The long day is over. I finished the day by pleasuring myself with two containers of kulfi (indian ice cream) , and a bag of crisps. I have just checked my weight now and I have found myself to be 231lbs; the same weight as yesterday. In positive news I suppose that means that I have not gained any weight. Furthermore, I walked about 5 miles yesterday and I entered that data as part of my 'fitness log. Today I shall be walking some more miles in honour of good health.
As I get back home from the library, I will need to take stock and perform the tasks that I've been putting off for the past week, this includes job searches; reading; watching lectures and other such tasks that keep me organised. I've been pooing a lot lately and it looks like diahorrea pooh. You know, the kind that is soft and looks like fungi. It is all broken up and not together in logs. Perhaps this is due to my lesser consumption of meat. Keeping busy this week has also led me to keep in track of my food consumption.
Yesterday I was also rejected from that job interview, and 'fired' after one session of tutoring. I hated the tutee she was slow and lazy. As soon as I got home I erased all of the emails I recieved from the mother so as to erase that memory of her. It reminds me a little bit of when I erased Marie's emails and correspondences. That was a different time, though...
In the autumn of last year I was overburdened with 'memories' and 'anniversaries'. I try to avoid that kind of thinking this season and think about the future I might have, although I can understand why there would be such appeal to sinking into memories of the past instead of thinking about the bleak and uncertain future. Coming up in the next few days are the following tasks:
1. Finish of PhD application
2. Training with police
3. Meeting friends (saturday and sunday)
4. More training days at the library
Secondary tasks
5. Save money
6. Get fitter
7. Not be depressed/avoid purging
8. Eat healthier
9. Positive attitude
It certainly looks like I have things to do today. I sincerely wish that I had a job by now. My life sucks. I travelled 4 hours and tutored for 2 to essentially earn £40 for essentially whoring myself. I suppose there are worse ways to make money, but for a brief moment when I decided to put half of the money into my Oyster card; I realised the futility of working to just struggle to pay off the bills. I am lucky to live with my parents and suffer no council tax or gas bills, but in context having to work for a job you hate just to put the debtors away is no life. I can sympathsise a bit more with those people who just stick on their various benefits and live no life. It is a difference between a rock and a hard place; working your balls of to live, or being spoonfed on life support. I wish I had the oppurtunity even to do the former, maybe if I made enough money I'd have a nice house, I could be socially normal enough to have a girlfriend and car or mortgage.
Life seems bleak and boring and empty. I hide in the books. Reading about the Roman conquest of the Hellenic states and medieval theology satisfies my sense for learning and yearning to strive beyond emptiness. It also means I live in my head a lot.
I better wrap up this post. I'll be off to the library soon, I think I'll need to eat something first. Or better still, put my trousers on.
Keeping busy keeps the monkey off my back. I end up so tired that I cannot physically keep to planning or carrying out the ways in which I want to harm myself. I also realise that my hardships in the recent years have taught me a way to be as a person, and I quite like that person. Battles that I didn't need to fight have eventually led me to become a more sober mature and empathetic kind of person. It's just a shame no female likes me in a romantic sense, but alas. I think I'm not in the mood for 'relationships' anymore. That is to say, at least for now.
As I get back home from the library, I will need to take stock and perform the tasks that I've been putting off for the past week, this includes job searches; reading; watching lectures and other such tasks that keep me organised. I've been pooing a lot lately and it looks like diahorrea pooh. You know, the kind that is soft and looks like fungi. It is all broken up and not together in logs. Perhaps this is due to my lesser consumption of meat. Keeping busy this week has also led me to keep in track of my food consumption.
Yesterday I was also rejected from that job interview, and 'fired' after one session of tutoring. I hated the tutee she was slow and lazy. As soon as I got home I erased all of the emails I recieved from the mother so as to erase that memory of her. It reminds me a little bit of when I erased Marie's emails and correspondences. That was a different time, though...
In the autumn of last year I was overburdened with 'memories' and 'anniversaries'. I try to avoid that kind of thinking this season and think about the future I might have, although I can understand why there would be such appeal to sinking into memories of the past instead of thinking about the bleak and uncertain future. Coming up in the next few days are the following tasks:
1. Finish of PhD application
2. Training with police
3. Meeting friends (saturday and sunday)
4. More training days at the library
Secondary tasks
5. Save money
6. Get fitter
7. Not be depressed/avoid purging
8. Eat healthier
9. Positive attitude
It certainly looks like I have things to do today. I sincerely wish that I had a job by now. My life sucks. I travelled 4 hours and tutored for 2 to essentially earn £40 for essentially whoring myself. I suppose there are worse ways to make money, but for a brief moment when I decided to put half of the money into my Oyster card; I realised the futility of working to just struggle to pay off the bills. I am lucky to live with my parents and suffer no council tax or gas bills, but in context having to work for a job you hate just to put the debtors away is no life. I can sympathsise a bit more with those people who just stick on their various benefits and live no life. It is a difference between a rock and a hard place; working your balls of to live, or being spoonfed on life support. I wish I had the oppurtunity even to do the former, maybe if I made enough money I'd have a nice house, I could be socially normal enough to have a girlfriend and car or mortgage.
Life seems bleak and boring and empty. I hide in the books. Reading about the Roman conquest of the Hellenic states and medieval theology satisfies my sense for learning and yearning to strive beyond emptiness. It also means I live in my head a lot.
I better wrap up this post. I'll be off to the library soon, I think I'll need to eat something first. Or better still, put my trousers on.
Keeping busy keeps the monkey off my back. I end up so tired that I cannot physically keep to planning or carrying out the ways in which I want to harm myself. I also realise that my hardships in the recent years have taught me a way to be as a person, and I quite like that person. Battles that I didn't need to fight have eventually led me to become a more sober mature and empathetic kind of person. It's just a shame no female likes me in a romantic sense, but alas. I think I'm not in the mood for 'relationships' anymore. That is to say, at least for now.
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