Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Monday (Tuesday morning stupour)

Things I did yesterday: Sent off shift list to my boss; did some non priority stream tasks. Did some email catchup (but more to do today). I did a big email follow up about the meeting, prepared for the meeting and chaired it (three seperate things). I Then Sent off an email about doing another book review.


I ate a bit yesterday, to get my energies back. I did 6 little tasks overall. I feel like my activity is overall getting a bit better. But there's more to do!

So what of today? Today I am going to a doctor's appointment. After the little (stupid) stunt I pulled I'm not sure what to think about going to that awful place again. With luck I will have a decent assessment. I think, now that I'm thinking about it, that I might get upset during and after the appointment. I wonder how much I can do that is productive following that.

So, I've got work tomorrow that ends late, and on friday that also ends late. I've also yet to hear from the newspaper people. I'm starting to feel anxiety about it. Yes, I know I got that phone call, but I must assume incompetence as a default. I know I got that phone call telling me it was success, but I haven't heard back and it's nearly what, 2-3 weeks? I also feel like shit today.

I'm not concentrating very well today. Writing these few words and paragraphs about myself are difficult. I find it difficult to even focus on what my activities are for today. I am not sure if I just had a trigger thinking about all this mental health stuff.

I am having a lot of memories lately about the 2008-2009 flat. That was the period that I called 'limbo. The thing is: limbo never ended. Perhaps I'm thinking about it now because the prospect of getting work (even if its temp) from the newspaper is a chance for me to get recognised and work to something better. I know I'm at the bottom right now. I'm at the bottom in a lot of ways. But I need to push on.

Yesterday when I was walking to the committee meeting, I was thinking to myself: how would I feel right now if I was told I didn't get the job at the major newspaper? Now that's really the question that provoked my thoughts. Part of me thought to myself: I'd feel pretty sad. I'd feel like the same process happened again that I'm so familiar with,  the so -called eternal reoccurence. Part of me wondered also: I've made a pretty good pace over the past month (past couple weeks seem to have been busy but not all with job related things), and maybe if I didn't get it, I would have been able to carry on as usual. I was thinking this because maybe I will be told there isn't any work for me and there isn't a chance to get ahead. I was thinking this because, despite the good news I got from the interview, it was only a phone call and I much prefer paperwork to confirm things than a verbal assent from the go-between who organised the interview, but not from the interview panellist themselves.

When I get home I'll have maybe 2-3 hours to do stuff, then its badminton. With Luck, I will be able to catch up on job searching today.I've gone beyond the 'resting on laurels' stuff now. I have lots of work to do.

(reluctantly and tiredly I say) Onwards


note to self: shave before I leave

No comments: