Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Week thoughts

Yesterday morning I found out that the woman whom I had mentioned in an earlier post had died while in the coma. The woman's last moments involved her opening her eyes, and my two aunts saw it. After she opened her eyes, the poor woman perished.

Yesterday involved me trying to resolve some underlying problems. Firstly there was the matter of returning a call to a school regarding my interview (which is today). I also went to the library to continue my training course. I managed to keep my head busy for an almsot straight 4 hours. I also walked to and from the library which was about 300 kcals and 3 miles. It's not much compared to say the energy in jogging; but when I cannot find the time or energy for more intensive excercise, you take what you can. I see this as a step forward. I also (think) that I have fully resolved the job seeker's allowance problem. My cash is so dangerously low but I have learned to make do by considering alternative ways of behaving, such as: not eating so much crap, not eating, walking instead of using the bus, saving money.

I feel a change in my mindset this week. I hope my attitude to food is changing, as well as my weight. I look fat, I have to accept that, but I will also realise that the body that I want is not far away. I should really avoid purging. Starving myself is really difficult.

So today I will have underwent an interview with the school (I shall be leaving the house in a few minutes) and I will get my volunteering access pass sorted out. I hope you don't mind if I do not address my volunteering. As a matter of professional conduct I will be duty bound to the state not to disclose sensitive information. That sounds really exciting maybe I'll find some Al-Qaeda guys and bust them up! Or more like reports of a dented car by an overweight manager of some department store.

I hope the interview goes well, it will only be about two months of work; but it will be 1. my first real job; 2. CRB cleared; 3. Nearby; 4. PROGRESS!

In other news, I've been getting a lot of requests for tutoring. It's the easter hols so I should suspect no less. I'm really stretched for time right now. I have just about enough time for sleep, catching up with not being behind; and the schedule. Everything else fades away. I'm glad that I have audiobooks, they educate me while in transit between any of those aforementioned activities.

I really feel like I am discovering myself again, but my PhD application hangs in the balance. I am one late reference letter away from completing the application. I don't like when things don't go my way. Especially when its other its the fault of other people. I fear that the next few days will be so busy that I will find some difficulty with going to the funeral. I do not even have time to think about my good friend's birthday celebration on Saturday, or, meeting up with my good Latin American female friend.

My ex knows about my Latin American Female Friend coming along to the UK. Antonia also knows that I have a bit of a rapport with her, she thinks that there will be some inevitable outome of me having sex with her. I don't think that would happen. I know the girl too well. Antonia doesn't seem to understand such a concept of me being good friends with her, and yet her penetrating questioning has led me to question myself an my own motivations. This girl is a good friend from the past, and she broke my heart.

Once upon a time, she was one of the reasons that I tried to kill myself. It's funny, that I overlook that. Maybe because I don't blame her for what I did. I came to that decision all by myself. I do not harbour any ill will towards her. The girl was one of my romantic hopes and I felt her slipping away. The girl lied about her relationship and wouldn't tell me that she started something with my friend's mate.

Oh, I just got a confirmed session of tutoring tomorrow.

I'll have to put this into my calendar later. I cannot handle too many thoughts at once. I have to focus on my interview and then the volunteer thing afterwards.

It's all busy on my front. I almost feel like a real person again.

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