A couple of girls that I chat to online; one whom I have previously mentioned (Sarah, I think I named her), and another who I know from the support group that I run, seem to claim that they understand my 'mia' tendencies. I certainly do not claim to understand.
My ex just called. It was awkward. I didn't really want to talk, I sounded exasperated and without excitement. I wouldn't say that I felt drained by her on the phone, but i do quite want to purge right now. Why do I want to purge? Here are some possible reasons:
i. It feels like the only way I can react.
ii. I cannot really understand how I feel, perhaps by purging I come to terms with what's really in my head.
iii. It's the only way I can react with knowing and understanding how I feel
iv. Perhaps it is what I feel. The behaviour is an emotion itself, what that emotion is, however is not clear to me.
A girl who had experiences of her own with eating disorders and far worse than mine, I add; said that the recent busy structure and 'success' of late has led me to react by purging because I simply do not know how to react to success. I am unfamiliar with success and purging is familiar.
If I feel a mix of emotions that I cant understand, perhaps not even in my level of awareness, I feel perhaps purging is my resort to simplify things.
I am going to purge today, so long as I find an oppurtunity to.
I need it badly. I'm not a mature person, I'm not a strong person and I am possibly undermining my grasp of sanity.
I'd rather be unhappy and successful, than happy and mediocre.
I'm feeling isolated, and I do not feel like I have people who really understand.
- they don't need to understand to support you. They just need to be there
When I see the flaws in people I see a part of me in them. They are reacting to their situation, and I have insecurities much like them. Only different in small ways; maybe in how I hide it, or how it affects me.
My ex just called. It was awkward. I didn't really want to talk, I sounded exasperated and without excitement. I wouldn't say that I felt drained by her on the phone, but i do quite want to purge right now. Why do I want to purge? Here are some possible reasons:
i. It feels like the only way I can react.
ii. I cannot really understand how I feel, perhaps by purging I come to terms with what's really in my head.
iii. It's the only way I can react with knowing and understanding how I feel
iv. Perhaps it is what I feel. The behaviour is an emotion itself, what that emotion is, however is not clear to me.
A girl who had experiences of her own with eating disorders and far worse than mine, I add; said that the recent busy structure and 'success' of late has led me to react by purging because I simply do not know how to react to success. I am unfamiliar with success and purging is familiar.
If I feel a mix of emotions that I cant understand, perhaps not even in my level of awareness, I feel perhaps purging is my resort to simplify things.
I am going to purge today, so long as I find an oppurtunity to.
I need it badly. I'm not a mature person, I'm not a strong person and I am possibly undermining my grasp of sanity.
I'd rather be unhappy and successful, than happy and mediocre.
I'm feeling isolated, and I do not feel like I have people who really understand.
- they don't need to understand to support you. They just need to be there
When I see the flaws in people I see a part of me in them. They are reacting to their situation, and I have insecurities much like them. Only different in small ways; maybe in how I hide it, or how it affects me.
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