I've gotten a few triggers over the past few hours. I see things, associations, and then I think myself up into being upset. These triggers make me feel upset; there is also a degree of control over my affectation from it. The past two days of this weekend have given me a nice berak from being in front of the computer all the time and it has also given me a bit more stock in terms of my journey.
I am going to busy myself today for as long as I can. I've realised that I've not done much on the job hunt front this week.
My mum and (presumably) dad will be out of the house tonight, at least for an hour. That will give me time to purge, if I choose to. Today I ate some remnants of yesterday's food in the house, that includes some fried egg rice mixed with a cottage pie. I mised them. This morning I had a prawn mayo baguette from gregs. It was quite nice. The two people between me in the library stank of sweat and defeat. There was a girl who also looked like a guy, and not in a sexy way; more like she was a failed girl and 'guy' is default.
I'm starting to feel tired of this negative environment that is the young person's guarantee. I want to get out of it and get into a job. It doesn't help my job hunt to be busy during the hours when I have the energy to otherwise to my job hunt. Bastards. I won't talk about what actually caused my trigger, because I'm so sensitive that even looking at my stopwatch made me feel a little wobbly. I put my stopwatch on sometimes when i have a trigger to make me realise how long the experience is, or when it ends. Sometimes I let myself purge after 20 mins if I still feel I want to. Its an interesting technique because in many occaisions the feeling subsides.
It is nice to have that long term perspective, instead of being immersed completely in the now.
I feel such a big battle to fight. My battle against unreason and the non-academic world is terribly heavy. My battle against accepting me is hard. My battle against competing for the PhD funding is ....not up to me.
That's something I ought to sort out this week: my PhD application. I'm supposed to go to a funeral tomorrow but I do not honestly think I can make it with this bullshit training course.
I am going to busy myself today for as long as I can. I've realised that I've not done much on the job hunt front this week.
My mum and (presumably) dad will be out of the house tonight, at least for an hour. That will give me time to purge, if I choose to. Today I ate some remnants of yesterday's food in the house, that includes some fried egg rice mixed with a cottage pie. I mised them. This morning I had a prawn mayo baguette from gregs. It was quite nice. The two people between me in the library stank of sweat and defeat. There was a girl who also looked like a guy, and not in a sexy way; more like she was a failed girl and 'guy' is default.
I'm starting to feel tired of this negative environment that is the young person's guarantee. I want to get out of it and get into a job. It doesn't help my job hunt to be busy during the hours when I have the energy to otherwise to my job hunt. Bastards. I won't talk about what actually caused my trigger, because I'm so sensitive that even looking at my stopwatch made me feel a little wobbly. I put my stopwatch on sometimes when i have a trigger to make me realise how long the experience is, or when it ends. Sometimes I let myself purge after 20 mins if I still feel I want to. Its an interesting technique because in many occaisions the feeling subsides.
It is nice to have that long term perspective, instead of being immersed completely in the now.
I feel such a big battle to fight. My battle against unreason and the non-academic world is terribly heavy. My battle against accepting me is hard. My battle against competing for the PhD funding is ....not up to me.
That's something I ought to sort out this week: my PhD application. I'm supposed to go to a funeral tomorrow but I do not honestly think I can make it with this bullshit training course.
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