talk about what those two tasks are
• I did the gym today, at the gym I did the following: rehab workout, treadmill and some weights, I did 90kg deadlift today. My last max in the past few weeks was 80. I really had to dig deep inside my mind to find the space to lift heavier than 80kg. I've not properly done deadlifts in this way since before covid, I really feel like I'm back in the gym lately and really doing the effort. It takes time but I feel if I keep it going it's the start of change. 
• I came to the gym (I'm writing this all backwards) from Waitrose. I decided early on over Sunday that I needed to go to Waitrose really soon. You see, monday is the Queen's funeral and lots of things are closed. Waitrose will be closed notably. It was very busy on Sunday, busier than I've seen it before. I did waitrose before I did gym, which is unusual for me. When I finished shopping I found my broken pokemon go-cha on the floor of the bike parking, that was strange, that aside, i also cycled to the gym with my shopping in the bag and went into the gym. I'm starting to use the gym lockers now, before we used to have to put it on the floor of the carpet in the gym itself, this was a covid era thing and now we are pretending covid is over we move away from that. 

so that's it, my three achievements. I'm trying to work on my self discipine , work on my work life balance and work on my weight, my bodyfat and rehab, I'm trying to work on specific targets and I'm trying to get organised. I've set a lot of work for myself and I don't get it all done. I did however get the above done. 

 dear diary,

my bodyfat has gone down 1.8% in a month. weight down but that goes up and down. BF is harder to shift and its not been this low in weeks.

I've had a new routine lately. Trying tto do my rehab almost daily. For the past few days I went into the office, I have tried to do gym, cycling, steps and rehab after i get home from work, which means i need to not be too late when i get home. 

I'm working towards a better routine. To say 2% bf loss is an achievement in a month is...encouraging. I just need to remember to breathe and one foot in front of the other. 

I'm off to see AA Williams tonight. soon in fact

 It's 2022, it's 4:28 am, I'm working on my encyclopedia, I'm clearing some tasks. I didn't get to do it all today (referring to Tuesday), it's now wednesday and I should need to get into the office soon. One of my flash cards was 'rumination', I cleared the item on it because it's a green day song and that really wasn't in the foreground of my life in 2003. It was in the background but I wasn't one of those Green Day people as my friends were. I thought though I'd see what is on 'related videos' as 2003 memories are always something I return to. 

Ended up returning to 2005. I found a 20 year anniversary performance of Norah JOnes' songs, performed by Norah JOnes band and herself. It's ''come away with me' songs. 

I'm taken back to the 2000s right now.

It's 2005, I walk home (or the flat in halls) from the downs, my back is always sweaty and I feel the drips uncomfortable, my shoes are muddied and the hems of the trousers frayed. I wear baggy trousers as was the style, but find that the back of the baggy trouser gets worn out and makes the front flare out but the back is a muddied battered mess of thread.  For some reason the 36 year old me needs to stay in this memory. It is 2022 and I'm sturggling. HR has asked me to meet on Thursday, probably because I reported an incident to them. 

I'm taken back to 2005, I don't want to think about right now. I'm avoiding. 

It's 2005. I'm listening to Norah Jones. The past feels so attrative and comforting, perhaps because the things that have transpired are so permanent that they stay the same forever. Even the bad memories. I'm remembering the bad memories. My mind is taken back to Norah Jones. I remember Norah Jones because : i lost my sense of self, I didn't know who I was at university, I was desperately trying to find who I was. I didn't find myself at uni, I saw all the other people at uni found themselves, they found their friends, they found their partners, they found their identities.

I was finding that my old identity was like those trousers I wore, worn out and no longer useful or relevant, but like the front of the trousers, I was desperatelyl trying to hold on to some sense of self, no matter how battered and muddy and wet the trousers got as I walked down the downs. 

It is 2022. I need to get on. 

 ABC Please

A: accumulate positive experiences : I tried fixing my bike on saturday

B: build mastery in activites : getting hands on servicing my bike

C: Cope ahead: I'm trying to plan tasks ahead of time, I'm maybe not so good at this

P: Physical illness prevention. I'm doing rehab at the gym

L : Low vulnerability to diseases : I'm trying to work towards a 200kcal a day deficit

E: Exercise regularly :I did more than 3 days this week, I did 24mi cycling . It's not my 30mi a week goal but ...it's close

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: no alcohol but I had some takeaway and lots of fizzy zero sugar drinks. That's my new drug

S: Sleep healthy: The one thing I am in fact doing very well

E:  eat healthy : Perhaps better thanusual 

 Dear Diary,

It's just almost an hour after midnight. It's Friday. On the day just passed by, Thursday, Her Royal Majesty, Elizabeth II has died. It is an utterly emotional moment for the country. It was exceptionally tense in the country. I work at a news organisation and we had contingency plans set in place. 

When I think of the Queen I think of my godmother who died 10 years ago almost exactly 10 years ago. Aunty wanted to watch Strictly and wanted to see Royal family news when she was in the hospice. It was like the quaint Britishness and institutions that kept her feeling stable. Aunty knew she was doing to die in hours but just watching TV even if she couldn't focus, was her way of holding it together. That's what the Queen meant for me and my immigrant family. We came from turbulent circumstances and worked hard to keep the house warm and food on the table. The Royal Family represented this abstract idea. Now with its greatest monarch gone the idea of royal family is basically a generation or two from extinction. Now we just don't really care anymore. 

There's been a lot of whatsapp chatter today. The cartoonist at work did really really well. I did some due dilignennce if there's an emergency supplement. Today's been overwhelming as heck. The BBC has gone full royal. So has the news organisation I work for for that matter.

 ABC PLease

A: Accumulate positive experience: I'm working on my Encyclopedia and Rehab

B: Build mastery in activities: As well as rehab I'm working on some gym stuff

C: Cope ahead: I've been writing tasks in my diary for actions ahead of time

P: PHysical illness prevention: I'm trying to eat better ... but did I do well today

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: unsure, I'm under a lot of stress

A: Avoid mood altering drugs : my weakness is zero sugar fizxy drinks, I'm having a dodgy tooth today maybe this is affecting me

E: Exercise regularly : Perhaps the one thing I am doing

S: Sleep healthy : I think I'm doing this okay? I slept all afternoon when my blood sugar was down

E: Eat healthy? Not sure Let's see how my weight is by sunday. I'm down between snday and Monday, but that's just a day.

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I have been trying to go to the gym as a matter of routine

B: Build mastery in activities - I've got a physio programme

C: Cope ahead - my diaryis filling up with tasks

P: Physical illness preventions - I could do better with calories tbh

L: Low vulnerabiblity to disease - I need to be in less stressful situations

E: Exercise regularly - I've planned 3 days a week and I've achieved this. I've also set a goal for 5mi a day cycling which is more ambitious and less realistic

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - hmm---should I write how many takeaways I do in a week?

S: Sleep healthy - i think this is the one thing I do actually achieve

E: Eat healthy - nope. though this lunch (wednesday) I had some sweetcorn

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsX0IrUtBw (2004 memory - serge lebon, i'm in halls trying to fit in, its October -november 2004 at and I've just started first year. i find an internet radio station for anime soundtracks and this station has songs that frequently repeat and comforts me. despite the pain I feel some comfort in the familiarity of this painful memory that I keep revisiting

 Definition of success today at work:

Got down from 45 to 35 'unresolved' emails. About 2 weeks ago I was on 130. Steadily doing about 10 a day

Did all my payments

Dealt with a sensitive issue I hope with compassion and I'll do some follow up next week

Sorted August Payroll before month end

All did it while I was technically half day sick

 Every few days I set reminders for myself. One reminder is around memories and eras of my life.

I pause for a bit and I live in my head in specific memories, for a controlled period of time and a controlled era. It is grounding and I believe processes trauma and difficulties I had. I also revisit old demons and problems to...think about my current ones

I'm revisiting 2005-2006; 2006-2007. I see points of time, fixed moments and then it moves to other fixed moments, things move forward and then I do. 

But do I move forward? i feel like I haven't changed much in 5 years. In addition I see everyone moving forward in their lives but not me. I have a different burden. I'm doing very different work. Many people will not know the full extent of what I'm working on. j

I've been writing in this blog since 2007 - 2008 I think. I write iwhout context or explanation. Some things increasingly I cannot talk about in detail but I wonder sometimes I the fabric of me is unravelling and I fundamentally change. I suppose we can't choose that we change. That's mortality. It's also the case we can't choose how certain things affect us, like you know, the looming environmental collapse and economic disaster. 

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences : I went to BBC Prom on Tuesday

B: Build mastery in activities: working on encyclopdia lately

C: Cope ahead: I'm writing plans of tasks to do ahead of time in the diary

P : physical illness prevention. I went to the gym on wednesday and monday. nOt only that but I'm planning minimum 3 sessions a week in my diary

L : low vulnlerability to diseases> i've had bad mentla health lately and this has  been a difficult issue for me

E: Exercise regularly - see above

A : Avoid mood altering drugs: I had junk food 

S: Sleep healthy - I'm doing okay with this

E :Eat healthy : I had popcorn instead of crisps. Does that count?

 Post covid bucket list : items complete:

Watch Brahms concert (not exactly my plan but close enough)

BBC Prom

 21 July - something big happened that I cannot discuss on this blog.

All I'll say is: social battery /embarrassment exhaustion /worn out feelign very exposed

 note that i just got paid so it's not as representative.

I've got 49.4k in assets today right now across my savings portfolio 

 ABC PLease - 18th august

A - Accumulate positive epxeriences: I reported something through the company whistleblower system

B - Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: I lifted 45kg at the gym on Wednesday. I went to the gym on Wednesday despite my horrible mood

C - cope ahead: I'm trying to plan ahead in my paper diary

P - physical illness prevention : didn't have a takeaway in a while - or at least the delivery bike kind

L - low vulnerability to diseases: I don't know how to answer that. I called the GP on Wednesday asking to have a physio appt

E: Exercise regularly - see above. I haven't been cycling much but I did manage to do a few gym + waitrose trips. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. Well I smoked some cigars, and by cigars I mean...Rocky Patels

E: Eat healthy - I've lost some weight. I'm 112.6kg .I was 115 a couple weeks ago. I guess that's good? what would be super good is if I either keep at 112 or I go down more.

I've got a new ABC list - some of these are really good. I'll try to do them more. For now I'll end this post.

abc please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences - I'm going out this Friday

B: build mastery in activities  that make you feel confident - heavy bag this week

C: Cope ahead - I'm working after midnight to clear NPS

P: Physical illness prevention. I should do better with this

E: Exercise regularly. - Cycling and gym I guess?

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - takeaway? 

S: Sleep healthy : I'm doing well at this

E: Eat healthy. - takeaway?

Saturday 16 July

 Cleaning Portable humidor (smells a bit)

After the cigar and drinking night last night, I barely tidied up my kit so I thought I'd spend Saturday afternoon, a lazy and hot day, on cleaning out and charging up my loadout

setting up banking apps and nutmeg on pixel 6

tally assets (financial schema)> Plan tv the bbc proms

> Plan radio bbc proms

Wednesday 13 July

 i am very overwhelmed today

extreme discomfort during sleep for heatwave 

Tuesday 12 July

 bought more insect repbellent

x ray hospital appt

Feedback from doctors (positive). at hospital: reading D&D book

Social exhaustion

heatwave

pain in arms
Go to boots the chemist (£). buy deoderant - white stain remover.  buy deoderant - long lasting. buy more suncream. buy insect repellant? Sueprdrug (£)

1120kcla

Monday 11 July

I saw a job email for the APPG and I've asked for some more details with the view to applying for it

 obs : conversation going on about trans pride london

therapeutic writing and futureme 

Sunday 10 July

 post bike overstimulation

i feel i am coaasting in life

angry (at myself). watching wimbledon final. feeling v low

Saturday 9 JUly

 cycling home from soho for the first time (using sat nav). I forgot to bring water to pride. saw a flare/gas canister let off

Friday 8 July

 feeling very drowsy and dizzy from the filter coffee

feeling loved

smoked 2 cigars. cycle partly to work

briefing cancelled .> postponed

Wednesday 6 July

 take covid test

(0800) feeling unwell

covid negative (test 2)

confused positive (test 1)

vomited yesterday

too ill to go to the gym yesterday.

today (onsetvation: multiple cabinet ministers resigned between tuesday and wednesday and it seems a febrile news situation)

Tuesday 5 July

 drunk

received flipper zero. attempt to install device

Pride conversation planned on wednesday

received insoles. changed/placed insoles

8 July 1930 table for 4 booked

very low motivation

mum brought kfc (lunch)

Monday 4 July

 set up natwest on app

Check the costs if I in fact bought the quad lock - I've not received the quad lock mount yet. I discovered that I did not infact purchase it a week ago. Very important that I discovered this process was not completed.  I checked my natwest accounts to determine that no quadlock/brompton mount expense took place. IN addition I realised looking at my natwest spending that I'm really spending too much money. Perhaps tis all the phone stuff that tallied up, perhaps its the ubering and the restaurant stuff. I hope that now pride month is over I'm no longer travelling so much.

Note to self: uber's a bit expensive for me now.

did not have a shower yesterday

Sat 2 July

 Went to pride in london

I lose my watch case

Sunday 3 July

 start using new diary today

polishing boots

discovered foil in my boot soles (worn out insoles)

excited about insoles

thinking about bridget's comments defending a transphobe at work

I feel very attached to my batcombe boots

I found an old woolworths shoe polish that has now run out

I was ruminating and thinking a lot while polishing my shoes

Friday 1 July

 walking around London bridge 

today I focussed on difficutl emails and emails I've been avoiding

Thursday 30 June

 heartening conversations 

Networking event at pride month at a news organisation

went to bar in clarkenwell afrer

Uber hom

 A nice memory

I'm thinking of wirting nice memories because things have gotten to black lately. 

One time Rens came back from Canada, him and the badminton boys got together for a curry. they (stupidly) got an exceptionally spicy curry and they spoke the day after about the 'rits' it caused them. 

It was undeniablyl a happy memory. we were all packed in the car like that sticker/emoji thing of the sumos in the car. 

 abc please 

A - accumulate positive experiences: I met wiht a union rep at work trying to build relationships

B - build mastery in activities that make you feel  confident - I worked on my encyclopediea

C - cope ahead: I didn't do this so well and this is a big problem for me

P - physicall illness prevention - i didnt cycle this week i don think i did well on this

L - low vulnerability to disaese - although i didnt cycle muci, i have been outside and in the sun a bit more

 E - exercise regularly, i did one class and that's about it

A - avoid mood altering drugs, i had takeaway on friday and the first uber eats, but i'm still eating junk

S - sleep healthy - probably one thing im doing reasonably well

E - eat healthy - non

 Goals for the future

• Meet J again
• Meet T as its overdue
• Meet Tone in Norfolk
• Meet Antonia?
• Go to a BBC prom

 

Accumulate positive experiencces: I went to a party for play and broke my 2 year sax drought

Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: let's just say I had some of that

Cope ahead: I'm very weak at this. I have done so much that I have had no time even to react let alone plan

Physical illness prevention: I think my eating has let me down on this

Low vulnerability to disease: My arms have been weak lately

Exercise regularly: I did do a good amount of cycling

Avoid mood altering drugs: I had mcdonalds on saturday

Sleep healthy: I have been sleeping very well

Eeat healthy: see above

 post covid goals achieved

cycling 25 miles in a week

cycling 28 miles in a week

cycling 30 miles in a week

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences - i am doing a lot of leadership lately

B: Build mastery in activities - I worked on the encyclopedia 

C: Cope ahead - i Could do better at this

P: Physical illness prevention - umm, no takaeaway lately

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - I spent some time outside

E: Exercise regularly - cycling and classes, I got 30mi done

A: Avoid mood altering Drugs - no takeaway, but lots of snacks

S: Sleep healhy:  I think I am okay with sleeping, even with the heatwave

E: Eat Healthily : Need more veggites

 ABC Please 19 July

A - accumulate positive experiences: Cycling to work helped 

B - build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I worked on cleaning my tactical bags

C - cope ahead - i'm not doing so well with that

P - physical illness prevention : its a heatwave red alert, I'm not doing so much beyond trying to survive

L - Low vulnerability to diseases : just trying to stay alive 

E - exercise regularly - cycling to waitrose has been my main for m of activity since Saturday. I did cycle to work and socially to the restaurant on Friday

A - Avoid mood altering drugs. No takeaway sofar

S - sleep healthy - not sure, with the heatwave and such. I slept all through the day 

E - eat healthily - I had *some* veggies on Monday. 

Saturday 16 July

 Considering that midnight was me getting home and having a cigar and alcohol hangover, waking up and properly getting up after 1pm wasn't the best start.

On saturday I decided to clean up the mess from Friday. Notably how I emptied out my bag and spralwed it all over the bed. Noticing how so much of my attire and my bag smelled of ash and smoke, I decided to wash everything. I washed all the nylon bags, cases,  tactical molle wear and bike related portable storage in the heatwave sun. I washed it and hanged it out. While leaving the things to hang I did some non priority catch up. I had a fair crack at it. I finished a bunch of articles from vice media. 

I decided before waitrose closed to cycle to the big waitrose (5.3 mi total) and play some pokemon go on the way. I got my mileage in, I'm almost to 50km on pokemon go. I felt a bit good about getting some soft drinks. I bought some cheese twist snacks because I keep eating those from the house. .As I got home I noticed a few tv shows and things are on and so I decided to schedule in my paper diary things like 'the last leg' on channel 4 and I've just as of right now finished logging when the BBC Prom dates are happening. I just found out that BBC proms started. I really want to get some tickets. I might go with some different groups of people, such as: 

• Ro - my enby friend who in recent meet ups has gotten a bit closer than i'm comfortable with 
• Gem - my new friend who lives in cambridgshire, she loves bach and is very passionate about piano and music
• Caz - my friend who is in london on thursdays and we could hang out
• Tones - he's got a gf these days and i'd tip him off for date ideas
• Anyone else? 

Anyway. I'm a bit tired. I 'd like to think this saturday had good things.

Other things happening at the moment:

• Between 17-19 July is a major weather event. An unprecedented heatwave that is a threat to life and infrastructure in the UK
• More transphobia problems at work...I don't want to get into it in this blog
• Met my friends on Friday and had some fun, smoked some cigars, it felt healing
• I was signed off of orthopedic in the hospital. i dont need to go for regular appts anymore
• I wathced episode 5 season 3 of The Orville which had a trans storyline. very current and also very scary how resonant it is for a sci fi

Onwards

Recovery achievements:

meet m

tuesday body pump

5 mi on bike

abc please 13 july

 A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went ot trans pride and i'm working to support the community

B: build mastery in activities that make you feel confidnet and not helpless: I worked on my decision models and logging, I guess

C: Cope ahead - I could have done better with this

P: Physical illness prevention: I think I'm at a caloric deficit and woke up at reasonable time

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: keeping active, cycling more

E: Exercise regularly: other than cycling, I've ebeen outside and I did a class on tuesday

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: not many takeaways lately

S: Sleep healthy: given its a heatwave, i'm okay 

E: Eat healthy:  could do better 

Thursday 30 June

 last night: struggling

Listening to my brother's old album 

Accomodating new schema for when social or draining events happen (on this day)

Wednesday 29 June

 in a rush today

sub-par performance today

I took the train home

But I cycled to work

difficulty dealing with anger

problems at work 

at wokr: upset about the usb cable issue

Setting up new tv watching plans

Planning weeks ahead

Planning catch up (I am 2 weeks late

Tuesday 28 June

 v angry about jolibee queue

upset about jolibee -

talking about pride plans with tai and cass

cass went to see lorde spontaneously

uber to other office

first day travelling without my pixel 3

#

first day with pixel 6 pro traveling

analysis paralysis (4)

Mon 27 June

 hol (no work)

Received and installed Pixel 6 Pro

installing phone (all day)

transfer authenticator from pixel 3

divest pixel 3 assets to new phone

installing app

installing screen cover

install myfitnesspal and other apps

115kg weight gain

barely got much done

Sunday 26 June

 yesterday:  people liking my tuxedo pics on socials

hot tub with J

dinner with J

listening to her music, playing on spotify and listening to her play piano

get home from kings cross 

saturday 25 June

 my social battery is empty

feeling good after event

invited to visit Jemma, I accepted

received Pixel 6pro glass covers and case

 So

My birthday just passed recently. I'm recovering from so many meetings, so many socials, so many things at work, continual sickness, continual recovery from my broken arm, recovery from the exhaustion of cycling over 10 miles in a day. I did some days where I cycled 15+ miles in a day and just under 20 miles in a day. 

On my birhday I was just recovering from everything. Trying to get back on track with my logging and trying to keep organised because there are more things happening that I am able to react to, plan around and prepare ahead for. Anyway I am now just pausing for today and now I'm off for the next few days and instead of celebrating in some conventional sense, I'm trying desperately to get ahead on my goals and tasks and complete things. I think having things to do gives me a sense of purposes but also I desperately need to ... i don't know. Nothings ever enough and yet I'm not achieving enough in life. 

Thursday 23 June

 get home late

wed 22 june

 my phone is breaking ever more

watched obi wan finale

Mon 20 June

Logging catch up (up to w24)

Opened up 2022-2023 diary

Entering key dates in 2023 diary

Achilles Schema: things I've been working on

Bodyfat and weight: I've been more physically active. I cycled to Westminster yesterday and I cycled from work to south london and home at night after a night out. Implicit to this is working on a caloric deficit

Wellbeing target: try to do new things (use satnav to get to hyde park) annd keep in touch with the boys. Achieved. Pro social relationships, I met someone in the pride network, I had a positive (for once) conversation with someone in HR. I was pro social in my work with the pride network and I went to 2 protests and spoke to some speakers at said protests on the 29th

 ABC PLEASE

Accumulate positive experiences: I went to pride and lots of social events. I got some free stuff

Build mastry in activities that make you feel confident: I don't know how to answer that. I did cycle on my way to work from home though

Cope ahead: I'm trying to deal with this by planning and putting in decision matrices all day

Physical illness prevention: cycling? I didnt do anygym. I did lots of walking

Low vulnerability to diseases: bad eating but good sleeping, lots of walking but still eating junk

Avoid mood altering drugs: I smoked cigars and drank a few beers. 

Sleep healthy: I think I'm sleeping okay?

Eat healthy: I'm deifnitely not eating healthily. I need to wrok more on this.

 My hopes for the future

I can take Monday 8- Tuesday 9 August off. I hope to be up to date on my logging. I hope I can get on top of all my planning. I hope I can catch up on my encyclopedia. Maybe finish records for July 2021 and August 2021 to completion. 

 Dear diary.

The past few days have been very difficult and I realise that each difficult day for me needs a 2-3 day buffer which I did not have and will not have. 

Today iw Thursday 30th June. I'm going to a pride network party in the evening, at midday I'm going to a committee meeting

Wednesday was 29th June. 'Not safe to be me' conference. I met some activist friends. I have activist friends now

Tuesday was 28th June. D&I industry meeting plus social after. I went to Jollibee in leicester square and it was stressful as I waited 90 minutes for an order they didn't have on their system. That online booking kiosk thing is fucking useless. 

Monday was 27th June I got my phone and I had to have some security things to do with it. It was v stressful and its fair to say I've put off getting a new phone for a year because of cost and other issues.

Sunday was a day I spontaneously decided to visit a friend in Cambridgeshire. 26th June. First time I've been out of London since maybe Bristol. The day in Watford didn't count. 

Saturday 25th June: I was so exhausted I spent all day resting. Then I decided spontaneously to go and see Top Gun. 

Friday 24th June: Awards event. Also stressful at work. V exhausting and I had some conversations I wasn't prepared for

Thurday 23 June. Difficult conversations at work

Wednesday 22 June - can't remember that far, but probs a lot of pre-planning for Thursday

Monday 20 June - something important I had to do for finances that I've been putting off and it is stressing me out Tuesday 21 meant I had a completely down day of recovery 

Let's say with each of those days I need 3 days recovery. That meant

Monday 20 June was highly stressful and so needed 3 days recovery

Tuesday 21 June was Day 1 of recovery

Wednesday 22 June was day 2 of recovery

Thursday 23 June was day 3 of recovery (Monday) and a new thing to get exhausted about

Friday 24 June was day 1 of the difficult Thursday recovery, plus a whole new set of issues and events that socially drained me

Saturday 25 June was day 2 of the Thursday incident, Day 1 after the awards. I was focussing on recovery and stuck in bed and then went to the cinema spontaneously, that was a bit healing but still made me tired

Sunday 26 June. Day 3 of the thursday incident; Day 2 of the awards; Day 1 after the spontaneous socialising. PLUS a new socialising event. It was nice and relaxing but It meant I was behind on administrative things

Monday 27 June. Day 3 after awards. Day 2 after top gun, day 1 after cambridgeshire date. Also phone ordeal

Tuesday 28 June. Day 3 after top gun, Day 2 after cambridgshire day, day 1 after phone installation. Also a lot of socialising so a new event to recover from

Wednesday 29 June (getting close to present day: Day 3 after cambridgeshire day. Day 2 after phone. Day 1 after Tuesday socialising. Also: Went to a protest and felt very upset 

Thursday 30: A social event today plus a stressful meeting. Day 1 after Wednesday protest. Day 3 after Phone, Day 2 after Tuesday socialising and meeting.

Friday 1 July: Invited to another networking event. Day 1 after Thursday party Day 2 after Wednesday Protest. Day 3 after Tuesday socialising

Saturday 2 July: Pride all day event. Exhausting still and I still need to recover from: Day 1 after Friday even, Day 2 after Thursday party. Day 3 after Wednesday protest.

Sunday 3 July: The day I need to catch up on things. Day 1 after pride, Day 2 after Friday event, Day 3 after Thursday party. Probably still recovering from previous events too.

When I model it in this way, I need to consider creating a new heuristic to accomodate recovery from social and high stress events. 

Also when I think about the events in this way. It rationalises how overwhelming things are for me. I need desperately to rationalise what's going on with me or I'll spiral in a bad way. 

Admission. I'm listening to an album on Spotify. A band that got some BBC radio airplay between 2009-2011. I followed them for years before their album release and mainstream publicity.

And the singer/guitarist was...my brother. 

He was very cool and a different person back then. There's something about this music, that it is stuck in a moment of time. I feel like I need to go back to some past state of myself, because the present isn't doing so well right now. The present me struggles. 

 

This week

hanging around granary sq

hanging around google square

Monday 13 June

 cycling through common

determining whether dad has a fitbit charge 2 or 3

found dad's watch had a broken strap

bought a new strap for dad (£)

take supplements

struggling to contentrate

morning conference (work)

Saturday 18 June

 manscaping: (13)

Planning week ahead

charge vacuum

vacuum up bathroom after

sleeping in

vacuum up bathroom after

service bike (4)

rain stopped me from doing the gearset, chain and tyre pressure

smoke cigar

grenall's pink wild berry gin and tonic

 Positives for today:

• Attempted to do catch up
• Slept a lot
• Not worried about bills right now

Things I'm looking forward to:

• BBC Proms
• British summer
• Christmas
• Parties
• Cycling more
• Days off
• Cinema
• Obi Wan Finale
• More star wars
• More marvel stuff
• My birthday
• Awards day
• Being prepared for things

i will deal with time off when I have fewer things to worry about. 

-- seems like a portent more than a commitment

 ABC PLEASE

A - Accumulate positive experiences - I went to a work party this week, I guess that counts

B - Build mastery in activities - I don't feel like mastery is the right word. I went to a gym class on Tuesday, went to Waitrose a few times on my bike

C - Cope ahead. I'm working on this deliberately at the moment. I'm having a challenging few weeks but I also realise that I have a lot of things going on at once in spite of having a hardtime. In other words, I'm working quite hard to plan ahead and cope that I WILL be having some down moments soon

L - Low vulnerability to disease. I ate lots of junk food so I'm not doing so great at this. However I did eat lots of corn yesterday. I did also Have a yoghurt right now

E - Exercise regularly. Other than the class and cycling, I think I got some stuff done. Didn't go to class on Friday though

A -Avoid mood altering drugs. All things considered I don't think I had takeaway this week 

S - Sleep healthy, I had some off days, the most important is that i wake up early tomorrow 

E - eat healthy - not really 

Recent recovery targets met - 20 targets met

 18/06/2022

pass through roundabout in the commmon

meet chris at work

meet josh

buy meat from the deli counter at waitrose deli

hercules hold

cable pulldown

push up

Wrist curl

Pronator and supinator

Farmers walk

Shrugs

Finish April - Kcal

Finish April - Steps#

Finish May - KCal

Finish May - Steps

W15 Reivew

W16 Review

W17 Review

W18 Review

W19 Review

Sunday 12 June

 wake up late/sleeping in

dad made bbq

Saturday 11 June

 wake up early to have painful BM

(dad vacuumed some of the room)

Decided to go to step class spontaneously

     tv catch up MMA

problem with waitrose app (yesterday)

feeling good (getting used to waitrose)

cycling to waitrose

feeling good (common)

pokemon go

hit 50km pokemon go target

Friday 10 June

 yesterday A asked me to meet 

Monday: received awards ceremony invitation

trying to plan evening with Antonia

(1030-1050) Prep

Fish and chips at work canteen for first time since restaurant at work re-opened after covid

Thursday 9 June

 cycle to work half way

train to work halfway

Cycling halfway to work from Vauxhall station, then cycled home, first time I've done so man ymiles since the injury. 15 miles in  a day.

locked up my bike in the storage downstairs

epic song haunted house Jani limatainen 

exh after work and cycling 

angry email to workplace

1737 paracetamol