March is over already?

Dear Diary,

Today was a day that I suppose in some ways was unique. I'll address the happenings of the day in a boring tone of a catalogue of events. I feel quite a need to express myslf in this way, although speaks of an exasperated tone; I find it ultimately relieving as I have so many worries of real life situations that I carry and speaking of them puts the thoughts out of my head.

Today I finished the training course at the library. At the end of the session, the trainers were unsure of how to continue. I think they have put me on another day for another training course in powerpoint training. It's mainly a way of biding time. I think I need to report back to REED. I'll think about it tomorrow, though.

I decided to try to keep in control of my dietary habits. I did not do very well. I ate a nice wholesome breakfast, and then lunch of daim bars and lucozade. Then snacking, more snacking, and yet more snacking. Not good. Today i managed to finish off my PhD application. Well, all that's missing now is a visit to the post office and I'm done. It will finally be done. I was putting it off partly for the fear of failure. I know failure is possible at this stage and very real a modality. that worries me as I see this as my last chance.

After a fair amount of anxiety. I have done it. Another thing that I ought to note is that I'll be missing a funeral tomorrow. I've not really pondered the gravity of this poor woman's death. The lady left children behind and her husband. I've been encumbered by the training course and the REED people. I've been behind in my job hunt and my book review, but I should be able to move forward now that I've gotten the PhD behind me. This month has been sucky. Three weeks with job centre nonsense, JSA problems for most of those weeks, and steady and sure weight gain. At least the weather is getting better and the spring/summer is before us.

I hope the next month shall promise better things. Maybe a job, a better body...

I feel like everything is taking a long time. I feel a little bit hopeless.

Maxim: Avoid being overly involved with the internet

I try to justify my continuous posting on this blog for various reasons:

1. I consider this as a kind of self-reflective therapy of the mind
2. I have no expectations about the readership. I've told almost no-one about this blog and I don't expect anyone to read it, if you do, that's fine but in a sense I will not be bothered by the fact that others read it. Unless the know me well...
3. I'm writing this for me. I have all these thoughts and feelings and it helps me to write. I'm not trying to get attention or trying to get a publication like those 'career bloggers'.

So, with that proviso in mind I want to say this: I hate people on facebook and twitter who overly use fucking exclamation marks all the time or who continually post things or comment on status updates and pictures on facebook. The people who comment first, especially on a girl's profile are trying so hard and are pathetic and weak and transparent and attention whoring and desperate. I know because I was one of those people.

Note to self: avoid sharing funny pictures on facebook status.

My upper body pain and other maintenance tasks

Since I did that large amount of walking on thursday my ribs, and diaphragm area have given me a moderate amount of pain. There's also my back as well, it's a bit higher than the pain was a few days previous to that. I really feel it in the morning when it feels exceptionally difficult to get out of bed.

I've tried painkillers which work for a while, but then I used some deep heat spray to some moderate success. I went to buy some painkillers today (over the counter of course), and I considered also purchasing some wax for my back. I thought that it would be a good idea to prepare for the summer body that I want, and a back and shoulder wax would be a neat start.

I feel a lot of anger welling up inside me. I have angry thoughts, maybe you could even say hateful thoughts. They are directed towards my ex, and sometimes faceless bureaucracies.

I'm walking through the trigger minefield again and I'm not really sure what instruction I have as to whether to just stand there, walk through, or how to deal with a 'bang'.

I want to be thin. I hope it comes earlier than may 2011.

Irksome feelings

I've gotten a few triggers over the past few hours. I see things, associations, and then I think myself up into being upset. These triggers make me feel upset; there is also a degree of control over my affectation from it. The past two days of this weekend have given me a nice berak from being in front of the computer all the time and it has also given me a bit more stock in terms of my journey.

I am going to busy myself today for as long as I can. I've realised that I've not done much on the job hunt front this week.

My mum and (presumably) dad will be out of the house tonight, at least for an hour. That will give me time to purge, if I choose to. Today I ate some remnants of yesterday's food in the house, that includes some fried egg rice mixed with a cottage pie. I mised them. This morning I had a prawn mayo baguette from gregs. It was quite nice. The two people between me in the library stank of sweat and defeat. There was a girl who also looked like a guy, and not in a sexy way; more like she was a failed girl and 'guy' is default.

I'm starting to feel tired of this negative environment that is the young person's guarantee. I want to get out of it and get into a job. It doesn't help my job hunt to be busy during the hours when I have the energy to otherwise to my job hunt. Bastards. I won't talk about what actually caused my trigger, because I'm so sensitive that even looking at my stopwatch made me feel a little wobbly. I put my stopwatch on sometimes when i have a trigger to make me realise how long the experience is, or when it ends. Sometimes I let myself purge after 20 mins if I still feel I want to. Its an interesting technique because in many occaisions the feeling subsides.

It is nice to have that long term perspective, instead of being immersed completely in the now.

I feel such a big battle to fight. My battle against unreason and the non-academic world is terribly heavy. My battle against accepting me is hard. My battle against competing for the PhD funding is ....not up to me.

That's something I ought to sort out this week: my PhD application. I'm supposed to go to a funeral tomorrow but I do not honestly think I can make it with this bullshit training course.

Prospects for the week

Today and this week I shall be engaged in the following activities:

1. Training course: 16 hours
2. Lose weight
3. Finish PhD application
4. Try to fit in some excercise/cardio
5. Control diet
6. Work on self esteem
7. Continue job hunt

If I continue at this pattern I will have kept my head above water. I am also considering, since I've gotten some money back into my account to buy some new clothes.

I feel that if I buy larger clothes then I will be accepting that I am fat, and have given up on my hopes. I'm large: face it.

However, I embarrass myself more by wearing ill fitting clothes. Face it.

Positives. I've lost some weight from 231lbs, according to my morning reading. My current weight from the previous reading is 229.4. I have about 100lbs to go.

I remember a time when I lost 60lbs and I fought hard for that loss. I wsa a better person, a happier person. I will be better and happier and confident and successful when I lose weight. I dont want to be judged badly any more.

practical targets

date for healthiest possible attainment of new weight: Feb 11th 2011

calorific suggestion:

1,671 kcal: for a weight loss of 1.5 lbs a week

Expected time through calorific modification: may 28th 2011

Its far away, but its realistic. If I want it enough, it will come. This is the challenge posed to me that I have set before myself

weight data

current weight: 233lbs, 16.6 stone
BMI: 33.6
Obese

Desired weight
BMI 20
Weight 10st, 140lbs,

desired weight loss programme: c. 100lbs.

100lbs until I'm normal.
100lbs until i'm attractive
100lbs until i'm human

When will I ever be good enough?

When?

when I'm thin? Yes
When I have a new girlfriend? No
When I'm in a PhD? Yes

Decline and fall

Things I thought are getting better. But I am oblivious to the real negatives. I've tried to maintain a positive attitude to counter my depressive tendencies but in all honesty I am more of a hopeless Panglossian optimist. I think that the world is constantly moving to some highest good while my world and all the important things are falling apart in front of me.

I'm losing my hair. My bald patch is more and more apparent.

I'm getting fatter.

I'm still unemployed.

I'm living with my parents

All the values that I had once encapsulated have now folded over like a roll of fat hiding a pocket of sweaty air and sweat that hangs on a fat ugly body.

Forward

The long day is over. I finished the day by pleasuring myself with two containers of kulfi (indian ice cream) , and a bag of crisps. I have just checked my weight now and I have found myself to be 231lbs; the same weight as yesterday. In positive news I suppose that means that I have not gained any weight. Furthermore, I walked about 5 miles yesterday and I entered that data as part of my 'fitness log. Today I shall be walking some more miles in honour of good health.

As I get back home from the library, I will need to take stock and perform the tasks that I've been putting off for the past week, this includes job searches; reading; watching lectures and other such tasks that keep me organised. I've been pooing a lot lately and it looks like diahorrea pooh. You know, the kind that is soft and looks like fungi. It is all broken up and not together in logs. Perhaps this is due to my lesser consumption of meat. Keeping busy this week has also led me to keep in track of my food consumption.

Yesterday I was also rejected from that job interview, and 'fired' after one session of tutoring. I hated the tutee she was slow and lazy. As soon as I got home I erased all of the emails I recieved from the mother so as to erase that memory of her. It reminds me a little bit of when I erased Marie's emails and correspondences. That was a different time, though...

In the autumn of last year I was overburdened with 'memories' and 'anniversaries'. I try to avoid that kind of thinking this season and think about the future I might have, although I can understand why there would be such appeal to sinking into memories of the past instead of thinking about the bleak and uncertain future. Coming up in the next few days are the following tasks:

1. Finish of PhD application
2. Training with police
3. Meeting friends (saturday and sunday)
4. More training days at the library

Secondary tasks

5. Save money
6. Get fitter
7. Not be depressed/avoid purging
8. Eat healthier
9. Positive attitude

It certainly looks like I have things to do today. I sincerely wish that I had a job by now. My life sucks. I travelled 4 hours and tutored for 2 to essentially earn £40 for essentially whoring myself. I suppose there are worse ways to make money, but for a brief moment when I decided to put half of the money into my Oyster card; I realised the futility of working to just struggle to pay off the bills. I am lucky to live with my parents and suffer no council tax or gas bills, but in context having to work for a job you hate just to put the debtors away is no life. I can sympathsise a bit more with those people who just stick on their various benefits and live no life. It is a difference between a rock and a hard place; working your balls of to live, or being spoonfed on life support. I wish I had the oppurtunity even to do the former, maybe if I made enough money I'd have a nice house, I could be socially normal enough to have a girlfriend and car or mortgage.

Life seems bleak and boring and empty. I hide in the books. Reading about the Roman conquest of the Hellenic states and medieval theology satisfies my sense for learning and yearning to strive beyond emptiness. It also means I live in my head a lot.

I better wrap up this post. I'll be off to the library soon, I think I'll need to eat something first. Or better still, put my trousers on.

Keeping busy keeps the monkey off my back. I end up so tired that I cannot physically keep to planning or carrying out the ways in which I want to harm myself. I also realise that my hardships in the recent years have taught me a way to be as a person, and I quite like that person. Battles that I didn't need to fight have eventually led me to become a more sober mature and empathetic kind of person. It's just a shame no female likes me in a romantic sense, but alas. I think I'm not in the mood for 'relationships' anymore. That is to say, at least for now.

The long day

Today begins my 'Long Day'. My apprehension of this day lays in the daunting prospect that my energy levels may not be able to cope. I think that I may just go to sleep as soon as I get home. Current weight is 231 lbs. I'm vastly overweight and my sense of stability may be a complete misnomer. I have overall lost weight compared to yesterday.

Lately I've also had very odd looking pattern of stools; it looks like when I have diahorrea. These past couple of weeks have been so busy and I have noticed a distinct change in my energy and outlook. I think it is overall positive.

I'll try to let you know how this day works out. Hopefully well, and energetically.

The day today

Today has been pretty hectic, I have been within my thoughts quite a lot; as well as that I have also grown quite a bit and pushed myself out of the comfort zone that I was once stuck in. Breaking past anxiety boundaries. Let's make a list of what I've done today.

1. Beginning: preparing ID documents and planning routes to police station and school for interview
2. Head off to interview, interview. (my friend's mum was the receptionist at the school - WTF?)
3. I realised that I may not have enough time to go home without leaving again and going to the station, so I had lunch at a mcdonalds and had a bit of a stroll around westminster. I then got the security clearance
4. I got home, was tired, had a sleep, woke up, took my sweet time to eat and watch tv. Then I prepared for tomorrow
5. I prepared the route, installed a PDF of the syllabus that the tutee is going to have the exams through; I then clarified the route I would take (tube plan, as well as walking directions).
6. Today I got an email from the lost referee. He says he will post it to the university directly . This is fine except now I have to think about preparing the complete copy and finalise the PhD application. This is ultimate, final, the whole tamale. Scary, so scary that my busy self cannot comprehend all this for today.

Tomorrow's schedule includes:

1. Wake up and go to library for training course
2. Go to tutee on other side of city including 40 min walk and 75 min tube journey
3. Tutor, £40 in the pocket
4. Home (nearly 2 hours to get home?)
5. SLEEP

I'm glad that I'm doing something with my life at the moment. I'm not sure if this is exactly the ideal thing but I'm going to be as positive as I can about this: I'm training to get an ECDL, I've got a tutoring job and ..umm. money

I guess keeping busy and having a life to talk about is its own reward. I feel a little bit normal...

Week thoughts

Yesterday morning I found out that the woman whom I had mentioned in an earlier post had died while in the coma. The woman's last moments involved her opening her eyes, and my two aunts saw it. After she opened her eyes, the poor woman perished.

Yesterday involved me trying to resolve some underlying problems. Firstly there was the matter of returning a call to a school regarding my interview (which is today). I also went to the library to continue my training course. I managed to keep my head busy for an almsot straight 4 hours. I also walked to and from the library which was about 300 kcals and 3 miles. It's not much compared to say the energy in jogging; but when I cannot find the time or energy for more intensive excercise, you take what you can. I see this as a step forward. I also (think) that I have fully resolved the job seeker's allowance problem. My cash is so dangerously low but I have learned to make do by considering alternative ways of behaving, such as: not eating so much crap, not eating, walking instead of using the bus, saving money.

I feel a change in my mindset this week. I hope my attitude to food is changing, as well as my weight. I look fat, I have to accept that, but I will also realise that the body that I want is not far away. I should really avoid purging. Starving myself is really difficult.

So today I will have underwent an interview with the school (I shall be leaving the house in a few minutes) and I will get my volunteering access pass sorted out. I hope you don't mind if I do not address my volunteering. As a matter of professional conduct I will be duty bound to the state not to disclose sensitive information. That sounds really exciting maybe I'll find some Al-Qaeda guys and bust them up! Or more like reports of a dented car by an overweight manager of some department store.

I hope the interview goes well, it will only be about two months of work; but it will be 1. my first real job; 2. CRB cleared; 3. Nearby; 4. PROGRESS!

In other news, I've been getting a lot of requests for tutoring. It's the easter hols so I should suspect no less. I'm really stretched for time right now. I have just about enough time for sleep, catching up with not being behind; and the schedule. Everything else fades away. I'm glad that I have audiobooks, they educate me while in transit between any of those aforementioned activities.

I really feel like I am discovering myself again, but my PhD application hangs in the balance. I am one late reference letter away from completing the application. I don't like when things don't go my way. Especially when its other its the fault of other people. I fear that the next few days will be so busy that I will find some difficulty with going to the funeral. I do not even have time to think about my good friend's birthday celebration on Saturday, or, meeting up with my good Latin American female friend.

My ex knows about my Latin American Female Friend coming along to the UK. Antonia also knows that I have a bit of a rapport with her, she thinks that there will be some inevitable outome of me having sex with her. I don't think that would happen. I know the girl too well. Antonia doesn't seem to understand such a concept of me being good friends with her, and yet her penetrating questioning has led me to question myself an my own motivations. This girl is a good friend from the past, and she broke my heart.

Once upon a time, she was one of the reasons that I tried to kill myself. It's funny, that I overlook that. Maybe because I don't blame her for what I did. I came to that decision all by myself. I do not harbour any ill will towards her. The girl was one of my romantic hopes and I felt her slipping away. The girl lied about her relationship and wouldn't tell me that she started something with my friend's mate.

Oh, I just got a confirmed session of tutoring tomorrow.

I'll have to put this into my calendar later. I cannot handle too many thoughts at once. I have to focus on my interview and then the volunteer thing afterwards.

It's all busy on my front. I almost feel like a real person again.

Oh well, onwards...

There was a bit of a rift with my parents yesterday.

I'll say its behind me but i'm not sure. I feel a bit down now. I also feel  little bit lonely. Today I have three main tasks, hopefully I'l get them completed. I feel a little bit apprehensive as they conflict with each other in terms of timing.

I need to return a call about a job interview
I need to sort out the JSA by going in at 12pm
I need to do today's few hours of the training course

[1,2,] conflict with [3]; but I'll have to attempt to fit it all in, somehow.

I've also decided to walk to the local library; it takes maybe under 40 mins and since I'm going to be doing this training course I have little energy to do things outside of it so I'll consider the two or so miles walking to be excercise. It's not as intense as I want it to be but that is fine.

It's also made me consider that I could go to further afield places while I train. Anyhoo, today is a day that I'll be glad to put behind me. This week is, really. I've to sort out a problem that I didn't choose. And then there's the family rift.

Oh well, onwards

In other news. Purging doesn't seem to help me.

Inner conflicts

I thought of a post title and came up with 'inner conflicts', i suppose (a meta joke) by virtue of a conflict of titles that I thought using. I don't know what I'm going to write about, but I know that if I decide upon a title the rest will follow. I therefore decided to consider "Inner conflicts".

There's a tension, hypocrisy if you will; of how I live my life.

1. I'm a freethinker within a religious ethnic community
2. I'm always self conscious about other people's spelling and grammar issues where that was my dissertation downfall.
3. Another way of saying this: I'm always conscious of the flaws people have that have deep resounding within my own
4. I'm powerless and yet I'm trying to find myself, independence and inner strength.
5. I'm a self hating pro-mia who runs a supportive depression support group.
6. I strive to uphold the values of the world that I was introduced to; a world of freethinking, enlightenment values and scholarly pursuit
7. Such a world excluded me
8. I'm an outcast and yet my own oppressor
9. I feel as if I am being punished sometimes for being conscientious
10. I feel I am being punished for in some way betraying my cultural sensibilities
11. I'm living a lie: the lie of aspiration and hopes
12. I'm living a lie of security and emotional stability; the problems are never far beneath the surface.

i gotta purge

Bubbling inside

Today has been awfully frustrating.

The two people in front of me at the training centre were so loud and annoying and they encapsulate everything that is wrong with my generation. Another irk that I have is that I am still trying to chase up the job centre advisor, today marks my third attempt to contact her, and I am waiting 23 mins late for that phone call.

I feel so angry at my situation. I am angry that the mistake that I anticipated happened and I am being punished for someone's mistake; someone who won't even call me back. I feel like I am being punished as if by God or some kind of cosmic joke:

I'm fat
I'm alone
I'm living with my parents
I'm unemployed
I'm having behavioural issues

That doesn't sound very glamorous. I hate this situation and I feel angry at the world. I want to take it out on the world, or someone who is responsible but I simply am not allowing myself to. No one ever seems to take responsibility, if this is what people's values are like in lowly society I cannot imagine how hopeless the upper echelons of life are.

I'm a reject, and I feel the world crushing down on me. Telling me to give up, telling me 'this isn't for you'.

Purging doesn't really seem to fit as a solution. It would at least help in my weight, but today I've found that my weight has gotten up by nearly 2 lbs.

Nothing seems to be working for me and I feel completely isolated. I need relief. I need it, and purging isn't enough.

Family and old wounds

My family is more important to me than I realise. The events of today go as follows.

I understood that my aunt and uncle were coming to visit us after a party the previous night. Since they were in the area it was only natural for them to pop by for a hello. My uncle has cancer, its the second time he's gotten it. The first time went into remission and for nearly 10 years it didn't pop up. It came earlier last year in a different place. In terms of the treatment, he's going through the routine of chemo and other such treatments. It's painful and has a definite effect but we appreciate all the time we have with him. I wouldn't say the cancer isn't serious, but he's in pretty good condition and he is mobile and much like his functioning self. What is worrying however is his distinct silence and quiet, although that is his nature normally. My uncle has also lost his sense of taste. It was lovely to have him come over, my brother and sister (and her family) came along. It's lovely when the little one (my nephew) meets my dad's brothers. Babies bring great joy to any family. My cousin (from my aforementioned uncle) is having a little one on the way and the other cousins has a little baby in canada. They are coming to the UK in a couple of months and it would be lovely to see her again. I really do look forward to it, as well as seeing our little new addition to the family.

It's nice not being the young baby anymore, and it is nicer still that the younger ones see me as a real adult. The age difference between myself and my brother in law's brother is almost as big as between myself and (our) nephew. I am also a role model as an adult, a model of how adults should behave. This I undertake as a serious resonsibility.

I mention this notion of the older role model because I am now thinking about a yong boy tonight. There is a family who are close friends to us (I'd even go as far to consider them as wider family) where the mother has gotten into a coma. It's pretty serious, it's pretty sad; she has had cancer for a few years now and it went into remission and came back again. I recall about 18 months ago that she was informed that she had 6 months to live. In that situation, every day forward is really a blessing.

We learned this morning of the horrible news of this woman's coma. The little boy is a very sweet tyke, he reminds me of myself at that age. Children can be so impressionable at that age, as i recall that I was. As an adult, I learn to appreciate the people who formed me into the person that I am, but I also come to realise that I am already someone who is important to their later formative years.

Today has been a quiet rollercoaster. I've taken the role of being nice and happy with my uncle and aunt, while my siblings came to visit. But inside all of us, a core fabric that brings us together is strained, not in a bad way; but we are all worried about the futures of two certain people. If there's a heaven, I think that they may be quite close to it, one much more than the other.

I purged today. I'm not sure why, I decided to do so as soon as my mum told me that she's leaving the house to go to church; knowing that my dad is going to work tonight, I saw it as a window of oppurtunity. Normally it used to be that I'd masturbate or have fast food as they left the house. Now it involves purging to the point of inducing suffocation and making your throat bleed raw, and to blow out pieces of digest vegetable and pork matter from your nose. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing it, but it feels like what is needed. I felt better, I felt a sense of control, a sense of progress.

I find that when I tell people they worry. I also find it hard not to tell people. My ex's fuck buddy has left the country and she dumped the pharmacist guy who she wanted to marry for his money. Now her attention is on me. Maybe this is the only way that I can react to her poison, but releasing my own into myself.

When I was purging I thought to myself afterwards as my eyes were red and my throat bloody raw. I thought to myself: I am becoming 'me' again.

Maybe that's why I do it. To reach the idea of me again. There's a lot to be positive for. This is just one more positive. A small part of me is saying this is stupid. I bet a few of you think the same, maybe when I read this in the future I will think to say. If I met you right now, you critics; I'd have nothing to say to you but stare. The family is at a strain at the moment. I have a good family and I love them.

i don't like myself

I dont like myself for the following reasons:

1. weakness of will
2. lack of determination
3. failures
4. i'm fat.
5. i'm losing
6. i had so much potential
7. i'm wasting away.

stages of man

I think it was shakespeare who speaks of the stages of man.

In my folder tasks, I find old archived documents which remind me of past glories, or past troubles.

Contrast on the one hand, the letter written to me by my headmaster from jesuit school, and my award for best musician in my last year of college; to the angrily written council tax notices, or the graduation ceremony that I didn't attend.

This is old school depression; missing the past.

I reacted to cope with that by feeling outside of time, or better still, detaching myself from that time. There is only the now. I'll move forward somehow. I suppose I am moving forward by this foldering task. An ordered room means ordered paper documents, i can find where everything is that way, and also I can keep on top of things.

It's quite heavy duty work to redo all these documents but I didn't do myself any favours by overflowing the folder. It burst as I opened it. So now I'm picking up the pieces. And this is the 2009 folder.

I've disposed of/scanned my previous folders.

triggers

1. my ex initiating any form of contact with me.
2. my ex telling me on the one hand that she's having sex with other people paired with her saying that she still loves me
3. a letter from a gil that I recieved many years ago.

I purged to cleanse the past. but i cannot cleanse it as I thought I could.

I'm doing some foldering today. Not just to keep busy but also to keep things in order

15:42 (bulimia rising)

I thought that I might post an update.

I called the local job centre, I said that I had an enquiry about my JSA payments. They referred me to the processing office at Makerfield, Preston.

After about 5-7 minutes of being on hold, the makerfield office ask for my details and say that they can't help. Apparently I still need to sign in and I didn't go this week.

I was told however by my advisor that I didn't need to sign on anymore, this was affirmed by the guys at REED. The nice lady on the phone at makerfield says I need to call my local job centre, or the REED guys. The REED guys say its not their responsibility; they repeated this last week. So I decided to call the local job centre. AGAIN. At this point, I lost face, even if it was on the phone. I felt hopeless, dispondent, broken and agitated. I feel so powerless and they ask me to chase them up. I distinctly feel that these people do not care.

I called them. 10 rings, they cancelled on me. I called again. 10 rings, same thing. I took a pause, half wrote an email to my advisor at REED, but then thought. I will call the local job centre again. I eventually got on to the phone. They referred me to the advisor. They put me on hold, twice. I finally get to the advisor, she says that she will call in 30 mins.

I don't know about you, but all this angst and disappointment and feeling tattered and broken really makes me want to purge. I also think its a rational response to this fucking nonsense of the world. I know things aren't perfect, but this is outright a bad situation. I appreciate that these guys are public sector and work with a lot of scummy people who are hopeless; but I cannot take this wild goose chase of 'call this number a', then 'a' telling me to call 'b', 'b' says to call 'a' and 'a' says to call either 'b' or 'c' or, maybe even 'd' (who the fuck is 'd'?) or 'a' without realising that i am calling them.

I hate this fucking paper chase, this phone tag; I hate having to get pocket money from the government despite the fat that I am one of the more skilled and more intelligent and more qualified of the population. I hate that other people who graduated from good universities like me are now in high power graduate jobs where they talk about earning £k's and have girlfriends and mortgages and cars and insurance and skydiving weekend hobbies and live without their parents.

I fucking hate that thsoe are the same guys who didn't necessarily work as hard as me. It's not who you know or what you know, but who you blow. Its fucking nepotism and egotism that gets you ahead and I'm left holding the used condoms.

I can't cope, I really can't cope. I don't deserve this. Or maybe worse of all is that I do.

I've been patient, I've tried to keep the peace. I am not sure for how much longer I can follow this fucking charade. I need relief from this horrid situation. I need to escape. I need even just temporary bliss.

I know that people don't think well of purging. They just outright say 'don't purge you stupid fuck' and call that caring.

I'm tired of those people. I'm tired of being angry at them and sad at me because I'm angry at them and they won't understand my anger without insulting me even more. Politeness makes me calm. I think they call that magnaminity.

My ex girlfriend used to give me so much shit and I just took it, all those guys from ADC gave me shit and I just took it. I took all that shit from marie; giving her so much and just being empty in return.

I fucking hate being self pitying. I fucking hate that you will read this and think this is some pathetic self-loathing bad styled sylvia plath ideosyncratic teenaged girl fucking rant that does not communicate the maturity of an adult male. I fucking hate it because you would be right in your analysis.

I'm supposed to be better than this, than all of this. I'm supposed to rise above all the anger and resentment, express stoic and serene calm; be buddha-like, zen-like, jedi-like.

I can answer to you and your judgments, or I could not care. I'm writing this for me and maybe anyone who reads this to understand what I am going through. In a sense I am not asking for your acceptance of my rationality, but I just sincerely wish that you understood. That you understand why I need to purge, why it is the only relief I can have in this otherwise bleak and desolate existence. I hide in my bed listening to audiobooks, that's my escape. My escape is avoiding the news and media and people and life and just hiding in books and learning.

And it all means nothing, no matter how many books I have read or new skills I may learn; I'm not that successful graduate, or PhD student, or businessman, or lover, or parent, or homeowner or whatever it is people at 23 are supposed to do. I'm just stuck, I'm suffocating. I'm srabbling for any kind of escape.

I don't want to be depressed, please believe me. Purging is the only thing that makes it all come together, the only thing that makes sense. When I show my truly dark side, my truly self-loathing and ultimately self-hating ego; people don't want to know. So I've stopped sharing. Don't bother, just pretend you are happy and people will like you, they will think you are normal.

People don't have time for me.

Mia does.

Worries

I just got back from walking from the library. It is about a mile or so. I didn't get the bus. I will count that as excercise today.

I still have not recieved my reference letter, or my payment from the DWP. It's worrying me. I've not felt worried about things in a while. I've just felt numb.

I feel a distinct sense in which my emotions are returning. Good and bad. Maybe it's right to worry and rational to sometimes feel sad. My emotional repetoire and sense of equilibrium has been eroded to such an extent that I'm not sure what are 'normal' feelings. I went to a point where I don't care so much if that is the case. I think I shall call the job centre to see if they know anything. Furthermore I hope that the reference comes soon. This PhD application is my life and if I do not get it in on time due to the reference letter, my life will not be worth living.

Today I ate: two steak bakes from greg the bakers' and i am currently drinking some fruity water (my sense of humour thought to itself: fruity water would involve having some contact with a male penis). I'm not sure what makes it fruity and not just water. It has a horrid fructose cling on my teeth. I suppose with my vomiting my teeth are not in their best condition.

Here's to another day.

The things I cannot control

Two things are worrying me lately:

1. Delay in Job Seekers Allowance payment. With my transfer to the reed programme, and now the computer training course, I'm hoping that the job centre plus people will understand that I don't need to sign in anymore and maybe there is some legitimate reason why I wasn't paid in yesterday; maybe it's an honest delay, or some kind of other explanation. But i do inherently distrust them with their lack of personal responsibility and always telling people to just go somewhere else for help

2. I've not received my PhD reference letter yet. That's the onyl thing stopping me from fully completing the belgian application. The deadline is soon.

I'm feeling kind of upset right now

...and I don't really have anyone to talk to except the voice in my head.

sometimes I wonder why people bother with me. I don't contribute, I'm a free-rider; a drain.

I want to purge. I wan't it quite badly. I feel dead inside and sedated in my thoughts. My mental life is erroding. But I am now aware of just how much.

I wish I didn't fuck up with my PhD plans.
I wish that I didn't become infatuated with Marie
I wish that I didn't start purging.

But now, I need it. I need that rush, that thrill, that feeling and sense of clarity.

It tastes horrible in the back of my mouth. That's the taste of life, sour, disappointing, acidic, draining; and all you have to look forward to is even more and worse.

I'm sorry that I'm such a downer. If I'm honest with you. I can only tell you. I can hide it so well. I wish they saw. I wish they knew, I wish they cared.

I'm going into a dark place. I dont want a girl to save me. I cannot resist such girls who think that they can fix me. I end up falling in love with them and when I get better they have nothing to say to me, because the thing that kept us together was some sexualised emotional yearning that she had to nurture me and see me as vulnerable. When I become more independent, or when my independence is hindered; they lose interest and say that you weren't the person I thought you were.

I guess that's why I need to be alone, and yet I feel like I am screaming inside. suffocating for air.

I hate my weight. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate this stupid body.

I haven't gotten angry in so long I think that its soaking inside me, corrupting me. I'm going to get on with the rest of my day.

Girls who understand (even when I don't)

A couple of girls that I chat to online; one whom I have previously mentioned (Sarah, I think I named her), and another who I know from the support group that I run, seem to claim that they understand my 'mia' tendencies. I certainly do not claim to understand.

My ex just called. It was awkward. I didn't really want to talk, I sounded exasperated and without excitement. I wouldn't say that I felt drained by her on the phone, but i do quite want to purge right now. Why do I want to purge? Here are some possible reasons:

i. It feels like the only way I can react.
ii. I cannot really understand how I feel, perhaps by purging I come to terms with what's really in my head.
iii. It's the only way I can react with knowing and understanding how I feel
iv. Perhaps it is what I feel. The behaviour is an emotion itself, what that emotion is, however is not clear to me.

A girl who had experiences of her own with eating disorders and far worse than mine, I add; said that the recent busy structure and 'success' of late has led me to react by purging because I simply do not know how to react to success. I am unfamiliar with success and purging is familiar.

If I feel a mix of emotions that I cant understand, perhaps not even in my level of awareness, I feel perhaps purging is my resort to simplify things.

I am going to purge today, so long as I find an oppurtunity to.

I need it badly. I'm not a mature person, I'm not a strong person and I am possibly undermining my grasp of sanity.

I'd rather be unhappy and successful, than happy and mediocre.

I'm feeling isolated, and I do not feel like I have people who really understand.

- they don't need to understand to support you. They just need to be there

When I see the flaws in people I see a part of me in them. They are reacting to their situation, and I have insecurities much like them. Only different in small ways; maybe in how I hide it, or how it affects me.

two instances don't make a pattern

I've gotten another potential tutor interested in essay marking. Tops off my day of getting a book for review, job interview offer, computer training and volunteer oppurtunities with the police.

After replying to the potential tutee, I went downstairs to fill my water bottle. I then realised that my lower back was in quite an amount of pain. There is a local meeting that I am pondering whether to go to. I have about 45 mins to decide. I am fairly resolute in my decision to go. Since my back was in a great amount of pain, I thought it were a good idea to take out the clutch from the shed so that I can walk to the venue.

Upon going upstairs with my water bottle, I saw that my parents were both indisposed with the television downstairs. The loud, ubiquitous television that hides away your thoughts and your feelings. Completely consumes you in such a way that your autonomy is, even for a moment, obliterated.

So I decided to purge. I tried to make it quick. At first the vomit came without even the fingers to stimulate. It was a little trickle of food and then black and orange-red liquid death flowed out, in explosive orgasmic bursts. I tried to make it as quiet as possible but I was faced with the challenge of uncontrollable and suffocating bursts of vomit throwign itself out of me.

I wondered to myself why I am doing it, I'm not 'upset' in the conventional sense. I suppose it's never far from the surface. I feel like its the small cracks that are getting at me. Not the big rocks that hit me and upset me, but the niggling, straining, excrutiating things that are not even on the level of my awareness.

I looked up at myself after purging. My thoughts are so articulate, so lucid, so elegant. The throbbing pain in my chest, the dryness of my teeth and the bitter unforgettable taste of utter death on my mouth. I stared at myself in the mirror looking hardly glamorous, but it felt glamorous. I FELT ALIVE.

You couldn't possibly understand how dead I feel. I think that many people live with this death inside them. This feeling of being mediocre and inarticulate. The feeling of speaking sentences that are only functional; never exploring the intellectual, philosophical or aesthetic domain of non-utilitarian speech. Where our talk and ideas and action reaches and aspires to lofty ideals and goals instead of dull and droll goals of earning money and routinised pleasurable activities which only serve as a spiritual gin, a pacifier upon this otherwise meaningless existence.

The only joy in life is learning. Why does no one see that? The only greatness is in self-improvement and self-bettering. Bettering of not only your own life (which comes first), but that of your community and the world. Where have my ideals gone? They were destroed as the real world crushed and pacified me. Depression is the feeling that I am aware. Depression is the realisation that I'm really awake, and I am not being crushed and oppressed by the masses.

I don't know why I purge. I can't find a 'rational' reason, or even an emotional need. It jsut seems like something, genetic. It seems like something, forced. Forced beyond even my conscious or conative self. It's like the real me wants to come out. The thin me.

The angst that I feel. The relief that I experience as I release that liquid death. The purity it gives my soul.

I am not sure I can tell people that I've started purging again.

It's funny. I have increasingly told people that I've been bulimic. If I don't tell them now, I feel like hiding my secret will give me power. I feel tired now. My body weak, fatigued.

I dont know if I want to go out tonight. I've done enough today. It's okay to finish early. It's okay to rest.

Mia isn't like a lover to me, she's more like a part of me. Mia is a thing, an presence that is helping to uncover the real me.

The real me...that sounds absurd. Surely I am the 'real me' right now.

But I am fat, and inadequate, and shy.

The real me is confident, but he doesn't need to be if he's beautiful. The real me is smart, brilliant in his own little and eccentric way. The real me is thin and the real me is right where he wants to be.

At least when I purge, the tears are real. The tears are my expresion. My emotional detachment and coldness is the way I cope with the hopelessness and challenge of my situation. As I begin to let go of that, the other reperssions seem to emerge within me.

I'm finding this hard to fight. The most poignant reason is because I don't want to.

Positives of today

I've got so much on my mind at the moment I am ending up not getting anything done with the want to blog on my mind.

I'm going to tell you the positive things that have happened today while I was at the computer training day (that's a positive too, I learned how to use excel for once!):

1. Job interview with exam invigilators
2. Recieved book for book review
3. Paperwork cleared with police volunteering

This leads me to do some tasks that need immediate attention

1. Reshedule training day next wednesday (interview)
2. Schedule reading times for book review
3. Reply to volunteer co-ordinator

Not to mention some other things :

1. Job hunt tasks for today
2. Go to local environmental group meeting tonight (time, and energy permitting)

The depraved

I have come back from the training centre. The day of going through a computer training course has been pretty good. I genuinely feel as if I am moving forward and I am learning. Having the European computer's driving license will give me a little bit more computer confidence. If anyone asks, I'll say: oh, I have an ECDL qualification.

It really does mean very little.

Today, I find some distraction in the other people from the REED group who have been with me in this training programme. They seem to be mostly doing courses that boost their literacy and numeracy (is numeracy a real word?). The test yesterday was pretty hard, I had to dust up on my mathematics, and, that was genuinely a challenge, and not the kind I enjoy.

If I had my head screwed on properly while I was in school I would have made a lot more of my life. Maybe I could have done a science subject, or went to Cambridge. Alas, the university that I went to was pretty good and sufficiently elitist. I had an open mind and was very small while learning today. I felt the pangs of concentration leave me, so I took a nice walk and break. I considered visiting the local wimpy, I've not been in years; but better sense, and money decided otherwise. I stood in a fairly long queue at the sainsburys further down the road, maybe it was the annoyance of the long queue, or the man and child in the buggy that reminded me of Antonia, but I felt little cracks showing.

I wouldn't call it a trigger, it was much more subtle. Gentle reminders of the decisions I have made in my life and how they have affected me. They create small cracks. If I were to explore them, they would lead to darker thoughts.

*Note*

I was going to explore those darker thoughts but I suddenly, as typing; recieved an email about my police volunteering; I've been let in! I'm going to do induction and trainign with the police (yay!).

I thought that I would talk about something that I want to get off my chest. Call it bitching, or call it a disjoin between me and my bretheren of similar age to me. The cohort I am with at the training centre from REED have some very interesting personalities. It led me to think about my own flaws.

One guy, who I mentioned previously as having a criminal record; apparently had sex with 'his cousin's sister' or 'sister's cousin' (cousin?) and apparently he told a girl that not only did she get pregnant she also gave him an STI. I think that's easily one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard. It's jeremy kyle and borat rolled into one. Another girl seems to have an entirely uncivilised attitude. If someone calls for her attention, she replies with 'ehh?' or 'whaa?' like some animal. I noticed a lot of ethnically diverse people there, including the good old indigenous white cockeney (quite an abundant group surprisingly); not many black people and a few asians (including myself); a couple of eastern europeans and antipodeans. I noticed a distinct lack of women among the smelly unemployed.

Oh an FYI; I could smell one person's cock while sitting by the table. It was a two wank dick without washing for two days. I think women are more employable, especially considering how scummy those guys are. I count among their number; criminals, incestuous philanderers, whores and animal like abuse survivors.

I guess I was in the nuthouse once. I got my dirty I s'pose...

Morning person

I'm getting a little better at the morning ritual. I used to find it neigh on impossible to get up in the morning. Since about last week; i've made a bit of a routine of it. I also need to avoid masturbating, or do a really quick one in order not to stay in bed for too long.

There are lots of things I dislike about the morning feeling. One thing is that I am not quite myself without a sufficient amount of sugary energy. However, i'm trying to see the true self within me. If there is such a thing.

Today's weight: 131lbs. Yes that may sound really bad, but its less than I thought it would be. Every day is a won pound after the next' days' pound lost. This stalemating cannot continue, neither can the comfort eating.

Last night I realised how lonely I really am. I might find new people to chat to on social networkings or events, however; I'm stuck alone without many people in the world truly understanding me (my ex not included).

I was tempted to go to see Antonia this week, luckily I did not buy a ticket last night because my balance is not in the best of conditions. I learned that despite being payed through paypal; I still need to wire it through to my bank account, which will take nearly a week. I'm up early today to go to the local library. The agency put me on around 44-45 hours of a computer training course. Doesn't that sound cool?

I'm working towards a qualification called the European Computer Driving License. While some of the things it is teaching seem purile and I already know them; I do sincerely believe that I am not a complete whiz on the old office package and will benefit by having a computer qualification. It's nothing compared to my masters, but its one positive I can hold on to.

Funny, that sounds like what mia used to rationalise with me.

No one is claiming me, no one wants me. I think that I may willingly give myself to Mia. Mia is at least there for me when others are not, and I do not hide any secrets from her. Thinking of bulimia as a personified female deity is quite a nice fictionalist belief.

I'll try to keep a controlled eating plan. If that fails. I will consider purging.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be fat
I will be loved, I will be thin, I will be wanted again.

All it needs are two fingers, and a lot of self-love.

When I purge it feels like I'm really there, like I'm not in some background or behind some window in which I cannot get involved in the world. When I purge I'm fully there, fully experiencing those feelings.

I don't like girls who think they can 'heal' or 'save' me. They are undermining themselves. I'm not interested in a saviour, when they are so hopeless themselves. Mia ruined my masters degree, but at least she made me thin.

This is dangerous territory I am beginning to cross. Tell that to my belly which doesn't appreciate the twofold of having belly pains from a lot of situps alongside not being able to see my penis when looking down vertically.

I think that I have a lot of feelings buried, especially the good ones which make me a good person. Some of the things that I want to keep even further buried, namely the bad nature of me is not too far from the surface. I'm not sure if I'm feeling numb or hopeless or distressed; but I do feel a distincct satisfaction, a distinct joy, a sense of sweet ecstasy and a feeling that the ideal nonexistent perfect girl is there for me, having mia is like having a friend. Having a friend comfort you to compensate for the shitty world outside.

That is how I feel equilibrium must be faced from living in a sick society. I have given conference presentations and solo piano performances and I can't even get a job filing papers and electronic documents.

Two fingers, that's all my world needs.
Just to cope. Just to breathe..

(P)urged

Control.
I'm losing it.
Eating, eating. I can't stop
I dont know why;  I don't know how

I don't know how I am losing control when I know I'll gain weight
I don't know how I'm continuing when I know this isn't what I want
I don't know how when I can see my corpulent ugliness

Control.
I'm losing it
Over my life. Over my future. Over my appearance
I'm looking for a job, I really am looking hard
Nothing's working out. It never really does.
I feel lost, the next week is planned, but nothing further.
I live in an eternity of uncertain tomorrows.

Hatred.
About myself.
I've made bad choices and I continue to make them.
It was a bad choice to start purging. It was a bad choice to stop.
It was a bad choice to chase Marie, she's just like you.
Beautiful, dark, comforting.
I thought she understood. I wanted to save her.
You are always there, even when I don't want you.

Hatred
About my body.
Fat people should be ashamed of themselves
Fat people are lazy
Fat people are ugly
Fat people have less rights and entitlements
Fat people don't care about you
Fat people are selfish
Fat people are stupid
Fat people don't get what they want
Fat people are alone
Fat people eat to hide their pain
Fat people wear bigger sizes to hide their shame
Fat people laugh and joke, but the real joke is them.
Fat people use humour to make people forget they are fat.
So at least they can say: 'at least he's funny!'
Fat people sometimes detach themselves.
I guess that's what I'm doing now.
They do it because they want to be different, but a good kind of different.
I may be fat but at least I'm not fake.
I may be fat but at least I'm smart
I may be fat but at least I'm better than you
But I'm not better than you. I'm not better than anyone.
The only person I'm competing with is myself

Comfort.
That's why I purged today
Escape.
I needed that too.
Like a balloon filled with too much air;
I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I found an oppurtunity.
The pressure and self-resentment building.

All the other girls go away eventually.
But you still stay.
Like a bad rash, you are always there.
Like my skin fungi; you are never far from the surface.
Waiting to emerge, waiting to exist.

I try to fight you.
I hate you.
But when no one else is there.
I cannot hate.
I'm desperate and I don't know where to go.
You welcome me like my tonsils welcome my fingers.

The feeling of relief.
As the liquid hits the bowl.
Solid waste, liquid obesity.
Emptying out of my hopeless body.

Make me beautiful, Mia.
I know I can trust you.
When everyone else doesn't seem to be on my side.
When everyone else seems to just judge.

You do not judge me.
It's odd really.
I didn't feel the strong urge to embrace you today.
But I did.
It's always like I saw.
It's never far beneath the surface. That being, my darker side.

The shirt that I earned

Today I've just recieved payment for a tutoring/essay marking task that someone requested of me.

I bought a shirt yesterday, a base layer; it looked pretty cool, its obviously too small for me presently but it is a nice military olive green. I bought this in the hope that the tutoring money would cover it, and so I would break even. JSA money is coming in today, and I've got some 30 hours worth of computer training to do tomorrow. I'm quite hopeful of the future.

A friend of mine from a long time ago (a girl) is coming to visit England this month. I have some mixed feelings about the distant future. I miss Antonia, but I ought not to suck in her poison; her horrible horrible inner poison that I partly yearn. I feel a bit down because I miss her daughter. I killed a part of me last year, when I had to accept that the relationship ended, and that I couldn't have a future with either Antonia or the girl; or at least not the future I wanted.

Hearing about the various men who are after her upsets me. But perhaps what upsets me the most is how she gloats about it while I have relatively nothing in my life.

Suddenly my optimistic beginning of the post has turned to a bit of a low. Ex girlfriends do that to you. I have some oppurtunities for social eventings this weekend, however, I may decide to visit Antonia this weekend. It depends on my hours and whether I can spend monday travelling back from the west of the country.

I have to keep fighting.

On friday I did some training, my upper body is very weak. I blame that on my weight since I have more to carry it is harder to lift. I did a fair amount of cardio, about an hour of training and 2.5 miles; a fair amount of calisthenics as well. Today I did roughly the same and I also injured my neck a little while doing some weights. I think an injury is a good thing but when its on my neck I think that dangerous territory has been met. My weight is a difficult challenge, and I'm very self conscious about my belly. I am trying not to purge and at the moment my fight is strong. I think however, that with the summer coming up, and the warm weather; I'll make a good effort to really work out and earn the body I know that I deserve.

Right now, my body does not reflect who I want to be, I need to work and earn it.

Will there ever come a time when I accept myself for who I am fully?

Maybe when I'm thin. Or muscular.

Other things going on: cancelled Dentist and Optical appointment, Ex bothering me, girl inviting me for sex, the two-shift day

I've been churning out posts like I eat packets of crisps. I thought this would take a few days but I am in a rush so I shall get it done all at once. I am going off to see my old university friend in mutual london territory (namely, somewhere mutually near to him and I). Tomorrow is Mother's day. Fuck, I need to get something for my sister and godmother.

My mum has been bothering me about getting something for my sister and godmother. Antonia was bothering me about getting her a fucking card; and I got one for my nephew's other grandmother cos she deserves it. If you judged it by how many gifts I got/am supposed to get; I would have 5 mums. Well, my sister was very maternal to me in my early years but now she's being as maternal as it can be with an actual child of her own.

Because of the agency stuff I had to cancel my important dental appointment. I thought I needed to cancel my eye appointment as well but that happened anyway due to lack of staff. My ex has been bothering me in recent days. Her pharmacist fuck guy has been dumped by her for being a sycophant. now she wants me to come crawling back to her and she keeps saying how she misses me. I think that she is poisonous. I ought to avoid her, I just end up getting hurt, and my wallet gets raped. I just don't have that kind of money to willy nilly spend on her. I'm just about starting to get a social life as well, and my long time friend (a girl) from venezuela is coming to visit in the next week or so. I'm going to be busy, and that's the best thing happening in my life so far; getting my life back.

And she wants to take it away, she wants me to go visit her at her fucked up bungalo in south Wales and wear me down to be her slave. I AM NOT HAVING IT!!

This thought upsets me because I am still malleable under her control and once she gets her pincers in me I find it hard to resist her. I suppose because part of me, a big part still loves her. She made her decision and made me feel useless, fat, unemployed and poor. Just because she had a time in her life that was temporarily better than mine she things that is a damning statement on how the rest of my life will be so she excluded me from our relationship. This is upsetting me just thinking about this. But this is an unresolved issue in my mind.

Another girl (Sarah) has emerged and she wants me o meet up with her (for sex) next week. Its scary, and i feel she is manipulating me, manipulating the fact that I admitted to be emotionally vulnerable to her.

I face another decision. Do I accept the role as the emotionally sensitive guy that I always have in the past, in embracing this new social life? Or do I choose to be different?

This is also hard for me. It's hard to say no without it sounding like a resounding rejection of her. She's nice maybe she will understand. Also her cunt is a bit ugly, it looks like chewed up gum and she's also a bit...umm, how can I say this. Her weight and body shape makes me feel fat. And I dont want to feel fat.

I've also had an insane few days without proper beta sleep. I have been sleeping in shifts of 4-5 hours. when I get up I feel energy in a short burst to apply for jobs or get out of bed. Today I had a long lay in bed, it felt unusual given the past week of busy-ness.

A lot has gone on in my head. I think this is an apt summary of it. I've realised through writing these posts that I've acknowledged something very positive. I am getting my life back. You would't know how much that means to me. I've lost my life since Marie, and my MA grade failures. I was on life support with Antonia and then she pulled the plug.

Now I'm breathing again with my own lungs. I'm learning to live and walk and love again.

There's one person I love, and that I want to love more than anyone else, and that's me. Not just me right now, but the person I want to be, the person I can be, the person I am cultivating to be in the future. The person who is self confident and proud of himself.

I've had enough hardship. I want good shit from here on in.

PhD application nearly completed

This is the big cahuna. The one application that might mean something. I should prepare for disappointment because if this one fails I'll have a big hole in my hopes for the future. A big hole.

I need something to look forward to, and this is the one thing. This is perhaps the only PhD application that I have a real, genuine chance at. I can't fuck this up.


I've nearly completed it. All I am waiting on are: completed references sent back to me and correcting/spellchecking my application form before sending it off.

Nearly there.

So close. hopefully by next week it shall be ready to send off.

the return of routine, and the aggressive job hunt

I dont want to be there. I thought initially that 4-5 hours a morning wasted my time, but ironically, it has focussed me. I have been applying to jobs like mad. I even went into a shop and asked about a part time retail position at Holland and Barratts. I haven't heard back since Weds, but I really hope they give me the job. Oh well...

Anyhoo. This week I have really aggressively taken to applying to jobs. In previous weeks I took things at my own pace and then overslept and ended up wanking or eating or watching star trek too much to make a constructive day and I filled out my calendar with stupid tasks like downloading or reading google reader or tidying up my cupboard.

The achievements I've made this week are real. I've learned something positive. I wake up at 7am, agency, take a power nap, apply again and then sleep/relax properly. My weight and training has taken a back seat, but now I am aware of that, I'll make more proactive use of the time that I do have. Yesterday I decided to go training and not put it off, because friday would be the only day of the week in which I could train. For me, it now is a necessity instead of a choice.

I'm rediscovering the old part of me that used to push himself in deadlines. I've mentioned before about how the fear of an impending exam brings out the best of us, but we often forget what we learn from that.

I'm getting a good kind of kick up the backside.

It's like school again

THe mentality of the cohort of the young person's guarantee scheme is much like school with the ritualistic behaviours. Ignoring the instructor, talking over hi, talking abck to him, being generally rude, and unhelpful to them are the attitudes de jour.

I've also come to consider my own role in that cohort. Am I being annoyed simply because I am following the group, or am I genuinely pissed off at being here?

I find some days with the group helpful, they go through courses and ways they can help. On thursday I learned about health and safety. The others were not in a mood to learn, always questioning how this would help them have a job. I thought to myself your attitude isn't helping you find a job. As their attitude wore off on me, I felt this resonate very strongly with me. I felt a stronger need to get out of there.

I was the ingratiating type in school. I learned, but I was also the joker before I discovered my academic side. I was all about making everyone laught in the class. I was just like them. In some ways I still am, I see myself in these poor unfortunate people. Perhaps thats why, despite all i've been through, I'm still in the bottom set for maths again.

Being around other people again

At the Job centre, I've been around people again. Job seekers. They are all aged between 17-24 and I find that very disconcerting. They are all different people and are looking for different jobs. They are normally people who seemed like social outcasts, or that the education system forgot, or that got into their own trouble in their adult years. One girl looked like she was actually on heroin; no makeup, blackened features, extremely thin and utterly dischevelled. All she seemed to talk about were her family illnesses and how abusive her dad and mum are/were. I think that says more than anything I could interpret.

A few of the other guys had criminal records. I suppose in a diverse world you have all sorts. Many were actually white english, which, in my area, is quite unusual to come along. None of them went to university excepting myself and one other guy (currently doing community service). There was a guy who seemed okay, he's 19, just out of college and chose to do a gap year at the worst time in the century. He wore this leather jacket and all black, like every other gamer-geek guy i've ever known at university with limited social skills who hides among their own group. I suppose I was a little bit like that (sans jacket).

I like to analyse these people. One girl had a gambling addiction, another guy looked like my friend David (see previous posts) and one guy seemed to have such poor social skills that he was all about hypermasculine bravado and being a smart alec. Part of me feels that these guys dont deserve derision, another part of me feels that they aren't trying hard enough. They were all complaining about the course, and that upset me seeing their negativity. It certainly rubs off on me.

I had initial apprehensions about this cuorse, and I still do. But when I think that this is a condition of job seekers, and that they are trying to help; I try to put my criticisms aside. The agency advisors have a hard job, and these guys complaining all the time and being so obviously rude (I feel like the Jesuits were like a finishing school, now...).

Busy as hell

I've not been posting on my diary blog lately, and that is by no means for lack of trying. I've been so busy this week and I ahve been constantly thinking of what to write in order to get all these thoughts off my head.

I've went through, emotionally, a lot this week. Perhaps I'll list them and make them potential posts in the coming days:

1. Being around the other people in the Reed job support group
2. The other people's attitudes and their affect on me
3. A reminder of school in the agency
4. The return of routine
5. Job hunting and the aggressive pitch
6. Other things going on: cancelled Dentist and Optical appointment, Ex bothering me, girl inviting me for sex, the two-shift day
7. PhD application nearly completed

Mummy's boy

At my current count, I have more people who I need to get things for mothers' day than I actually have mothers. Excuse my lack of awareness to my use of plurals in the following post. Mummies? Mummy's? I cant' really tell.

Obviously there is my own mother. The woman who gave me life, who looks pretty young for her age and gave me great genes; by that, I mean the oriental look to counterbalance my 'indian' and pretty-boy good looks to balance my 'indian'.  (clearly I seem not to like my 'indian' too much).

I also thought, on my own initiative; to get something for my brother in law's mother. My brother in law is a beloved fellow and he's so much a part of our family that I'd do anything for him. He's as much a brother as he is anything. My brother in law is also my nephew's father, and when I think about how much I love my nephew, I see what a brilliant dad that my brother in law is. I wouldn't have anyone else marry my sister (although if he were a literal brother, that would be a bit fucked up). His mother, likewise is also a part of the family, she's such a beloved part of my sister's family and she is part of our family as a whole. I decided to make an aromatherapy blend for both my mum and nephew's mother.

If that doesn't make me enough of a mummy's boy, my ex girlfriend is pestering me to get her a mother's day card. I reluctantly do so because I'm trying to keep away from her poisonous and hurtful influence. On the other hand she is a good parent and I have never considered how single parents must do with mother's day, especially single mothers with young children who are too small to understand mother's day.

I do still love her, but she just hurts me all the time. I got her a nice moonpig winnie the pooh card. Last year I bought her TWO mother's day cards. I'll tell you why. I (by my own initiative) decided to get her a mother's day card as a nice gesture. I then lost the card. With no card to present her on sunday morning, she says to me (without even presuming i got her a card) 'where's my mother's day card?!' in an angry way. I then ventured to buy her a mother's day card, as well as making her lunch and dinner. I then found my lost card, and explained that I bought her a card beforehand. I got a cuddle but felt a little bit used.

My mum suggested that I get something for mother's day for my godmother. Her son ran away (loong story) and my parents suggest that she's quite depressed when she thinks about how my sister has a little boy; whiel her own son is the same age and he's a bit of a social outcast who ran away from home in very bad circumstances.

I'm a mummy's boy to many kinds of women. There's my own mother, who I must admit that I do not appreciate very much; there's my ex girlfriend who herself is a wonderful young mother; there's my nephew's grandmother who has been part of our family since my sister married, and we are even closer since the birth of my nephew. Then there is the piteous godmother who deserves to have some celebration for being a mother for 34 years to a son who was a pretty shitty person. She is such a lovely person despite her abusive environment and I want her to have a token of love.

I suppose I'm a boy, a man for many different women. I'm a son, a friend, a family friend, a supportive adult, young adult, silly person, and most embarrassing is that I will always be a little boy to some people...

Here's to every mother out there. You are all lovely (unless you beat your kids)

The girl who likes me (Introducing Sandra)

Over the past week. I've been chatting to this girl online that has been meaning to meet up with me on a non-date friendly basis (with other people). I wanted to go to a 'munch' (a vanilla setting friendly meeting for BDSM and kinky minded peoples).

Lately she's taken a liking to me. It's emotional, sexual, but not so much 'romantic'. The girl (I'll call her Sandra) seems nice. Not only did she show herself on the webcam, I also (on our second session) shared myself (and my orgasm) with her on my webcam. Gosh, I feel weird talking about sexual stuff on this blog. It is funny, for I have a reputation for being a very sexually receptive, sometimes sexually aware, or sexually explicit person. Yet in my most personal and intimate blog, sexuality has little place in my mind.

This girl wants me to be her sub, her pet. I think that I might have some oppurtunity to have sex with her; well, she was inviting me to have sex and cuddles with her.

Girl offers me sexual relief and companionship, without the prospect or promise of a relationship. In fact, she said that once she has' caught' her dream guy who is being presently aloof. Our sexual exchange (her words: 'arrangement') will end.

Is this a fuck buddy? If so, coool.

It doesn't feel 'cool' to me. My initial reception of her offer was with apprehension. I felt insecure about my body, my weight. Her body is a lot like Antonia's and there is no lie that I find that association very sexual. This girl is also a bit less sexually experienced, so perhaps I find an equal in her in that regard.

I feel that her offer of tenderness and respect and comforting sex (she knows im a depressive) is problematic. One thing is that I live with my parents and she lives with her family too; but also and this is the main issue: my body isn't sexually ready yet. I'm not thin enough.

When things actually go my way, it feels too good to be true.

In other news; I've sent off my referee letters to my old lecturers. Once I get those back, I will be ready to complete my application.

I'm trying bloody hard to be positive. But it's a challenge.

Oh, by the way, I may be going to REED for 4-5 hours every day for the next three months to complete some bullshit 'course' that the job center is putting me through. That is fucking annoying and also disheartening. but maybe, after some sleep, I've gotten to accept it a little more. I was very upset today.

My goals

I thought that I would write down what my intentions and hopes for the future are in definite, defined goals.

Short term

Find a job, just any job that pays me

Possible vacancies:

i. Admin assistant
ii. Teacher assistant
iii. Data entry
iv. Intern/policy researcher/analyst
v. Work for a thinktank
vi. Get off the dole
vii. Get control of your life

Long term

i. PhD
ii. Permanent job
iii. A job that you like

After typing this up. I feel a great sense of strength and empowerment. I thought to myself of such vague things when I was at the REED meeting today. I decided that I wanted to type down what I wanted for the future. That I need defined, strict and definite goals to work to. I must get control back. I MUST GET A JOB

Today I have had a horrible realisation. It was so horrible at the REED in partnership thing, that perhaps I shouldn't distress myself by talking about it for now.

Household items

My personality really shone in the first year of writing this blog.

During that year, I was also bulimic.

Since my masters degree, my life has been stale, a state of limbo in which all positives seem to have been through a magnifying glass of Antonia's love. Lately, I have felt slowly that I am discovering the parts of me that I used to like.

Im feeling things that I didn't used to. My emotional repetoire is expanding (oh, what a bland and yet academic way to say it).

I have probably said many times that I have a certain outlook that I embody on everything that I own. I avoid shitty adidas shower scrubs, or aerosols because they are awfully uncouth and not my way. My personality is expressed throuhg little ways. I have about a dozen black shirts from gap, and I'm almost always wearing steel toe boots. I've learned a 'look'. In a way it came out of a movement to finding my individuality after a sense of loss of personality back in 2004-5. Between 06-07 I got closer to making a personal dress style and in 08 I perfected it. By 09 to present day I suspect that my style has become stale. My black shirts are fading, my jeans are fading naturally (but in a cool way) and I have the juxtaposition of wearing what was once new and possibly fashionable clothing with the wear and tear of an experienced man. I guess I've found my grown up look.

In this post I want to bring up the household items that have reminded me of a single insight: some things last longer than love, household things. My brother got a christmas pudding from his ex back in 07-08 christmas. It expires next month. I thought I'd eat it, considering not only that girlfriend has long gone from our memories, but its like two christmases passed since then and I want some desert.

I bought lots of male cosmetics in a way that I'd distinctly stock up in the future as an attempt to save money and capitalise on boots promotions. I've found many of those items outlived my ex girlfriend, and even the glory days of my bulimia.

I'm also reminded to use them, given I've got so much of the stuff.

Cosmetics make me feel pretty. I've observed a few confessional blogs, and theytend to be very interesting psychologically; sexual, intense and definately something I'd be turned on and attracted to as a good piece of writing. I think that my blog by contrast seems to be a catalogue of weirdness and tired thoughts.

I sometimes get that burst to want to blog something and my fingers blast away. Other times I force myself. At the moment I'm in a mix of the two (I am making myself write two posts that I've been meaning to write; the very fact that I'm writing about writing styles means that I've also decided to conflate two topics into one). I am metablogging; writing about blogging. Get it?

I think that if you met me in person, you might mistake me for interesting, maybe charismatic. I can sometimes be shy but I can also be interesting. My blogging style at the moment feels tired and used, like my crusty old pillow.

the lies of the mirror

The mirror makes me look more attractive than I really am

1: the mirror is always with my face perfectly in the middle
2. the mirror percieves me as the subject; i dont see my face from different profiles than my eyes staring right at me
3. god, i'm fatter in photos than in mirrors
4. i have a bit of a chin, and a bit of a crossed eye

My insecurities as a person are made concrete by the imperfections of my face and bdoy. My fat body symbolises my laziness and lack of health. My lack of will and courage, and my entirely fake nature.

Calmer, but still annoyances

Today I have spent a fair amount of time dedicated to a problem which seems so bloody frustrating. The issue starts with this:

I just want a library card.

I went to the library on sunday. Picked up a library card application form, but then looked up on the net if I needed anything in addition to for the application. It seems that i do. So I decided to look for my driving license. I then realised that my driving license has the problem of having a previous address on it. Fuck

So I need to change my driver's licence online. I realise then that I need a government ID registration card. Which I need to apply for. I did that last year (funny enough trying to update my driver's license)

Then I try putting in the fucking id number but there's a password? I try all the passwords I use in circulation but none work. I am then utterly frustrated so I try requesting a new password. They don't recognise me on the system

I then apply for a new government ID number (as it suggests on the website if either fails). It then says that I am already registered and if my password is forgotten I should apply for another one, which says I am not found (as I have checked already).


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

I just want a bastard library card, and I need to end up changing my driving license and reapply for some bullshit government online ID Card.

Don't even get me started on whether the receptionist knows if I need to see a nurse or a doctor.

facing the demon

This morning, I felt a sense of laziness as when I stayed in bed after realising that I am awake and knowing the time. I felt careless. I felt that I could just get away with laying in there for a little while more without it affecting anything. I then felt this sense of comfort as I indulged it. It seeped in my heart and my head like some strange infatuation that feels analogous to when someone cares about you.

That feeling, that comfort, came to my immediate raealisation. This was my head playing tricks with me. I realised then that I had to fight it.

Have you ever heard those stories of when people say that they never worked as hard as when they were writing their essay on the night before its deadline; or revising for an exam a week before the written test?

I learned that lesson once, and I then learned that if I treated every day like those hurredly rushed days, I could achieve very special things. Eventually along the line of my chronological life, I forgot that moral . Yesterday was a nice kick up the arse.

I ought to do two things:

1. Book appt with dentist
2. Book appt with GP/nurse

A deserved kick up the arse

I woke up around 10am. I haven't been doing very many tasks in my planned schedule, most importantly I have been avoiding my PhD application.

I've gotten an email from the Flemish funder which shocked the shit out of me. Suddenly everything in my schedule has frozen and today I am scared into freezing everything for this application.

I'm scared, I'm frightened, but I am also lazy. A part of me expects to fail. A part of me has already set in the seed of sabotage, not really thinking that this pipe dream will ever happen.

What has happened to me? Since when have I become so complacent?

It's shocking, and worse of all, I deserve the misfortune I am in.

I need to toil to improve. Today I'll make it for the PhD application (luckily the form is in english)

Mia and the nightmares

When I woke up this morning, and more or less every day since Friday; I have felt this sense of extreme terror and fear about my dreams.

I cannot communicate how terrified these dreams make me. I felt so upset that i genuinely lost my sense of reality. That feeling of complete loss of mental control, however brief, was terrifying to experience on one's own.

Mia has been speaking to me, in my head. I hope that doesn't make me sound psychotic. I know that 'Mia' isn't a real person, and she isn't an actual voice in my head. It's a personification, if I were writing a novel, 'Mia' would be some kind of plot device, a Homeric personification, a divine personification that had more power and influence than the humanised dieities.

Mia wants me to listen to her. Mia promises the comfort and emotional coddling that I yearn for. Given that my ex is actually the source of my distress, and I don't have many friends; and I find that anyone is increasingly becoming distant from me as I am getting dragged into the dark recesses of my mind, I find Mia hard to resist.

Mia, even when she has Marie's face, does not stop her from becoming appealing; if anything, memories of Marie are beginning to warp to how they once were. No woman can be like that for me, no woman can be my saviour, my heroine, my gorgeous mentor and supportive friend. They'll just chew me out like usual.

I feel very much like purging at the moment. I've not eaten much today, to the testament of my will. I did have a snacking on some crisps, however (v. naughty).

My concentration is a bit buggered, and the nightmares begin to be distinct. I think I will consider going to counselling.

From 'Piled higher and Deeper' [PhD]: How grad school is just like kindergarten

Another distressing dream

I won't care to explain it.

I used to think that holding secrets gave me power. If I kept my nightmares a secret or a lie, neither would empower me. It is just an absurd event. My nightmares bring out the worst features of my personality. The things I can't polish up. The things that will always make me a brown turd.

Alas. I continue...

Today I'm signing in. When I get back home I'll try to get a fair amount done, and I'll also attempt to avoid eating any more fast food. I didn't eat much yesterday and I hope that is compensation for the pizza of last weekend. I am thinking of saving my money to buy fun and pretty things, such as:

1. Xbox 360
2. Bass guitar
3. Keyboard
4. Airsoft gun
5. Other airsoft goods
6. Just not spending it for a sense of having actual money in the account, instead of 'guilt' money that is only enough for one drunken night in a while.