Sunday, March 21, 2010

Family and old wounds

My family is more important to me than I realise. The events of today go as follows.

I understood that my aunt and uncle were coming to visit us after a party the previous night. Since they were in the area it was only natural for them to pop by for a hello. My uncle has cancer, its the second time he's gotten it. The first time went into remission and for nearly 10 years it didn't pop up. It came earlier last year in a different place. In terms of the treatment, he's going through the routine of chemo and other such treatments. It's painful and has a definite effect but we appreciate all the time we have with him. I wouldn't say the cancer isn't serious, but he's in pretty good condition and he is mobile and much like his functioning self. What is worrying however is his distinct silence and quiet, although that is his nature normally. My uncle has also lost his sense of taste. It was lovely to have him come over, my brother and sister (and her family) came along. It's lovely when the little one (my nephew) meets my dad's brothers. Babies bring great joy to any family. My cousin (from my aforementioned uncle) is having a little one on the way and the other cousins has a little baby in canada. They are coming to the UK in a couple of months and it would be lovely to see her again. I really do look forward to it, as well as seeing our little new addition to the family.

It's nice not being the young baby anymore, and it is nicer still that the younger ones see me as a real adult. The age difference between myself and my brother in law's brother is almost as big as between myself and (our) nephew. I am also a role model as an adult, a model of how adults should behave. This I undertake as a serious resonsibility.

I mention this notion of the older role model because I am now thinking about a yong boy tonight. There is a family who are close friends to us (I'd even go as far to consider them as wider family) where the mother has gotten into a coma. It's pretty serious, it's pretty sad; she has had cancer for a few years now and it went into remission and came back again. I recall about 18 months ago that she was informed that she had 6 months to live. In that situation, every day forward is really a blessing.

We learned this morning of the horrible news of this woman's coma. The little boy is a very sweet tyke, he reminds me of myself at that age. Children can be so impressionable at that age, as i recall that I was. As an adult, I learn to appreciate the people who formed me into the person that I am, but I also come to realise that I am already someone who is important to their later formative years.

Today has been a quiet rollercoaster. I've taken the role of being nice and happy with my uncle and aunt, while my siblings came to visit. But inside all of us, a core fabric that brings us together is strained, not in a bad way; but we are all worried about the futures of two certain people. If there's a heaven, I think that they may be quite close to it, one much more than the other.

I purged today. I'm not sure why, I decided to do so as soon as my mum told me that she's leaving the house to go to church; knowing that my dad is going to work tonight, I saw it as a window of oppurtunity. Normally it used to be that I'd masturbate or have fast food as they left the house. Now it involves purging to the point of inducing suffocation and making your throat bleed raw, and to blow out pieces of digest vegetable and pork matter from your nose. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing it, but it feels like what is needed. I felt better, I felt a sense of control, a sense of progress.

I find that when I tell people they worry. I also find it hard not to tell people. My ex's fuck buddy has left the country and she dumped the pharmacist guy who she wanted to marry for his money. Now her attention is on me. Maybe this is the only way that I can react to her poison, but releasing my own into myself.

When I was purging I thought to myself afterwards as my eyes were red and my throat bloody raw. I thought to myself: I am becoming 'me' again.

Maybe that's why I do it. To reach the idea of me again. There's a lot to be positive for. This is just one more positive. A small part of me is saying this is stupid. I bet a few of you think the same, maybe when I read this in the future I will think to say. If I met you right now, you critics; I'd have nothing to say to you but stare. The family is at a strain at the moment. I have a good family and I love them.

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