Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Morning person

I'm getting a little better at the morning ritual. I used to find it neigh on impossible to get up in the morning. Since about last week; i've made a bit of a routine of it. I also need to avoid masturbating, or do a really quick one in order not to stay in bed for too long.

There are lots of things I dislike about the morning feeling. One thing is that I am not quite myself without a sufficient amount of sugary energy. However, i'm trying to see the true self within me. If there is such a thing.

Today's weight: 131lbs. Yes that may sound really bad, but its less than I thought it would be. Every day is a won pound after the next' days' pound lost. This stalemating cannot continue, neither can the comfort eating.

Last night I realised how lonely I really am. I might find new people to chat to on social networkings or events, however; I'm stuck alone without many people in the world truly understanding me (my ex not included).

I was tempted to go to see Antonia this week, luckily I did not buy a ticket last night because my balance is not in the best of conditions. I learned that despite being payed through paypal; I still need to wire it through to my bank account, which will take nearly a week. I'm up early today to go to the local library. The agency put me on around 44-45 hours of a computer training course. Doesn't that sound cool?

I'm working towards a qualification called the European Computer Driving License. While some of the things it is teaching seem purile and I already know them; I do sincerely believe that I am not a complete whiz on the old office package and will benefit by having a computer qualification. It's nothing compared to my masters, but its one positive I can hold on to.

Funny, that sounds like what mia used to rationalise with me.

No one is claiming me, no one wants me. I think that I may willingly give myself to Mia. Mia is at least there for me when others are not, and I do not hide any secrets from her. Thinking of bulimia as a personified female deity is quite a nice fictionalist belief.

I'll try to keep a controlled eating plan. If that fails. I will consider purging.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be fat
I will be loved, I will be thin, I will be wanted again.

All it needs are two fingers, and a lot of self-love.

When I purge it feels like I'm really there, like I'm not in some background or behind some window in which I cannot get involved in the world. When I purge I'm fully there, fully experiencing those feelings.

I don't like girls who think they can 'heal' or 'save' me. They are undermining themselves. I'm not interested in a saviour, when they are so hopeless themselves. Mia ruined my masters degree, but at least she made me thin.

This is dangerous territory I am beginning to cross. Tell that to my belly which doesn't appreciate the twofold of having belly pains from a lot of situps alongside not being able to see my penis when looking down vertically.

I think that I have a lot of feelings buried, especially the good ones which make me a good person. Some of the things that I want to keep even further buried, namely the bad nature of me is not too far from the surface. I'm not sure if I'm feeling numb or hopeless or distressed; but I do feel a distincct satisfaction, a distinct joy, a sense of sweet ecstasy and a feeling that the ideal nonexistent perfect girl is there for me, having mia is like having a friend. Having a friend comfort you to compensate for the shitty world outside.

That is how I feel equilibrium must be faced from living in a sick society. I have given conference presentations and solo piano performances and I can't even get a job filing papers and electronic documents.

Two fingers, that's all my world needs.
Just to cope. Just to breathe..

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