Thursday, April 1, 2010

Toxic

There are two things that I really hate:

1. Emotional and personality transparency
2.Self-resentment

Presently, both are swelling up inside of me. I'm getting lots of anger triggers. I'm feeling inadequate because I am fat. I am entering' fat thinking'. I'm angry, maybe because I' upset, or maybe I'm angry to hide jealousy. What is there not to be jealous about? Nothing is coming up for me, NOTHING is working for me and the only respite I have involves two fingers down my throat and a lot of physical discomfort. I purged twice today. I really had to force it on both instances today. The sting on my thrat was distint and unforgettable. There was a momet during the whole process of self-harming when I felt a sense of cathartic and emotional release.

As my weight goes up and my friends like me less; as the jealousy and resentment grows within me; Mia takes control. Mia is my only escape from being such a horrible person. I've turned fat and I've adopted fat person mentality. I've become the very thing that I hate



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