at the moment I'm doing something that's making me feel perversely happy.

 

I'm thinking about all the things I want to buy with money I will hopefully earn one day. I'm writing them in little notes in a notepad that I got from the gym. In each sheet I'm writing one thing that I'd like to buy and thinking about how looking forward to it will make me happy.

I realise how materialistic and selfish it is.

But i cant deny how much fun it is to think about it. It's cathartic almost. I fucking hate that word.

richard, the family friend.

Dear Diary,

Just having a thought.

There's a family friend of mine who is about 4-5 years older than me. I've always looked up to him, but could he be a loser? He's about 31-32 nowadays, and his girlfriend is about 18-19. He keeps applying to be an armed policeman but he never seems to get in, he keeps failing at every noble thing he applies to. He is a noble failure in that he is always applying for very high profile things. He works in a job similar to mine, where lots of guys there are retired or in their 50s doing it for an extra bit of money for their grandkids. I always used to think he'd be a big movie star, he'd always talk about that. He massively fancied my cousin but she turned him down. I always looked up to him, but I wonder if that's just an accident of age.

 

I wonder if people whom I was growing up with, who I was older than at the time, would look up to me in a similar way, and realise I'm a loser.

Who knows. I really don't want to disappoint them. I really hope I make a good imrpession at the Sentinel, and show them how much value I can be to their organisation.

I've finished up my email catching up, except one. I've finished most of the garden shit I was supposed to do. I asked a girl out this week, to see her next friday at an all night event. Gosh its scary. Apparently there will be free wine at the event, and lots of coffee. Fuck, I'm going to have fucked my sleeping schedule up for that. But its okay.

I am feeling a bit of silly anxiety at the moment.

I'm feeling anxious because I'm not sure when I'll hear back from the Sentinel recruitment manager - when the first assignment will be. I hope it will be soon. I hope it will come.

What's next on my schedule...

what i'm doing, what i want to do

dear diary,

what have I done today?

• made a new music playlist
• extensive archiving
• foldering GEN5
• job searching
• blog drafting
• some emailing for garden stuff

What do I need to do next?

• more blogging
• email catch up
• thinking about Sentinel stuff
• write lots of blogs
• plann a reading schedule

what i want to do now:

• Eat

Desk day friday (foldering and podcasts)

Dear Diary,

Fuck I woke up late. I feel less drosy than I usually do. But Still drowsy. I spend the afternoon scanning documents. I found mostly documents from the past two years. Most notably, a funeral leaflet for Eileen's son. I can't beleive its nearly 3 years now. I can't believe eileen's been gone for over 6 months.

It's fucked up how much changes. Bad things happen, and good things happen. It all happens. That's life

I'm trying to make things happen lately. I'm trying my best not to bury my head into the sand. Lots of tasks on my schedule today. I will make this as effective a desk day as I can. I got a book manuscript that I'm yet to read; I've got some receipts to enter into my database; I've got some papers to dispose of. I've been getting rid of a lot of shit in my room lately. The clutter will clear the air, both physically and spiritually. I need to get rid of the past, move forward. Move on. Grow.

Onwards

stupour/desk day (philip glass in the afternoon)

Dear Diary,

I am in a bit of a stupour at the moment. My one 'desk day' and I want to be anywhere but here. I'm still processing lots of stuff at the moment. Things like:

• Job Interview yesterday
• Induction day yessterday
• the composing I did last month
• Thinking about doing more composing
• Thinking about that guy in the hospice
• feeling hungry
• feeling lazy
• garden shit I need to do

 

Just lots of things building up.

Maybe I should write a to-do list. What would it look like? Hmm

• garden shit
• write a blog
• write another blog commentary
• think about a reading schedule for the book im going to review
• fill out sentinel job forms
• think about appyling to that job at the sentinel that the HR manager suggested I apply to
• eat
• think about the next few day

I think I'm having one of those days, where Im finding it hard to concentrate. This is the battle for my mental heatlh. I've got to win this. I've gone through too much to lose to stupour.

I am reallyhungry right now.

About 24 hours ago, I was in kings cross station on my way home. I did an interview and an induction, travelled 24 miles, and achieved a lot in a short period of time. 24 hours later (now), I haven't even eaten breakfast

a good day (Sentinel Induction)

Dear Diary,

I write this as a chore. I feel tired and the biggest priority right now seems to be my bed.

So, what happened today? I almost feel like my life is going to start. Almost!

I had a job interview. How did it go? Fuck knows, I don't fucking care really, if I get it, cool, if I don't, meh.

Then I went to the Sentinel induction day. I've signed a confidentiality agreement so I couldn't tell you what happened with too much detail even if I wanted to. I filled out some forms, they gave me some idea about what the work and assignments are like. They also told us that we are encouraged to apply for jobs internally, and we will be supported (but not given preferential treatment). I am kind of keen, excited about the prospect of working with the Sentinel after the 10 month contract. I must make sure I don't fuck this up

DON'T FUCK THIS UP!! THIS IS THE BEST OPPORTUNITY WE'VE EVER HAD. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO NOT, I REPEATE: DO. NOT. FUCK. THIS. UP

this could be a Good Thing. this could be a Good Thing.

Lets go to bed now.

I ate a fuckload of junk food today. I spent way too much money lately.

Tomorrow is a 'desk day'. Its the first desk day I've had in about 9 days. I'll tell you what's gotten in the way of having a proper desk day in recent days:

• Wednesday: interview/induction
• Tuesday - work
• Monday - hospice
• Sunday - garden
• Saturday -classes andcinema
• Friday - gig/fatigue
• Thursday - work, dinner
• wednesday - garden

i'm starting to have a busy and active life. I'm starting to have a normal life.

 

I'm so close to making it.

so. fucking. close.

Dear Diary,

Went to work, now home from work. Feeling tired as fuck right now. So tired to really have any deep thoughts, or do anytthing. I am going to put a film on my computer, play it on the monitor and lay in bed.

 

Fucking tired. Can't even think about the interview tomorrow

Not your usual bank holiday, not your usual life.

Dear Diary,

I may have eaten too much fast food lately. So what did I do yesterday?

• Woke up late, decided to do something spontaneous
• I went shopping, I bought that shirt from uniqlo that I like, I love those antibac suit shirts, they are thick but also fit me well
• I then got some trousers, shampoo and conditioner, and a fuckload of burger king for shame
• I then came home, I cancelled my music instruction session with my friend because...
• I went to the hospice to see that family friend I've mentioned in previous posts

If I have to go to the hospice again, it will be too soon. It was a peaceful place, a tranquil place. It even had an electric keyboard. Seeing that man's face, was seeing death itself. Its one of those really dark memories that stay with you forever. I felt quite physically distressed as I got home. My dad said that was why I felt dizzy. Its very upsetting to see something like that.

 

The man who I went to see gave me a big confidence boost last year at the wedding when I was  plaiyng the piano. I hate seeing someone like that, he was so weak that he couldn't even close his mouth. Poor guy. It's tragic.

 

So I got home, planned out provisionally this week coming. I have the interview on wednesday, then the induction at the Sentinel. Its all kicking off. I am feeling really tired lately. I am also feeling really sore on my left hip area. I don't know what that's about. I kind of liked that it was a bank holiday weekend. I don't like how my sex drive has gone up a bit more lately. Its generally a sign that I'm feeling better, but it is also very insatiable and any kind of addictive beahviour is bad. I say this with a slight hypocritical bent. Because I'm really hungry and intending to go to Subway right now.

Dear Diary,

 

I'm doing some archiving. I've found a picture that makes me feel really happy. It's a picture of my guest pass from the Sentinel when I had the interview.

I have found some pics that I find interesting on my archives, but I can't make it public. It's funny. I grew up keeping secrets, I was a naturally secretive person, now for other reasons I keep secrets. But one thing I do like, is keeping records, a place where I don't have to be secretive, a world digitally where I can say everything on my mind. This is but one place where I can be honest, within the indexical of anonymity.

almost normal

Dear Diary,

I have mentioned that there has been a change in the working agreement between my employers and the team that I work with. Basically its a good thing: there is potential for a pension and there's more pay. As such, I've been backpaid from April to reflect that change in agreement. The formal paperwork is coming to me soon enough. I'm very satisfied with this outcome.

I'm just about to check my bank balance now to see my bank balance. I have been spending a lot over the past few days. Doing social stuff like:

• Dinner with my good friends at wagamamas
• Gig last night
• (today/later) going to cinema to watch vin diesel and Dwayne the rock Johnson in a not homo erotic way, which will then hopefully result in food and or alcohol. I had a bit to drink last night, I had a cider, a pint of german beer, and a JD I chose not to drink any more that evening, oh and I did havea fuckton of McDonalds.

I paid for it this morning (hopefully) with some good gym workouts. I love the way I completely empty the tank when it comes to doing a saturday morning gym session. I love the positive attitude that the instructor has. It makes me happy, and it makes everyone there happy. I am now thinking about what to do now. I should have a shower, but could I do walkabouts in local shopping centre before I go off to the cinema?

I don't say this enough, but I should say it now. I feel more than hope right now, I feel almost normal. I feel like I'm doing the things that most normal people my age are doing: having friends, going out, being a nice guy, going to gigs, having a laugh, awkwardly not sure how to deal with flirtatious women. Having shameful takeaway on the way home. That's the life.

Things I am looking forward to:

• Garden tomorrow
• Food
• Friends
• Induction day at the Sentinel
• Interview on Wednesday?

 

Just hypothetical: what if I get that interview on wednesday? will I have to give up the role at the sentinel? Start at the bottom at a great organisation, or get from the middle at a startup?

Decisions, decisions.

I need to think less and do more right now. So much to do today. I feel happy, I just want to relax and enjoy vin Diesel's muscles, in a gay way.

Went out to a gig today

One observation: I didn't sweat loads today. Interesting. I liked that.

I also ate a fuckton of mcdonalds on the way home. I regret nothing.

In other news

I'm planning lots of stuff about the garden this week. I'm getting involved more than I would have expected. I feel like I'm rising up the ranks of this organisation. One of the guys said he's applying for some funding, which will give volunteers (like me) some cash to support our work.

In other news, I'm also going to be sent a manuscipt version of a book that my friend has written. I think I'm goingto be one of those guys who will be on the blurb of a book reviewing it etc.

Friday semi-stupour

Dear Diary,

My anxiety has been an issue lately. I think I mentioned how my anxiety was so bad a couple of nights ago that I didn't sleep until the next day! I can smell my penis right now. I think that's a sign that I need to have a shower! Today is a semi-stupour day

 

In other news:

• I got free preview tickets to see a film. I love free stuff
• Induction day next week, also hopefully anotehr job interview
• doing lotso f emailing
• Going to be involved with some mentoring/volunteering in July and August (fun!)
• Great night last night
• Spent last night at a book shop in a place that seems like a beautiful place in my imagination, so calm, so tranquil
• Off to a night out tonight (yay!)

Dear Diary,

The HR assistant who is from the Sentinel has terrible spelling. They are an international newspaper. That is all.

Did I mention I have another interview invitation? I have earmarked 90 mins to prepare for work. I really don't have much time to do all my emails! I should feel positive. I should focus that I have positives. Instead I'm worried about being socially ostracised and punished.

A thing to be positive about: Back payment and pay rise

At work we were told that we are getting a pay rise of about 12.07% to reflect the fact we don't get holiday pay. So pay goes up. The change was effective of last month, but was not reflected in our pay, so we should be backpaid for it. That's nice.

I hear lots of stuff about the economy getting better in the news. I can't comment on economy as a whole but I can say this: I am hopefully in a position to earn more money.

I am hopefully in a position to work my way up.

My records tell me what 'anniversaries' or notable things happend on the same day of previous years. Over June occurs the death of that alcoholic guy - I felt his death was unresolved and many of the issues of his life resonate with mine. That's why I'm thinking about it.

 

Fucking anxiety

Things I was dwelling on last night:

 

• The alcoholic family friend who died in 2010
• my teen years
• my sense of isolation during my teens
• if I had any real problems before I had depression
• the anxiety I felt in second year of uni
• Marie

Things that I would refer to as 'the dark stuff'

anxiety is lack of concentration

Dear Diary,

Lack of concenteration is when you have so many thoughts in your head, so many things to do, you end up dwelling on how much you have to do instead of doing it.

Trying not to do that now.

Dear Diary,

I seem to be doing a lot of emotional processing today. Ionia said it would be a good idea to keep doing this blog to write my thoughts out. To have a vocabulary and a means to express myself. Currently I am putting in my shifts for June. Also thinking about if I might need to cancel it. I am also thinking about the pension scheme at work - would it be worth doing? I don't know if it is or isn't

midday anxiety (Schubert in the afternoon)

Dear Diary,

 

I'm putting in my shifts for June. I'm catching up with emails. My anxiety is blighting my sense of positive feeling. There are many things I should be positive about. Instead I feel physical discomfort and a sense of guilt. Why do I always feel guilty? I don't understand what I should feel guilty about.

I am currently listening to Schubert's Piano Sonata 21. First movement. I like Schubert. I need to admit when I don't know about stuff.

That woolich situation is making me feel very sad. I sincerely hope the terror alert doesn't go up at work. Fuck. It probably would.

I need to focus on the good stuff - there's so much to look forward to. job interview on Wednesday, induction with the Sentinel on Wednesday. Going out for dinner today with my two best friends, going to a gig tomorow with another of my oldest and bestest friends.

Fucking anxiety its killing me.

the woolich incident

There's another thing I want to talk about.

Yesterday I was doing some volunteering with kids and a significant number of people (including the teachers) were from the islamic community. We were getting involved with those kids to help them learn about nature, enjoy the outdoors and have a bit of fun. When I got home I saw some news about an 'Attack' in woolich, I didn't think anything of it, I rested in bed, went to balance class and then when I came home, the people at the news were talking about this incident being a terror attack.

Then I see a video of that guy talking with bloodied hands. What a sick bastard, he's aware that people are going to take videos and he allows it. I didn't know terrorists had such PR ability. I think the public were mystified.

I've been following the news a lot over the past 12 hours. I've spent one of my jobs working to improve community relations. Part of my volunteer work is to improve  community relations, where I live in london, the islamic community is a very specific group of people who are usually hard to reach that we are making very good strides to make relations better and create an attitude of shared space and having a stake in places we share and the lives we lead in the same space.

I know I don't really get political on this blog but it really upsets me what happened yesterday and it puts what I do as community work in context. In other news, two days ago I have put myself up to do some mentoring and community work over the summer. The project manager said I have good background to be in a position to help these teenagers. Fuck, I still feel like a teenager. I feel weird looking like a grown up to those kids. Maybe I should grow up.

I like doing the community and volunteer work. I live and work in a situation where I can't be overtly political. It worries me hearing about this stuff.

anxiety keeps me up

dear diary

I had anxiety during the night, which affected my ability to sleep. I am unsure if I even went to sleep. I hate physical anxiety.

To repeat something that was discussed before: I've talked about how depresion is past oriented, and anxiety is future oriented.

Its more comfortable to be past oriented, and less so to focus on the future.

I need to try and focus on the future. One thing that I like to do is focus on imaginary worlds, and there are a few staple things that I imagine. I imagine a world where past versions of me are around and we do stuff together, usually working together or against each other.

So what's the plan for today? I'm off to work later. I'll head off from 1:30. I also am going out after work. I should buy a birthday card. I should do some emailing. I've been invited to a job interview (office manager). I think yesterday was blighted by fatigue after the garden.

Brain not too lucid right now.

Things I did on tuesday:

• Job searching
• Sent 1 job applicaion
• Email tasks for garden
• Emailed about a volunteer mentoring scheme
• Purchased Earphones
• Badminton

Then I was in a stupour

C A L M

Dear Diary,

It's a bit hard to look forward right now. It's the anxiety of uncertainty about The Sentinel. I'm trying to make another job application today. Hopefully we'll see how this goes. I have about 2.5 hours to do stuff today. I've not been productive at all lately. I think it's been a month since I've sent a fucking job application!

 

Fuck! Fuck Fuck!

C A L M - Antonia used to say that to me. She loved me. I was talking to a friend last night, gossiping about girls as it happened (she's a girl), and she asked about my ex, it kind of upset me. To tell my friends she married someone else.

I don't have her around anymore. I just have mia. That makes me sad.

I haven't heard anything from the Sentinel in a week

Good Afternoon

 

My challenge today is motivation.

I've not heard back from the Sentinel people. Part of me has a fear, the fear I won't actually hear back from them. All that effort and even being given an approval from them, and then suddenly, it dries up. Its that kind of lack of communication that I grew up with and learned to take for granted, its that attitude my dad taught me that I should never follow up and just accept the world as it is: shit.

 

As succh, not hearing back from the recruitment manager is bringing up some very uncomfortable and challenging feelings. I really shouldn't have looked at Threads (that nuclear war film) again. Fucking hell, I was just reading an article by David Mitchell (of Peep Show fame, not the novellist), where he mentions it once and suddenly it feels icky. I always have a compulsion to watch it. Fucking hell, why can't I just let it go.

 

Distractions aside. I need to focus. I need to focus on tasks today. I need to be single minded. I've sent two emails. I sincerely hope I hear from her. I really want to work. I really want to work for the Sentinel. I really want to don a suit and work for that major newspaper as a temp with no guarantee of work or aspiration.

Please, fucking let me work. Please let this work.

Today it's kind of hard for me to not be preoccupied with this. I'm going to try and concentrate on other tasks today. If possible.

Perhaps I might have some breakfast to allay my thoughts.

Also, food is good.

Foodwards!

I need to look back before I can move forward

Dear Diary,

I read somewhere today that depression is an obsession with the past; and anxiety is trying to deal with the future.

Today I've been in my head quite a bit. Scanning all those documents - reflecting on the past. In order to scan to documents, I had to tidy up a load of things that cluttered my room to make a space clear enough for scanning. I have a printer and scanner that I got from the disability student allowance. That printer is no longer useful to me. I wanted to get rid of it. I haven't yet. I want to get rid of it. I have memories in that printer (it printed my dissertation and many other essays), and I don't want to own it anymore. I don't want that burden of all those memories.

I want to move forward. For the past week I've been experimenting a new method of working on my computer, of a dualscreen.

Lets review what I've done today:

• Foldering
• Feedly catchup
• sent email to Sentinel
• Recieved extra shift
• Job searching
• Pilates

So today is a 6-activity day. High achieving? I don't know. I do know this: I've done something I've meant to do for a long time. More to do. I've done a lot of looking back today. I need to look back before I can move forward.

Onwards.

A review of today

Things I have done today:

 

• Job searching
• Feedly catchup
• Sent email to the Sentinel asking if they have recieved my email last week
• Recieved Extra shift at work (on Thurs afternoon)
• Foldering (which I've talked extensively about today already)

Things I have yet to do:

• Gym class?
• Gardening email task

Things I need to do now:

• Eat
• Tidy up room
• Shave
• Get gym gear together

One of my dear friends is in the UK this week. We are planning to do some gym with her. This is what I have to look forward to, today. Now, I go off to continue my life.

I hope I'm letting go.

Gen 5 (.1; .2 complete)

Today was hard - and doing GEN 5 over the next few days and weeks will only be just as hard, to review all these memories. I've resolved to finish this as soon as I can. However, 3+ hours of filing and scanning is enough for one mortal such as myself.

I'm going to tidy up the room. Now I'm going to think about clearing up the room, I'm going to think about other ways in which I can clear up my room. I need to get rid of my Xbox 360 that doesn't work, for example. I need to get rid of my old printer. It's just waste, clutter. I don't need it. I want to just get rid of stuff I don't need. I need to be free of the clutter. I need to be free of the memories: free of the past.

So what am I doing now? I'm taking a pause. I'm going to think about writing a review of what has happened today. This shall be my next post...

JCP job search record

ever since I was hospitalised, I had an obsession with keeping records. I am currently scanning the data sheets that I used for the JCP that I kept for my job searching and applications. Some fucking good it did for me. I used it as a basis for the way I organise my schedule now. It is actually a very core principle for how I have developed my current scheduling system.

I keep and scan these records, of darker times, to remind me of what it has done for me now.

stuff i'm doing right now (GEN5)

• listening to lovecraft story
• scanning documents
• feeling hungry
• thinking about going to the gym later (my main motivation)
• thinking about the past

 

I'm remembering all the stuff in 2009-10. All the job centre shit. There's a girl I'm involved with in the volunteering who works at the job centre, and it kind of reminds me of my experiences being unemployed. I am so close to not being unemployed, and almost having a temp job, and money coming in. I am re-living my memories as I scan this shit. I want to get rid of these documents sooner.

 

I'm also thinking that maybe I should not go to the gym today. If I had a rest day and just focussed on some tasks, then maybe I will get more done. Thinking rationally, it would also be a good idea to avoid doing gym all the time and focus on healing my body so I can fight another day.

 

I'm living around too many memories. Scanning GEN5 is something I've been meaning to do for a very long time. I've got to do this. I'm going through all the documents from when I was with REED in partnership. Fuck, dark days. I wonder how the REED people are doing now?

GEN5 (listening to 'The Shadows over Innsmouth' - lovecraft audiobook)

Dear Diary,

I woke up, had a wank, had some lunch.

I put on Game of Thrones. I had a think. I am now doing what I call 'foldering'. I am archiving documents that go back to about 2009. I have put together what is called a General (GEN) folder, which is then schematised into other subdivisions. I have constructed a GEN 1, 2, 3 and 4 folder. I am now compiling GEN5.

GEN5 is something I've been meaning to compile for a very long time (since 2009!). I've always made excuses not to do this: it's not a priority I thought to myself; I have job searching; its too upsetting. Maybe the real reason for it was that I was unwilling ot let it go. I'm scanning documents, documents I never want to look at again.

The psychiatrist was right. I am holding on to a lot of things. Holding on to memories, feelings, and literally, the relics of the past.

It's time to let go.

Onwards

Black Metal in the Morning

Dear Diary,

My musical preferences seem to be very diverse. I was quite enjoying Diana Krall this week. Then last night I was thinking about listening to a lot of black metal and north african folk music. There's a black metal blog that talks a lot about the influential role of local music in areas like morocco. I wonder if there's an authenticity angle about it.

So I wake up, I had a shit. I'm staring at the computer. I think today is not going to be very much of a desk day. I'm going to the garden, then I'm going for pizza with a family friend. It's his birthday. It's a damned good friend of mine, like a brother in fact. He's a good guy, he's nice to my niece and nephew. I should find out if he's got a card.

I feel like I have something profound to say, but I can't think right now. I feel like I've been lazy this week. It is fair to say that I've been working on things that otherwise I wouldn't have if I put everything off. However I am still not active enough!

Onwards. Today is a rest day but also a physical day. Active rest, as my badminton buddy say.

Today I did a double session at the gym. I was less broken compared to last week. But still exhausted. Getting home I slept for 4 or so hours.

Then I did some reading.Eurovision was fun. Tired now, less articulate than I want to be. More stuff to do tomorrow. Still haven't heard from The Sentinel.

I remember when they laughed at the kid with hi-tec trainers

Dear Diary,

Woke up pretty late today. Not feeling as wrecked as yesterday, but still tired.

Today my task for the day is to think about getting some gym gear. Particularly, shoes for badminton and gym training. My ones from 2011 are really beaten up and have seen better days.

Something on my mind which has just come to mind. Back in the day when I was a kid in the 90s, I remember how kids would judge people for the brand of trainers they have. Part of me is wondering if that part of my head and very silly thing is still there as an adult. I do feel a little bit peer pressured about Nike's because cute attractive gym bunny lady has all nike gear and she's always fabulous and functional, also she has a lovely all-black thing going on. Trainers which have lots of weird fancy neon colourings seem to be all the rage at my gym lately.

Need to get some new trainers pretty badly. I might even get two. I am also thinking about getting other things like shorts.

I've started thinking about spring cleaning half way into spring, I've been clearing up odd little things, however I do think clothes are something I need to let go of.

The psychiatrist had a good point: I might have trouble with letting go. I want to let go of my clothes. The clothes that remind me of the past. A past for some reason I am holding on to with such unreasonable fervour. I seem to be holding on to the past clothes because the clothes of the more further past are something I don't like.

Well, Now that I have a bit more money lately, I can think about updating the wardrobe a bit. I'm a bit worried that I haven't heard from the Sentinel people yet. Am I going to get any work? They said the hotdesking temp scheme isn't a guarantee of work. I'm starting to get worried now.

Dear Diary,

 

Today I did two gym classes, and managed a lot of fatigue. I felt really tired today. Perhaps because of Work. I cancelled the shift on friday (gave it to another guy) and I think I will focus on just trying not to be tired.

Hoping to hear from The Sentinel soon..

Really glad I did that gym class. Now my body is wrecked, however

Dear Diary,

Off to work. I'm feeling surprisingly chipper. Maybe this feeling will hold until 1am! It's going to be a long one tonight.

I've done job searching but only casually today. I've not been taking things too seriously since getting that email from the 'major newspaper' (I need to make up a new name for it!). Lets call it The Sentinel, like the newspaper fromt he tv show, Boss.

Onwards to work. Gotta earn me some travel money

Midday thoughts of optimism.

Dear Diary,

So I am doing some job searching. I feel suddenly that my life has gotten a little bit more respite. I'm looking at Linkedin. I'm kinda feeling depressed, but also magnanimously happy for the people I see on it. A woman at the garden is on my suggested links. I kinda like her, in a possibly fancy sorta way. But also a I like her values and moral outlook kind of way.

 

I feel really drawn to people of moral compass, like feminists, activists, campaigners and the like. I guess I see a part of them that I wish I had.

I'm thinking about that date girl from a couple weeks back, the one who I went out with after the *major newspaper* interview. I can't think of a name for her for blog purposes, lets call her Ionia. Ionia said that there is definitely no romantic potential between us, since she is officially gay now, but she thinks I am interesting enough to be friends with, and she likes chatting with me. I like chatting with her too. I don't want to say good bye to her. I think she's really awesome. Maybe its alright if I'm not in a relationship-sexual type thing with Ionia, but I do very much enjoyed how open I can be with her. Something about her reminds me of Marie, I know I shouldn't say that.

 

I'm going to write a list: Things I am looking forward to:

• Working at the newspaper
• Money
• Garden stuff
• Life
• Getting mental health support and learning to trust again
• Going to the Gym tomorrow to do a double session, and then another double session on Saturday, and then a garden session on sunday (which makes my activities number to 6 things!

I've also been invited out by a guy - from fetlife, to see an art exhibit.

hungry at 1134

i think i have talked about that time when I got the creative zen mp3 player in the mail, and when i was so depressed i just jumped out of bed to get it. I've re-told the story so many times, i think it was actually about the computer i was sent.

i got a nice package in the post. Hand wraps, black, and a book on music. It cheers me up. So I'm feeling hungry as shit today. I'm going to sneak to the corner shop and get some food to fill my belly. Very hungry!

!!! talking to psychiatrist

Talking to the psychiatrist today about my history, the incarceration, my purging behaviours, my anxiety, my anger, my family, the alcoholic family friend. I wanted to talk about how my dad doesn't talk to my sister. I talked about how my family estranged my cousins and aunt when my uncle died. I talked about my paedo teacher.

The psychiatrist seemed to be really keen on finding some helpful option for me. I said I trusted him. I meant it. I also showed how I was recording the conversation, he asked if he could have a copy of the recording, I said no. I still don't trust them.

In other news:

 

"although there's clearly no romantic potential for us, i'm more than happy to be your friend"

 

What a strange thing to hear. Well I'm glad that I have another friend that I can be myself with. It's sort of like one of the activist groups I am friendly with: I can be myself with them, without any masks.

Although I think I do have to wear a mask.

Back appointment

 

I think it went well. However. Going to eat some junk food now.

 

I know its emotional eating

I think its disingenuous of me to say that I'm thinking about the future at the moment. Many of my thoughts seem to be past-oriented this morning. I'm becoming aware of it, and a little concerned. I guess I'm dreading this psych appointment. Not for what it will be, but for what they used to be.

Monday (Tuesday morning stupour)

Things I did yesterday: Sent off shift list to my boss; did some non priority stream tasks. Did some email catchup (but more to do today). I did a big email follow up about the meeting, prepared for the meeting and chaired it (three seperate things). I Then Sent off an email about doing another book review.

 

I ate a bit yesterday, to get my energies back. I did 6 little tasks overall. I feel like my activity is overall getting a bit better. But there's more to do!

So what of today? Today I am going to a doctor's appointment. After the little (stupid) stunt I pulled I'm not sure what to think about going to that awful place again. With luck I will have a decent assessment. I think, now that I'm thinking about it, that I might get upset during and after the appointment. I wonder how much I can do that is productive following that.

So, I've got work tomorrow that ends late, and on friday that also ends late. I've also yet to hear from the newspaper people. I'm starting to feel anxiety about it. Yes, I know I got that phone call, but I must assume incompetence as a default. I know I got that phone call telling me it was success, but I haven't heard back and it's nearly what, 2-3 weeks? I also feel like shit today.

I'm not concentrating very well today. Writing these few words and paragraphs about myself are difficult. I find it difficult to even focus on what my activities are for today. I am not sure if I just had a trigger thinking about all this mental health stuff.

I am having a lot of memories lately about the 2008-2009 flat. That was the period that I called 'limbo. The thing is: limbo never ended. Perhaps I'm thinking about it now because the prospect of getting work (even if its temp) from the newspaper is a chance for me to get recognised and work to something better. I know I'm at the bottom right now. I'm at the bottom in a lot of ways. But I need to push on.

Yesterday when I was walking to the committee meeting, I was thinking to myself: how would I feel right now if I was told I didn't get the job at the major newspaper? Now that's really the question that provoked my thoughts. Part of me thought to myself: I'd feel pretty sad. I'd feel like the same process happened again that I'm so familiar with,  the so -called eternal reoccurence. Part of me wondered also: I've made a pretty good pace over the past month (past couple weeks seem to have been busy but not all with job related things), and maybe if I didn't get it, I would have been able to carry on as usual. I was thinking this because maybe I will be told there isn't any work for me and there isn't a chance to get ahead. I was thinking this because, despite the good news I got from the interview, it was only a phone call and I much prefer paperwork to confirm things than a verbal assent from the go-between who organised the interview, but not from the interview panellist themselves.

When I get home I'll have maybe 2-3 hours to do stuff, then its badminton. With Luck, I will be able to catch up on job searching today.I've gone beyond the 'resting on laurels' stuff now. I have lots of work to do.

(reluctantly and tiredly I say) Onwards

 

note to self: shave before I leave

Dear Diary,

 

Where the fuck has the day gone? I've done mostly non priority stuff, planning the week ahead, sent off shift list to work. I had some food and took a break, recovering my mind and resting a little which involves watching lectures and episodes on my lovely 2nd monitor that I got for free.

 

So Now I'm planning a meeting that I'm supposed to chair.

 

Also I am constantly thinking about food. My colleague at work points out to me how I am constantly thinking about food, like friday fish and chips. Hmmm, fish and chips!

weird dreams, and living hope

My dreams:

 

I had two really weird dreams. One was a panic-inducing dream where I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, both during the dream and when I was awake. Another dream was really weird. I was in the old house I used to live in and talking to my flatmate, as I was packing everything up to go back home. We were talking and for some reason it was my boss at work who was my flatmate, channelling another actual girl I used to live with (who apparently works for a bank now! - despite being qualified as a primary school teacher).

In this latter dream, I was explaining how over the past two years I had been working in events at shambly arena and I am just about to start a job in 'human resources' (which is factually incorrect) with a major newspaper. The housemate seemed to pity me. Then I went into a room which was the living room, but it resembled an exhibition hall for a conference, but not exactly the conference hall that I work in. What a weird dream - I think the dream symbolised me letting go of the past - or something.

 

I woke up today thinking about the future. I never think about the future, I never look forward. I'm so often looking back. Do you know what I'm thinking about today? I'm thinking about the stuff I bought on Ebay, hearing back from that newspaper for work, I am looking forward to chairing the meeting tonight and being all responsible and adult. I am looking forward to doing the gym this week. I am looking forward to living.

I have just a little bit more hope now. I am not resting too much on my laurels today. I'm doing some minor tasks, well, its a big backlog actually. But I'm just going to graft all the way through it for about the next 5 hours straight. I might put in my VGA monitor to watch GoT while I'm doing so.

 

ONWARDS!

dear smartphone..

...happy anniversary. We've been together for a year. I was so happy when I first got you, and you continue to be a toy of interest for me.

May the one that surpasses you give me equal joy or more.

 

Today I did fun garden stuff, I talked to a nice lefty vegan activist feminist type, who has a nice boyish haircut. Which is a nice contrast to me, the ethnic minority macho-butch, former lefty quasi environmental male feminist with academic aspirations. Oh yeah, she has academic aspirations too. I felt like I was being teachy today, because I showed her how to throw a spear into the ground. Don't use all your strength, throw it down, it's not about hitting it on the ground, its about impact. What unusual things to say. I love being in the garden, the best thing I like about it is how I'm allowed to be musical on my own in the corner.

 

So tomorrow I have to chair a meeting. I feel weird about it. In a way its not my first rodeo (to quote nick fury). I feel like I'm reconnecting with myself. In so many fundamental ways, with the person I was; the person I am, and the person I'm going to be. To experience this is a beautiful thing

Things I did on saturday

I woke up. I knew that I wanted to go to the gym, even though my back felt like shit. I got up and thought to myself: why! Then I thought about the cute girl at the gym who sometimes looks at me and smiles. Needless to say I packed my water into my bag 2 minutes later. I did two classes. Body Pump and then Body Attack. I bought a book in the morning too, it was something I thought was a treat for myself after the good news I got a couple days ago.

I felt that I could not rest on my laurels for long and I had to get on. I did those two classes and I was so exhausted and broken and strained, that the trainers could tell something wasn't right with me that morning. I got home, I bought some food. I ate in a binge eating manner. Two sandwiches, lots of ice cream, and other such junk foods. I really binged hard. As soon as I finished, I had a shower and then I had to do tutoring for 3 hours for a girl who has an exam on Monday. The tutoring went fairly well. I'm actually surprised it lasted so long and I had enough to say. After tutoring I had a wank, and felt satisfied not just at my orgasm, but at the fact that I earned some money. I realyl do want to make money, I'm hungry for it. I just need to find people who are willing to pay, and people who are willing to take me on.

So two tutoring jobs this week, that kind of makes up for the dirth of what was the past fucking year! After Lucy, my most previous regular tutoring job in 2011-2012, graduated, I didn't get much interest. I sometimes got emails from one person who kept emailing me about stuff but never followed through. I kinda think that she wastrying to blag it, that fucker. So after I finished tutoring I kinda lazed around a bit. I made some lemonade for the garden picnic and I also ate a little. Then I played Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, which is the funnest game around right now. I listened to some audiobooks as I played.

 

So tomorrow, what's planned? Garden stuff, having fun at the garden, thinking about the rest of the week, and maybe resting my body, and my laurels.

I feel so tired, I have been pushing my body if not my mind lately. I need rest. I need relaxation. Maybe if I can afford it, I could go on a holiday. Boy I'd love that. Maybe a holiday that involves sex. Oh that would be perfection. Having some nice food will go well too. Hmm, aspiration porn - well the only thing that counts as my aspiration porn right now is a book on Adorno and buying some boxing hand wraps.

 

Must sleep for tomorrow. I'm excited!

So when it happens, I really don't know what to say: I passed an interview!

Dear Diary,

I might talk about the past couple of days:

Tuesday

• Examined a PhD opportunity
• Did some archiving
• Badminton
• Did a tutoring assignment (that netted me £50). However there were some problems with the tutee - namely, her essay was a definite fail if it didnt need any serious work on it. The tutee though I was going to write her essay. That's not what I do. Not for £50

Somehow this seemed more than I thought I did

Wednesday

• I recieved monies for another tutoring assignment £100. Very nice! I'll do that job on saturday
• More archiving (does this count as a legit task?)
• Recieved extra shift at work - a short 3 hour one
• Shift at work, from about 8am to 2:30. Had a nice breakfast. My colleague is off to Latin America to create a social enterprise. 
• Had a hard think about getting a hair cut. I got one. It's really short, but still kinda andro-chic
• Went to body balance class.

As soon as I got home, I bought a new video game and started playing it. I had lots of wanks and just relaxed a bit.

Thursday (morning and afternoon)

Woke up with a phone call. Didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. I got another call later from a mobile number. I then realised it was from the people from a company I shouldn't name. I called them, and then the nice lady told me something like: I'm here to tell you about the interview result from the Major Newspaper.

Fuck. I thought to myself. I didn't get it, I know it. It's always the same with these fucking things.

I'm please to tell you that the [newspaper] are interested in you and want to put you into their talent pool

It was one of those, pinch me moments. Really? I don't hear that very much, I told the lady. The company who put me through for the interview have a lot of experience with disabled, minority and specifically autistic spectrum people who have trouble finding work. The lady was really nice to me, really friendly, and she got her commission. I said thank you to her, and I said again how much this means to me to get this chance, for them to give me a chance, and for me to move forward.

As the phone went off. I shouted: YES! Like Flash Gordon at the end of Flash Gordon, after he defeats Ming. I got kinda distracted from that point, because everything in my head was all: YESYESYESYESYES. Then I also thought to myself: this isn't an ideal situation, but I take any victory that I can. At least now I can move forward.

So now I'm thinking about going to work. I can't be too excited. I still have to work.

In other news I got my pay in from last month. I need to put money back into my ISA methinks. Its nice to see money into my account. Tutoring, doing usertesting, working...now I potentially have a 2nd job I will have a bit more going into my income.

It's funny. I recieve good news and I still stay stoic. At least I'm true to my values.

Onwards.

'Desk days' and 'Straightforward days'

Dear Diary,

 

Today is my 'desk day', and I have been catching up on things. I have been catching up on everything except the job search. I think I might do that in a moment, but first what I will do is go to the local post office newsagents, and get some big pack of crisps!

'm going to eat like a dog, then take a break. Then I'm going to get on with the job searching, then go to badminton, then go home, do some reading, and then sleep early tomorrow for work. Tomorrow at work I'll catch up on reading.

I like straightforward days. Straightfoward days contrast to 'desk days'. (more terminology invented)

Back to a 'normal' day.

Dear Dairy,

 

It was a nice bank holiday. I cleared up a big bunch of junk in the house. I have also caught up on emails, and now that I don't have composing for the time being, I can carry on with other things. Today I'm doing tutoring, off to badminton later. I set up a music playlist, did my receipts. and set up a job search set of windows on Google Chrome, hopefully once I've finished this tutoring assignment.

 

I have to say. This student is bloody dire. I need to really think hard about this.

Hmm so I don't think I talked about the past few days, I think they would have deserved being talked about. I had two interviews, a date, and went off to teach people my songs. That is a lot to happen in a week. But Will it lead anywhere? That's the question. Maybe not I think. So I have to just keep pushing. I am kinda feeling less motivation. Despite all my activity, despite getting up out of bed early, and despite seeing lots of ticked boxes on my schedule, I really don't think I'm doing enough right now.

I'm certainly being tired out as fuck.

Just keep moving, just keep moving.

Back to work...

Bank holiday is wank holiday

Wake up early, have a nice long wank. Hungry, I go downstairs. I see food. I choose not to eat.

 

So now I'm thinking about all the things I should do today. Basically, since 10 days ago I have been thinking about everything else except my schedule. I've been following my schedule to help organise it, but not doing it. There's a distinction. The distinction lays somehow because of the little job searching tasks that need to be done that i've not done.

 

Last week, significant things happened:

• Niece's birthday
• Broke a fence
• Went on a date
• Taught my music to people
• Had two job interviews
• Organised appointment with psychiatrist

So there we have it.

What next? I guess I need to tidy my room, and the house in general, do the things I've put off for a while. I need to catch up on emails too. I have no shortage of things to do. I just need to not be distracted, derailed etc.

Onwards? Maybe sidewards...

Fuck, I feel tired. Maybe I'm hungry.

Almost normal, almost.

The date in my view went well in some ways. We talked a lot. I got suddenly and unexpectedly drunk. I then started talking about all the forbidden topics:

• Gender inequality
• The intolerance of certain feminists and accepting there are different feminisms
• The ways in which I've been treated as a man with an eating disorder
• The strange ways I'm close to my friends
• Gay bears
• My bisexual tendencies
• Girls who broke my heart
• This blog! I said how I write it for therapeutic reasons

I was strangely not anxious and really comfortable with her. However I think I fucked up, because towards the end, she was saying how she needed to go to waterloo because her friend had a bad reaction to chinese medicine and was drunk - it sounded like a fake reason to go. I kind of felt down after the date. I was really elated with her. Maybe its the beer, maybe it's how attractive she was. Maybe it was how open I felt with her in a way that I've never ever felt with anyone before.

I think it didn't work, I think I scared her off. I think I got too weird on her :(

It made me feel almost normal last night. Almost normal.

 

Today I'm back to being weird and deficient, I'm putting together some scores and travelling today. Teaching my music - well that's a first. I still feelt he beer in my blood. It's quite nice.

my day today

Is it possible to have an anxiety attack in a dream? Last night was a bit weird. I was dreaming of having a rehearsal where I was put on the spot. But- I'm always n the spot in rehearsals!

 

Plan for today:

• Emailing
• Buy ticket to Oxford
• Composing
• Go on date
• Get present for my niece
• Sent out mailing list email

My uncle and aunt are in the house today. Stayed over from last night. I started making breakfast, then mum came down and said she'll take over. I thought mainly for the fact that she's better at making omelettes than I (but not bacon - I'm the bacon king), I let her do it, and I'll get on with my errands.

Good news (not got a job yet)

Oh in between me being all moaning and stuff: I am going on a date, with a girl. Tomorrow, hopefully.

Had interview today. Massive anxiety. I don't think I got it. I cried on the way home. I was thinking about if I should start purging again. I have no hope. No way out. No respite. I'm desperate for something. That's when mia comes along.

 

So today. Relatives have come over. I am thinking about doing a gym class double session from 7-9pm. I need to get that sweat on. I need to reduce my anxiety. I need relief. I need something to feel good about myself.

 

I should say. That major newspaper that interviewed me: bloody nice place