Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Introspective time travel

There are some things I feel very difficult to write about. Antonia is engaged now. That's one of them.

Last night I envountered the various features of myself through personification: it was a battle between mia (another personification) and my other aspects. Some visual metaphors were involved. My mind was working in a very high gear and I was in a lot of visualisations in my head. I chose to put myself back in parts of my past. And in those places, I decided; knowing what I do now I want to do better.

One moment was when I was in the mental hospital. I decided; since I'm here again, lets make it end up better this time. I know how it will end up, I know who my friends are and who are not. I'll make it optimal. Maybe I'll get a First this time around...

Another moment I was starting my Masters. I won't succumb to Marie, and I'll work my balls off. Maybe this path will make me an overall different person, but I didn't care, all that mattered was the immediate situation I was on.

Another situation: I was back in the first year of university. In many senses this was where everything begun. I can make it different. Maybe better. I would just like to see if things could be different. Maybe I'd get out more, get involved with more groups, make more friends, do more study, do proper study. Maybe I'll get a first and transfer to the single honours programme; maybe I can ask a girl out, maybe I'll have a one night stand; or maybe I'll perfect myself more in my current vision (given all the pain I had from those experiences).

This morning I woke, I thought to myself as I looked in the mirror: I love your hair. I had bed hair, I dont normally get bed hair. I felt almost as if I were in a new situation. Today I'm going to do all the things on my schedule, and just get on with my life. There were lots of good things in the past as well as the bad. Now I shall embrace the good of the present and my future. I will hopefully use my past experiences of the bad to help me cope, or be more philosophical with the future bad things that will happen.

At the moment I feel physically drained but not 'tired' in the conventional sense. I think I'm hungry. I better have a banana breakfast with maybe some water or milk. Then I'll get on with my schedule for the day.

The last post that I sent was a message that I sent to a girl last night. I write it in a way that would be relevant for a blog post.

Current weight: 227.8lbs
Status: progress

When I'm thin things will be all better.

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