Saturday, March 13, 2010

Other things going on: cancelled Dentist and Optical appointment, Ex bothering me, girl inviting me for sex, the two-shift day

I've been churning out posts like I eat packets of crisps. I thought this would take a few days but I am in a rush so I shall get it done all at once. I am going off to see my old university friend in mutual london territory (namely, somewhere mutually near to him and I). Tomorrow is Mother's day. Fuck, I need to get something for my sister and godmother.

My mum has been bothering me about getting something for my sister and godmother. Antonia was bothering me about getting her a fucking card; and I got one for my nephew's other grandmother cos she deserves it. If you judged it by how many gifts I got/am supposed to get; I would have 5 mums. Well, my sister was very maternal to me in my early years but now she's being as maternal as it can be with an actual child of her own.

Because of the agency stuff I had to cancel my important dental appointment. I thought I needed to cancel my eye appointment as well but that happened anyway due to lack of staff. My ex has been bothering me in recent days. Her pharmacist fuck guy has been dumped by her for being a sycophant. now she wants me to come crawling back to her and she keeps saying how she misses me. I think that she is poisonous. I ought to avoid her, I just end up getting hurt, and my wallet gets raped. I just don't have that kind of money to willy nilly spend on her. I'm just about starting to get a social life as well, and my long time friend (a girl) from venezuela is coming to visit in the next week or so. I'm going to be busy, and that's the best thing happening in my life so far; getting my life back.

And she wants to take it away, she wants me to go visit her at her fucked up bungalo in south Wales and wear me down to be her slave. I AM NOT HAVING IT!!

This thought upsets me because I am still malleable under her control and once she gets her pincers in me I find it hard to resist her. I suppose because part of me, a big part still loves her. She made her decision and made me feel useless, fat, unemployed and poor. Just because she had a time in her life that was temporarily better than mine she things that is a damning statement on how the rest of my life will be so she excluded me from our relationship. This is upsetting me just thinking about this. But this is an unresolved issue in my mind.

Another girl (Sarah) has emerged and she wants me o meet up with her (for sex) next week. Its scary, and i feel she is manipulating me, manipulating the fact that I admitted to be emotionally vulnerable to her.

I face another decision. Do I accept the role as the emotionally sensitive guy that I always have in the past, in embracing this new social life? Or do I choose to be different?

This is also hard for me. It's hard to say no without it sounding like a resounding rejection of her. She's nice maybe she will understand. Also her cunt is a bit ugly, it looks like chewed up gum and she's also a bit...umm, how can I say this. Her weight and body shape makes me feel fat. And I dont want to feel fat.

I've also had an insane few days without proper beta sleep. I have been sleeping in shifts of 4-5 hours. when I get up I feel energy in a short burst to apply for jobs or get out of bed. Today I had a long lay in bed, it felt unusual given the past week of busy-ness.

A lot has gone on in my head. I think this is an apt summary of it. I've realised through writing these posts that I've acknowledged something very positive. I am getting my life back. You would't know how much that means to me. I've lost my life since Marie, and my MA grade failures. I was on life support with Antonia and then she pulled the plug.

Now I'm breathing again with my own lungs. I'm learning to live and walk and love again.

There's one person I love, and that I want to love more than anyone else, and that's me. Not just me right now, but the person I want to be, the person I can be, the person I am cultivating to be in the future. The person who is self confident and proud of himself.

I've had enough hardship. I want good shit from here on in.

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